A/N Hi, I'm sure you're all astonishment to see this update posted so soon. Well, I am! :) But the words flowed so easily off my pen somehow so here it is. Thank you for all the reviews, they warm my heart every time!
About this update, I'm actually very nervous to post it, like really really nervous. And I really hope you will enjoy it even if it's kind of intense and not what most of you are expecting and well, you'll see.
Sometime ago I was suggested to get more Alex in the story and I felt he would be perfect for these scenes. Anyway, without further ado…
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No Derek. None of her friends. The coast was clear. With her hair hanging loosely around her face and her arms folded across her chest, Meredith crept through the corridor of the clinic to an empty exam room. She couldn't remember feeling that nervous ever. She spent her morning sitting on hot coals after the realization that her period was a couple of days' late. She didn't even want to start to think about the reverberations of the carefree love making she and Derek shared at the trailer. He would probably go nuts given his reaction to the scrapbook with the photos of Bessie.
That was why Meredith had to act with utmost discretion. It made her even more nervous parading through the hospital to deposit Bess at daycare and then get to the surgical floor, feeling as if everybody could see right through her head. She breathed out deeply as the door of the exam room closed behind her. She looked around in search for the objects she needed. Surely, buying a test in a drugstore somewhere miles away from the hospital would be easier but she needed to have the absolute certainty. No hesitations or slip-ups this time, it was way to important.
She tied a cord around her upper arm, sterilized the skin above her vein and tried to direct the syringe into an optimal position, which proved harder than she expected. She couldn't feel the right place. She manipulated the needle for a few minutes grunting in frustration as she couldn't bring herself to sink the sharp tip into her flesh. Maybe she should have asked Cristina? But her person had enough on her plate already, Owen, the break up, the new cardio attending, Owen… Meredith wasn't going to trouble her again, especially as it could turn out to be a false alarm.
Suddenly, the door busted open and Meredith quickly turned her back towards the newcomer hiding her exposed arm.
"Mer?" she heard Alex's surprised voice. "Sorry, I thought one of my lame ass intern was lazing around here."
"No, no lame ass interns here," said innocently Meredith, trying to untie the tourniquet inconspicuously.
"Are you… okay?" frowned Alex taking notice of her odd behavior.
"Yep, absolutely," she nodded, tugging at the plastic around her arm.
Alex's eyes swept over the table, taking in the test tube and the scattered empty needle and syringe packets. "D'you need help with that?"
Meredith looked at him over her shoulder and sighed, "Yeah." She could trust Alex, he wouldn't freak out or blab to anyone else. "I need you to take my blood."
"Okay," he nodded, not making any further comment.
"And take it to the lab, please" she added watching as the syringe filled with scarlet liquid. "But no names… just John Doe."
"Any particularl type of test?" he asked impassively.
"No," she twirled her fingers nervously. "Just… just the standard set."
Just as they disposed of all the traces of their activity, the door burst open again to reveal a livid Izzie.
"You son of a bitch!" she shouted at Alex.
"Go cry to somebody who cares," he smirked pocketing the tube into his lab coat.
"I won't let you do this to me, Alex! Give me back my surgery or I'll shoot your ass off!" ranted on Izzie and seeing lack of any reaction on Alex's part she turned to Meredith. "Mer Alex stole my patient with the great tumor growing behind his eyes and your boyfriend didn't give a crap! In case I wasn't sure, he actually said the words "I don't give a crap!" Plus, he has a hangover the size of Africa!"
That last statement was the only part of Izzie's monologue that Meredith found unsettling. So Derek was drinking last night. Not good, definitely not good, she couldn't actually remember any occasion when he drowned his sorrows in liquor.
"Damn it," cursed Izzie as her page started beeping.
"Don't let us keep you," muttered Alex. "Probably someone in the clinic needs your attentive care for their rash."
Izzie narrowed her eyes shaking her head disbelievingly but hurried back to the clinic without another word.
"You're fighting again?" Meredith looked shrewdly at Alex. "I thought you two were… good," she finished lamely.
"Look," Alex said seriously after a moment of silence staring at the floor. "I know, I know I'm being an ass. I can't help it. I'm pissed off all the time, so much I can't breathe but you can't be pissed at the crazy chick for losing her mind so I don't have anyone else to be pissed at except her, nobody else…"
"I'm here now, too, Alex," she said softly.
"You're already making for a punch bag for Shepherd," he shrugged with a tiniest of grins. "I'll take the sample to the lab."
"Yeah," sighed Mer. "Alex!" she stopped him at the door, "make it… make it Jane Doe, not John…" The last thing she needed were news around miraculous male pregnancy circulating around the hospital.
"Okay," Alex nodded in understanding. "I'll page you as soon as I get the results."
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Meredith avoided going to her office at all costs. Going to her office was a high-risk situation. It increased the possibility of finding herself face to face with Derek and talking to him right now would be bad. She could blurt something out accidentally, something she might later regret. She would tell him as soon as she knew for sure, even if he was hung-over. This time, he'd have nothing to reproach her. But she needed to be certain. Setting him off for no reason would bring more damage than good.
Apart from dreading letting slip the main issue occupying her head, she feared that as much as a single scowl from him would send her round the bend. Derek acted as he was the only hurt person in the world. She was suffering too. She was stressed to the breaking point, she couldn't get a good night's sleep… And now she really had to get to her office to retrieve the damn chart of her patient which she had carelessly left on her desk. She cautiously took the corridor leading to her den and… shit, he was just walking out. As though she had only remembered there was something important for her to attend to, she turned on her heel and bolted into a supply closet crashing straight into Cristina.
"Hey, watch where you're-" started Cristina rubbing her shoulder. "Mer?"
"Oh, hi, sorry," breathed out Meredith. "I didn't see you."
"Whatever, "shrugged Cristina. "The day is crappy all around."
"Er," stuttered Meredith not knowing what to say to that and how to explain her invasion of the closet.
"Have you seen Hahn's replacement?" asked Cristina, absorbed with her thoughts.
"Uhm, no."
"I thought it couldn't get worse than with the witch," complained Cristina. "But that new woman, she's like… autistic."
"Oh?"
"And it seriously sucks, I won't see more cardio than during Hahn's reign."
"Yeah, uhm, that… sucks," agreed Meredith.
Cristina looked at her suspiciously, "What's wrong with you?"
"Nothing, absolutely nothing," Meredith shook her head. "I was just…" she tried walk out but her friend blocked her way.
"You were just what?"
"What do you think a person does in the supply closet?"
"I don't want to hear about it if it involves McDreamy."
"No! We're not doing that!"
Cristina raised her eyebrows questioningly.
"I was… uhm, getting supplied?" she scrunched her face.
"Right, and pink is my favourite colour," snorted Cristina.
Suddenly, Meredith discerned Alex's voice muffled by the door and she peeked outside.
"Alex?" she inquired looking at him meaningfully.
"Not yet, Mer," he shook her head taking off. "I went to check fifteen minutes ago; it wasn't up yet."
"So now Karev is your best buddy? What did you do, Meredith?" insisted Cristina. "Spill before we get old."
"I… I didn't do anything," muttered Meredith stuffing her hands in the pockets of her lab coat.
"Yeah, mhm."
"Okay," gave in Meredith, leaning back against the wall. "But you have to be my person, you can't yell at me or be in any way unsupportive."
"This can't be good."
"So, I'm avoiding Derek…"
"Is it a form of foreplay? Playing hide and seek in turns?" asked humorously Cristina. "Oh, wait, I might need to be sedated if I hear that!"
"Really, sex is the last thing on my mind, now," Meredith rolled her eyes. "Sex is… bad, it's… bad… I mean it's good but can be bad."
"Mer?" asked Cristina dangerously. "Why are you freaking out about sex?"
"I'm not freaking out. I… freaked out this morning but I'm not freaking out anymore. I… I've calmed down. No freaking out."
"Why did you freak out this morning?"
"I.. realized… I was late…" she cleared her throat uncomfortably.
"What are you…" Cristina trailed off. "Wait, what? Late like…?"
"Like five days late…"
"Only you, Mer," wide- eyed, Cristina slowly shook her head. "Only you could let McAss knock you up… twice! God, you're a doctor, Mer! Does practicing safe sex tell you something?"
"It's not like I have STD," defended herself Meredith. "We… I didn't think… well, again."
"Obviously," grumbled her friend. "So, what does this mean?"
"Might not mean anything," shrugged Meredith.
"You're late-"
"Just a few days," explained slowly Meredith. "I mean I freaked out because I discovered I was late and clearly, that's the first thing one can think if they're late but… I don't know." She slowly passed a hand over her stomach. "It doesn't feel like the last time."
"How should it feel?" asked softly Cristina.
"I'm tired, I'm stressed… but I don't feel… I don't know how to put it in words… I don't feel this special something," she confessed with a small voice.
"And you wish you did," stated knowingly Cristina.
"I wish I did. I'm an idiot, right?" Meredith whispered bitterly. "My relationship with Derek couldn't be in a worse place, if you can even call it a relationship. His reaction would be completely unpredictable and it would so complicate things but… it was amazing with Bessie, it still is so… I wish I did, against all reason, I wish I did."
"You've come a long way," sighed Cristina. "Why do they do that?"
"Who? And what?" frowned Meredith.
"Men. Why do they do that? Screw us up… change us? Just look at us, hiding in the closet…"
"It's all down to their stupid boy penises," smiled slightly Meredith.
"Yeah," groaned Cristina.
"Yeah."
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Derek propped his back against the wall and generously applied drops to his bloodshot eyes. He slept almost through the entire night but the drunken slumber he imposed on himself left him more exhausted than a longest surgery.
"Here, take it," Mark inserted a cup of coffee into his hand. "The strongest our crappy coffee cart can provide. You look like you need it."
"Oh, God, thanks," Derek sighed gratefully and drained the content in a few greedy gulps. "I think I might need another one."
Mark studied his face with visible concern, "And yesterday, how many did you have? You could never absorb much liquor."
Derek didn't chose not to answer, rubbing his temples energetically. The aspirin he swallowed this morning was wearing off inviting back the thumping headache that was splitting his skull. His body was sore all over. Not surprising, given the fact that he woke up on the floor, curled up in a weirdest of positions.
"Derek, what's happened?" asked Mark decreasing the volume of his voice as a nurse whizzed past them shooting Derek a curious look.
"Nothing,'' shrugged Derek. "I'm fi-"
"Yeah, fine," finished Mark ironically. "And so is Grey, right? Looking as though she wants to make herself invisible."
"You know, you're going to explode one day if you don't start talking, to me, to Meredith,
to your mother," he went on. "She called again yesterday, she's worried."
"I can't deal with this right now," Derek shook his head slightly.
"Whatever you say," gave up Mark. "Just so you know what I think, you're looking for trouble."
He pondered what else he could say to Derek, whatarguments to choose as he studied his friend's rather pathetic appearance. He always enjoyed giving him witty comments about women and relationships but always with the thought in his mind that it was Derek who was destined
for great romantic love and spending the rest of his life by the side of one woman. Yet, by some strange reversal of roles, he, Mark Sloan, found himself happy with one wonderful woman. Big changes happened in his life in the course of the last few weeks; big things he'd like to shove with Derek.., but couldn't because Derek was being a mess; right now, a mess with a hangover.
"It's great, isn't it?" he started quietly. "When you feel so strongly for someone and it's... it's not just about the sex. It is... it's true."
Derek stared at him as though he'd gone mad and snorted crumpling the empty paper cup. "You should not talk like that."
"Yeah, you're right," nodded Mark half-heartedly and took a sip of his coffee, wincing slightly at the taste.
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Meredith paced inside her tiny office waiting impatiently for Alex, he had paged her about five minutes earlier. Derek was in surgery, a long and complicated one so her office seemed the safest place to receive the results of the blood test. Once again, she smoothed the scrubs covering her belly. For the last few seconds, she could hope or maybe pretend that there was a life growing within her.
"So, here you are," said Alex entering her office. "I haven't looked."
Meredith stared fixedly at the small piece of paper in Alex's hand. She slowly took the form and brought it in front of her eyes.
"You okay?" asked Alex watching her impassive face.
"I… yeah," she mumbled.
"You're looking like Rebecca," he commented.
"Rebecca?" She looked up at him in mild surprise. She was somewhat detached from the surrounding reality, she needed to digest the result of the test.
"My crazy chick," explained Alex. "Not that you're looking crazy. It's just… your eyes… are empty."
"Empty?"
"Disappointed. Rebecca, she thought she was knocked up," he went on. "With my kid. But… she wasn't."
"She wasn't," sighed Mer. "It would… it would complicate everything, wouldn't' it?"
"Or it would make it easier," said Alex. "I thought I was going to freak out when she told me. But… I didn't. My head was clear. I don't pretend I knew what I was doing but I kept going. I had a goal. I thought I was going to have a kid. It… felt good."
"Yeah, you know, we've all come a long way," Meredith exhaled in amazement.
The door opened again and Cristina asked out of breath, "So? Are you knocked up?"
Meredith rolled her eyes and started to speak, "I'm…" she trailed off in horror as her eyes darted past Cristina's shoulder straight into Derek's .
His hand stopped midair as he made to take his ferryboat scrub cap off his head. Shock and disbelief were slowly painting across his face. Cristina followed her person's fearful gaze and muttered with a sinking feeling, "Oh shit."
"Cristina, maybe we should go," addressed her Alex quietly.
"We're not going anywhere," she hissed back. She knew that furious expression of Shepherd's. She wasn't going to leave her person alone with that ass who thought he had every right to stomp all over her as much as he liked.
"Wha…?" his breath hitched as his eyes flashed with anger. "Are you pregnant? Were you going to tell me this time-"
"Derek, I'm-" she tried to cut in.
"Or were you waiting for everyone else around to know first?" he asked bitterly.
"I'm not pregnant," she answered hollowly.
"What a relief it must be for you," he spat.
"You know, Shepherd, for once, you should just shut you-" interrupted Cristina.
"Cristina! Please, stay out of this." insisted Meredith. "Derek, I'm not really in the mood for an argument."
"Let's leave them alone," murmured Alex.
"Alex, no. I want here what that ass has to say to Meredith!"
"And I don't want to know what you have to say, Yang," he bit back. "Knowing your history and wonderful advice, I'm really surprised my daughter even made it to this world. Didn't you want to get rid of her?"
Meredith's skin became pallid as all the blood drained from her face. He could have pushed a knife into her heart and it wouldn't have hurt as much. Her breathing became shallow and her blood boiled. That was enough, he finally pushed her off her limits. She was patient, she was supportive and obedient. This was ending now, right now. She quickly sealed the distance between her and Derek and the next thing she felt was stinging of her palm as it made contact with his stubbly cheek.
"You… no right… no right to talk to me like this!" she gritted out, her voice shaking violently and her eyes becoming glassy. "You couldn't've let it rest, could you? You told me you would forgive me if what I did was forgivable. I guess now we're even!" she cried harshly. "Because what you've just said to me, it's unforgivable!"
Derek opened his mouth to say something, cautiously bringing his hand to his cheek but Meredith wasn't finished.
"How dare you? How dare you stand here and say these things to me?" she whimpered, the tears starting to stream freely down her face. "It never even crossed my mind to get rid of my child! She was, she is the essence of my life, she's what keeps me sane! God, I can't do it anymore!" she brought her hands down dejectedly.
"Meredith," said quietly Derek.
"No! No Meredith!" she shouted him down. "We'll stick to your original plan! We won't be seeing each other, we won't be talking to each other, we won't be working together! We're done, we're done!"
She pinched the bridge of her nose with her fingers and left the place at the top speed. God, she needed air. She needed fresh air or she was going to suffocate.
Derek breathed deeply trying to fight the overwhelming sense of dread. His first impulse was to follow her; what for, he didn't know exactly.
"Oh, no! You're not going anywhere!" Cristina blocked his way. "You've done enough! I told you not to screw this up but you had to break her again!"
"I…" he stammered.
"Shut the hell up!" she growled at him. "She wanted to be pregnant, she actually wanted to have another child with you, son of a bitch! You know, I'll never understand it, what she sees in you, this obsession about you she can't free herself from… God, it's… it's all my fault!" she shook her head. "I talked her into staying in Seattle. I kept pushing her to tell you about Bessie. What I should have done was to say to her "Leave this hell on earth and never come back!"
"You're destroying her, mentally and physically; she's got health problems because of what the hell you're dragging her through!" she warned him. "From now on, you'll stay away from my friend!"
"And it was the last time I heard you speak about my private life," she hissed walking away wondering where Meredith could escape. "Bastard…"
Alex looked at Derek with pity. "What are you doing, man? That girl loves you and she gave you a kid. And you're throwing it all to the wind like that? You-" he shook his head and left Derek alone with his thoughts that were nothing short of depressive.
Like in a trance he stumbled into his office and slumped back on the sofa burying his head into his hands. He didn't have a clear idea of what just happened between him and Meredith. Because if he did, he would be clearly crying right now, even harder than Meredith. It was over, it felt so over, hurt much worse than three years ago. And he brought it over them himself, again.
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Looking at her daughter always calmed her nerves. She realized that with a dose of guilty unease. She didn't want to treat Bessie like a tool in any respect. She was a mother, she had to be strong with her own force. But being around her angel still calmed her down and that was the reason why she sat late into the night watching her daughter sleep in her bed, hours and hours after she tucked her in with a fake smile on her face.
She had to sit beside her bed and listen to the rhythm of her breathing. Because there wasn't anyone and anything else that was able to keep her sane. She craved her tequila like never in the last three years. After such a period of abstinence two shots would throw her in a cheery mood, add the third and she would be out cold. But she couldn't. She was ashamed to miss her poison with such longing but old habits apparently died hard, especially when one was at the verge of breakdown. Lucky McBastard, he could get trashed with his scotch with free reign.
To tell the truth, she wasn't even that angry with him anymore. She always ended up at his feet. He would walk all over her but soon she would kiss his shoes again on her own will. That was the story of her sorry befuddlement of a love. And she couldn't run away this time to rescue herself. Bessie loved her sorry ass of a father. She loved him so much. How would they make it work in the light of the recent events? She had absolutely no idea.
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A/N You can put the sharp objects away! (hiding myself now) I feel awful for messing them again but fortunately it's the last time. It might not look like it right now but they're going to sit and talk at long last, like really talk. I promise that I'll fix them, sooner than you think.
About McBaby, some of you are probably disappointed, others relieved. I didn't plan the second MBaby… yet.
I hope you're not too depressed with the chapter. The next one will be much lighter. I don't know when I'll be able to post it as I have massive exams coming but I don't want to keep you hanging with broken MerDer so I try to come up fast with it.
If you feel the need to lighten up in the meantime, take a look at my other story - A Force To Be Reckoned With, in which MerDer are in a porny heaven.
Anxious to hear what you think, even if you hate the chappie.
Cheers,
Em
