I had dinner with Ed that night, in some swanky uptown restaurant where he knew the owner. Edwin Venturi was something these days. He had friends in stellar places.

It washed over his step-sisters though. Lizzie and I ribbed him about his status constantly.

"So how was your week?" Ed asked politely, as the waiter poured his wine into his glass. The sight of the alcohol reminded me of Derek and I put my flattened hand over my own glass and shook my head.

"Just mineral water please."

Ed looked at me in surprise. "Well that's a first!" he said. "Casey turning down her favourite chardonnay."

I shrugged. "I don't feel like drinking tonight."
"Are you pregnant?!" he asked with characteristic bluntness.

"Edwin. You are privy to most of my life, even the stuff I hide from Mom and George. Do I look like I'm dating someone?"

He took a pointed sip of his wine and smiled. "No. But there's always the one-nighter."

"Oh for fu…heavens sake, Ed. No. I'm not pregnant. I'm…just on a health kick." I lied.

"You don't need to lose weight Casey."

"I'm not trying to. I just think maybe I drink a bit too much alcohol at times. I'm cutting down…maybe even giving up altogether."

"You sound like Derek. His nutritionist has got him on the wagon too."

Yeah Ed. I know. I tried to distract him.

"Talking of whom, I had coffee with Derek this morning." I slipped the comment in nonchalantly.

Edwin choked into his glass.

"Really?" he coughed.

"Yup. We spent two hours chatting over old times."

Edwin stared at me. "How come this didn't make the evening news? I thought train wrecks were newsworthy."

"Because it wasn't a train wreck."

He laughed. "Nice try sis."

"It wasn't." I protested.

"How long?"

"How long what?"

"How long did the coffee last?"

I shrugged. "Two hours."

Edwin was quiet. "And how much of that time did you argue?"

I pulled a face. "Why do you think we argued? We're not fifteen anymore."

"Casey. You and Derek…until you both sort your shit out…are going to argue until you stop breathing."
"Actually we were quite civilised. There's hope for this book after all."

"Seriously?" He looked calm, but I sensed an element of concern about him. Why would the idea of us not arguing concern him?

"So you didn't argue at all?"

I was uncomfortable. "I didn't say that."

Edwin chuckled. "So you did argue?"
"A bit. Okay, a lot. But not as badly as I had thought we would. We were civil, for us at least."

"The sooner the pair of you stop fannying about and hook up again the better."

I laughed. "For us or for you and Liz?"

And then I regretted saying it, because it wasn't an open thing for discussion, Edwin and Lizzie's non-relationship. A shadow flashed across his face.

"Sorry Ed." I murmured.

He bit his bottom lip and looked away.

"Fuck Ed! I'm sorry. I have the tact of a truck."

He sniggered. "Perhaps it's a good job you didn't have the chardonnay if you are going to say things like that sentence."

I rolled my eyes at him as the waiter appeared beside us to take our order.

We had our food in front of us when Edwin's Blackberry rang, or rather vibrated. It did a little glowing dance across the tablecloth. Reading upside down I saw the words, Derek Mob Calling.

"Speak of the devil…" Edwin said, picking the phone up and answering it. We were in a corner of the restaurant some distance from other diners so he wasn't disturbing anyone.

"Hi Bro." Ed said. And I carried on eating…and listening to the one sided conversation.

"Having dinner with a hot brunette…Ha ha…except it's true…no I am not having dinner with Nora…or Lizzie… or Marti…can you just drop it? Fuck. Yeah Okay, it's Casey."

I laughed. I could imagine Derek on the other end of the phone.

"'selling my soul to the devil' yeah that's a good one, except I know you had coffee with her this morning…Only because you're an ass! Anyway, I gather you managed to talk sensibly without killing each other…I don't think there is such a thing as client confidentiality in this situation Derek…You're a jerk sometimes, you know that?"

I wondered what Derek was saying that was making Edwin so riled.

"She gave you the chance to duck out of it. Don't make things hard for her, asshole. She loves that job."

I closed my eyes as I understood. Derek was making threats about getting me fired for discussing him with Edwin.

"I'm not having this conversation right now." Edwin said and hung up.

There was silence between us for a moment.

"Sorry Ed."

"Why?" He started eating again.

"Our little feud hurts so many people."

He looked up and tried to smile reassuringly.

"Nah. We're all used to it by now. Water off a duck's back."

Somehow that hurt even worse.

Edwin saw my expression and went on. "Don't worry about it. He'll phone back later and shout at me, and I'll shout at him, we'll both apologise and then everything will be fine again."

"Bit different to when he'd give you a wet willy." I said almost smiling.

"Urgh. Don't remind me." Edwin picked at his food. "Does he write about the family?"

"Ed. I can't. Derek's right. I can't discuss specifics."

"Is it a good book?"

"It will be. I'm quite impressed with it actually."

"And are you in it?" He asked, pointedly. I guess my revelation in the park prompted that one.

"Ed…" I warned.

"I just want to know whether to tell Nora not to read it."

I sighed. "There's nothing in there that Nora won't want to read. There's not a lot in there that she'll find interesting…" Ed frowned.

"It's a hockey book, Ed."

He grinned. "I'm right with you there."

I gaped at him. "You go and watch his games all the time!" I protested.

"I go and sit in the stands and I watch. But, ice hockey still leaves me cold."

I was thoughtful for a while. "I used to watch him. For several weeks I watched every game. It grew on me."

Edwin let me be with my thoughts.

"You miss him. Don't you?"

"I love him, Ed. I know what I did back then, but that never changed."

"What exactly did Nora say to you?" he asked the question he had probably been dying to ask for fifteen years. The question was would I answer it?

I closed my eyes and thought back, wondering if this was something I wanted to share. If course I had shared it with Derek as I was dumping him, but…

"Hi Mom!" I greeted her as she appeared in my doorway, slim again after Robbie's birth. We hugged as she sat beside me on my bed. I'd missed her so much while I was away at college.

In the years before we moved into the Venturi home, my mom had been one of my closest friends. I had gone to her for all sorts of advice. There was a time when I couldn't make a decision without consulting with my mom.

That had all changed with college of course, because I had to make decisions of my own. And after tonight…well it would be a long time before I would ask anyone for their opinion on something so close to my heart again.

"How does it feel to be home?" She asked, grinning and squeezing me.

"Breath-taking!" I said pointedly.

"Whoops! Sorry!" she let go of me. "So. How's life as an adult?"

"Good…really good."

"Any boys?"

I chuckled and pulled my right ankle under my left thigh. "Mom. I'm nineteen. They aren't boys anymore. They're all grown up."

"Even Derek?" she asked, raising an amused eyebrow.

"Especially Derek."

"Oh?" My mom wasn't slow on the uptake.

"He's not such a bad guy mom."

She sat back. "Oh."

"Is it a problem?" I asked.

"A problem?" Mom pulled a face. "No. You and Derek getting on…George and I always hoped. But there is getting on, and there's getting on…Just how close are you getting?"

Well you know, mom, he screwed me senseless last night…repeatedly. And do you know what? Not only didn't I vomit, but if he doesn't do it again and soon, I may cut bits of his anatomy off.

"Close." Was what I allowed myself to say.

"You're dating?" she sounded surprised.

I took a deep breath and nodded.

"Wow!"

I sensed a reluctance in her expression. I didn't exactly expect enthusiasm but…

"Is that a good idea, Casey? I mean, I know he's my step-son but…he has a reputation."

"I was there mom, I know his reputation."

"Casey. Be serious about this. Derek is a charmer. I know he is good-looking and he has the gift of the gab, but, if…when this all finishes, you are still members of the same family"

"When?"

"Oh come on, Casey. This is Derek we are talking about. He doesn't do love and commitment."

And, against my heart's wishes, I think that was when I started to listen. Because I never understood why he would go for me.

I listened for half an hour to my mom, the person I trusted most in the world, as she reminded me of the Derek I had lived with. How he had treated his previous girlfriends. And she named them all. I hadn't realised how observant my mom had been.

It didn't occur to me until months later, that the one person she hadn't mentioned had been Sally.

Because that was the one relationship that supported MY theory about Derek. That he could do long term. That he knew love.

At the end of the half an hour, she had convinced me.

It broke my heart.


I told Ed. He deserved to know. I knew he would tell Lizzie, and I gave him permission. I made a mental note to phone Marti. The three of them were equal in my eyes. What Ed knew, the girls should know.

"So I guess, Derek only has himself to blame." Ed said, as I went into detail about the comments Nora had made about each of Derek's girlfriends.

"No. Because Derek was fifteen…at most eighteen. How committed are you at that age?"

"So why was it different at nineteen?"

"It wasn't Ed. And that was the point. We crossed the line too soon. A few years later…it might have worked. I couldn't expect commitment at nineteen."

"You hurt him Casey." Edwin said. "I've never seen Derek like that."

"I hurt myself too, Edwin. My one consolation is the hurt to myself was probably greater than my hurt to him."

"Try telling that to Derek."

"I did, Ed. That's when he walked away from me."


I lay for a long time that night looking at the ceiling. Sleep did not want to come. I thought about Derek sitting next to me in my kitchen and about how hard it had been to not reach across and kiss him. For me, at least, he looked no different to the way he had when he had said goodbye.

I still loved him.