Identity Lost

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and its characters, I do not own.

Fifteen – Psychoanalysis

Death is a tool that shows us all how incredibly human we are, that everything must come to an end.

Pagan's death: Mima couldn't even recall how she found out. Perhaps it had been Isabel who called her three days ago with the news. She remembered feeling numb and unable to process anything that was being said over the phone. It disgusted her how things had ended between them. Who cared what Pagan thought? Why couldn't she let the old man have the little indulgence to think that she were Relena? The elderly were prone to suffer memory lapses after all, weren't they? She couldn't help the guilt that clouded her senses – What if she was the one who caused him to have the heart attack?

Clad in black with dark sunglasses, she made sure that she was the last to arrive at the funeral. The Church service had finished and everyone headed to the gravesite where Pagan would be laid. Mima noticed Zechs standing solemnly next to Jezzie while the former Gundam pilots stood quietly behind them in a row. The priest offered a final verse from the Bible while dozens of relatives and associates wept silently and reminisced.

Mima stayed far behind from the crowd and hoped that her glasses would mask her identity. This was the last place where she wanted to start any trouble with Jezzie. She only hoped that she could pay respects to Pagan without being noticed by anyone. Once the attendees began to leave, Mima quickly hid behind a nearby tree to avoid being spotted. Pagan's immediate family thanked everyone for coming and she noticed Zechs and Jezzie getting into their dark sedan. Mima was trying to steal a glance at Heero but he was nowhere to be found. Perhaps he had already left with the crowd.

She waited a few more minutes to ensure that all the guests had already left before approaching Pagan. Mima slowly walked out from behind the trunk of the aging oak tree to bid a final farewell. Dozens of flowers littered the newly covered earth and Mima felt somewhat inadequate when she laid a single iris among the other bouquets. An iris, she recalled, was known to represent faith, hope, and wisdom; all characteristics in which she felt he possessed.

As she knelt by his grave, she sensed the most horrible pain in her heart at the loss and she couldn't explain why she felt so strongly towards the recently deceased butler. They were only acquainted for a few months but, somehow, it felt much longer than that.

"Pagan, I'm sorry."

She thought about all the conversations she had with Pagan. She remembered his kind face and his willingness to help her. His voice… his words became the prevailing voice in her head, which she couldn't shake.

"You're Relena Darlian!" Pagan said softly.

"How do I even begin to explain this?"

"Relena…"

"Mima, please listen."

"STOP IT!" She hissed at the voice. Mima could feel another migraine coming. Very carefully, she breathed deeply and exhaled through her mouth as beads of sweat began forming on her forehead. "Stop…stop." She whispered, now begging for the migraine to cease. With two shaking hands, she covered both sides of her head to prevent the oncoming onslaught. She was too wrapped up trying to control her headache to hear anyone approach her from behind.


Heero knew the minute she showed up to the funeral. It was almost as if all his senses were tuned in to her and he wondered why she had such an effect on him. He noticed that she was trying to remain unseen in the throng of guests. Apparently the last thing she wanted was a confrontation. But why was she here?

When Relena and the others were ready to leave, Heero decided to investigate the very enigma that was in question.

"I'll catch up with you guys later. There's something I left back at the office." He said to the others.

They didn't so much as bat an eyelid to his lie and Duo simply gave him a wave. Ten short minutes later, everyone had departed. Heero couldn't explain his need to see her but this was probably the last opportunity he had to speak to Mima.

He watched her carefully as she walked to Pagan's gravestone. She kneeled down beside the newly covered earth and said something too soft for Heero to hear. He stood only five steps behind her and she showed no signs of knowing that someone was there. She looked thinner to him and she was breathing harder than usual. Was she crying?

Instead of going to her, he said softly, "He was a good man."

A gentle voice knocked her out of her pain-filled state and the migraine gradually receded. Mima's breathing slowed considerably and she removed her hands from her head. It seemed that the catalyst behind the migraine was thinking about Pagan's haunting words. Mima was grateful to the unknown stranger for stopping the pounding in her head.

She felt too weak to get up and remained kneeling in front of Pagan. "Yes, he was. I miss him already." Mima replied.

The stranger still had no intention of revealing himself and she was too tired to turn around. She only continued to look at Pagan's full name engraved on the stone and asked, "Were you two well acquainted?"

Heero put his hands into the pockets of his suit in a lazy pose. He wanted to go to her but he didn't know how. "We knew each other," was his only response.

She paused to take in what he said and reached down to touch the necklace that Pagan found for her. "He was the only one," Mima continued, "who was kind to me when others doubted my innocence. He…" Her voice cracked and she tried to keep her emotions in check.

"When others doubted your innocence?" He repeated, though he knew the subject to which she was referring. If he played his cards right, he may be able to get more information out of her while she was in an emotionally frazzled state. Although it pained him to find the truth this way, he just had to know. "What happened?"

"A misunderstanding. That's all it was." Mima began. Still, she remained kneeling before Pagan, evidently in no hurry to get up. "I was accused of hurting someone… someone very important."

He could see her slightly trembling as she relayed her side of the story. "Did you?" Heero asked in the same tone as the Perfect Soldier.

She was silent for so long that he thought she wasn't going to answer, but then she said, "You know what the funny thing is? They never asked me that; he didn't ask me that. I think that was what hurt the most, the fact that he didn't trust me."

She was talking about him and there was nothing more she could say to make him feel even worse than he already did about his actions that night. He wanted to apologize but the words escaped him.

"As much as we didn't get along, her and I," She went on, "I wouldn't… I couldn't have… Well, this probably isn't making any sense to you."

It was ironic that he understood everything she was saying and not saying. He desperately wanted to believe her.

"And Pagan," Mima reached over to brush her delicate fingers across the etchings on the stone, "he believed me."

He knew her pain. It seemed like yesterday when he found out Relena had disappeared. At that time, the overwhelming need to make sense of things was all too great. Without realizing it, he approached her and stood right behind her crouched form.

Mima's head was bowed and her fingers trailed down to the years carved on the granite, dictating the timeframe that he had been on Earth. Instinctively, Heero reached out a hand to touch her shoulder for comfort but he noticed something that stopped him from making that contact. His hand hung mid-air between them as he stared at the anomaly in front of him. Her hair… The roots of her hair were growing in but the surprising thing was that her new hair was dark blond. Mima's natural hair color wasn't black; her hair was dyed. He couldn't explain why that little fact disturbed him as he dropped the hand back to his side.

"There is something that he left with me, though." She said.

"What was that?" He asked, thankful that she disrupted his thoughts.

Very quietly, she whispered, "hope." Pagan rekindled the little hope left in her to find out who she really was. Mima never really gave it much thought but she wanted to reclaim her past now more than ever. The realism of his death proved how human they all were; she could pass on at any moment without really knowing who she was and she couldn't accept that.

"Hope." She said with more conviction. "Yes, Pagan, I know what I must do."

He was confused but she must have realized something important during their conversation, something to which only she understood. Mima slowly stood back up, never averting her eyes away from Pagan's grave. "Thank you."

"What must you do?"

It just occurred to her that she still didn't know to whom she was speaking with and it unnerved her that the voice sounded familiar and yet, she couldn't put a name to it. Just then, she turned around and asked, "Who are…

Before the rest of the question left her lips, her eyes made contact with the very person who nearly killed her. Mima immediately took a step back, not knowing whether her reflex was driven by fear and anger or the fact that he was standing too close to her.

"…you?" She couldn't believe that Heero Yuy was the man behind her and it almost angered her that he didn't make himself known. A tense silence ensued where neither made any attempt to speak.

"Heero… what are you doing?" Mima asked, frustrated that he would try to have her confess to him while she was mourning for Pagan. It hurt too much to think he would stoop so low to protect his precious Relena. "You couldn't even ask me face to face, could you?"

"I… I'm sorry." He apologized, not knowing what else to say.

The anger that he sensed in her was well warranted and he couldn't force himself to look into her eyes. What he did to her was unforgivable. How he treated her was inexcusable. She showed nothing but kindness to him, despite his abject obsession with a certain woman. But she didn't care. How was he supposed to tell her all these things when there was such a rift between them, when he was the one who ignited the fuse that severed their friendship?

She continued, "Heero, your devotion to Relena is admirable. I should only be so lucky to find someone like you."

"Mima…"

She kissed her left hand and placed it on the gravestone in final farewell to Pagan and walked away.


Mima waited patiently in the main office of Dr. David Tobias' Medical Clinic. The newly constructed brick building was located in the epicenter of downtown where the comings and goings were twenty-four/seven. Leather seats and a glass coffee table adorned the waiting area. Random pieces of art hung on the walls and she wondered how many of her paychecks it would take to afford the framing alone. It seemed Dr. Tobias spared no expenses when it came to making his patients feel that they were getting the most prestigious treatment and utmost care. The secretary, whose name escaped Mima, sat on the opposite side behind her post, typing away at something and answering phones in one fluid motion.

Finances were still tight and it was a miracle that she could afford the few sessions. Her budget would probably be maxed out after the 4th or 5th session and she hoped that if she worked hard enough, there would be some catalyst to jump-start her memory.

"Dr. Tobias will see you now." The secretary motioned as she pulled the door open that led into the room where the sessions were usually held.

"Ah, Mima. Nice to see you again." Dr. Tobias began. "Please have a seat."

"Thank you." She took her usual seat opposite the doctor as he grabbed his clipboard and joined her.

"This is our third session. Do you feel any changes at all? Anything coming back to you?" Tobias asked patiently.

Mima sighed and shook her head slightly. She, too, hoped that there would be some improvement in recapturing her memory. That was the reason why she came to the Clinic in the first place. Under some careful research, she found Dr. Tobias' reputation to be the most successful and dependable. If she couldn't recover her memory through their therapy sessions then there was no saving her.

"Let's quickly recap what we discussed before, shall we?" Mima nodded once and gave a weak smile. He knew that she was trying but generalised memory losses were not easily treated. In fact, it had been a long time since he'd met a patient who was as determined as she to remember her past.

"The first thing you remember is waking up at the Kanzaki residence and that's where you've lived for the past 8 or 9 years until you moved out with your sister, Jezzie." Dr.Tobias stated as he flipped through his notes. "You were looked after by Harry and Samantha and have been working for them at the bar since that timeframe?"

"Correct." She acknowledged.

He thought it rather strange that the couple that took her in had never bothered to help reclaim her memory and he told her so.

"I never understood their logic either but I never wanted to pry since they were the only family that I knew. I mean, I had nowhere else to go."

Dr. David Tobias jotted a few more notes and asked, "You must have thought about your true identity before and yet, I'm seeing you ten years later after the fact. Why now?"

She looked away from him then and it was obvious the question made her uncomfortable.

"Very well, we will leave that question for later. I'd like to try something different today. There is a therapy where the patients are put under hypnosis and we are going to try to bring your repressed memories to the surface." He explained to her as he stood up to set up the tape recording.

"Hypnosis?" Mima blurted. "I…I'm sorry but I don't think that's going to work."

Dr. Tobias popped in a new cassette tape and sat back down in his seat. "We'll never know until we try, right? I will be recording this session so we can review it at a later date. Just sit back and relax, okay?"

The psychiatrist spent the next ten minutes giving simple instructions to help Mima clear her mind. He went over breathing techniques and asked her to envision calming images such as the sea, a forest, and so on and so forth. Mima thought it was all overdone and couldn't see how it would help her recover her memory.

With her eyes closed, she could see none of those things. It simply looked black. "Doctor, I don't see… Wait."

"What do you see, Mima?"

Suddenly her world of darkness flashed into color. She stood in front of grand building several floors high. Although she'd never been there before, it seemed familiar so it must have been from a time she couldn't remember. Students dressed in the same violet uniform were mingling around her as they ran to and from the main gate.

C'mon, Relena. Mr. Tanaka will have a fit if we're late again!

Relena, let's go!

"Students… Someone's calling Relena to hurry." Mima said, trying to make sense of what she was seeing in her trance.

"What else is happening?" Dr. Tobias probed.

"Um…" Soon the image shifted and she was in front of a crowd, handing a letter to a young boy. She couldn't see his face since there was a bright light distorting his true appearance. However, she noticed that he was dressed in the same style of uniform that they all were, albeit his suit was blue.

"I see a boy and I give him something."

"Go on…" The doctor said.

Mima furrowed her eyebrows in concentration and said, "It's an invitation, a birthday invitation." She was breathing harder while she tried to remember. "He rips it in half and…"

"Mima, you must concentrate." Tobias urged.

"He says…" The face was slowly becoming clearer as he walked right up to her to wipe a single tear from her face. "…I'll destroy you."

It was Heero. She couldn't believe it! The boy was a striking likeness to the Heero that she knew now. He possessed the same piercing eyes, the lithe muscular form, and unruly mass of brown hair. Without a doubt, it was Heero Yuy. As she mentally reached out to touch him, the figure disappeared in smoke as the background faded into nothingness.

"I… I can't do this." Mima whispered as her head lulled back and forth on the couch.

He looked up from his notes then and saw her struggling with the painful image. I'll destroy you. Was that really what she said? Clearly it was taking a lot out of her and he wasn't sure if it was really her past that she was seeing. "Mima, I want to you leave that time behind. Slow your breathing and concentrate on my voice."

Her labored breathing lengthened as he continued to calm her and her head rested comfortably once again on the headrest.

"All you see is a calming darkness. Now, return to us and open your eyes." Tobias instructed.

The images she saw gradually faded into black and she blinked her eyes a few times to adjust to the brightness in the room. It felt strange to her to see such images in her head and she gently rubbed her forehead as the doctor spoke to her.

"Do you remember everything that you just experienced?"

"Yes," She stated, "but I'm not sure if they were a true recollection of my past."

The doctor scribbled some more notes on his notepad, nodding at her response. "Why do you say that?"

She tried to look over to see what he was writing down but was unsuccessful. Mima always grew nervous whenever Dr. Tobias wrote his shorthand notes because it made her feel more vulnerable, almost as if her very words were being analyzed under a microscope. She rolled her shoulders around out of nervousness and said, "well, Heero was there and that just doesn't make any sense."

He simply nodded for her to continue as the pen kept its flawless dance across the paper.

"He is someone that I met recently and I don't see how we could have possibly known each other before. There must have been some crazy wires crossed between the present and the past, right?"

"How would you know?"

She paused and stared at him. "I…well, what are the chances that I'd run into someone I knew from my past life?"

"I'd like you to think about that until next time."


Connor Striker sat at home, alone yet again. He lounged comfortably on his sofa, droning out the white noise coming from the television set and ignoring the paperwork that was stacked inches high on his office table just down the hall.

He really must get back to work but one glance at the documents had him grimacing and he picked up the cordless phone to order take out.

"Alright, I'll get to it once I get some food in me." He promised himself.

It didn't take long for the doorbell to ring and his stomach growled out of instinct. "I'm coming." He announced, reaching for a twenty-dollar bill from his wallet.

Connor opened the door halfway and said, "You guys sure work fast. Did you get new manageme…?"

It wasn't the delivery guy. "Mima."

She was the last person he expected to see in his doorway and his shocked expression mirrored how he felt. Soon the shock was replaced with excitement and delight. Dressed in a form-fitting overcoat and simple cardigan pants, she looked beautiful no matter what she wore.

"Hi." She said quietly.

"Hi." He merely repeated. When he was certain he had overcome the surprise of seeing Mima here, he said, "I mean, how've you been? Would…you like to come in?"

"I…" Mima looked more tensed than usual and that got him wondering why she was here in the first place. She had her arms wrapped around herself as if for warmth or comfort. Something must have been wrong.

"What is it?" Connor asked calmly. "What happened?"

"I'm sorry. I should've never come." She said as she turned to leave.

He immediately reached for her arm and gently held her back. "No, please."

She looked back at him and she was taken back by the look in his eyes.

"Come in and tell me what's wrong." He pleaded. "Let me help you." The human contact was what made her cave. She didn't want to acknowledge the fact that it felt good to have someone care for her when she needed it most. Connor led her into his home and had her sit on the couch that he just vacated. He didn't join her until he filled a glass of water for her from the kitchen.

"What's wrong?" Connor asked, sitting himself next to Mima but ensuring there was enough space between them.

"I guess that's why I came to see you. There's really no one else I could turn to." She admitted, holding the untouched glass in her hand.

"What do you mean?"

Instead of answering, she said, "Have I ever told you that I don't really know who I am?"

He chuckled and said, "We all feel that way sometimes."

"No. It's different." She said. "I…" Although the words were on the tip of her tongue, she couldn't tell him what she'd been through, the pain she'd suffered. He'd probably think she was out of her mind.

Heero was still lingering in her thoughts and she wanted to forget him. He was consuming her and it was even affecting her attempts at trying to remember her past. Heero was everywhere and it wouldn't help if she couldn't focus on getting her memory back if she couldn't see past the obsession with the Japanese man.

Was that why she was here? Was she using Connor as a distraction? Suddenly, she didn't feel right being there. She had no right to use him. "I shouldn't be here. I really should get going."

"Mima, just sit still for 5 minutes, please! It won't kill you." Connor admitted. "I know something is wrong. Otherwise, you wouldn't be here."

"I'm here for the wrong reasons."

"It doesn't matter."

"But…"

"Mima, I'm here for you." He said, strangely gentle. "I've always been."

He wanted to kick himself for not being able to express how he felt. It wouldn't surprise him if she thought that his attraction to her was merely trivial but how was he supposed to prove otherwise? Very slowly, Connor brushed a hand over the loose hair that fell over his face. His heart was hammering in his chest, urging him to come clean with his feelings. Connor stared at her, hoping she could read him through his eyes.

He did seem different somehow, she thought. He wasn't cracking jokes or making light of the situation and he wanted her to know that he could be serious when the opportune moment presented itself.

Connor continued, "I care about you and I've never felt this way about anyone. It's not just some random infatuation that I have with other girls. It's… What I feel for you is real."

It was uncanny how similar their romantic problems were. Connor's attraction to her was probably just as strong as the feelings she had for Heero.

"Like two peas in a pod." Mima murmured to herself.

"What?" He asked, confused.

The doorbell rang then and Connor cursed out loud. He stood up quickly and held both hands out for Mima to remain where she was. "Don't move. I'll be right back."

As he went to get the door, she took the time to look around his place. Everything was immaculately tidy and in order. There weren't any beer cans strewn everywhere and she predicted that if she brushed a finger over the counter top by the wall, she wouldn't find a speck of dust on it. Mima shook her head slightly and scolded herself for doing it again – comparing Connor to Heero.

The more she thought about it, however, the more it didn't make sense to her. Why was she wasting her time waiting for someone that would never be hers when Connor was standing merely a few feet away?

She recalled most of their previous encounters where he was desperate to cajole one date out of her. Not once had she replied in the affirmative and now she began to wonder why. It wasn't because she disliked him. Sometimes she found him rather amusing at his determination and perseverance. She knew that dozens of women would be fighting for the chance to get to know him better. He was a suave, sophisticated, and independent individual after all. More importantly, he chose her. Out of all the beautiful women that he undoubtedly had the chance of meeting, he wasn't interested in them. He wanted her. Didn't that say something? Shouldn't she at least give him the benefit of the doubt?

"I should." Mima whispered as Connor walked back into the living room with boxes of Chinese food.

"Mima, let's have some dinner. We can finish our conversation later." He said, putting everything on the dining table and grabbing cutlery from the kitchen drawer.

"No, we can finish the conversation now." She said, standing up.

Her tone of voice sounded strained and he looked at her. Mima walked over to him and cupped his confused face in both hands. Their eyes never wavered from one another. "I… want to give this a try."

"Mima…"

Connor's thoughts were racing thunderously. He carefully reached for one of her hands that held his face to make sure she was real. He leaned down and brushed his lips to hers in a very innocent kiss.

She closed her eyes and thought it was right to do this. She deserved to be loved and yet, Mima only felt the physical mating of their mouths. Deep down in her soul, she felt raw, blank, as if she were floating in nothingness.

But by god, she was going to try to make it work.

TBC

A/N: Happy Belated New Years to all… and Happy (soon to be) Chinese New Year!!!

Thanks for all your reviews!! Thank you: WindCloud, marble eyes, Morrighan, Fanatic, Kitty Yannie, Liesl 944, Mini Nicka, Lay Hime, yuya otaku, Nubia, yuya hime, Anrui Shino, Amulak, 999Shikaku999, kar00, crystal-gundam, Koori Youkai Hime, TheEvilAshleyness, Marli8907, Odinpeacecraft, and zero0001.

Regarding some of your questions, let's see if I can answer some of them:

So many people want Relena to remember already… HAHAHAH... I promise you… She will finally remember in the upcoming chapter. That's right, you heard me!! So, please be patient for a little longer!

Yuya hime – I haven't really considered Heero's point of view in all this. I guess that was my fault for not thinking it through. I guess Heero's not really paying attention. He's been blinded by the fact that he finally has Relena back and he's not picking anything up on the proverbial Perfect Soldier radar. I'll try to make a point of correcting this for the later chapters. Thanks!