Identity Lost

Disclaimer: Gundam Wing and its characters, I do not own.

Eighteen – Changes

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. Anatole France

Relena returned to work after her brief but straining vacation and things were exactly as she left it. The usual torrent of customers was as expected, her co-workers were busily hustling around the bar as before and she welcomed the familiarity with open arms.

"Look who's decided to grace us with her presence? It's been a zoo here without you. Now that you're back, you can cover my slack." Catarina Strathmore teased as she gave a gentle nudge before running off to another table.

"Missed you, too." Relena smiled.

The shift ended at 2am and she was ready to turn it in. She only saw Samantha briefly behind the cash register as she served a tray full of beer. For the rest of the night, her mother was nowhere in sight and she didn't even recall seeing Harry since her return to work.

As she was changing out of her uniform in the staff room, she didn't know how she would continue to be as ignorant of her adoptive parents as before. Every look, every word they exchanged with her would be a lie. She closed her locker and plumped down on the bench. How was she going to deal with Samantha and Harry?

What purpose would be served if she confronted them about their deceit? It wouldn't bring her any closer to recovering everything that she had lost but it might help her rid of some demons that continued to haunt her. With her mind made up, she grabbed her purse and headed out to have a long overdue conversation with the people she called mother and father.

The lateness of the hour compelled most of the patrons to head home and only a few men were left reaching for their coats to leave. Servers began to clean the counters and overturn the chairs onto the wooden tables, their four legs pointing skyward. Relena walked around Joe Radcliffe who was mopping the beer and peanut shells off the ground.

"Heading home, Mima?" Joe inquired.

"Not yet. I'm looking for… my mother." She paused for a moment, unsure of what to call Samantha now and thought it was best not to confuse anymore people. Better to continue letting everyone believe that they were still her parents. "Do you know where she is?"

"Back office." He tilted his head in the direction he was implying and returned his attention to the floor.

"Thanks."

Her pace slowed as she neared the door to the manager's office and when she stood a mere foot from the entryway her right hand lingered on the doorknob, pensive. Relena thought back to the day's events and wondered if it would've been better if she approached Samantha in a more public setting but clearly that was impossible since it felt as if Samantha was going to great lengths to avoid her. Maybe she was thinking too much. She just needed to get this over with.

"No more stalling." Relena breathed and made three light taps on the door and turned the knob.

"Sorry to interrupt," she began. "But I needed to speak with you." She opened the door wider and noticed both Harry and Samantha going over a book ledger with what she assumed was the last month's capital gains and losses. The moment they heard and saw her walk in, they both stared like wild animals lost in headlights.

"We're busy right now. Talk to us later." Samantha replied tartly.

"It's important." She countered.

Harry removed his reading glasses and motioned for Relena to sit down before Samantha had the opportunity to refuse her again.

"Don't mind your mother. She's in one of her foul moods." He apologized.

Unsure whether she should do this standing up or not, she chose the latter and gently sat down across from them.

"Remember about my accident all those years ago?" She began.

Samantha immediately interrupted, without an ounce of patience. "Not this again. We've already gone through this a thousand times. There wasn't anything we could do. You always rode so fast on that damn bike of yours and…"

"I remember." Relena announced simply. The mood of the room suddenly shifted from one of dormant hostility to abject fear of discovery. They seemed unwilling to speak after her confession and it only fueled her frustration and apprehension. "Don't you have anything to say?"

Harry sighed softly and hung his head downward, defeated. Samantha merely stared at her, defiant till the very end.

"That night, I remember nothing after crossing the street. You were the ones who ran into me, weren't you?"

"Mima, we didn't mean you any harm. Things happened so fast and before we knew it, we were keeping you with us." Harry explained softly, still avoiding Relena's gaze. "And when we found out you were Relena Darlian, we nearly had a heart attack. By that point, we were so consumed by fear. We couldn't hand you over to the authorities by that point, especially when you couldn't even remember who you were."

She absorbed everything he said and no matter how hard she wanted to hate them, she felt a surprising calm wash over her. After living with Samantha and Harry for a good number of years, their motives on that fateful night seemed to be a novel example of the type of people they were: cowardly, fearful of the authorities, and never owning up to their mistakes. These were the very people who kept her away from the ones she loved and yet, she understood them. Understanding didn't necessarily allow her to forgive them for the decisions that they made but she slowly came to accept things as how they are. Otherwise, she'd be driven to depression with everything that she couldn't control in life.

Relena refocused her thoughts back on Harry as he continued explaining what they went through that night and why they decided against taking her to the hospital, despite their better sense of judgment. For the first time since she knew them, Harry was the one doing all the talking while Samantha sulked quietly next to him. In fact, she couldn't remember him ever speaking so many sentences in one breath.

"… but it's different now." Harry went on. "You've regained your memories and everything will be fine again."

"No, I'm afraid it won't." Relena said softly.

He looked hurt and said, "I know we didn't do right by you all these years and I've always regretted our decision when we didn't get you medical help. Your condition could've easily turned for the worse and… and I don't want to even think what might've happened if you didn't regain consciousness."

Relena shook her head and replied, "That's not what I mean. I never realized you harbored so much guilt all these years and justifiably so. What I meant was I can't go back. Jezzie had convinced everyone that she is Relena Darlian and nothing could prove otherwise." She spent the next ten minutes explaining recent events, listing all of Jezzie's schemes that she discovered, only too late to do anything about it. Her adoptive parents sat stunned to silence through her narrative.

Then another thought came to mind and she asked, "Was this your plan all along? To put Jezzie in my place? You knew how much we looked alike and…"

Harry adamantly rejected that notion. "We never even knew who you were. I didn't even know how crass Jezzie had become and would never have imagined her to pull a stunt like this. Do you know anything about this, Sam?"

Instead of responding, she stood up and simply left the room.


"How could you be so indiscreet?" Samantha nearly hollered into the phone.

"Nice to hear from you too, mom." Jezzie sounded bored. Samantha was renowned for over-exaggeration and she had better things to do than listening to her mother's tirade.

"She remembers, alright? Relena remembers everything." Samantha heard a surprised gasp from the other end of the line and was glad the seriousness of the situation was finally getting through her daughter's thick-headed skull.

"This time you've gone too far." She continued her lecture despite the uselessness of her words. "This has been the riskiest stunt you've pulled and I don't think I can help you out of this one."

Jezzie's heart skipped a beat and her panic gradually faded when she remembered one vital piece of information. "Mom, I've already discredited her to those who matter. They all believe she's a nutcase. The indisputable DNA evidence was all I needed to ensure my stay here."

"Do you think this is still a game? Jezzie, what you're doing is criminal. You've had your fun so I suggest you pack it in and get out now."

"But…"

"Now! Do you understand me?" Samantha hung up the phone harshly, hoping that her threat was registered.


The autumn crisp air felt chilly but she welcomed the cold to sooth her heated mind. Relena didn't think she'd be as laid back when confronting Harry and Samantha but she felt some form of closure when she poured her heart out. Her adopted father seemed unusually sympathetic and apologetic but Samantha remained as insensitive and indifferent. In fact, she felt an accusatory glare from her mother of ten years; a glare which spoke volumes, blaming her presence for their unfortunate shortcomings.

The sun was soon falling past the horizon and the street lights flickered on. Weaving her way through other pedestrians, she thought long and hard about what her next move should be. One thing was certain, she couldn't return to work at Hieronymous. After her brief confrontation with Harry and Samantha, she refused to work in an environment where the risk of losing her sense and common judgment were high. It would be far too awkward and she could do without the incessant reminder of who was responsible for the drastic shift in her life. Relena reasoned that the only way for her to put everything behind her was to leave, leave everyone and everything. A change would be good for her. By the time she made it back to the apartment she took a quick perusal of her home and sadly noticed that she didn't have that many personal items she needed to pack up. But that also made her job easier to move. Relena hoped that Harry was still at work so that she could break the news to him.

She systematically dialed the number for the back office and was relieved when Harry picked up the phone.

"Hi, dad."

"Mima… I mean, Relena… I…." The man stuttered.

She could clearly hear his struggle and she cut in before things became even more awkward. "Mima is fine. I'm still the same person I was a year ago."

"Yes, of course." Harry replied softly, unconvinced. "Is anything the matter?"

"No, uh." She paused, suddenly finding herself struggling with her words as well. "I don't think I will be able to return to work. After all that has happened, I'm sure you understand why."

When he remained silent, she continued, "I'll stay for another week or two for you to find someone." He still didn't respond and she thought she may be stirring up more trouble for the restaurant than she anticipated. The recent shortage of labor may prevent them from finding a replacement any time soon.

"Or if it takes longer, I wouldn't mind staying until someone is found to fill my position. I could even help with the hiring and ask around if there's anybody…"

"Mima, I'm not concerned about that." He interrupted. "I'm concerned about you. All these years, it felt as if you were a second daughter to me and I'd hate to see you go."

Relena stopped herself before protesting and tried to think of a way to be diplomatic about the situation. Before she had a chance to respond, Harry broke the pregnant pause and said, "You don't need to come back here, Mima. Consider tonight your last shift. We'll handle it."

"Are you sure?"

"This will probably be the only decision that I made right by you." He concluded with a few encouraging words, bid farewell and hung up. It was probably one of the few moments where Harry showed genuine remorse and affection.

Relena placed the handle back on the receiver and as she was just about to head into her bedroom, the ringing phone resonated through the apartment walls and she ran to pick it up again.

"Dad, I'm glad you called back. There was something I wanted to…"

It wasn't Harry. A raspy voice flowed through her earpiece and whispered, "soon, soon."


Days passed and the frightening phone call still had her shaken. It couldn't have been a coincidence with all the strange calls and messages that were left on her machine. Now she not only had her past to abandon but she was hoping that the unknown threat against her would be left behind as well. Relena already began preparations to leave by informing the landlord that she was moving, cancelling all her major bills in the apartment, and donating furniture to charities and shelters that she obviously wasn't going to bring with her.

Half of her bookshelf was already cleared away and as she worked her way through the other half, she found the novel that Connor bought for her. The memory only stirred unpleasant emotions from the day before when she had to break up with him. If she wanted a clean slate, she had to leave all ties behind and that included the brief relationship that they had.

"Why this sudden change? Why are you even leaving? I don't understand any of it." Connor sounded like a petulant child.

"I need to do this for myself. It has nothing to do with you." She explained softly. "All my life there has been a void that I couldn't fill and I believe the only way to feel whole again is to start over – no strings, no connections."

When they parted company, he wouldn't even look her in the eye. He quickly grabbed his jacket and left the coffee shop without turning back. That was probably the last time she would ever see Connor Striker.

Relena mentally brushed away the scene from yesterday and put the novel on her empty coffee table and decided to keep it. She thought it was too bad that she wasn't as dedicated to their relationship as he was. For obvious reasons she knew Connor wasn't the right man for her. Sure, he was attentive and caring but she didn't feel that spark with him as she did with a certain Gundam pilot and she refused to trail her thoughts down that dangerous path.

She wouldn't forget how upset he seemed but to be fair, they weren't together for that long and it was probably for the best to break it off sooner rather than later. It wouldn't be right for him to cling to false hopes when she knew nothing serious would come of their relationship.

A gentle rapping came from the door and Relena went to see if it was the moving company here to pick up the remaining furniture items. When she opened the door only a few inches wide, the person on the other side pushed open the wooden barrier, catching her by surprise and knocking her off balance. Relena tried standing up but the intruder straddled his entire weight over her and she couldn't move.

They were both struggling to get the upper hand with arms and legs flailing whichever way she could maneuver to get out from his grasp. The light from the hallway was seeping in and she began screaming for help, praying that someone passing by will hear her. She wasn't able to get much noise out of her lungs before a strong hand holding a strongly scented cloth to her mouth and nose. Chloroform.

From the fall, she was facing the tiled ground and didn't have the slightest opportunity to move. As the chemicals slowly worked its way into her brain she wished she could look at the eyes of her attacker and remember his face. Before turning her thoughts into action, her vision was soon engulfed in black.


Heero held on tightly to Relena's necklace as he contemplated everything that has been going on. It took him long days and nights to piece together all the events surrounding Relena's reappearance and Mima's involvement in the situation. He didn't want to believe that the person living in the Peacecraft Estate was not who they thought but the mounting evidence proved otherwise. They were all deceived and the worst of the tragedy was that the real Relena was right under their noses the entire time and he refused to see. He refused to see! Maybe he didn't want to see the truth for whatever reason that he couldn't fathom.

Her dove necklace seemed to be the only object to which she would sacrifice her very life for. Even with the memory loss she still felt such a strong attachment for its sentimental value. And her determination to search for her necklace on that terrible night would never escape his mind. Thinking about that very night boiled his blood with anger. Relena may not have survived if he didn't happen to walk down that street at that specific time; she would've suffered the worst crime imaginable to a woman.

The necklace was then retrieved by the imposter and the rest as the saying goes was history.

There were so many other signs: her abhorrence towards drinking alcohol, the supposed sesame seed fiasco when their Relena had no pre-existing allergies, Pagan's outrage when he learned the truth and when they didn't bother to listen. Why didn't they listen?

The blood test was ultimately the deciding factor and all logic was thrown aside when the results showed a positive match. They were too eager to believe. He was too eager to have Relena back and was therefore blinded by false appearances.

Thinking back on the night of the sesame seeds incident, he almost killed her. He remembered being incredibly irrational. As he recollected the harsh words and violence he used, he couldn't believe that was the same person as the Perfect Soldier who was trained to be calm and prepared to work through all circumstances. "Relena, how could I ever face you?" Heero asked the empty apartment. He had wronged her so terribly that it was eating him inside out. The sudden realization of how much he'd hurt her was too much to bear and he hungered for just one drop of alcohol to sooth his nerves. He quickly found his secret beer stash and nearly salivated from the hissing sound of the carbon bubbles escaping when he flipped open the tab. His right hand shook uncontrollably as it held the can. Before he had any second thoughts, he sprinted to the kitchen sink and poured the beer down the drain.

He was losing his mind. For once the Perfect Soldier was utterly out of control. He needed to find her not only to save her but to save himself. Heero knew he couldn't bear to live with himself if he didn't find Relena. He wanted to hold her and never let her go. The imposter would be dealt with later on but finding Relena was a must.

Heero threw the empty can into the recycle bin and dashed out the door.

"I'm coming, Relena. Wait for me."

TBC

Thank you for your continued support and your patience! ... theevilashleyness, Purdy, WindCloud, Marli8907, kar00, flipped, C, SerenityDeath, mishcka, animechick2487, YUIAyuNamieUtada, lilac310, jellybean-kitty, Amulak, Crazy Lady, Mysticjade, NoNameReviewer, Laserworm, EmpKaylenatye, lolo93, C - sorry it took me a while to update, blissful trinity, Archangel Rhapsody, Anivea, salimaran, Ria, Hellody, orangestory08.