Chapter 3: Past


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"I filled the doc in on everything that happened after they le… erm he thought there might have been something useful…" he trailed off. Poor Jacob, I could only imagine the amount of questions that Carlisle would have asked him.

"Hmmm" I groaned knowing that Carlisle was now fully aware of my zombie depression months… great.

"Bella, I don't judge, if that's what your worried about. I would never." Carlisle spoke softly as he walked over to take my hand. "Its so good to see you again. We've all been so worried." I smiled at him, Carlisle was nothing but sincere and I had really missed him. More than I realized. Without him the Cullen's wouldn't have existed, he was the soul of the family, the family I only ever wanted to join. I flicked through what he had just said again in my head, trying to build the courage to tell him the whole story - there were bits he wouldn't like, bits I'm more than ashamed of - when I suddenly heard the most important thing.

"When you say we've all, who do you mean?" Carlisle was one step ahead of me as usual. He knew exactly what I meant.

"We were in Canada visiting the Denali's. Apparently we had just missed Laurent." I gulped as flashbacks intruded on my thoughts. Carlisle's tone was angrier now "If I had known Bella, I swear we would have hunted him" I nodded, that wasn't his fault. Laurent had everyone fooled. "Well, Edward had departed from us from the moment we left Forks. He said he needed to be alone." I couldn't help but raise my eyebrow at that - alone with his distractions!- Carlisle ignored it and continued while Jacob threw himself mindlessly on the large now off-white love seat, a seat I had sat on many times. "He had agreed to meet us, Esme was worried sick about him and Alice kept having awful visions of him. We arrived there in the early hours of the morning, Edward arrived shortly after." Every time he spoke Edwards name I felt my heart flutter, was that even possible? Could a dead heart beat? Yet, it wasn't long before the pain took its place and I felt it freeze still. "We tried to speak to him, but Bella…" this caught my attention it wasn't often Carlisle was stuck for words. That meant it was bad.

"Was he okay?" my other hand flew up to hold Carlisle's. "Is he okay?"

"Yes technically he's okay. Leaving you changed him, he was a mess but it was expected. Esme and I decided to talk him round to coming back to you." In a much softer tone he whispered "He never wanted to leave you Bella and doing it was destroying him" Jacob huffed but I couldn't take my eyes off of Carlisle. If this was true… I felt hope seeping in.

"Our plan was working it seemed, well more that he was nearly decided to come back long before we met back up with him, he was just looking for a reason." I bit my lower lip, he was coming back to me? Although I didn't need to breath, when I couldn't it was more than uncomfortable. Carlisle took a long deep breath before dropping his eyes and walking away from me towards where most of the papers he'd hit earlier had landed. Bending down and picking up a wrinkled piece of paper he sighed. "It was around 4 am when Tanya finally arrived at the house. It would seem she had befriended one of the local police men and was enjoying her night toying with his emotions. You must remember Bella, Tanya had a little crush on Edward and so when she heard that he had chosen a human over her, well it stung and I guess your name was burned into her memory… She brought this back with her." He handed me the wrinkled paper.

It was my missing persons poster, I assumed she got it from the police department wall as there were holes in all four corners. My photograph was large, placed in the middle of the poster above it read 'Isabella Marie Swan' in large bold capital letters. Beneath was a brief description, the date I went missing - or to be correct, when I was changed - and multiple numbers. I recognized four of them: my house, Charlie's cell, the police department and finally Jacob Blacks house.

"At first we thought it was a cruel joke. Edward had torn into Tanya after Alice admitted to seeing no visions of you. Jealousy, we assumed it was jealousy." He took another deep breath and it was clear he had a guilty conscience.

"Carlisle, its not your fault. Any of you. Its mine and my stupid danger magnets way. I don't… its not your fault." I repeated hoping he'd believe me.

"You always were far too kind to us Bella but we brought them to you, we should have protected you." I shook my head at him but he raised a hand before I could argue it further.

A moment passed and then he continued. "It was actually Rose that figured it out. She had stayed quiet through out the whole confrontation, which wasn't like her at all. After Tanya had left, Rose was the first to speak. 'Edward, I'm a… well I'm sure you could be more inventive with words than the one I would use. You know how I feel about you and Bella but Edward I wouldn't even do what you've accused Tanya of.'" His impersonation was spot on, almost as if it was Rosalie herself standing here talking.

"I bet I could think of better words" Jacob slung from the corner under his breath, both Carlisle and I shot him a disapproving look and he shot a wide toothy Jake grin right back. I had missed that and so I couldn't help but smile back at him.

"Then what?"

"Well we all new she was right even Edward. His glare turned into an anxious one as he grabbed his phone from the table top and dialed your home line. It was only seconds later we had our answer…" he trailed off again. "Bella, please you must know not a day has passed that we haven't been looking for you. Even now. Edward is down in Miami, we got a call about a girl that would match the description of thirty eight year old you. He flew out immediately but I haven't heard from him."

I was stunned, he was looking for me, even after all this time. Jacob stood up now and walked towards us.

"Now its your turn, where the hell have you been Bells?" Was it possible that Jacob had grown even taller since I had last seen him. It must have easily been hitting seven foot two now. I tried to organize my thoughts before I began, figuring the best place would be the day I jumped.

"Remember you promised to take me cliff diving" I said nonchalant knowing Carlisle was not going to approve.

"He did what?" I rushed to continue before he could scold him.

"Well, you were busy and I was bored. It didn't look that rough and well… I needed something to take my mind off of everything. I couldn't ride the motorbikes, they were at yours and so I figured that was the best plan." I stared at Jacob as I spoke knowing that Carlisle would certainly disapprove of everything I just said.

"Bella Swan" he started from behind me in a low irritated whisper and I couldn't help but smile.

"So you what? Jumped? Hoped for the best?" Jacobs irritated tone became more present as he spoke until it finally turned into a shout. "ARE YOU INSANE?" I smiled sheepishly before continuing.

"Okay, so here's the thing, I jumped yes it was stupid, yes I know that now and no, if I was human I wouldn't do it again. Okay everyone happy now?" I asked sarcastically as I looked at both pairs of furious eyes. "Well, Victoria found me and technically saved me from drowning so she's not all bad" I tried to make a joke out of it. It didn't work. "Right, erm. So she said that knowing this was the last thing Edward wanted for me, she turned me, she called it perfect revenge. But don't ask me where she is, she didn't stick around. So I took off. Wolves plus new born… not a good combo" The furious eyes watched my every move and it seemed they grew even more angry.

"Bella" Jacob began "You thought I would what? Hunt you? Kill you?" Although his voice was low and quiet it was more than evident that there was very little control left. I wanted to be truthful but I was worried. I didn't want to hurt him, he didn't deserve that.

"No, I didn't know my own… abilities" I looked at Carlisle to save me.

"New borns are very different to us Jacob" he gestured to himself "They have no control and are purely driven by the blood lust" Jacob nodded understanding.

"Have you?" Jacob asked but couldn't finish, I knew what he was getting at though. Carlisle stared at me now… obviously he had been wondering about the same thing.

"No" I spoke softly. Carlisle wouldn't approve of what I was about to say. "I nearly did, that first day was hard. I began making my way across America towards Italy." Carlisle's eyebrows shot up and Jacobs expression became more confused.

"What's in Italy?" he spoke looking back and forth between me and Carlisle.

"The Volturi" I answered not looking at Carlisle but I heard him gasp as he concluded what I had planned. "You could call them vampire royalty. I didn't know much about them, only what I had been told." I stopped and looked at Carlisle knowing his face wasn't going to be easy to take in.

"Okay… Royal bloodsuckers… so what?" Jake still looked completely lost.

"You don't provoke the Volturi in less you want to die" I said as clearly as I could, mimicking Edwards calmness that he had used while telling me. Jacobs face dropped into one of horror as he took in what I meant. "Lets say a lot happened, I changed my mind, I've been traveling keeping a low profile, I checked in on Charlie a few times. I knew he was looking but I didn't know about the rest I swear. I would have come sooner if I did." Carlisle nodded but what I had told Jacob seemed to have hit him hard. He didn't say anything before turning and heading for the door.

"Where you going Jake?" I asked before he managed to escape. He stopped, keeping his back to me.

"I … I need to…erm… check in… I'll be… back." And then he was gone.

"So now what?"

"I should really try to get hold of Edward and the others" he pulled a small cell from his pocket and began dialing. When Edward didn't answer on the first ring, I grabbed his phone and hung up. "Bella what are you doing?"

"I … I cant Carlisle. Its just… I have to go." There was simply too much hope, too much hope he would want me, still need me. He had left me. I couldn't expect that he would want to be with me after all this time, it was clear he was only looking for me because of his guilty conscious and I couldn't live through him leaving me again. I needed to let him go.

"What does that mean?" Carlisle's expression was full of confusion and I couldn't blame him for that.

"Tell them I'm fine, tell them…" - I have to let him go, I kept repeating to myself - "not too worry. Tell him… tell him not to look for me. His conscious is clear. I'm fine and I don't hate him." It felt like dieing all over again.

"Bella, I think there's some kind of confus…" I didn't let him finish.

"Tell him Goodbye"