Bann Teagan asked them to meet him near the mill at midday. Which left several hours for them to join in the celebration of their victory. It was a rather sad party, to say the least. And after more than a day without sleep, Kaei was beyond uninterested. After a while, the compliments were more irritating than pleasant, so she retreated to the shade of a tree. She sat back and leaned against a fence in the shady spot and promptly fell asleep. Even better, she was too tired to dream.
It felt as if she'd just closed her eyes when she woke. She found she was no longer sitting up, but instead sprawled out of her back, covered by a blanket with her head cradled. It didn't feel much like a lump of blankets though. She opened her eyes to discover her head was in Alistair's lap. He was still asleep, his head leaning back against the fence where she'd first sat. His hand supported the back of her head, his fingers woven into her hair.
Even with only a little bit of sleep, the world looked very different than it had before. She reached up and touched Alistair's hand and instinctively he wove his fingers through hers. Sleepily, his eyes opened, and he looked down at her. A slow smile spread across his face. The look in his eyes; he certainly wasn't looking at a curious oddity, or even at an elf. That expression was only one for . . . a friend.
"Feeling better?" he asked.
"Yes," Kaei replied. She knew she should sit up, but this was the most comfortable place she'd been in a while, and she was loathe to move. "Sorry if I seemed stupid before."
"Well, I'll forgive you," he said, "Especially since I've been so stupid myself in recent history." Kaei chuckled and reluctantly sat up. The courtyard was deserted. She expected to at least see Morrigan or Leliana lurking nearby, but they were nowhere to be seen.
"Where is everybody?" Kaei asked.
"Sleeping, I'd wager," Alistair said. "Which means this is a good a time as any to talk."
Kaei gave him a puzzled look. "Aren't we talking right now?"
"Yes, but I need to tell you something, something I should have told you earlier . . . but I . . . well, I need to tell you before we go to the castle," Alistair stuttered.
"What about?" Kaei asked. "You look nervous."
"Well I . . well, I just wish it didn't matter," he said.
"I'm not going to like this, am I?" Kaei said.
"I don't know. Probably not, I know I've never liked it," he said. "I told you all about how my mother was a servant at Redcliffe castle and how the Arl raised me right?"
"You did," Kaei nodded.
"And you were nice enough not to ask if I knew who my father was," Alistair continued. "Which made it so I didn't have to lie."
"I didn't think it was any of my business," Kaei said. "But, why would you lie about it?"
"Well, you see . . . the Arl is a good man, but he didn't raise me because he is a good man. He did that, because, well . . . my father was . . . King Maric, which made Cailan my half-brother, I suppose," Alistair said.
"What?!" Kaei shouted, entirely louder than she intended. Shocked at herself, she lowered her voice. "Doesn't that make you heir to the throne?"
"Let's hope not," Alistair replied. "I don't want it; I've never wanted it. Besides, I'm the son of a commoner, and a Gray Warden to boot."
"Why didn't you tell me earlier?" Kaei asked.
"How do you just come out and say that? Oh, by the way the King had a dalliance with a servant girl and viola, here I am. . . and well, it's always been a secret. I was a threat to Cailan's rule and it was made very clear to me a long time ago that there was no room for me to be raising a rebellion or any such nonesence. I'm not used to telling people who didn't already know." he said. "Besides, I think I liked you not knowing."
"Why? What happens when people find out?"
"Suddenly I'm The Bastard Prince to them, not just Alistair. I just . . . well, I guess I just wanted you to like me for who I am," he said, looking at his hands.
"I do like you Alistair," she said. "It doesn't matter who your parents were; not to me anyway."
Alistair looked back up at her and smiled sadly. "Good, then we can just go on thinking I'm just a nobody who was too lucky to get killed at Ostagar."
"You don't really think that do you?" she asked.
"Well, no. I think I was lucky enough to survive with you," he said, reaching his hand out. He held it palm up, waiting. Slowly, Kaei raised her hand and set it in his. His fingers curled around hers and he closed his eyes for a moment.
"We're both lucky," she said finally, squeezing back. Alistair's eyes were fixed on their hands. Slowly he looked up at her.
"You know," he said. "This was the last thing I expected."
Kaei smiled, a little crooked grin that was more in her eyes than on her lips. Gingerly, Alistair reached out with his other hand and tucked a stray lock of her hair behind her ear. Far more delicately than she expected from his large calloused hands, he traced the lines of the knotted tattoo on her forehead. He cocked his head to the side.
"What do these mean?" he asked softly.
"It is called blood writing," Kaei replied, nearly entranced by his slowly moving finger. "We take them when we become adults, to honor our patron god or goddess. And to let the world know that we will not forsake our faith, or our ways."
"And which god is yours?" he asked softly. "If you can tell me."
Kaei smiled. "It's not a secret. These symbols are of Andruil, Goddess of the Hunt. Although all hunters honor her, not many take her symbol. She is a . . . difficult goddess to understand."
"Why is that?" he asked.
"She is as much about strength as she is about weakness," Kaei tried to explain. "It is hard to say without poetry. I just remember hearing the Charge of Andruil as a child, and knowing who she was. And who I was, I guess."
"I think I'd like to hear it," Alistair said softly.
"I didn't expect you to be the poetry type," Kaei chuckled.
He grinned. "I have my moments."
"You asked for it," Kaei replied. "Don't say I didn't warn you. And no fidgeting, or I'll get all offended and make you crazy for days." Alistair gave her a strange look, but then nodded. Rather solemnly, Kaei thought. He stopped his tracing on her face and somewhat reluctantly let go of her hand.
"It's been a while, but I always remember it," she began. She cleared her throat, and looked down for a moment. Taking a deep breath, she spoke.
"Hear me, sons and daughters of the People
I am Sister of the Moon, Mother of Hares,
Lady of the Hunt: Andruil.
Remember my teachings,
Remember the Vir Tanadhal:
The Way of Three Trees
That I have given you.
Vir Assan: the Way of the Arrow
Be swift and silent;
Strike true, do not waver
And let not your prey suffer.
That is my Way.
Vir Bor'assan: the Way of the Bow
As the sapling bends, so must you.
In yielding, find resilience;
In pliancy, find strength.
That is my Way.
Vir Adahlen: the Way of the Wood
Receive the gifts of the hunt with mindfulness.
Respect the sacrifice of my children
Know that your passing shall nourish them in turn.
That is my Way.
Remember the Ways of the Hunter
And I shall be with you."
Kaei fell silent. She almost expected Alistair to make one of his now nearly infamous snappy comments, but he seemed to be pondering the words very seriously.
"In yielding, find resilience; In pliancy, find strength," he said, repeating her words, even carefully repeating her inflection. "I think I understand. And maybe, I understand you a little more."
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"Well, all of this, becoming a Gray Warden, the fighting, trying to save a world of men that doesn't respect your people as they should," he said. "I sometimes wondered how you didn't crack under it all. I wondered why you were so motivated to do what is right."
"It's part of it," Kaei said. "But the rest will have to wait for a better time."
"Why is that?" Alistair said.
"Like you told me on the first day we met; don't think about it, it'll just distract you," she said, hiding her sudden sinking feeling with a forced smile.
He grinned. "Fair enough. Off we go then."
The tunnel to the castle was a damp, closed in tomb that made Kaei want to jump out of her skin. But finding the mage in the cell just beyond was somehow even worse. If she'd let him, despite his gentle nature, Alistair would have summarily executed Jowan right there. It was his inevitable end, she was sure of that, but she couldn't let him go to his grave with so much guilt. She saw reflected in Jowan's eyes all the guilt she was holding inside. Stupid mistakes, bad turns on a path that seemed like the right direction at the time.
She left him in the cell however, when he refused to accompany her. Morrigan looked annoyed, but didn't say anything further. This blood magic, it seemed like a terribly bad thing to just let loose. So she left him there and continued on.
After slaying the few creeping things they ran across and sending one very frightened maid back down the tunnel to the mill, they arrived at the audience chamber where the seemingly reserved and proud Bann Teagan was rolling on the floor for the amusements of a child. A child who waves of evil poured off of like a putrid stench.
An abomination. Possessed by a demon.
Everything in Kaei's being wanted to slay that thing before it could speak. And speak it did, with a voice that no child's mouth should ever have been able to produce. But then, for a split second, the child himself spoke. True fear glimmered in his eyes and Kaei realized this was only a child. True, it was a child that had made a deal with the demon, but he'd only done so to try to save his father's life. A mistake, for certain, but not the sort she could see no coming back from. She would not take another innocent life.
Teagan dragged the mage from the dungeon. A mage who probably could have set the hall ablaze and saved himself; a mage who had escaped from the Templars but walked behind Teagan with his head hung in shame.
"Please, I just want a chance to make things right," Jowan pleaded. "I have made so many mistakes, and I don't want to die without getting the chance to repair some of the damage I've done."
Blood mage. Apostate and maleficarum.
Now standing before Bann Teagan and Lady Isolde with tears in his eyes. Kaei was so surprised to hear him not beg for mercy for himself, only for the chance to make things right. She could see reflected in Jowan's eyes the same thing that had driven her thus far. But the idea that he would use Isolde's life to enter the fade . . . as he said himself, it wasn't much of a choice. Despite a lifetime's worth of dark looks from Morrigan, Kaei decided to take the longer path, the harder path. She would go to the Circle of Magi and find mages to enter the Fade. And then, well, and then they'd see. She could only pray to the creators that Jowan and Teagan would be able to keep Connor in check until they returned.
They left Redcliffe as night fell. As tired as she was, she wanted to get some distance between Redcliffe and where she was going to sleep. There was something nightmarish about staying in that place after dark. She managed to keep them all on their feet for longer than she expected. Finally, it was Sten that stopped her.
"Warden," he snapped. "There is no sense in walking until you fall asleep on your feet." Kaei stumbled to a halt and Alistair who was right behind her crashed into her since he was, as Sten noted, asleep on his feet.
"Sorry," he said, his head snapping up and looking sheepish as if he'd been caught napping during a prayer meeting.
"All right troops," Kaei said. "Let's make camp before we all die of exhaustion."
Kaei was ready to thank the creators for Morrigan. Although she usually let them light a fire in the conventionally way, tonight when Morrigan spotted a rotten stump in the center of the clearing they'd chosen and she set it ablaze with a flick of her slender wrist. . They all completely discarded the idea of tents and they laid their bed rolls in a circle around the fire. Even Morrigan didn't bother with the normal distance she kept between herself and the others. Kaei laid her bedroll on the ground and before she managed to sit, Alistair laid his right next to hers. No respectable distance this time. He flopped down on his back, and looked up at her. She raised an eyebrow at him.
"You don't mind, do you?" he asked sleepily.
Kaei smiled as she sat down. "Of course not. But I need to talk to you tomorrow, once we've gotten some real sleep. About . . . this."
Alistair looked equally puzzled and worried for a moment, but then his exhaustion overtook him. He nodded as his eyes slid closed. Kaei shook her head, looking down at him. He might be a man, although younger than she he would still have been an adult by her clan's reckoning. But when he lay there, sleep erasing the lines between his brows and loosening the tension of his lips, he looked so beautiful and so sodding innocent. But beautiful or not, she had to tell him.
Kaei might have only known love with Tamlen before, but she recognized the look in Alistair's eyes when he looked at her. She couldn't let him fall in love with her. Not when it would break his heart to know the truth of who she really was, what she'd done.
It had to be done now, before it was too late.
She glanced up over her shoulder to find Leliana staring at her. She wasn't sure how to read Leliana's expression and was frankly too tired to care. She laid down, turning her back to Alistair. She was so exhausted, that she felt herself drifting off as soon as she closed her eyes. Just as sleep overtook her, she felt the distinct sensation of Alistair draping his arm around her waist and burying his face in her hair.
