Dawn was gray and dismal. Despite the uninspiring break of day, Kaei drove them hard. They had to reach the tower and return as soon as their feet would allow. She kept seeing the mockery of joy on Teagan's face enthralled by the demon's spell, hearing the eerie echo of the demon's voice on Connor's lips and knew that speed was of the essence. But, despite her near panic, the others soon gave up on trying to keep up with her. It was if they figured if they slowed, they could meet her on her way back with mages in tow.

Only Laethie walked with her. He had no trouble with her pace. He loped along beside her, the tiny stub of his tail wagging. Alistair seemed to make it point to not be anywhere alone with her, because that meant she would talk to him. Although she'd woken in a tangle of his limbs, slightly sore from the awkward position and entirely too warm for her liking, she couldn't help but feel a sharp pain when she thought of it. She'd unwound herself from him and left him sleeping, afraid to meet his eyes. It was a strange thing, to find herself in his arms when she woke, when she hadn't even mustered up to courage to kiss him, despite a powerful desire to do so. And now that chance was about to disappear. Kaei felt suspiciously like she'd tried to eat a rock and it was stuck in her throat.

As midday disappeared into afternoon, the gray sky opened up in a torrent of rain. If Kaei could have kept them going, slogging through the mud, she would have. But when the first crack of lightning lit up the sky, she knew she was defeated. By nature herself; the creators had a perverse sense of humor. Fleeing under an overhang on rocks along the lakeshore, they huddled within and tried to rest and wait out the storm.

Kaei caught Alistair's eyes as he tried to warm his hands over the tiny sputtering fire that even Morrigan's magic was having a hard time keeping lit. The endless drone of rain on stone and on the lake itself was loud. Only a few paces from the others, and they wouldn't be overheard. It was as if the gods themselves were forcing her to keep her word to herself. It was time to tell him the truth. Kaei gave Alistair a sad smile. He read her look, as he was getting so blasted good at doing and walked over to her.

"We need to talk," she said softly, lacing her hand into the crook of his elbow with the frightening awareness that this was likely the last time he would ever allow it. With the slightest pressure on his arm, he followed. Kaei looked over her shoulder to see Leliana giving her that same strange look. It was almost as if Leliana knew without Kaei ever speaking a word. It was unnerving, that look. Granted, Kaei's nerves were already nearly beyond repair.

Once they were sufficiently far enough away that the others wouldn't be able to hear them over the drumbeat of the rain, Kaei found a flat stone and unceremoniously flopped down. Alistair sat beside her, close enough for Kaei to feel the heat of his body, even through his armor, but not touching her. Not quite.

"You look like there's a demon, right here, right now," Alistair said. "You're scaring me."

"I don't know if fear will be the right reaction to this, but it's a possibility," she said quietly. "I don't even know how to begin."

"At the beginning?" Alistair suggested.

"Fair enough," she replied. She took a shaky breath. "You need to know what happened; how I became a Gray Warden."

"You told me that already," he said. "The mirror and the taint. And Tamlen, who I get the feeling was more than just another hunter."

"True," she continued, slightly intrigued by his insight. Alistair was far wiser than he let on. "But there is more."

"Go on," he said.

"That day I was supposed to be helping Master Varathorn. He was a craftsman from another clan spending time with us to help us build bows and such. I was to help him gather shed halla horns, since I've always had a way with them. But instead, I snuck out into the forest to follow Tamlen. I did that often enough. You see, Tamlen and I . . . well, we'd planned on being bonded, married, once he'd seen twenty summers and was an adult. It was only a month away," she explained. "But there was more than just wolves in the forest that day. We didn't just stumble into those ruins. We were shown the way, so to speak.

"Three human men had found the ruins first; treasure hunters it seemed. We cornered them in the forest and made them tell us what they'd found. Tamlen got this look in his eyes; he had a terrible curiosity for history. And a strong desire to do something important. He would have made a better Gray Warden than I, I think. But that's another tale. Once we'd gotten what information we could from the humans. . . we . . . ," Kaei stumbled over her words.

Alistair reached out and tried to take her hand. She snatched her hands away like he might burn her. A hurt expression flickered into Alistair's eyes.

"Don't," Kaei said. "I have to finish." He nodded, his eyes dark.

"We had our bows trained on them from the moment they appeared. And all I could think of was if we let them go, they'd tell the nearest village where we were. And instead of three inept humans stumbling through the woods, we'd have a mob come to chase us off. Hunters or even children might die. They might take some of the women and rape them . . . this is what I'd been taught that humans did. My own father was slaughtered in the forest when he lay with my mother. A horde of angry humans and civilized elves cut him down in front of my mother. She never recovered and disappeared into the forest before I was even old enough to remember her. How could I just let them go?"

"I ignored the fact that they were unarmed, unarmored. Not bandits, like killed my father. Not even smart enough to run. But all I could see was death. And so, I let loose my arrow. And so did Tamlen."

"We killed them. We killed them for being human, and it was their only crime."

Kaei stopped and fought against the tears that were threatening to come. Hunters didn't cry. Gray Wardens didn't cry. And she wasn't going to cry now.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner," Kaei said, when he said nothing. She looked up at him, but he was staring out over the water with a strange blank look. "I shouldn't have let you think I was something I'm not. I know what I did was wrong and everything I've done since is to try to atone for what I did. But I know it won't ever be enough. Not even if I stop the Blight.

"Tamlen died because I led him into those ruins. Those men died because of my arrows. My hands are stained with innocent blood. And . . . and I won't blame you if you hate me."

Alistair stood and took a few steps away from her, still looking out over the water. He turned to look at her for a moment, but couldn't meet her eyes. He swallowed, hard. He stood there, still as a statue, backlit as a bolt of lightning lit up the sky. It looked for a moment as if he might say something. Even a declaration of hatred, disappointment, something would be better than this lengthening silence. But then, without a word, he turned and walked away.

Kaei buried her face in her hands. It was done then. But all she could think of was how it felt just the night before when she slept sheltered in Alistair's arms.


The rain finally let up and the sky cleared. Tiny stars poked out between the fading clouds like crystals in a bed of slate. Kaei shivered. She'd refused to rejoin the others, even when the cold settled in and stole her breath. She sat and stared out over the black glass of the lake.

"Can I join you?" a soft female voice said from the darkness. Kaei's head snapped up as Leliana appeared out of the shadows. She wore a cloak and had another draped over her arm. Afraid that if she spoke her voice would sound as broken as she felt, Kaei nodded silently. Leliana set the other cloak across Kaei's shoulders and sat beside her. Kaei wrapped it around her, wondering who's it was, since she didn't have anything like this. The cloak had a familiar musty smell that she couldn't quite place.

"I don't know what you said to him," Leliana said faintly. "But whatever it was has shaken him."

Kaei snorted.

"I can only guess what it is, but, I think I have some idea," Leliana continued. "And before you ask, he said nothing and we could not hear you. But I recognize the look in your eyes."

Kaei looked up at her, but still not trusting her voice, she just gave Leliana a questioning look.

"I have secrets, too," Leliana said. "And secrets are . . . dangerous."

"They are," Kaei managed to whisper.

"I know you do not believe in the Maker, but it doesn't matter. In the Maker's eyes we are all worthy of forgiveness, no matter what our sins. And I have sinned, Kaei. Quite likely more than you. Yet I found peace and forgiveness in the Maker and Andraste his bride. Are your gods so unwilling to forgive?" Leliana asked.

"No," Kaei said, trying to keep her voice level. "But people are not gods. They can't always forgive."

"I suppose that is true; people are more difficult to understand than a god is. But we have all made mistakes, small, big and sometimes so large they threaten to take everything away from us. I know this," Leliana said. "But before we can find any forgiveness, from gods or from others, we must first forgive ourselves."

"I can't," Kaei said in a small choked voice.

"You can," Leliana replied. "No matter what you've done, I know you have also done much good. And I know you will do more good in the days to come. I see it in you, the same thing that drives me to do good. It's not just to absolve yourself of what you've done. It may feel that way, but that alone is not enough to keep going. Only if your heart is good can you do good, and make the right choices."

Kaei snorted. "I'm not sure I believe that."

"I know it is hard to believe, especially now," Leliana said. "But it is true whether you believe it or not."

"Leliana," Kaei said, looking up at her. "I killed three men, three human men. Just for being human."

"Ah," Leliana sighed. "We are all killers, Kaei. All of us have done so."

"But for so little reason? Just out of fear of what they might do?" Kaei whimpered.

"I . . . I am not ready to tell my own tale, not yet. But I will tell you, I have far more blood on my hands than you, my friend. And if I could find peace and the strength to forgive myself, weak as I am, I know you can as well," Leliana said.

"You aren't weak," Kaei replied.

"Nor are you, and neither is Alistair," Leliana said, setting her hand gently on Kaei knee. "I see the way he looks at you. And what you told him, it did hurt him, but it did not kill what he feels for you. If it had, he wouldn't look quite so much like a broken toy soldier. He would be angry. He is not angry, only sad."

Kaei leaned forward, cradling her forehead in her hand. She had a sudden vivid memory of Alistair's fingers tracing the delicate lines of her tattoo. It was more than she could bear. A tiny sob slipped through her control.

"You love him, don't you?" Leliana asked.

"I . . . I don't know," Kaei moaned.

"I think you do," Leliana replied. "And if you can, then you have already begun to forgive yourself. Perhaps your heart is a faster learner than your mind."

Kaei looked at her incredulously. "What do you mean?"

"Perhaps you haven't noticed, but Alistair is human," Leliana chuckled.

Kaei laughed unexpectedly, although her tears still threatened. "I do seem to recall that." Leliana smiled broadly, her white teeth shining in the pale star light. She put her arm around Kaei's shoulders and squeezed.

"As am I," Leliana said. "Human that is. Sometimes we say that to make a mistake is only human but it applies to us all, no?"

"I suppose it does," Kaei said.

Leliana smiled again. "Come now, back to the fire before you catch your death. It would not do for a mighty Gray Warden to die of plague, instead of fighting darkspawn. It would make for a rather boring story, at the least."

"You have a point," Kaei chuckled.

"Besides, since you neglected to bring a cloak, you will need to get to the fire so you can return this to its original owner," Leliana said, tugging at the heavy fabric across Kaei's shoulders.

"Hm?" Kaei asked, wordlessly.

"It's Alistair's," Leliana said, still grinning. "He was worried you might be cold."