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CHAPTER 8: BUTTERFLIES
We watched silently as Alice flicked through her visions to see exactly where Emmett was. Before, Alice would have been cautious because of what she may see but now - knowing that Rosalie was in Florida by herself - she was clear that Emmett would be doing something she wouldn't have to shield her eyes from.
"Anything?" I whispered, not wanting to interrupt but also being far too impatient to watch through Edwards gift. How did he do it? It almost made me feel sea sick which of course led my mind to wonder if as a vampire that was possible or was it all in my mind. And of course that lead to the next lot of questions. A never ending cycle of what ifs.
"There he is!" she exclaimed happily but her smile suddenly vanished. I took a deep breath hoping that by some chance it wasn't possible to throw up and looked for the answer.
It was just Emmett. Sitting there alone. Television off. Silent. I couldn't believe my eyes. He looked so… so broken. Through the back windows I could clearly see the golden gate bridge which meant he was in San Francisco.
"Lets go" Edward murmured as I felt him flinch from Emmett's lost expression.
***
Time passed steadily but it felt like it was taking ages. It reminded me of the time when Edward left to hunt James and sent me off with Alice and Jasper. I remember that car journey being the longest hours of my life, knowing that the further we got, the further away from him I was. Edward held my hand as we ran and I couldn't help but feel thankful to have him back. That hole was finally gone… but there was something now in place of it. Butterflies. At first I has assumed they were good ones, ones that let me know that my happiness had returned but they only seemed to get thicker with each passing moment. Angier. I realized now, as we ran and I watched him that they were the ones telling me to be angry. To run again. The ones telling me this would only lead to bad things.
Could I trust him again? Would I allow myself to?
"You okay Bella?" Alice said as she watched me intently, I hadn't realized. I was far too involved in my own thoughts.
"Hmmm" I answered nodding slightly. This had caught Edwards attention even though he didn't turn to look at me. I felt him stiffen and although I was starring ahead now I could almost feel the conversation going on between them as he ever so slightly looked up to the sky, slightly lifting his head. The silent one.
I knew it was wrong but if they were talking about me I deserved to know. I warred with myself before finally giving in and taking a peek.
"… mad at you?" Alice seemed cautious, she had no idea I was intruding and I had no intention on letting them know. I sighed, was I really that obvious. I squeezed his hand and stepped closer to him as we jumped over another fallen tree. He lifted his hand to smooth his hair. Another yes.
"Has she said why?" rubbing his hand across his face now. A clear No.
"Does she trust you?" I could hear the stammer in Alice's thoughts and knew exactly why. She was hitting it perfectly and she knew it.
Edward turned and looked down at me, I pretended to not notice as I watched the trees we were gliding in between. His eyes shut for a mere moment and his expression was full of torment. That nearly broke me right there. This time not even trying to hide it he shook a 'No' and sighed, turning back towards the trees.
"Edward… give her time… you broke her. You know she loves you" she spoke clearly as if trying to cheer him. He shot a look directly at her and his raised eyebrows screamed 'do I?'
The rain had begun to fall then, I used it as a conversational tool. Although we ran in silence and it was comfortable, that last look had been too blatant to miss, even if I had been human I would have seen it.
"Damn, thought we had till nightfall?" I asked Alice pretending to care.
"Around you Bella, nothing is certain. You block me and it messes with my head. She laughed care free. Edward stayed quiet.
"You okay up there?" I laughed looking up at him. It was amazing to me that I could feel so powerful and unstoppable and yet next to Edward I still felt tiny with no power. Just his mere height as we stood so close seemed to shock me. It didn't seem right that someone as small as myself could contain all the power I did.
His expression was tight as he smiled back at me, yet it didn't meet his eyes. A clear sign he wasn't. He squeezed my hand. "Anxious" he lied. "I didn't like that vision of Emmett." He dropped his eyes from me then and I turned to look at Alice. She was watching the two of us, her expression one of worry and pain. I peeked again. I knew he was listening even if he wasn't meant to at this particular time.
"hmmm… that's not good. Don't lie to her Edward. You need to tell her, you need to work on it to build it again before its too late." He sighed and I knew that he was thinking that same thing as me. Maybe its already too late. "Maybe I should separate, give you both some space. Meet you there." But the truth was I needed time. I needed to think and so before Alice could mention it aloud. I stopped and stood still, gently letting Edwards hand pull from mine. They both stopped and stared at me. I took a deep breath.
"I cant do this" I let out. Of course they took it differently than I meant it immediately. Both of their faces flashed in horror and sadness as they thought I was rejecting them. "I just…" I sighed. How to explain this? "Maybe I should just meet you there?"
"Why?" Alice spoke immediately. I looked at Edward as I watched that strange expression creep back in. He was lonely and broken. Just as broken as I was but he had brought it on himself.
"I just need… time" I looked from him to her and back to him again.
The rain was starting to pelt down now and I watched the rain drops running through his hair and down his perfect face that seemed so old and heartbroken. One droplet fell through his eyelashes and it actually looked as if he was crying. I flashed in front of him getting there before the drop had even reached his chin and with one finger I lightly wiped it away. It reminded me of his actions that first day I went to his, the day he played me the lullaby and my emotions were too strong to keep in check. His eyes grew as he realized what I was doing. I let my hand cup his cheek as I leant up to whisper in his ear.
"Don't worry, I'm not going anyway for long… I just need to think. I'll meet you there…" As I pulled back his hand came up to cup my face and he smiled a sad smile at me as he dropped his forehead to lean on mine. He gulped and I knew he thought he wouldn't see me again.
"I promise" I whispered as I pulled back. I told Alice where to meet and then I took off in a slightly different direction. This is what I needed. I needed space. I needed time. I wasn't ready to be crowded after all these years and listening didnt help. At all. If anything it made the whole thing worse. Now I knew... Suspecting and Knowing really did mean different things.
Finally the butterflies began to flutter away but what they left I didn't expect. The hole seemed to get larger as they lessened. Apparently I had a choice to make. Fearful untrusting butterflies or the nothing.
Crap.
You all didnt really think Edward was already off the hook, did you??????????????????????????
Its going to take a lot more than that for Bella to really forgive him and let him back in.
*Reviews make me smile... hint hint*
