Kaei was cold. Colder than she thought she might ever have been before.
Brother Genetivi's research had sent them into the southern Frostback Mountains, looking for a place called Haven. Kaei couldn't image how anywhere so cold could possibly have such a welcoming name. Even better, they couldn't find any such place on any map, not the most obscure that they found in the Wonders of Thedas back in Denerim. All they had to go on was a hastily drawn scrap of paper pulled from one of Genetivi's notes. And he was no map maker.
Kaei shivered a bit more, realizing that these were the southern and more temperate areas of the mountains. And didn't Alistair say that the entrance to Orzammar was in the northernmost part of the range? Kaei tried not to think about it too hard. Otherwise she was in danger of laying down in a drift of snow and giving up right here, right now.
Despite the heavy wool cloak Leliana had insisted she buy (which she was unbelievably grateful for, not that she'd admit it) the wind still tore through. Kaei had the sneaking feeling that if she unclenched her fingers from the fists they were in, they just might shatter into a thousand pieces. The sun was starting to dip down on the horizon and once it was gone, it was sure to get even colder. They had the good sense to make camp already, but fire or no fire, Kaei wasn't sure she was ever going to be warm again.
Everyone was miserable. Even Sten looked mildly annoyed. However, despite clearly freezing, Zevran's irrepressible sense of humor was working just fine. Kaei was fairly sure it was another sign of her impending mental breakdown, but she discovered that she found bantering with him undeniably amusing.
"By Andraste's bloody . . . ," Zevran stopped short of saying something that would have offended a pirate. "I'm beginning to think perhaps a nice grave in the lowlands would have been better than this."
Kaei grinned wickedly. "Do all assassin's have a death wish?"
"Only the good ones," Zevran laughed. "But I swear, if it was any colder, I might as well be a woman."
"What does . . Holy Maker," Leliana sighed. "I did not want to think about that."
Kaei laughed. At least laughing made her feel a little warmer.
"Don't encourage him," Leliana said, trying to look stern.
"Oh my dear Warden," Zevran said. "Encourage away."
"One would think that the cold would be enough to move the blood away from your nether regions," Kaei said.
Zevran winked. "I have this hot elven blood, surely you understand."
Kaei rolled her eyes. "Hot elven blood is it? Then why am I so sodding cold?"
"I could come over there and warm you," Zevran said. "Although I have a feeling if our other dear Warden returns from his brooding, he would be rather annoyed to come upon such a scene."
"Don't worry Zev," Kaei said. "I'd knock you out cold before you got close enough."
Grinning broadly, he replied, "That makes it somewhat more of an interesting challenge, don't you think?" The look on his face was positively wicked. "Oh, and you do realize, you just called me 'Zev' – does this means we are now friends?"
"Don't push your luck," Kaei said menacingly. She heard the crunching of snow under booted feet and Alistair reappeared. He'd gone off into the trees, what little trees there were up here anyway, to find firewood. And to sulk again. This time, Kaei was starting to get annoyed. But instead of looking pensive, Alistair was smiling. It looked a bit forced, but it was start.
"Ah Alistair," Zevran purred. "You look positively ravishing with your cheeks all red from the cold."
"Pardon me?" Alistair said, setting down his armload of wood next to the fire.
"Well, since I have tried and failed to find a bed warmer from amongst these lovely ladies, I thought perhaps I could convince you to let me into your bed," Zevran said, matter-of-fact.
Alistair looked confused. "Did I hit my head?"
"No," Leliana chuckled. "Zevran seems willing for . . any port in a storm."
"Maker's Breath," Alistair said. "I'd rather snuggle with Sten. Less dangerous."
Zevran burst out laughing. "That I just have to see."
"If it get's much colder, you might just get your wish," Alistair said grinning.
Sten made a strange growling sound. "I would not recommend that."
"Oh come on," Alistair joked. "Apparently, I'm just adorable."
Sten looked unimpressed.
Kaei realized she was grinning, and it was making her cheeks hurt. She shuddered and tried to move closer to the fire. Of course, it she got much closer, she realized she'd be inside of it. Alistair looked down at her with concern.
"Are you alright?" he asked.
"Sure," Kaei said, looking up at him from under her hood. "As long as I forget about my fingers. And toes. And various other frozen body parts, I'm fine."
"See, this is why we should all sleep together!" Zevran said happily. Alistair looked like he was going to strangle him.
Kaei wanted to say something witty, but gave up and shivered instead.
"What?" Zevran said. "It is a good idea, no?"
Night fell hard. They all retreated to their tents, and despite Zevran's insistence that they pair off, they went alone. Kaei wondered if he wasn't on to something as she shivered under her blankets. She wasn't going to die, but she wasn't sure she was going to able to sleep either. She pondered going out to the fire, to try to warm her hands again, but a gust of wind fluttered the canvas and she thought better of it. But try as hard as she might, sleep just wouldn't come.
She wanted to blame it on the cold. And certainly, it wasn't helping. But it was a poor excuse. Her mind was racing. This whole quest felt like spitting in the face of the creators. Her people had found and lost their homeland because of Andraste's faith. Of course, the Dales only existed at all because of her. Kaei wasn't sure how to reconcile that. She wished she'd paid more attention to the old tales. Maybe there'd be some wisdom there she was missing.
Kaei wasn't a particularly religious woman, but she was still Dalish. Or at least, she was Dalish. She really wasn't sure if they would ever accept her back now. She was almost grateful that the cold forbidding entrance to Orzammar was the logical next step instead of trying to find another Dalish clan. There was a human saying Leliana told her – you can't go home again – and Kaei was beginning to think that it was very much the truth.
She started to drift into a fitful sleep when she was woken by shouting. Suddenly alert, she flung back her blankets and sped out of her tent. The others seemed to have the same idea, and she was surrounded by worried faces. But the camp was empty except for her companions. And Alistair was conspicuously missing. She heard a muffled sound coming from his tent.
"Go back to sleep," Kaei said to the others. Leliana gave her a sad look, but it was offset by the displeased look Morrigan shot at her. Despite still being half dressed under her fur cloak, Morrigan didn't seem at all bothered by the cold. Clearly, her annoyance was at being shocked out of sleep by her very favorite person. Someone who was clearly having a nightmare, Kaei thought.
There was another strangled sound from inside Alistair's tent. This one was clearly a sob he was trying to hide. He was awake by now, that much she was sure of. What Kaei wasn't sure of was what to do about it. Should she slink back to her tent and pretend everything was fine? Should she leave him to his misery and talk with him tomorrow? Or should she gather up her supposed courage and go in there and . . .well do something?
A genlock with a tainted sword? An animated corpse and an abomination? No problem. A man inside a tent who was obviously hurting, and made her heart race like she was a running for her life . . . this was a problem she wasn't sure she could solve. But Kaei had never been one to hold back, so she did try to find the little shivering remnant of her courage, and without asking for permission, she crawled inside Alistair's tent and closed the flap behind her.
He was sitting up, his eyes clamped shut, chewing on his lower lip with his hands balled into fists in his lap. He knew she was there, surely, but he didn't move or even flinch when she sat down next to him. They sat in silence for a bit, before Kaei shivered involuntarily. The excitement had made her forget the cold for a while, but the cold hadn't forgotten about her apparently.
"If you're just going to sit there and make me wait," she said quietly, "The least you could do is share the blanket before I freeze to death."
Alistair opened his eyes at the sound of her voice. It was too dark to see much, but even in the half light of the last dying flickers of the fire through the canvas she could see that his eyes were red. He had been crying. And that chilled Kaei. He had been so sad when Duncan died, but never once had he actually cried. Whatever this was . . . and she'd sort of hoped it had been a nightmare of darkspawn and the archdemon. But those just made him pale and resolute, not reduced to tears.
Alistair lifted up the edge of the blanket, and Kaei slipped her legs underneath, surprised to discover how warm it was under there. Maybe Zevran was on to something . . . but before she could finish her thought, Alistair spoke.
"Goldanna," he said quietly. "And my father." He paused, and swallowed hard. "It was just like in the Fade, except Goldanna wasn't a demon, just her charming self. Telling me over and over again how I killed our mother. How I was a failure and an embarrassment. How my father was a rapist. How I was destined to be no better."
"You do know that isn't true, right?" Kaei asked.
"Hah," he snorted. "How do you know it's not?"
"You're actually asking me this question Alistair?" Kaei said incredulously. "To the woman who practically thrown herself at you like a back alley whore, only to be turned down?"
"That's just because I'm a coward," he said with finality. "And certainly not worthy of being the son, bastard or not, of a king."
"What?"
"I can't even begin to tell you how much I have always wanted to just belong somewhere. Not be a dirty sodding secret. And what I said in the Fade was true, I thought becoming a Gray Warden would make me happy, but it didn't," Alistair said. "I think, that maybe I've been unhappy for so long that I wouldn't know how to be happy if I tried."
"That's entirely possible," Kaei said bluntly. "Since you've convinced yourself to be miserable, you are going to be just that."
"Do you think I want to feel like this?" he snapped at her.
"Yes," she replied. "I think maybe you do. Creators know I had certainly planned on being miserable forever. But this strange human kept telling me I deserved to be happy. And eventually, I took his word for it."
Alistair sighed. "Maker's breath, I am a sad excuse for a man, aren't I?"
"No, you're not," Kaei said sharply. "You're just feeling sorry for yourself, and you have to stop it."
"And how exactly do I do that?"
"The same way we all do," Kaei said. "The same way I'm trying to. Do you think this is any easier for me than it is for you?" Kaei gritted her teeth, trying to bite back the angry words that were threatening.
"You sure make it look easy," Alistair muttered.
"Well, don't sodding think it is!" Kaei shouted. She realized that everyone in the camp could hear her, but she suddenly didn't care. "I've lost everything! My home, my people, my damned identity! I lost the man I thought I was going to marry and have children with. I got thrown into a human world, to save the lot of you. And how many do you think will thank me for it? How many are just going to see my marked face and think me a savage thing, and hate me for it, Gray Warden or not. Don't think I can't see it in the faces of the humans we've met." She took a deep shuttering breath. "And here I thought I'd be able to rely on you to be the one human who saw me as a person, not just an elf. Not just a Gray Warden, but a person. But you're too sodding busy crying over the loss of something you never had!" Kaei realized she was panting. And she also realized that inexcusable tears were slowly rolling down her cheeks, threatening to freeze.
Alistair looked like she'd just slapped him. His mouth opened and closed several times.
"So don't tell me that you can't," Kaei said finally. "Because if I can manage to not be a blubbering useless fool, I would hope you could grab hold of yourself and do it too. Otherwise, maybe you should just go."
"Go?" Alistair said with wide eyes.
"Yes," Kaei replied. "Because I can't fight the Blight if I'm too busy worrying about you."
"Then don't," he snapped. "Worry about me that is. I may be pathetic, but I can still exterminate darkspawn, if that's what you're concerned about."
"Are you really that blind?" Kaei said, her voice catching. "Are you so sodding caught up in your own misery to not see what's going on around you? Alistair, I worry about you because I love you."
"I don't wa . . . wait, what?" Alistair stumbled.
"I love you, you bumbling fool," Kaei said. "Even though it's probably the worst idea I ever had."
"You . . . love me?" he asked slowly.
"That is what I said, completely mad as it is," she replied.
"I . . . I can't believe it," he whispered.
"Well believe it, because it's true," Kaei said, feeling as vulnerable as if she was naked. Alistair was still as a stone and couldn't look at her. Her heart made an erratic thump in her chest and her stomach flipped over.
"Well, before I make a bigger idiot out of myself," she said, slipping out from under the blanket into the cold. "I'm going to leave." She crawled up on to her knees, making her way to the flap in the canvas. "I hope you can manage to pull yourself together. At least long enough to get the ashes. And once that's done, then you can do whatever you want. But if you intend on sticking around, I'd appreciate it if you could at least pretend to put your heart into it."
"Wait," he said quickly. "Don't go."
Kaei looked back at him, irritated. She couldn't tell if she was more angry at herself, or him. "Why?" she asked.
"Because I . . . ," he started. Kaei gave him a blistering look.
"I don't need you to humor me," she spat. "Or pity me. Just stop pitying yourself and I'll be happy."
"I'm not," he said. "Trying to humor you. You just . . you just shocked me."
"I can't believe you didn't know already," she said. "I'm a failure at hiding my feelings, or so I've been told."
"I just didn't think . . . I didn't think anyone could actually feel that way about me," he said. "And because I've spent more time than I want to admit to trying to think of a way to tell you."
"Tell me what?" Kaei said.
Alistair grabbed her arm and pulled her back against him roughly. Surprised by his unexpected aggression, Kaei fell back against him and found herself pressed up against his chest.
"Tell you that I love you," he said and before Kaei could say anything, he kissed her.
Kaei pulled back, meeting his eyes. She almost wanted to see a lie there. She wanted to see pity, or lust or something so that she could escape. She was struck by a fear colder than the ice outside. But Alistair's eyes were only filled with blatant, exposed truth.
"You do?" she asked.
"Maker's breath woman," he sighed, crushing her against him. Kaei pressed her face against the warm skin on his throat. "Apparently I'm not the only one that's blind."
