Jacob Have I Loved
Chapter 28
"What are you doing here, Jess?" Jake slowly pulled away. I could still smell the wonderful musk scent emanating from the fibers of his clothes like an imprint on mine. His eyes searched mine for the answer to his question, a smile returning to his face.
Shit. How was I going to explain hiding in the bushes behind his house and spying on him like some crazed stalker? I had to think fast.
"Well, I came to see you and noticed you had company over and I didn't want to ruin that, so I decide to wait here until they left." I blurted out all in one breath, peering up at Jake and silently praying he would buy my little white lie. Well, it wasn't totally a lie, but close enough. I hated lying to him, but it seemed I would have to become an expert by the time our unexpected visit was over.
"That's crazy, Jess. You know, Quil and Embry wouldn't mind you being there." Jake shook his head, flashing me those perfectly-white teeth. "They probably would love to take a few more shots at me." He chuckled, and it made me smile to see him laugh. It had been so long since I saw him happy. I relished in his laughter, breathing it in like a refreshing, summer breeze.
"About the riding lessons, right?" I looked passed Jake to the disassembled bike off in the distance, digging my hands into the back pockets of my jeans.
"Yeah." He glanced down at his feet, shuffling his feet nervously from side to side. "They've been giving me hell ever since you left."
"Oh, really?" I stole a glimpse at his bulging biceps beneath the sleeves of his shirt, my mouth salivating with every passing second. God, what I wouldn't have given to see what else had increased in size since I left La Push.
"Well, they've tried to fix me up a few times." Jake's eyes peered into mine again, his expression soft. "But I just don't have the interest."
I loudly gulped, watching his face like an accident you encounter on a highway. I just couldn't look away. He was so damn gorgeous, and I couldn't believe the words that were coming out of his mouth. He wasn't interested in any other girls but me. It warmed my heart to know that fact, but it also made me a little worried. I ultimately feared our little run-in was going to do more harm than good.
"What about Bella? I saw her here too." I made myself break his gaze, turning my head to look at the bike once again.
Jake was silent for a brief moment. Then, he sighed, running his ponytail through his right hand. "Well, there possibly could be something there. Her boyfriend moved out of town, just like my girlfriend moved out of town." His tone was bitter.
Oh, God. Here we go. The guilt trip. I closed my eyes, feeling the daggers penetrate my heart one by one. I deserved that blow after all the pain and hurt I caused him. He was justified in every word that flowed from his mouth.
"Jake, you know it wasn't my fault I had to move." I grabbed his hand and then realizing what I was doing quickly let it drop back to his side.
"I know that, Jess." Jake reached over, taking my right hand with his left. The warmth of his hand was exhilarating; I had forgotten just how amazing it felt to have his hand in mine. "I just wish we could have kept in touch. You just ignored me. That really hurt, you know?"
The look on his heartbroken face spoke volumes. It would have taken wild horses to drag me away from him in that moment. I wanted nothing more than to throw my arms around him, kiss him, make love to him, tell him that I was never going to leave him again. But that was a lie; we had grown too far apart. And we both knew it.
"I'm sorry, Jake." Several tears escaped my brown eyes, streaking down my face. I swiftly wiped them away. "I just thought a clean break would be best."
"You were wrong." His trio of words cut me deep, deeper than the previous daggers. His grip on my hand grew tighter, and I could feel his pulse racing just under his russet-colored flesh. "I kept waiting, hoping that one day you would call just so I could hear your voice again. But no . . . you never did."
I just stared at our hands entwined together. That's how it should have been. Us together. Jake and Jess. I cursed the day my dad's boss ever dreamt of promoting him. How dare they ruin my chances at happiness?
And Ephraim Black as well. Who was he to tell me I couldn't have Jake to myself? Fuck Bella. That bitch had nothing on me. Jake and I had a past together; we had been friends as long as I could remember. How could she ever give him anything that I couldn't offer him?
"Jess, are you okay?" Jake asked when I didn't answer, snapping me out of my reverie.
"Yeah, sorry. Just thinking about the past." I half-smiled at him.
"What happened, Jess?" Jake pulled me closer to him, our bodies almost touching. "You told me you loved me. We shared so much together. Why didn't you want to talk to me? Why did you just shut me out?"
He was right. He was always right. We had shared so much together. We grew up together. We played together as children. We went to school together. We had the same friends. We gave our virginity to each other. We even had a pregnancy scare together. Jake never left my side once out of anger or frustration. He was always there, being the best friend I could ever have asked for. Why was I such a bitch to him? Oh, yeah, right. We're not meant to be together, and that just plain sucked ass.
"I didn't want to, Jake. It's kinda hard to explain." I could feel his intoxicating breath on my neck, making my body respond in ways I didn't want it to at that moment. I didn't know how much closer our bodies could get before I reached the point of no return.
"Jess, I want to know what I did to make you hate me." Jake wrapped both of his arms around my waist, drawing his face to mine. He rested his forehead sweetly on top of mine and closed his eyes.
For the love of all that is holy, why did he have to notice me a few minutes ago? I almost made it out of here without being detected, and now here I was—in his arms—trying with every fiber of my being to control the urges to renew our love right then and there.
"I didn't hate you, Jake. I still don't." I spoke in whispers, my breath becoming shallow.
He released his hold around my waist, bringing his palms up and cupping my chin. His eyes slowly opened. "Do you still love me, Jess? I need to know."
I watched his beautiful eyes dance with mine for several seconds before I answered truthfully and wholeheartedly. "Yes."
A broad smile etched across Jake's face, and he brought my face to his, pressing his lips gently to mine. It was in those heart-pounding seconds that I lost all of my previous control. Unknowingly, Jake had pushed me passed the point of no return.
I grabbed the back of his head, closing the gap between our bodies, feeling his erection graze my pelvis. I kissed him with such a fervor, a need, a longing. It was as if I wanted to melt into him and become part of him forever.
Jake moved his hands down to my waist, hugging my ass with both of his palms. God, I had missed the feel of his fingers against my body. I craved them like an alcoholic craved his bottle of vodka. If I were a druggie, Jake was my own personal brand of heroin. I couldn't get enough of him.
"Hey, I've got an idea." He suddenly broke away from my lips, taking my hand. "We'll have to be careful 'cause it's up on blocks, but I don't want you to have to lay on the ground again."
My heart began to race even faster when I realized what he wanted to do. Jake wanted to make love to me in the backseat of the Rabbit, just as I had wished in the past. I couldn't believe my dream was finally becoming a reality.
"And we can't go in the house. Dad's there, and he'd kick my ass." Jake's laughter was like music to my heart. I could listen to it over and over again.
He opened the passenger side of the car, motioning me to enter. "After you, my lady."
I smiled and climbed into the Rabbit, crawling all the way to the other door. Jake jumped in beside me and shut the door behind him.
We both sat there, our hands resting in our laps. I couldn't believe I was here with him. I wanted to savor every second. But the eerie silence was deafening to me. I wondered if he was contemplating the validity of what we were about to do. To him, it possibly meant the renewal of our relationship. A new start. To me, it meant something entirely different. All the progress I had made with the Bella situation would be an utter waste. How would he be able to focus on her when he was still hung up on me? I couldn't break his heart for the second time.
"Jake, maybe we shouldn't do this." I told him, piercing the silence like a knife. "I still live hours and hours away. It wouldn't be fair to either of us."
"Jess." Jake pivoted in his seat, placing his right arm about my shoulders. "I've never wanted anything more in my life. I love you."
SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! Why didn't I just leave when Bella got here? DAMN IT! I was such a fucking tease. I shouldn't have even been there. FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
I closed my eyes and remembering the reason I came here in the first place parted my lips. "Jake, I think you should date Bella."
"What are you talking about?" Jake pulled away from me.
"Admit it, Jake. You like her. You do. I've seen the way you look at her. Your face always lights up whenever she's around." I tried to make him see my point without sounding like a jealous girlfriend, which I most certainly was.
"She's just . . ." I could see the heat of embarrassment burn on his cheeks, and he knew he had been caught.
"See. I told you." I forced a chuckle from my lips.
"It's not like that. She's just a friend." Jake opened the car door again and exited the car.
I got out as well, walking over to meet him. He leaned against the car, his arms folded across his chest.
"Come on, Jake. You like her. Admit it." I punched him playfully on the shoulders, but I felt the blow all the way to my heart.
A smile wider than a football field spread across his face, and his bit his bottom lip. "Yeah. God, I can't believe I'm telling you this. You must think I'm a total prick." Jake turned around, placing his folded arms atop the car and pressing his forehead to them.
I sauntered closer to him, patting him tenderly on the back. "I don't think you're a prick, Jake. You're just honest. That's all."
He sighed, elevating his head from the comfort of his arms. "The terrible thing is was that I was . . . oh, never mind."
"What?" I'm sure the quizzical look on my face was enough to make him answer my question.
"I was . . . Well, I was thinking of her when I was kissing you."
My whole vision went black at his statement. My heart fell like a solid lump into the pit of my stomach. What the FUCK did he just say? He was thinking of BELLA when he was kissing ME? Did I fucking hear that right?
I tried to control the invisible steam from blowing like a locomotive out my ears. I could feel the burning under my skin as if I was about to phase into my wolf form.
"Jess, I'm sorry. I am a prick, damn it! And I was trying to make you feel guilty for ignoring me. I'm so sorry, Jess. Forgive me." Jake's eyes reminded me of a damned lost puppy, but he had just cut me deep.
"Jake, I don't understand you anymore. You say that you love me and that you missed me. You almost make love to ME and you say you were thinking of that Bella bitch the entire time. Please enlighten me because I think I'm going just a little mad over here trying to figure you out!" I screamed at him with all the anger I could muster.
"I don't know what it is. I love you, Jess, but I just have this strong attraction to her. I can't explain it." Jake threw his hands up in the air in surrender. "It's like the more I get to know her, the more I think about her and want to be with her. I know I sound like I'm going crazy."
I closed my eyes, trying to block out all my anger. Ephraim told me that Jake would feel a strong connection to Bella and that connection would help bring balance to our tribe. Maybe, what Ephraim said was right all along.
"Jess?" Jake was standing right beside me. I could almost feel his musky scent like the very blood pulsing through my veins.
"I think it's time for me to go." I attempted to hold back my tears as I hurriedly began to pace my way back to my hatchback.
"No, Jess. Wait!" He caught up to me, matching my pace. "I'm sorry. Please don't leave like this."
After a few seconds, we both reached my car. I opened the driver's side door, and Jake pushed it shut before I could sit down. He pressed me up against the side of the car, placing his arms on either side of my shoulders.
"Jess, I love you. I always will." He spoke, and I looked into his eyes. "Maybe, it was a good thing you came back—to give me the closure I needed."
"And the green light to go ahead with Bella." I finished his thoughts, gritting my teeth to the point I thought they would break.
"Yeah." Jake backed away and reopened the car door for me. "I guess so."
Before I got in, I turned back to him. "Jake, I think you and Bella will be perfect together. I know that for a fact."
He smiled at me with that gorgeous grin. "Thanks, Jess. That means a lot."
I entered the car and started the engine, pulling the door closed. As I placed my palms on the steering wheel, I felt the pressing urge to tell him one last thing.
Rolling down the window, I whispered. "I love you, too, Jake. You never forget your first love."
I shifted into drive and sped off, leaving him in the swirling dust behind me. I don't know if he heard those last words or not, but I secretly hoped that he did.
As I glanced back at him in the rearview mirror, a weight the size of the world was lifted off my shoulders. I knew then that I had done the right thing. I had pushed Jake toward his destiny as the future leader of our tribe. A destiny and a future without me.
Then, as suddenly as the weight lifted, my heart felt renewed, for I remembered Ephraim's final words to me that night I first transformed into a wolf:
Please, Jessica, if you love Jacob, you will set him free. A greater love awaits you. One you cannot possibly imagine . . .
I smiled at Jake's reflection as he waved to me from the looking glass.
A greater love awaited me. Somewhere out there, my true love waited. One I couldn't possibly begin to imagine . . . and Ephraim was right.
Attn: Well, I know some of you may be disappointed that Jake & Jess didn't have any reunion sex, but he is starting to have feelings for Bella as we now know. There are only a few chapters left of this story. And I know you are about to die to know who Jessica's true love will be. Any guesses? Thanks as always for reading!
