Chapter 12
For the next two weeks all I was hearing baout was this huge-ish party that was supposed to be Friday the 17th. Everyone that had anything to do with the emo crowd or that was invited was going. Dave and I were going. Cass and Miles were going. And everyone was talking about it. There were rumors that the jock-cheerleader crowd weren't allowed to go. That there was going to be so much alcohol nobody wouldn't be drunk. And that there would be no way it was going to be crashed. Because it was in this house deep in the woods and nobody was oging ot get caught. No way. Even if it was crashed: "by the time the police started down the driveway the whole house could be empty and everyone hiding in the woods." Dave was excited. And so was everyone who was going. Even Cass.
I wasn't though. I don't like parties with so much alcohol because Dve drinks alot and he sometimes decides to drive home. The party is far from his house which mean most likely I would end up driving his car which I am horrible at. And he will be all over me. When he's drunk he lets loose. That's when I think Im' scared of him most.
He picked me up for the "party of the year" and I was tense. "What's wrong?" He asked softly stroking my face.
"Nothing," I said. "I'm fine."
"You sure, you look pale." He said.
I didn't know I was pale. I jsut felt like puking and throwing up my guts and my stomach felt so shaken up. I smiled to reassure him and he took that and he kissed me. I kissed him back. And we went to the party of the year.
The driveway was a mile long. We walked it in the dark. His hand slipped around my waist. We were a little late so we were mostly near the ned of the line of cars. It was eight. And the party started around seven. The house was real nice looking. Wooden and lit up. Full of kids. You could hear drunk couples giggling in the woods and there were pleanty of red cups I could see walking up to the party even before we were inside. It was everything it was expected of.
We didn't stay upstairs though because the more popular crowd was downstairs. Which meant all of Dave's friends and a select few jock-cheerleader type kids. All talking and drinking. Having their own little party. And Dave was the social-light. And I was his girlfriend. His hand stayed around my waist and he'd kiss my temple when he needed to. It was perfect.
But I started getting hot. Even with a drink in me. I was burning up.
Sweat was on my forehead. I felt it in cold beads. And I was a little dizzy. I needed fresh air. This air was full of smoke. And I was so hot. I looked at Dave. "I'm-I'm gonna' go get some air." I said. I stuttered more than I realized.
He looked at me. "Damn you look so pale. I'll come with you." He said.
"Nah, I'm good." I said. "I'll go alone." I wanted to just get outside. I didn't need him slowing me down. Notthat I think Dave slows me down. But he'd have to talk to someoe and I'd end up going alone anyway. Save him the trouble- I did.
"Are you sure," He touched my face. "...You don't look alright, baby."
He never called me baby, but I didn't want to call him out on that. I jsut nodded. "I'm sure. I'll be right back." I said.
I went upstairs. Dodging a giant drunk kid. And walking along the sides. Nobody noticed me. I can be a wallflower if there ever were one without even trying sometimes. I just felt so sick. I got lost in that big house. Too many people. But I wove through them. All drunk or drinking. I found a porch eventually. It was out back and it was deserted because the door was near impossible to open. But I needed the air that was through that glass. My forehead in a cool sweat and my fingers itching for fresh October night air.
It felt so good stepping outside. I took deep breathes of it. Letting it cool myself off. And I brushed away the cool water on my forehead. I wondered how pale I looked. I took my cell phone out, it had a mirror-like front. And looked at myself. I didn't look that pale. I was just a little off-color. I pressed a button. 9:01 filled my screen in big black numbers surrounded in white.
I put it away and looked into the dark world outside of the dim porch I was now standing in.
Something moved in the corner of my eye. I turned to see a silhouette cowering against the post on the stairs was there. I lost my breathe. Shocked. I wanted to scream. I must have lost all color. And my heart must have given out. They stood up suddenly; a tall slim tree that towered over me from about six yards away.
I was tense. Rigid. They stepped foreward. More under the light of the small light bulb in between us. All blood that had rushed to my head was now moving down to the rest of my shell-shocked body. The first thing I saw was blue, purple, and red sunken into someone's skin. It was Bennett Williams.
"Sorry," I said turning to go.
"No," He stopepd me. "It's fine... Elisa?"
I would have kept going and syaing I should just leave him alone, but he had said my name. I never told him my name ever. Did I? He knew it and said it with a sepcial spark to it. I turned more towards him. He dropped his head letting his hair fall into his face. An attempt to cover his bruised eye. It didn't work. But he looked as scared as I probably did. I felt bad for him. He looked so hurt.
I tried to think of something to say. But I just couldn't think of anything. He beat me to saying anything.
"I figure you've heard about what happened." He said.
He meant his eye. His swollen hurt eye. I shook my head. It was more a shock to me than him himself. "No, I haven't." I said. He looked at me suddenly. Almost shocked. "You don't have to..."
He stepped towards me a little sliding his hands into his jean pockets so they were flat and only his finger tips here in them. He stared out into the black beyond this porch. I figured he didn't want to tell me. But he just cleared him throat. "I'm assuming," He said softly. I stepped closer to hear him better. "You know who Rainie Joseph is." I nod even though he isn't looking at me. His voice is so fragile and shatteringly quiet. I take a smaller step. "Well, we we've been friends for over a year. And I guess I sort of fell for her a long time ago. I just never told her I liked her because she gould get any guy she ever wanted. And near last winter she hooked up with my best friend- Sean. Weird as it sounds," He sighed. "She chose Paul Spinella. I really felt bad for the kid when they started dating because he obviously liked her a ton. And it's Rainie. I figured they'd break up soon. Turns out they fell in love." He smiled a little. "I mean, big deal? They aren't really in love, right? But I mean, I saw it all. It's not just kiss-kiss-I-Love-You. It's probably as close to the real thing anyone this young can get. But she had a lot going on and she broke up with him beginning of this year." Bennett stepped closer to me a little babystep. He was still staring into that blackness. "And she came to me. Not because I was a good friend. But because she needed Paul. I tried to be Paul for her. And she was getting smashed a lot and we were hooking up. And she was being so hard on herself. She loves that kid so much. And tonight, I don't know what happened but she came to me again. And I don't know- I just couldn't be Paul anymore. I mean they're both killing themselves witohut each other. I work with Paul. He's a wreck. And so I told her I needed to stop. And she snapped. Ran out. Everything." He looked at me suddenly. "And she ran to him. And I said something I probably shouldn't have and he punched me."
His eyes were in a different language. They were so complicated and deep. I had no way of translating them or understanding them. They were unreadable. He looked down at the ground. "As stupid as it sounds. I got punched on purpose. Because they just loved each other and needed each other. I just did what I thought I needed to which was getting punched in the face." He laughed because of how pathetic he must have thought he sounded.
"Are you okay?" I asked. He looked at me blankly. And then he blinked hard and very suddenly. He winced.
"Yeah," He said softly.
"You must have really like Rainie." I said.
He thought about that. "She's jsut one of those people you fall for no matter what." He said. "She's a beautiful person. Have you ever met her?"
I shook my head. "I've heard about her a lot."
"It's funny how people know so much about her or know her and still they jsut never get her at all. She's just so hard to fully understand. But I think Paul figured her out easily for some reason. He saw everything coming or he thought he did. And he knew exactly what was going on with her the whole time they were together. At least it seems like it. She never stopped talking about him this past month." He smiled a little at this.
I nodded. I understood that.
"I won't be hearing the end of this party for forever." He said.
"Why?"
"I," He did air-quotes suddenly, "'tried to get her to sleep with me.'" He dropped his hands and dropped his head again to get his hair over his eye again. "I brought that on though. I just really want them to work everything out."
I nodded. "You did something I don't think me or anyone else could have done." That just sounded necessary. "It's one of the most unselfish things I've heard someone do in a while."
He just looked at me quietly. His eyes still in another language. He didn't say anything for a while. "I don't know why I did it. To be honest. I doubt I would have done this a coupel years ago." He looked back into the darkness. "Before I was an emo 'faggot.'"
I was quiet suddenly. I looked at the ground. I must be going crazy I said sometihng I should not have said. "When my dad left my family; I got really screwed up. Not really, I just got really quiet." I mean this is Bennett Williams. Jesus. "And I don't know, I don't hate who I am. It's just I could be a completely different person if my dad hadn't left. I'll never now. And I never will. We can't control who we are."
"I did. Somehow." He said. "I was just this baseball guy. And suddenly I got into music and I just became who I am. And I don't know. I wouldn't want to be anyone else really."
"I wish I could have had the chance to do something liek that." I said softly. "But I have all I really need. I mean I have a best friend and I have.. Dave."
He opened his mouth to say something but he held it back. Then I swallowed this lump in my throat. "Do you love Dave?" I heard him ask.
I blinked. I hesitated. "Yes, I think so." I said.
He nodded looking out into the darkness.
"It's weird because of everything sometimes I'm scared of him most." I said.
He looked at me so differently. "Elisa..."
"Elisa!" We both looked. It was Dave. "There you are! God, you've been gone forever. I've been looking for you."
I turned to Bennett Williams quickly. "Sorry,"
"It's fine," He said.
I went to Dave. Not realizing this tether I had to him until then. Pulling me back to him when he held his hand out. I looked back at Bennett who watched us with sad eyes. Hurt eyes. I wondered what he was thinking. But his eyes were still so unreadable.
