Chapter 16

Dave grabbed me one more time. He was suddenly sitting behind me. Me in between his legs and his stomach against my back. We were sitting on the floor of his basement. This time we really were studying but he was getting bored and distracted. "Did you hear about that fight at that party between that kid from Caustic and Bennett Williams?" He asked. "Turns out Williams not that gay after all. Almost slept with Rainie Joseph."

I was quiet for a few seconds. "Yeah," I said. I wasn't in the position to tell Dave he was wrong. That Bennett Williams was my friend and that he shouldn't say stuff liek that about him to me. But I didn't.

"You okay?" He asked.

"Yeah, why?"

"I don't know. I've been worried about you since the party." He moved his hands around my waist holding me closer to him. "You were so freaking pale. Are you sick or something?"

"No, I'm completely healthy."

"Did somethign happen?"

"No,"

"I'm just so worried. I got scared when you were at that party you were so off. You were so close to just passing out." He sounded so genuine. I closed my eyes and leaned back against him. He kissed my cheek. "I don't know..." He was quiet for a few seconds. "I've never been in a relationship liek this. When I'm this serious about a girl, especially like you."

I smield. I had butterflies. "Me neither."

"I love you so much Elisa." He said softly into my hair. I closed my eyes and we just sat there. It felt warm being with him. He made me feel warm and comfortable. "Do you know what this Staurday is?" He asked.

"Yeah, our five-month." I said. I hadn't been thinking about it much. I had been distracted but it was there. Right in front of us. He kissed my cheek again lightly I opened my eyes.

"I want it to be really special." He said softly. And we sat there. I felt so happy being there. So in love with him. "Elisa, I want to make love to you." He whispered. My stomach dropped. And I was scared a little. But he kept talking. His voice soothing. And smooth. "I love you so much. I want to give everything to you. You mean the world to me. We've been together five months. And it's sad but, this is my longest relationship. I've never looekd at a girl the way I look at you. I care about you so much. I've never been in love before. I love you more than anything, Elisa."

I closed my eyes and listened to his voice. I couldn't help but love him. His voice sounded so honest. And truthful. He meant what he had said I thought to myself.


Dave had been a good mood all afternoon because the student body president had said they were in for sure. And he was happy they were going ot play in front of the whole school sometime in a month or so in November. It was good "coverage" Peter said. And I was happy for him.

When I got home I called Cass telling her about Dave's act. Because all I could think about right then was Dave. But I didn't tell her what we decided. And I just told her about the Variety Show. And she said she was happy for us. She seems more accepting of Dave lately. She invited me to come hang out with her and Miles but I decided to stay in. I had too much on my mind.

I listened to Jimmy Eat World's Clarity. When that finished I came upon The Photo Album. I remembered what Bennett had said today about it. That conversation seemed so far away. I put it into my CD player and played "Steadier Footing."

He had had a different meaning I tihnk to telling me about that song today. I listened to it. The full two minutes or so and it took my mind off of Dave for that long. I could hear Bennett in my head: It made me think of you and me. He never said that. But I relaized what was unsaid always was. I jsut picked up on it then. Maybe that's what his eyes say when I can't understand them. But thinking about last Friday, I still couldn't figure out what he was saying then when he wasn't.

But two minutes aren't hardly enough to take my mind off of everything.

I think everyone is scared before their first time. But I was dead scared with it barely even close enough for me to supposed to be. So I just shut my eyes listening to Ben Gibbard but hearing my own voice over his. It was deafening and heavy- my thoughts and my voice that whispered them to me.

I was terrified.