Chapter 17
I was terrified of the world.
I was on edge all the rest of the week. Dave noticed this. Not knowing why. He just would kiss my cheek and ask me in his soft voice if I was okay. I would say Yes. I was fine. But I'm not fine. I really don't tihnk I am. I'm scared of Cass. I'm scared of Freshman walking down the halls with purpose. My mother walking upstairs. Just everything.
I was finishing Catcher in the Rye.
"You're still reading that?" I looked across my desk. Not at him. The chair slid open for him to sit down.
The best way to put it was that I was terrified of Bennett. He wasn't scary. In fact he was one of the nicest people I have ever met. It was just the fact that I was starting to like him. It was a crush obviously. He was just very friendly and nice to me. He always said hi to me when he saw me and smiled if I was with Dave, not saying anything. I loved Dave though. I couldn't like Bennett. Especially now. But I guess since it's Bennett Williams you can't help it. It's the same kind of crush you'd have meeting a celebrity or someone so much higher above you. It jsut felt strange having him treat me like a friend.
I'd be sitting in English. When nobody was around. And he'd come up and ask me something. We'd start talking even Cass joining in sometimes. But she sometimes would just go off and leave just the two of us to talk. We never ran out of things to say. We'd talk about music and books. It was weird and slightly terrifying having so much in common with The Bennett Williams. He'd tell me to listen to a record again or something like that. And I would and he'd ask me about it the next time.
You might be wondering what the hell's going on with me.
Well to put it simply: Bennett makes me stop thinking about Five-months and Dave. I forget everything. I forget about Dave which is worst of everything because I love Dave and this is Bennett Williams who hates the boy I love with a passion I think by now. I'm scared of Bennett because Dave is. Dave looks at his feet when Bennett walks by. He's so intimidating towards Dave I'm scared of Bennett myself. The boy who recited poetry to me the period before can become a monster. Second I'm scared of how he makes me forget Dave. I love Dave. He loves me. Five months. A lifetime for some. And I forget a lifetime for someone I have only known under three weeks.
"I'm trying to make it last," I say studdering. I feel sweat forming under my bangs over my eyebrow. My hands feel numb and shaky. I hold my place. And calm down.
"Carousel part right?" He asks.
"Yeah," I said.
"I love that part." He says. "'Coney Island' by Death Cab reminds me of it so much."
"I was thinking that." I smile. I'm sick with myself.
He smiles too. He always does when I smile at him. "What did you think of that book?" He asks. His arms are folded and he rests them on the desk and leans forward. His arms are so boney. He had a freckle or two on them.
"I really liked it." I said. "I don't usually like books we read in school."
He looks down at the desk. "The first book I ever read in school and truly loved was The Outsiders."
"I've never read that." I said.
He looked up his brown eyes widening. "Are you kidding me?"
"No," I said.
He shook his head. "That's sickening, Elisa." He said. He says my name more than Dave. I think he just likes saying it. "You are missing out on one of the most enlightening books I tihnk you can eve read." He sighed, closing his eyes and shaking his head. "Promise me you'll read it."
I smile a little looking down. "I promise."
"Okay," He says smiling a little.
I'll wake up from this the moment I see Dave the moment I walk out of English. It's Friday. And English was our last class. I'm walking out of English. Dave is there. He slides a hand around my waist. We start walking. We go down a staircase. I see Bennett walking up above me as I go down walking across the hallways area parallel to where the stairs plunge down to the first floor. He sees me and smiles a little. I felt the same what I just had talking to him. It didn't last.
Dave and I had had a great afternoon on Saturday. Our five month. We went to a little diner we went on our first date and sat and tlaked normally. He loved me. I knew that. I felt out of it. We retold stories. It took my mind off of everything for the short hwile that slipped by.
Then we left and he drove to the bridge. The bridge leads to a dead end. And kids go there to hook-up and nobody usually goes there except for in the summer. But it's so pretty and nice. But tonight I was so scared.
"Elisa, I love you." He said softly touching my knee.
"I love you too."
We had been kissing. The seat fell back. And his hands slid up my shirt. And he took it off. He took off his own becuase I felt numb and I was shaking inside. He kissed my neck. And I started crying then. I love Dave. I really do. But I never knew love wasn't enough. I wasn't ready. I didn't want to. But a single word didn't escape me. He hurt me. Not in the 'hitting' type of hurt. It was the other kind.
He dropepd me off at my house. Kissing me one more time. I kissed his lips. They were suddenly nothing to me.
My house was quieter and emptier than it ever was. I went up to my room. My feet heavy like lead. And my head light like air. I sat on my floor my back agaisnt my bed. My eyes closed. I wanted to be as small as I could. I felt this pang in my chest. It was heavy and it hurt.
It was regret.
