Chapter 18
"Elisa?"
I shuddered scared half to death. It was just Cass. She came up to my room. Her footsteps loud in my quiet house. I had showered. I still felt disgusting. I looked in the mirror I was scared of myself. She saw me and studied me. Her eyes taking me in one detail at a time. "What happened?" She asked. "You look like a mess."
"I'm fine." I believed myself. But 'fine' has to be the fakest word of them all. I smiled to reassure her. She asked and bugged me a few more minutes. Then she let it drop. It was Sunday night. She needed the essay question for Catcher in the Rye. And she needed a computer. I was reading. Finally finishing Catcher in the Rye. I had the day before. This was my second time reading it. I told Dave I wasn't feeling well. But he sounded so happy. He couldn't drive me to and from school tomorrow; he had to go early for a test.
Cass and I were talking. She didn't remember the five-month. That's all I thought about. I formed short sentences and responses. Short fake ones. And I even believed myself.
I told myself over and over again that I was fine. And it was numbing to keep telling myself this but it started to work. Cass was talking. This was normal. I told her too, I wasn't feeling well. And she talked the most. I'd tune her out half-listening.
I wasn't there.
His hands were so hot agaisnt me. He hugged me. And kissed my forehead. His lips burned my flesh. I wanted to push him away. I didn't. I was fine. I was fine. I was fine.
Nobody second guessed my response. Nobody knew either. I loved Dave. This isn't how it is suppsoed to be. I felt like throwing up whenever he was around me. I felt the floor shake whenever I stood still next to him. In English Mrs. Masons noticed I had restarted Catcher in the Rye. "Are you reading it again?" She asked.
I nodded. Looking up at her. In her eyes I swore I saw myself. Pale small and shaking. Quivering and dreading the minutes I had to wait before I was alone with Dave. I love him. I'm screwed up. I really am. I have issues. But still I'm fine.
"Do you want to start our next book? It's The Great Gatsby." She offered. She sounded excited ot be handing a book off to me. Thought the bounce in her voice the nudge of enthusiam depressed me. I nodded. And she brought me another old paperback book.
"Thanks," I said smiling a little.
"You're welcome." She said and she walked away to another table. There was fifteen minutes left where we had nothing to do. We finished early now. It was time for us to work on our essays or silent reading. I opened my book. Looking around. Seeing Bennett, his eye still bruised watching me. I looked at him shortly. This time he didn't help me feel better.
I looked down and started reading. At first the words didn't make sense. But nothing ever does now to me. So it made all the sense in the world.
We were at the cemetary. Dave was just kissing me. I could keep up because he wasn't rushing. He had gotten all he had ever wanted out of me. And now he could wait. Go figure. He brushed hair out of my face. "Elisa." He said softly agaisnt my skin. That word was hot and sticky on my flesh. "I love you so much."
I swallowed. "I love you too." My voice cracked. Was I the only one that heard it. I don't think anyone did anymore. Nobody's scared for you when they have to be. I'm getting the attention I always wanted. I always aimed for this. Now I jsut wanted someone to care.
I'm screwed up. I always will be now.
So I decided I should live up to what everyone believed. Nothing was wrong. And it worked. All except for Dave. Who was noticing I was gone. "Are you okay?" I'm fine. "Are you sure?" Of course. "Do you want to talk about anything?" About what? "I love you." I love you too. It became monotonous. It became so fake. I should try out for the school plays. But I won't. I never want that much attention.
I started avoiding Dave. He scared me in ways I couldn't measure.
"Elisa!" I turned my head seeing Dave. "Don't you need a ride home?"
"No, I'm staying after."
"Oh, i'll pick you up later then?"
"Yeah, sure."
He kissed me. I kissed him back absently. "I love you."
"I love you too." I said smiling. "Bye."
I went to the library. Sitting at one of the tables with a few girls tutoring dead-beats. And I took out The Great Gatsby. Reading was just what I needed. It was so quiet. I felt itchy inside. So I flled myself with the voice of silent words. And it filled all my emptiness.
October. I missed September. I wanted September back. Everything was easier. Now November was coming. I wanted everytihng ot slow down. I wanted something to hold onto so I wouldn't be flung into the next month as rapidly as I was. I should have called Cass or Dave about twenty minutes ago. But I just sat there. My head buried in my arms as small as I could get sitting on the front steps of Kerrington High School. It was silent. Dead.
The front doors opened. And shut. I didn't want anyone to see me. I was pathetic. I was invisible liek I had always wanted to be. I was always jsut THERE. Never HERE. I wanted someone to take my hand and explain what I was thinking. What I wanted. I didn't know. I wanted to be unnoticed but I didn't want to be invisible. I wanted people to care and to not. I loved Dave but I was so scared of him. I wanted to hide and I wanted ot be found. I wanted someone to explain what was going on with me but I wasn't letting anyone in.
I felt something brush my arm. My head lifted sharply. My muscles tensed.
"Sorry," He said softly. Bennett was so close. Just right there.
I looked forward. "It's okay."
We were silent. I felt his eyes on me. His bruised one was turned yellow on the edges. "Are you okay, Elisa?" He asked softly. His voice so soft and faint. I remembered him singing on that stage ot me. His voice. I could hear it. Being sung to me. I blinked. My eyes felt numb and galssy again.
"I'm fine." I said.
"I know what fine means." He said in the same voice. "Just know you can trust me."
We sat there quietly for a few minutes. I checked my cell phone to see the time. "I should go." I said.
"Do you want a ride?" He asked.
I should have said no. I loved Dave. This was Bennett Williams. I hesitated. "Do you know where I live?" I asked.
He nodded. "You live the next street over from me." He said. "I live on Cherry."
"How did you know that?" I asked quietly.
He smiled a little. "Don't worry," He said. "I've seen you driving with Dave and coming in and out of that street. I'm not trying ot be creepy." I smiled a little.
"Are you sure you odn't mind?"
"Not at all." He said standing up. He was so tall. He held a hand out to me. I took it. He pulled me to my feet. And his hand felt warm. I felt all shaky. Not the shaky I had been all week. "My car's out back." He said.
We walked behind the school. Next to each other. He was so much taller and thinner. His car was tan and old looking. It was redone and repainted but it's not an expensive new one. A redone junk car like Dave's. But Dave's seats were leather and uncomfortable. And these were the same in the old mini-van my mom used to drive beofre my dad left.
He backed out. An arm behind my seat. I felt so strange sitting there. CDs filling the glove compartment that was stuck open. And a milk crate wedged in the space on the floor making two seperate sides in the long front seat. I blinekd this wasn't real.
The way he drove to our streets was different. Longer and not passing main roads. Back roads. He was listening to this CD. I was staring at the radio/CD player.
"This is this band called Owen." He said. "I don't know, I found this record a couple months ago. It's really good. I love this song."
I liked it to. I nodded. "It's good." Was all I could force out.
He didn't bug me about whether or not I was okay. It was understandable. It was Bennett Williams. He could care less. "Are you sure you're okay?" He asked suddenly.
I opened my mouth to say something. Air escaped quietly. "I don't love Dave." I said suddenly. It hung in the air. That sentence. Burning me and making me hate myself. But I kept talking. "Have you ever felt regret?"
"Yes." He said softly.
"It hurts, huh?"
"Yeah, it does."
"I hate it."
"Me too."
We listened to the record quietly. He looked over at me quietly. "Elisa," He said. I looked at him. He stopped at a red light. "Dave doesn't deserve you. I don't know if anyone says this to you, but it's true. He doesn't belong with someone like you. You are so much better than he can ever be. And he can't change who he is. And you are such a good person. Someone like you should never even waste their time on a person like Dave."
I looked at the dashboard quietly.
"I'm sorry if I'm butting in, but-" He let out a breathe. I realzied he was gripping the wheel. "I care about you Elisa, I think you're such a beautiful person. Dave can't see that."
The light turned green. And he moved forward. Not looking at me. I watched him for a minute or two. He was focusing on the road. His words hung in the air. My chest felt raw. And my head was spinning.
"My house is this one." I said pointing as he started to pass it.
"Is anyone home?" He asked looking at it. I picked my bag off of the floor of his car.
I shook my head. "Nobody ever is."
"My house is the same way." He said looking at me. His eyes were busy. I had no idea what was going through his head. But I opened the door.
"Thanks for the ride." I said.
"You're welcome." He said quietly.
I got out walking up to the front door.
"Hey Elisa, I meant what I said."
His door was open suddenly. He was standing outside of it. Watching me. "I know," I said turning towards him.
"If you ever need to talk to someone," He was smiling a little. "I'm in the house with the red door."
