Chapter 20

The next day I got into Dave's camaro. I took my headphones off. I was listening to The Photo Album. "When are you going to stop using that?" He asked kissing me. "It's the twenty-first century."

"I know," I said. "I don't live under a rock." I was smiling. I don't know why.

He kissed me again. "I love you," He said.

"I love you too." I said back. I felt fake.

He pulled away form the curb. I slipped my CD player into the front pocket of my back pack. He was listening to the radio. Which was commercials, commercials, and a clip of a song. His hand moved to my knee. I grew tense. He squeezed it not noticing that I was now rigid. I looekd out the window, but all I felt was his hand on my knee. "There's this party tonight. The football team, do you want to go?"

"I," I swallowed. "I can't."

"Oh, why?" I looked at him. He was looking back and forth form me to the road in a confused way. It wasn't that we never have been aprt it's jsut he's the one who usually has things to do not me. I understand why he was confused.

"I got a job yesterday." I said this with a hesitation.

"Did you need one?" He asked pausing at a stop sign. "I mean, are you like out of money or something, or did your mom make you get one." I looked back out the window.

"My mom doesn't know yet," I said.

"Why did you get one then?" He was pushing it. I understand he was curious but he sounded so forceful.

"I wanted a job." I said, my voice was small. I was scared of Dave even now. When he was just pushing me a little. He wasn't even made he just wanted an answer. I was terrified. "I've always wanted a job."

"I jsut don't get why." He said.

I didn't answer him. I didn't want ot explain. It was too early. Too much for me this early. I just sat back and looked out the window. His hand moved away from my knee. "Elisa, I didn't mean to be rude." He said. "It's just..."

He was apologizing. I interrupted him. "No, it's fine don't worry." The tether in between us only stretched so far. I felt bad having him apologizing for my own attitude. I didn't know why.


In school he kissed me hard in the hallways. I closed my eyes and tried my best to kiss him back. It was different. Between us it just was. Whenever we went apart his kisses were harder than they were two weeks ago. And I still felt disgusting kissing him in the halls. Afterschool he drove me to the bridge. And he kissed me. So hard.

His hands moved around my waist. I got shaky and scared. I didn't want to. And when his hands started to slid up my shirt I puleld away. "Dave," I said quietly. "I can't."

"Why? Is it because-"

"No," I said. "I'm not ready. I thought I had been but I'm not."

He looked at me in a way I couldn't read his mind. "Elisa," He said softly.

I was adjsuting my shirt. And he didn't finish his sentence. "Do you wnat me to drop you off at home?" He asked.

"Woudl you mind?" I asked.

"Nope."

That was it.


"The thing is, the orange rims means the coffee is decaf. The black means regular. If you mix them up Carol will be pissed. But oyu just need to fix it before she finds out. People barely notice anyways." Becky was pointing to the coffee machine with two pots going. One orange and one black rimmed. I listened carefully. This was near the end of the showing me aorund. I leanred ot never touch food with my bare hands. What to ask the customer. And what the prices meant and were. And little things.

"Okay," I said.

The frotn door opened sendign a ringing through the near empty coffeeshop. "Beck-y." She smield a little walking out to the cash-register counter. Her nails were lime-green today. They flashed like a lasar as she walked. Her arms swinging. It was the short boy I always saw with Bennett. I knew his name was Sean. He was cute and had some of the clearest skin I've ever seen. He smiled these white teeth and kissed Becky over the counter. They said Hello. I lingered by the decaf coffee machine wathcing them.

"...this is my new recruit Elisa." Becky introduced me.

I lifted my hand in a little wave. "Hi,"

"You're Elisa Simmons right?" Sean said looking at my. I assume he saw my temporary sticker nametag. My new one would be in my first actual shift this was jsut a test-run. He was narrowing his eyes pointing at me studying me.

I nodded. "Yes,"

He smiled nicely. "Bennett talked about you a couple times." He said. "You listen ot great music I hear."

I didn't know how to react ot this. Should I just smile and say something back. But I didn't really know what to say. But Becky was looking at me differently. Studying me over again. "You're dating that Dave-kid right?"

I nodded, relived somewhat that I didn't have to respond to Sean. But he stuck his hand out towards me through the coffee machines. "Well, it's a pleasure to meet you." He said smiling. I shook his hand and it was as awkward as it must have looked but neither Sean nor Becky acted like it was weird at all. It was natural almost for them.

"Where is Bennett anyway tonight?" Becky asked. "Party?"

"No," Sean said. "He just left." He sighed walking back to the counter across from Becky. "It's that fucking Christine again." Without a word Becky started pouring a coffee into a to-go cup. Extra-large. "She's screwing with him. He's got a lot going on with the whole Rainie-thing."

Becky looked at me. "You heard about Bennett at that party right? His eyes all fucked up now..."

"Yeah," I said nodding.

"He talked to Rainie by-the-way." Sean cut in. Saying it more to both of us. "She apologized."

Becky handed the coffee to Sean after emptying about eight packets of sugar into it. Not even ringing it up. He took it putting on the top. "I hate that Christine." Sean noticed I was clueless to who Christine was. "His ex-girlfriend. She's a bitch."

I felt strange as I listened in. Sean filling us both in on how Christine was just going around bored with her boyfriend- who I knew was the captain of the Coolen football team. And how Bennett was a level one victim. Both Becky and Sean were so comfotable around me. I got this girl a coffee doing "flawless" as Becky put it.

Then Kyle, the college student came to do his late night shift. Letting Becky and I off our shift. I got a coffee because Becky said if it's free, you better take it. And I started calling Dave. The door opened and Becky came out with a jelly donut in her hand and an extra large coffee in the other. "So you did good today." She said.

I didn't hit the call button I jsut looked at her and smiled a little. "Thanks."

Sean shut the front door to his car. He was starting it. We could see our breathe, it was getting colder. "Hey, give me some of that." He said looking at the donut in Becky's hand.

"I'll see you late," I said to Becky, but I'm not sure if she heard me.

She handed it off to him. They were cute Becky and Sean. I started walking to my car. "Elisa!" Becky yelled. "See you Monday!"

"Bye," I said.

Sean waved, his mouth full. There was a calm feeling in my gut suddenly. I felt balanced. Something I hadn't noticed until now was very new to me.