Chapter 21
I got home, and Dave's car was parked in my driveway. He got out when I pulled up. Standing up a silhouette in the dark. The garage light flashing on catching onto the dark shape emerging from the camaro parked where I remembered my dad's car once would be and where mine had taken it's place. He stood there shoving his hands into his pockets. "Hi," He said quietly.
I got out of my car closign the door behind me. "Hi," I said. I held my keys in one hand. "What's new?"
He shrugged. "The party was sort of lame. I didn't know what time you were supposed to get home." He scracthed his neck. "So, uh, your mom isn't home?"
"She's on another business trip." I said. "Left this morning."
"Oh," He said. "So, when was I going to hear about this job of yours?"
"I told you about it." I said.
"Yeah, but you never talked about getting a job ever. And suddenly this happens. It jsut isn't like you." He said. "Your mom gives you money right?"
I nodded.
"Then why do you need a job?" He said. "Don't kids get jobs for money."
I looked down at the ground. "I just wanted something to do. I mean you're always out doing something and when I'm not with you I'm jsut sitting at home being..." I looked at him. He didn't understand. "You don't get it." I said quietly.
"No, I'm trying to, it's just-"
"Dave it's fine. I just got a job." I said.
He looked at me suddenly very shakily. "You're acting so different. This isn't you." He said. "You aren't this person. Did something happen?" I wanted to say everything. But I didn't. I kept my mouth shut. I didn't want to tell him how much regret was eating away at me or how badly i've always wanted a job but never gotten one. And now that I did it took my mind off of everythign and I felt balanced I felt whole. I felt like I never had. I sewed my mouth shut.
"Nothing." I said. "Nothing, happened."
We stood in silence. The air was dry and cold. I could feel it moving through my bloodstream. I could only think about our five-month. And I felt sick and disgusting again. Like I was all raw inside. Nothing was left. He had ripped it all out of me.
"I love you so much Elisa." He said.
"I love you too." This came out. A bad habit. And he leaned in and kissed me. His lips agaisnt mine. "It's cold. Come on." I felt so guilty. I was being such a bitch. He followed me inside. And we went up to my room. And we started talking. He kissed me. And all of this guilt piled up again.
He was breathing softly. Asleep. I curled up far away from him. I hadn't slept with him. I stopped him and he had jsut lay there limp agaisnt me for a few hours. Now he was asleep. No matter how exhausted I was I couldn't. It was the coffee. Why did Becky make me drink coffee tonight. I remembered what Sean had said. About Bennett and his ex-girlfriend.
I didn't know if Bennett meant regret about her or Rainie. Maybe both. But I really couldn't piece that together in my head. Maybe he was just a jerk- Bennett. Using girls and all of that. Like he could be using me. Whatever he was doing I think it is working. I love Dave, I'm supposed to be with Dave. How dare he come along and play with me and take away the greatest thing to ever happen to me. I swallowed hard holding myself tighter. I am so dumb. He's Bennett Williams. What does he want with me? I rolled over. My body fitting along Dave's side. I loved Dave didn't I. I always did. He wasn't forcing me to sleep with him. I made that choice on my own.
This could have all been an act. I held Dave tight in my arms. Holding onto him tellin myself over and over again that I loved him and that when I woke up everything was going to be okay.
I couldn't sleep that night.
