Chapter 23
I wanted to turn around. My shins hurt from walking here. And my chest hurt altogether. I regretted pushing that doorbell. It had been no longer than three seconds. And I already wanted to turn and run. But I knew Dave would be at my house. Looking for me. And I was here. And my window to turn and run was gone because the door opened.
There was a greay-haired boy there. His flannel shirt had torn sleeves and he studied me up and down. "He's downstairs." He said without me even saying a word.
"Who?" I asked quickly.
"The kid here to play music. Downstairs." He said this like I was dumb. I nodded saying thank you but he just hsut the door behind me. I saw those stairs right across from me. And slowly I made my way towards them. My shins aching less and my pace a few steps shorter. But I made it slowly. Coming down into a crowded room. And for the frist time- even with The Bennett Williams being the focus I couldn't see him. I was too short. And there were too many people around us. I jsut heard drums, an acoustic guitar, and his voice. I should leave right now.
My head still hurt from spinning. I had been shot I knew I had been. It was Dave. How could he have done that? I didn't talk to Cas about this. I really couldn't. She tried but I just didn't let her. I held her at arsm length. And I was at home. Sitting in my room. Music not filling the emptiness inside of me. Wanting to run. Dave would show up five minutes or less. That's when I saw the address. Written in black colored pencil. I ended up there somehow. Standing and listening. The couple standing in front of me blocking any view I had. But a girl moved into the spot beside me. I had no place to move.
I looked at her. She was looking at me. It was strange. "Do you liek his music?" She asked.
She was gorgeous. The kind you always see in pictures and in magazines. She had pale skin and black hair that was long and perfect. She had these grey-blue eyes that shined. I could feel boys staring at her. She was so skinny. It was disgusting. It wasn't the anorexic type of skinny. It was the other kind. The kind that was just naturally really skinny. She had a gorgeous smile. It was the type of gorgeous even girls like Rachel would have ot admit was just unbelievable. I felt weird tohugh looking at her.
"Yeah," I said.
She nodded. "Me too." We both looked at the backs of the peoples heads in front of us. She was a few inches taller than me. She looked at me again. "I'm Rainie by the way."
"I'm Elisa," I said.
"Oh," She said smiling brighter. Her eyes shined so much suddenly. "You're Bennett's friend. He told me about you. It's nice to finally meet you." I wondered if I should say I've heard about her too. But we both jsut looked back towards where he was singing. He sounded amazing. "He's a good guy." I looked at her. She crossed her arms. "He's jsut been through a lot of stuff- I figure you heard what happened." She looked at me I saw her eyes were more grey. "But he's a great person. We all have skeletons in our closet, but out of all of us he let's the world see that most. And he is just a beautiful person. You're lucky he's really letting you get to know him."
I was shocked. Listening to her. Rainie Joseph who tried to get Bennett to sleep with her and was by far the most gorgeous girl in the entire state- was "putting a good word in" for Bennett. I've seen Cass do it a million times for Miles when he didn't have the guts to walk up to a girl and and talk to her. I didn't believe she was doing this after a few seconds. We both just listened. I came late. His text message said he started playing around seven forty five. But I left my house at 8:07. I missed most of his set.
I pushed my hair out of my eyes. The couple in front of me were standing very close. They really liked each other because they were talking quietly and smiling at each other a little.
"Rain!" We both looked over at the broad boy- Paul Spinella- the guitarist. He wasn't that scary. He waved to her and looked towards Bennett. She turned to me.
"Sorry, I have to go, but hey are you hanging around?" She asked.
"I don't know-" I really didn't. I would probably leave right after Bennett's set. He said it varied how long it lasted in his text message. I'd have to wait until I knew Dave would not be at my house because they were meeting up at the club around 8:30 now. Since they were playing at nine for now on. I didn't know why Paul was here though. He should be onstage right now.
"So, I'll see you around." She said smiling. It wasn't mean the way she said it. She was very friendly. And she said goodbye and went over to Paul. I watched them. He was watching Bennett not even noticing her. There were three boys watching her. Most of which I didn't recognize. Probably from idfferent towns. She looped her arms around Paul's neck he looked at her smiling. His slididng around her waist. That's when I saw it. They were in love. Like Bennett had always said. That's when I realized it: I didn't love Dave. I couldn't. I never did. Even after today.
Sean stopped playing with Bennett the moment that song ended. And Bennett started playing on his own. Playing cover songs. And he sounded amazing. I stood there in the back. Not even seeing him. And all I paid attention to was his voice. Rainie and Paul were gone. And suddenly he was playing his last song. Which was a cover of "Screaming Infidelities" by Dashboard Confessional. He was better than the original in my opinion.
The crowd split up. And I was pushed off to the side. These kids- although i looked and dressed just like them -were intimdating and I was just invisible. and I would have gone, but Bennett had seen me. "Elisa?"
I turned seeing him. A water bottle in his hand looking at me. And his face changed. To something so weird. But I could tell from far away. He knew. I walked up to him. "I jsut found out today." I said after a few seconds of silence.
And witohut a word he stepped closer to me. His arms moving around me. He held me close against him. He was warm and welcoming. He was my friend. He wasn't a boy. Or Bennett Williams. He wasn't a faggot. And he wasn't trying ot break me and Dave up. He was just there. Offering me a friend and someone to hold onto.
"Do you want to talk about it?" He asked when he let go.
I didn't know what to say at first. Then he asked a simpler question. "Do you want me to get you a drink?"
I suddenly felt different looking at him. Nothing had changed. He was still my friend. And jsut that. But I jsut felt... something. Standing there looking at him. When our eyes met it was like I was shocked by somethign electical and my brain felt like it wasn't getting enough oxygen. "Sure," I said.
We ended up sitting on a counch facing the wall. It had probably been turned and pushed out of the way. But we sat facing each other. And somehow I just talked to him. He listened. Not just waiting to put in whatever comment he wanted. He listened. And when I finished he started talking. He's known since the day we first talked. And I relaized he had always known. From how he acted around me sometimes. He always seemed to have known. And he said that Dave was a dick. And he said things that made me feel better. Then we just started talking.
We had about three drinks each. And he made me stop thinking about Dave after I was all talked out about that. He had cheated on me with three different girls and was still doing it. I had a feeling he knew I knew. And Bennett and I just started talking. And we were just friends talking at a party when we were one drink away from getting drunk. And that feeling I had looking at him would not go away.
It was late. I saw the clock neither of us paid any attention to. And I started panicking. "I should go." I said. I got up but he stood in my way. He was so much taller than me. Not by two feet. But I always felt like he was so much bigger than he was. From my point of view he was. But suddenly I was jsut looking up at him. And he was looking at me. His eyes in a different language as they always were.
"I'll walk you home." He said. I pushed my bangs behind my ears weighing everything out. "I'm going home to, I'll be walking by you're street anyway."
"Okay," I said. I smiled a little. "sure."
And he smiled at me. Nobody seemed to notice us leave. We just did. Nobody seemed to care. But we were jsut walking in the middle of November together. It was cold-ish. And we were quiet. All we heard were our footsteps. Echoing off the pavement. No matter how quietly we were walking they were all I could hear. "Elisa." He said. I looked at him through the dark. "I know I've said this before. And I'm sorry I keep saying this. But you're such a beautiful person... someone like Dave, if he can't see that and he can do somethign liek this to you, then he really doesn't deserve you. You're one of those people who... I don't know. I mean I feel like I know you so well. I don't know why. I jsut feel like with someone like you, you shouldn't be wasting your time with someone who can't see that. I mean, when I see you guys, he jsut overshadows you. Like you're not even there. With someone like you- when you're with the right person that shouldn't happen. I don't even know how he can do that."
"It's how I am." I said quietly.
"No," Bennett said. "Elisa, you have to be one of those amazing people that nobody can ever forget. I mean, I barely know you and I think that. And if you seriously loved Dave he would see that, and nobody- as shitty as a person Dave is- would ever let someone like you slip by."
I was quiet. I felt his eyes penetrating the darkness. Watching me. I remained quiet as we passed another street. "I'm breaking up with Dave." I said.
Bennett didn't answer. I could barely see him. There were no stars in the sky. The clouds even hid the moon. Either that or it was just gone. And in the shadows I just knew by the osund of his footsteps that he was walking beside me still there. Listening to my voice replay over and over again as they hung silently by the invisible stars.
We stopped under a streetlight.
To say goodbye. He slide his hands into his pockets. "Are you okay?" He asked me.
I looked at him a little trying to understand what I could answer this with. I smiled when our roles were once reversed. "I think so." He remembered to, because he smiled a little too. His eyes falling to the ground. And then he looked at me again. His face going back to a natural stare. His skin was washed out under the light. We stood right in the center of it. But his eyes lost no color, they were still the sweet soft brown not even losing one of the layers that shaded what he was thinking from me.
"So I guess this is goodbye." I said quietly. My voice in a whisper. The silence was finally beating me.
He nodded. "Goodbye." But neither of us moved a muscle. We stayed where we were. Just lookign at each other. after a few seconds. I started thinking he was probably waiting for me to move first. To walk away. But i was just standing there looking at him. I decided I should move and hope this situation didn't get really awkward and strange.
But he beat me.
He stepped closer to me. Covering more space than I ever thought one step could. But I realized we hadn't been that far apart in the first place. His hands were warm on my skin. They were barely against it, but they were there. And suddenly all I could think of was Dave. Seeing an image of him in my head. Staring at me like the framed picture of someone long gone. I closed my eyes. In an attempt that Bennett would disappear, his touch suddenly fade form my skin. And I would open them and they'd be gone. My heart was beating fast sending blood through my flesh.
Then suddenly his lips were soft against mine. I didn't tihnk it was possible but my heart started beating, as if turned on alike a machine taking over my mind and body. Dave was gone. And all I could do was keep my eyes closed. My hands moved to his hair. And I kissed him back. All of this energy exploded between both of us. On either end there had to have been something that was ignited bursting within us. In the middle of November. I never felt something like this before. My mind was racing and my heart was so alive.
And we let this feeling last as long as we could. Before our foreheads were leaned agaisnt each other. Catching our breathe slowly. It had been lost within us. And his eyelids flickered open. I didn't know what jsut happened. He kissed the corner of my mouth. It was soft. I turned my lips to find his. I wasn't sure what I was doing or feeling.
We ended up outside a red door.
He kissed me softly before the door opened and we slipped inside. Unheard and unnoticed by anyone. And all I felt was my hand in his. And I followed him into the dark, not knowing what light would be waiting at the end of it. Just knowing the last light I had seen was a streetlight.
His room was dark. And he found my face. He was just a shadow to me. His lips were soft against mine. And I closed my eyes. Not believing if this was real. But somehow it was. nothing had been more real before this to me. And we were jsut kissing in the quiet. My legs brushed something soft. And we both felt back. Not knowing where we would land. But we trusted each other. And we could always find out way back out.
"I should go." I said softly. His heartbeats filling my ear. I hadn't slept with him. I'll put that on the record. I'm not even sure how this happened. But it was late. I had been trying ot come up with sometihng to say for the last ten minutes. Worryied about his parents hearing me or sneaking out. I couldn't stay here long. But I was close to falling asleep. I thought he was but he answered me right away.
"No," He said softly. "Few more minutes." He was whispering. His voice tired and soft. Faint. I started to get off of him. My arm reaching down to find my shirt. I covered myself with it. We had done everything from the waist up. I was getting off but he kissed me. "No, don't go, Elisa." He said my name the way he always did but it sounded different to me. Like I hadn't heard a certain element that was hidden every time he said it. His hands were warm on my skin.
"I have to go." I said softly agaisnt his lips. I started getting off of him. His hand found mine in the dark. He held on for a few seconds. But he let go. And I slipped away.
I slide on my bra, sitting on the edge of his bed reaching back. He moved so I was sitting in between his legs. The same way Dave and I had when we studied. But I didn't think of that. It was Bennett. His hands took over redoing my clasp. And then he slid his hands around my waist pulling me back agaisnt him. "Why do you have to go?" He whispered into my neck.
"You're parents are going to hear me." I said. So quietly.
"No," He said. His voice changed a little. "My parents are divorced. My mom works nights at the hospital."
I sat there quietly. "I still have to go." I said.
He didn't answer this time. I got up. He let me slip through his hands again. I slide my shirt on over my head. Then I pulled on my sweatshirt. And stepped into my shoes. He sat there. Staring blankly at the floor. I stood there for a few seconds waiting for him to say something. "so, I guess this is goodbye." I said finally.
He nodded. No response.
He was using me. I turned to leave. "I'm never doing this again with you." He said.
I turned. He pulled his t-shirt over his head. He sounded so cold. I jsut looked at him for a few seconds. "What?" My voice was so quiet.
"Look, I get it," He stood up. Fixing his shirt a little more. "You're boyfriend- the guy you were in love with -cheated on you. And then you find me. Story of my life. It's just," Then I understood everything. Christine. Rainie. Any rumor I ever heard about him using girls. It all made sense. "This jsut happens to me over and over again. I bring it on myself. It's not that I don't like you, Elisa," He was getting softer and quieter. His voice sounding so vulnerable and hurt. "I like you so much. I just can't do this anymore- especially with you. I don't want to be your key to revenge or your little fling. I'm sick of being that. I want ot be the guy that punches the sense out of that person. I need this to be more than that."
By then I was standing close to him. Waiting for him to finish. He looked at me. So hurt so scared. I knew just what he was thinking somehow. And I was never so sure about something ever. It all was jsut falling into place. I leaned up and kissed him softly. A voice came out of me. Somethign I didn't recognize. It was someone else speaking through me.
"This means everything."
A/N: When I chekced my e-mail and saw that I had five reviews I was out of my mind. I was smiling like crazy. Reviews make me feel so freaking happy. This has to be one of my favorite part of any story I've ever written to write. Review please. I love hearing what you think more than anything. Reviews make updates come faster. :)
