Chapter 24
When my eyes opened I was still exhausted. I panicked. Not knowing where I was. Then a pair of arms wrapped around me. I moved in closer. I had tohught it was Dave. But he smelled different. And he was skinnier. And listening to his chest agaisnt my ear I jsut knew. And I stayed where I was. I remembered everything.
There was nothing said. We jsut relaized we were both awake. I didn't know what it would be like to see his face today. But I realized that the light at the end of the darkness was breaking through his blinds. Casting warm slits on my arm as well as his. We moved suddenly. He let go of me. And rolled onto his back, rubbing his eyes. "Goodmorning." He said sleepishly smiling at me a little.
"Hi," I said softly.
Then all of a sudden he kissed me. I thought about Dave. I had done just what he had done to me. Except I don't think it was nearly as bad. He had slept with different girls. Bennett and I had just hooked up. And somehow I think I had done it for the right reasons. Because kissing Bennett that morning made me feel warm and happy inside. I could have msiled for weeks if I wasn't thinking about Dave. Bennett moved to his side. His head resting on his upper arm- which was bent in upwards holding the top of his bed rest. He pushed hair out of my face and just looked at me. I couldn't tell what he was thinking.
He leaned forward closing his eyes kissing me one more time. His lips soft against mine. I wanted it to last forever again. We both got up. He put his shoes on as I did. Then he got his keys off of the table near a closet door. "I'll give you a ride home."
It was smart. Him giving me a ride home. Non of the neighbors would see me cutting across lawns with my hair proably a disgusting mess and my clothes form yesterday leavign a boy's house at eight in the morning. It would have been obvious to them what had happened. And my mother would be notified and then she'd expect me to tell Dave. Because I couldn't bring myself to tell her Dave cheated on me now when it was still frsh in my head.
But it didn't hurt anymore. Knowing he had cheated on me. I thought more about how I was going to break up with him than what had happened. Bennett stopped in my driveway. Next ot my car. We looked at each other for a few seconds. He smiled a little. "So, I guess this is goodbye."
"For real this time?" I asked smiling.
"Yeah," He said sighing. "Unfortunatly."
We still looked at each other not moving. He leaned in and kissed my forehead. Then we both said goodbye for real this time. I got out of his car. Looking back as he watched me walk up to my house. He waved a little. He didn't want me to go. Neither did I. But sometihng pushed me inside. With my own door between us. My big black one. I leaned my back agaisnt it. Sliding down to the floor. My house was silent. I looked around. It was the same as Bennett's had been. Except his wasn't half as bad because we weren't alone. We were together.
I closed my eyes hugging myself.
I fell hard for Bennett Williams. And he liked me back the same.
When I looked in the mirror I thought I looked older. I stayed in my house. Shut off from the world. Accumulating voicemails from Dave and not being able to bring myself to leave on for Bennett. Calling him and hanging up when I got to his voicemail. Avoiding Dave was so easy. I jsut didn't answer the door and parked my car in the garage. My mother was gone all weekend. Sunday night I went over Cass'.
"Thank god you're alive!" She said throwing her amrs around me. "I was going to go over and see if you died in your house someplace. where the fuck have you been?"
"Home," I said. "Is Miles here?" I stepped inside.
She shook her head. "Nah,"
I nodded. The door closing behind me. "I'm breaking up with Dave." I said.
"You haven't yet?" She asked.
"Well, I need to talk to someone first." I said, she saw me smiling a little. I tried to look serious. Not smile. She was waiting anxiously. "I talked to someone Friday, and I don't know, I think I need to talk to them before I break up with Dave."
Bennett. I needed to talk to him first. Because everythign was different now. I wasn't breaking up for Dave jsut for me any longer. A small part of myslef would be breaking up with Dave for me and Bennett. And if Bennett and I were more than just a hook-up and a Friday night then there was no doubt in my mind that I'd be breaking up with Dave for Bennett. Which was something I needed to figure out. And I needed to talk to him first. I didn't know what to tell Cass.
"Who?!?" She asked excitedly.
"Cassandra!" it was her mother. "Jesus, keep it down."
"Sorry!" She yelled back up to her mother.
"Who?" Without a word we went into her basement. I hadn't decided to tell her or not. She was my best friend. I wanted to tell somebody.
I swallowed. "I stayed over Bennett's house." It came out all wrong. Before I could reword it:
"What!?!" She said loudly. "You couldn't sleep with Dave and now Bennett Williams? Oh god-"
"No,no,no." I said. "It's not like that. We hooked up."
She wasn't as excited anymore. "You really like him, don't you?" She asked.
"Yeah,"
"Does he like you back?" She asked. "Miles said some people saw him leaving this party with Rainie Joseph on Friday."
I smield a little. "That was me."
We were sitting on the couch now. She hit the cushion with her hand. "No!" She said smiling. "He's so cute." And it was liek we were in middle school again. "how are you going to dump Dave then?"
"That's what I need to figure out."
The next day I left early for school. Hoping it would help me avoid Dave and find Bennett both. But it only helpd me avoid Dave. Everything I did was suppsoed to help me accomplish both. But somehow Bennett was avoiding me. In English his back was to me suddenly. We were busy finishing Catcher in the Rye so there was no time for me ot go up and talk to him. And at the end of English I had to rush out.
"Elisa!"
It was Dave's voice. Sometimes I hate being short. But running down the hallways away from that voice, I never took being a little short for granted. At lunch I sat outside with Cass and Miles. It was freezing cold but we sat outside for me. So Dave couldn't find me. And I couldn't find Bennett at lunches either. There were no signs of hm in my life anywhere. He had been unavoidable now he was gone. Dave was easier to avoid than Bennett.
I had a feeling Bennett hadn't believed what I had said that night. Maybe I was just another girl to him. Who used him.
But in my locker there was a CD at the end of the day. It said my name in the neatest messy handwriting you'd ever see. I rushed out to my car to avoid Dave. But when I put it into my car stereo I found Bennett.
"This Ruined Puzzle" by Dashboard Confessional.
At my shift at the coffeeshop I worked. Becky came in late. She looked at me grinning. "Hey," She said.
"Hi,"
She knew. I knew she did. She was all weird around me. Around five this big nice black car came parked in front of the window. A skinny girl came out. Followed by a much broader boy. It was Rainie. She came right in not waiting for Paul. Walking right up ot the register. "Hi," She said to me. "I'm so relieved I found you." She was out of breathe. "God," She slowed down her sentences. "I am so sorry about Friday night. I was totally talking him up to you and dropping hints like a complete toolshit would. I didn't know you are seeing someone. This has never happened to me before, please forgive me. And don't tell Bennett a single word I said. Pretend I never even said them."
I looked at her raising my eyebrows.
"Oh god, I screwed everything up again didn't-"
"No," I said shaking my head. "It's fine. I'm actually going to break up with my boyfriend soon."
She looked at me grinning. She turned to Paul who was standing by the door. "I hate it when you're right." She said to him. He just sighed smiling shaking his head. She turned back to me. "I'm so sorry again. This never happened?"
"No," I said smiling. "It didn't."
"Okay cool." She said. "So, um," She nodded smiling at me goofily. "I'll see you around." I smiled a little. Nodding. Saying goodbye.
She walked back over to Paul. "I told you so." I heard him say. I watched them go.
I remembered what Bennett had said to me. He wanted to be in a realtionship liek Paul. He wanted to be the one "to punch sense into" the type of person Bennett was right now. He wanted to be like Rainie and Paul to some extent. It was clear it was neat impossible to get to a relationship at their level. They were in love for real. I did too.
Becky came up beside me. "She's so dorky it's hysterical. Together they are hilarious to watch." She said. "One time they were talking about the Gap. He worked there I guess when they first started dating. What she was saying was just hysterical but he was jsut listening to her and smiling because he knew she was being completely ridiculous."
"They're perfect together." I said quietly. I felt comfortable to some extent around Becky. She played with her lip ring with her tongue. "I know." She said.
Then we went back to jsut working.
