Chapter 29
Cass turned around quickly when I slipped into the backseat. "Hi," She said grinning. "How's life?"
"Good?" I said my eyebrows folding together confused.
"And Bennett?" She said. Miles not reacting. He knew. Damnit Cass.
I swallowed. My mouth far from curling into a smile. I was getting good at pretending Bennett and I were just friends. I was perfecting it in fact. Tonight just a test. I didn't know what would happen. "Fine," I said. "Why?"
"Is he going tonight?" Miles asked. He looked at me through the rearview mirror. Smiling a little. Cass put him up to this.
I sighed sitting back. I crossed my arms. "Come on," I said. "You never gave me this about Dave or anyone in my entire life. Can you please not do this?"
"This is the first time I've seen you since you walked out of that auditorium." Cass said. "Did you tihnk I wouldn't slide in a few Bennett references here and there?"
I smiled a little. Looking down. We were already past the streetlight. And halfway out of Kerrington before Cass finally dropped Bennett as a conversation subject and moved on. But getting Bennett out of my head was nearly impossible. She played The Photo Album not knowing it existed before tonight. "Steadier Footing" was haunting me with thoughts about that night. When we first really talked. His eye was better now. Not even discolored at all to me anymore. I felt warm inside. Not knowing what would happen tonight if I saw him. What I'd do. Or feel. It was all going to be found out the moment it all happened.
I sat back waiting for the two minutes to pass before the song changed. But Bennett was like and annoying song stuck in my head. I was thankful it stayed in my head. I like him so much.
The club was pretty small from the outisde. The line covering a block full of emo kids. I didn't see Bennett. But we hung around with the kids Miles knew who let us cut us. It was all Kerrignton kids around us. Some I knew some I just recognized. I saw Rainie jospeh with Paul Spinella talking and standing close to each other.
Paul still scared me. But he looked so soft around Rainie. I wasn't paying much attention to them. I- although I would never say this outloud- was scanning all of the faces around me for the familiar one. Or the smile that made my stomach shake. The sight of him. And I got it quickly. His back to me. I saw his shoulders the back of his head from about ten feel away. That was enoguh for me to form a hypothesis. Tonight would be hard. I don't think I would be able to watch Death Cab with him.
So I stuck by Cass and Miles hoping if we did run into each other, he would feel somethign similar to me.
The venue was bigger than I thought. We were all crowded in. Smushed together to wait and talk and start a small fire with our body heat that only multiplied under the lights above us and being so close together with the heat on. I missed being outside in the cold. We could see our breathe outside. Now it felt like summer.
An hour later the first band was doing their set. I could barely see them. I hate being short. I got up on my toes. Peaking over people's shoulders, seeing the lead singer moving across the stage. They were really good. I was going ot have to listen to them later on when I got home. But their set ended quickly the show beginning earlier than planned. Cut short.
Cass was standign close to me. We listened to the first few bands. The third one she leaned into my ear in between the third band's set and Death Cab's. "Miles and I are getting water, hold our place." And in a flash her bright hair was gone. Miels a black shape pushing people out of the way as they vanished. I couldn't go with her. My voice dying in my throat. I hated being alone.
I was sick of it. I moved around a little. People swallowing up their space right after I got some room of my own. I was sick of being alone. I thought of Dave. He wouldn't have been here. I would have stayed home most likely if he wanted to do something. But I had nothing holding me down to him anymore. I was alone in a crowded room.
Someone slid through the crowd. Coming up brushing behind me. "Hi,"
I turned my head. He was smilign at me. I moved over instantly. Not to make room for him. To move away. Shocked he was here. Draining me of reality with his smiling. I smield a little my head spinning from him sneaking up on me. "Hey," I said.
He looked around me. "Are you alone?" He sked, his eyebrows going down.
"Oh, no." I said looking behind me. Hoping for a burst of orange hair to emerge from the crowd or in the lights that washed it paler. "My friends are getting water. I had to hold their spot."
He smiled at me when I looked at him. "I saw you earlier." He said. "I didn't know if I should have gone up and said hello. I figured now would be perfect. I was scared you were alone."
I smiled. "Why would you be scared?" I asked.
He shrugged. "Scared was a euphamism for hoped." He said grinning. "I thought we were going to watch the show together."
I was smiling still. My face used to start aching whenever I smield this big for this long. But it didn't. It felt right to be smiling helplessly at Bennett. It felt like I was supposed to and I was genuine about it. "You said we should just watch Death Cab together." I said.
He smiled. "Arms length, remember?"
I laughed a little. And the lights dimmed. We both turned to the stage delayed. In the dark I could still see his unreadable eyes as two black marbles that shined in front of me. I wondered if he could see mine.
We were standign outside against the building. We had nailed being friends in public with only one slip. His hands were so warm. He held my hand during one of the songs. Only because it was that song and Transatlanticism he said made him think of me. But nobody would have known. Nobody.
We were talkign about the show. He said I had to re-listen to one of Death Cab's early records because I had no idea. But orange hair filled the corner of my eye. Not long before Cass was calling my name not sure if she should approach me and Bennett. I turned.
"Hey, you ready to go?" She asked. "Miles already started the car, I promised I would meet him."
"I could give you a ride home." Bennett said suddenly. I turned back to him. He was sure. Not bluffing. "Sean and Becky just needed a ride here, they're going to IHOP later but I was going home, I could drive you."
"Are you sure that's okay with you?" I asked. I wanted to go with Bennett. We were still talking.
"It's perfectly fine with me, it's up to you. I get it if you want to go with your friends." He said.
I turned to Cass. "Bennett can give me a ride home." I said.
She smiled, not caring at all. Winking. "Ok-ay," She said and then she was gone.
I turned back to Bennett. We were just friends walking to his car. Still talking. "Hey, Bennett!" We both turned looking. It was Rainie smiling and waving at him. She winked noticably. Only a few feet away. Her fingers interwined with Paul's. He lifted a hand into a wave looking at both of us equally. I looked at Bennett, but he was just smiling . Not saying anything to either of them but jsut looking at me and looking down.
"She figured it out." He said under his breathe.
I smiled a little. I really can't help it whenever he's with me. "How?"
We were at his car before he answered me. He cleaned some CDs off of the front seat dumping them in the back. They weren't ones he's been listening to a lot lately. I noticed. Because he admitted outside of the club he was listening to Dashboard Confessional, Death Cab and The Get Up Kids' early stuff.
"Before Paul punched me I told her about you. And I work with Paul at the CD store at the mall..." He started backing out. The stereo remaining empty. As he dodged a couple of silhouettes walking behind his car. "And she asked me about you since apparently she talked me up for you. Which I didn't believe..."
"She did," I said smiling looking out the window. "She put in a good word for you."
"So I owe this all to her, huh?" He said grinning looking at me.
"I don't know, maybe." I said.
He leaned across me opening the glove compartment and taking out a record caught in a line to get out of the parking lot. "I told her if you don't mind." He handed the CD to me. This was natural. He couldn't put it in, we were moving now. "And Paul asked me about it."
"Paul?" I asked looking at him.
He looked back. "He's cool," He said suddenly knowing what I meant.
I put the CD into the stereo. Hitting play. "I've only told Cass." I said. He knew Cass by now. Seen her now for sure. Theres no way of missing her but now he had a name and a face. "And my sister."
"You have a sister?" He asked. "I didn't knwo that."
The music started playing. I looked at the CD cover. The Get Up Kids. Four Minute Mile. It sounded so familiar. "Yeah," I said putting the CD back into the glove compartment. "Her name's Amber. She was the reckless daughter I guess. Her and my mom don't get along at all anymore. She was all torn up about my dad leaving when she was still home that her and my mom just sort of stopped getting along and haven't ever since."
"What happened when you're dad left?" He asked in a quiet voice. "You've mentioned it but never said too much about it."
I thought abotu whether or not I should tell him. I never told this to anyone. But there was something about Bennett. I trusted him. I swallowed. "I don't know. I was most like him and we were both really quiet and Amber and my mom really butted heads a lot they were so alike. And my mom was getting so upset about what Amber was doing. She was sneaking out and drinking and she had a new boy every week. It stressed my mom out and then one morning my dad just... left. I mean he said goodbye and everything. But he just pakced up his things and walked out of the house and was gone. I don't know what happened to him. He's just... gone." I was slow saying all this. Forcing it all out. I felt some small closure within me. I had finally said something about it to someone. I never told this to Cass. Or even talked about it with my own sister and mother. It was just kept inside of me.
He was quiet for a few minutes. Taking this all in.
"My parents got divorced when I was born. I was a mistake I think or some pathetic attempt to sve whatever they called a marriage. And I never met my dad. Well I have talked to him on the phone. He lives a few towns away. But I can't forgive him. He just cut himself out of my life and left my mom alone. We had no money when I was little. We moved here and my mom got her job. And my dad called. I was a freshman. I don't know- I could play baseball and shit and everything but hearing him coming into my life suddenly through a phone screwed me up. Now... here I am."
"You're not screwed up." I said.
He just looked ahead at the highway. "He calls me sometimes. Like Thursday he called. Happy Thanksgiving. I don't know... he just pushed me over the edge sometimes. We're alright though. I used to hang up on him when he called me. But I figure he's my dad might as well take what he's giving me. I don't know what I'd be like if he didn't call."
I asked quietly: "What do you think you'd've been like?"
He smiled a little. "I'd be playing baseball," He said. "Let's put it that way."
I smiled a little. "I can't see that." I said.
"Me neither." He said smiling. "Sean says he can, but I think I'm to tall to play baseball. I'm too awkward too."
We listened quietly listening to a song or two over again. The song changed on it's own and I felt my face change. I looked over and saw him watching my face. Waiting to hear my reaction. "This is that song?" I asked.
He nodded, looking back ot the highway. He leaned in and hit pause. "It's better when you listen to it with the lyrics." He said. I reached out and got the CD out again taking the lyrics flap out and opening the booklet turning to the page this song was on.
"Last Place You Look," I said.
He hit play again it started from the beginning. And I was reading the lyrics along with it. Him sitting silently just picking the words out on his own. My eyes darting across the little page. When it finished we were at the stopsign right near our streets. I looked at him. Leaning in and kissing him. My heart picked up speed in seconds. When I opened my eyes he was right there. Smilign at me a little.
He drove me home. I saw my garage was empty. My sister's car was gone too. So we just sat there for a few minutes. Saying goodbye. But neither of us moved. This time I beat him. Kissing him. Pressing my lips against his. He closed his eyes. And when we pulled away. He looked at the little clock on the dashboard.
We ended up behind a red door.
We didn't kiss that long. Only a little while. He put on The Photo Album on his record player and we lay on his bed. Our shoulders agaisnt each other. And we listened and pointed out things we were thinking of or liked. Sometimes he'd just kiss me or take my hand right before certain lines we sung.
It was so late it felt like I was jsut dreaming. This couldn't be real. I was never this happy. I didn't deserve to be this happy. This was Bennett Williams. I was laying there next to Bennett Williams his fingers in between mine. I tihnk that's what always made my head spin.
He walked me home again. It was getting colder. Frozen pieces of water started falling halfway home. And he stopped and smiled. And I was too. And he just kissed me. His breathes warming my lungs as they were cut of off oxygen. By the time I was at my front door I was shivering. My teeth chattering. But a smile was frozen on my face by something not temperature related. And in the midst of it all I was warm inside.
I turned around seeing him looking back at me smiling a little. His mouth curling up. "See you Monday," He called.
"Call me sometime before." I said.
"Tonight," He said. "I promise."
"Goodnight." I said.
"Goodnight."
His image was burned into my head. Him standing. Tall and skinny as ever. Smiling and shaking in the same way I was. But inside I could see it expolding inside of his unreadable eyes. He was feeling the same way I was. Warm. Happy. Our stomachs both shaking. Winter coming in slowly. Another checkmark of another year. Not remembering that Monday would be a huge checkmark for both of us and whateber it was that was manifesting within us each time we were together. I had found it in the song the "Last Place You Look" by The Get Up Kids just that night.
I found that feeling in everything he touched in my life after that.
A/N: This story was not named for that song it was just this song I was listening and found out what the title meant to me. And how that differs form what I named it for in the first place. Review Review Review. I work to hard to have any 0s on my Story Stats. Just kidding :P But please.
Is anyone listening to the songs and bands I am putting into this?
