Chapter 30
Some things you never see coming. You are blinded by them or jsut keep yuorself from thinking about them. These past few days I've been so happy. So strong. When I walked down that hallway to my locker I felt all of that get pushed behind me shortly. People looked at me. Everyone. People who didn't even know who I was. Never talked to me. They knew.
In hushed voices they retold the story. About how I was in love with that Dave kid while he had been cheating on me with three girls. Maybe more embellished than that. I looked around. A deer caught in the headlights. Nobody was there to absorb the attention. It was overwhelming for me. I wanted to die. The looks weren't harsh, they all felt bad for me. I was cheated on. I was innocent. but the fact I was being recognized for that made me feel sick. I wanted to run. But I kept my head down.
Nobody was there to save me.
At my locker I did my conbination. Opening it. Cass sielnt beside me aware of people all around me. "Elisa!" I turned too hopefully. The voice losing the dead giveaway to who it was over the crowd. "Elisa."
He looekd the same. The same cute boy who I onced loved. Dave. I turned back to my locker right away. Snapping my neck foreward with such severity it ached the next mroning I swear. My neck had been notted. Sending a shocking numb feeling all the way down to my stomach. I had been struck by lightening of some sort. Somehow I had shocked myself with something inside of me. It was a shocking pain. It was Dave.
"Elisa," He said sounding less ocnfident. People were tuning in to watch. Nobody I knew. He touched my shoulder blade. I jerked away. Feeling this energy giving me anough feeling to turn towards him. Glaring at him. So coldly, I felt the freezing look poking out of my eyes sharply. Shooting knives out of them. He inched back. "Can we talk please." He said quietly.
The halls got softer. Girls payign attention preparing to break into conversation later about all of this. About how Dave approached me. I hated it. Everyone's eyes sticking to me like hot wax. It burned and was painful. I wanted it to go away. But Dave just started talking. Cass turning her head to listen.
"Look, you don't get it. I love you Elisa. I didn't cheat on you. I would never do that-"
"Shut the fuck up." It was Cass. She gave him the death stare.
He looked form me to her from me to her. "I'm sorry," He said to both of us. "Elisa, I really want to talk about everything. I love you so much."
I started wlaking down the hallways slamming my locker. My head down. Around the corner my books fell to the ground. Myself bouncing off to the floor with them. I jumped down getting them. But when I looked up my eyes were wide. For the first time somethign was so deafening within me I didn't feel anything looking at him. He looked at my face. Seeing somethign was wrong. He handed me my books. "What happened?" He asked me.
This was worse than anything. Running away from Dave. The whole hallways tuning in to the dramatic show that was our first showdown as ex-boyfriend and ex-girlfriend. The first "I love you, can't we talk, I miss you, take me back" conversation- and hopefully the last. The hate boiling within me towards Dave. And here I was walking in to Bennett fucking Williams. The greatest thing to happen to me and at the same time the worst.
Because nothign starts people talking more than when the student body legend Bennett Williams asks you what's wrong and looks concerned. Not just concerned- worried, interested, like he cares.
I swallowed hard but he put it together beofre I managed to put a simple word in place in my head. He looked at Dave. It didn't make it worse. It jsut made Dave suspicious. Because although his eyes were unreadable. I think Dave knew Bennett was glaring at him. Such hatred only recognized by me becuase I had seen it before the talent show tryouts when Bennett stood up to Dave.
I took my books from Bennett looking up at him. "Thank you,"
"No problem." He said looking at me. His eyes caring so much.I jsut bgan decoding them.
And I was gone. From the worst and best people to ever some into my life. It's just hard figureing out which one they were.
In English I finished The Great Gatsby, Bennett did not approach me once in that class but sat facing me watching me carefully as the movie played. His eyes traveling across the room. Hollowing out the pain in my chest. Left over from Dave. I hated him so much.
Seeing Dave again. I realized how much I had run from all of this. It had somehow eaten me away inside. Replaying our five-month, the Friday morning, hearing the details, and the break-up. Dave wasn't giving up on me. That's what I hated the most about him. All I felt was hate. Regret weighing me down finally. I regretted seeing him. Not saying anything to Bennett in the halls. Not running. Looking up and seeing Dave thinking- so stupidly- the voice calling my name- with such a boun,ce happiness, relief- was Bennett. The boy sitting across from me in English who had silently potected me.
I never have wanted to take back so much. Why did all of this happen to me? The worst was people knew. They knew about me and Dave. The only thing I had for only me left was Bennett and the secrets I had told him. Everythign about Dave was written everywhere in those pitying faces I passed in the hallways. As the day went on it got worse.
Because to them, my mouth sewn shut, my eyes glued to my shoes, was a sign of wallowing. Not over my first love. Not knowing I had had sex with him when I didn't want to. Cheated on him with the Bennett Williams. And dumped him because the song Bennett had written and won half the female student body's hearts with was about me.
In the halls. I saw Bennett passing my locker with Sean. Girls automatically went into secret hinting mode. "Hi Bennett, hi Sean." Flaunting of everything. But his sweet brown eyes casting a glance over at me as I watched him slowly, to others it was him feeling sorry for me. He wanted to talk to me. But what I was worried about most was Dave popping up trying to begin ex-boyfriend/girlfriend confrontation two.
And as quickly my day went by. I tried to lay low. Hiding anywhere Dave might find me. I ate lunch inside with Cass and we sat there quietly. My eyes staring down and hurt. I wanted to cry. I wanted something. But Cass didn't know what. I don't think she ever would know.
The note in my locker told me somebody did. Dave's going ot be waiting for you after school
Someone cared. I knew they did.
I listened to the person who gave me that not. I went to the library. Sitting taking a copy of Catcher in the Rye with me to one of those tables kids are tutored at. And I began reading. Page one. Replaying what Bennett had said about the beginning in our conversations and the class ones. Keeping him in my mind.
And like he had all weekend alongside Death Cab For Cutie and The Get Up Kids, he made me forget I was cheated on. My heart wasn't busted open in my chest anymore. It was healing. But I figured it take just as long as his eye. Slowly and surely it would lose it's bruises it's wounds- my heart- and it would heal. It just didn't right away like I had been mistaken it had.
