I Screamed For You

****

I try to remember to forget you

But I break down every time I do

It's left me more than zero

Being down and bruised…

Cuz everywhere I look I can see how you hold him

How long till this goes away??

****

Chapter 2: Left with nothing in the world

****

A/N: How are you liking it so far… don't forget to review… I always wanna know what your thinking… Advice? I'm still writing it all up so let me know! REVIEW!!!!!!

I walked slowly through the woods. Bella was at my house again. What surprised me in this? She knew I wouldn't come back. She hoped I would but she knew. I didn't understand why she didn't just go off and be happy with her damn leech… she wanted him soooo bad, why not go be happy with the murderer now?? I sat down underneath a tree and stared at my arm. At all the scars and wounds that she had carved into me with every move she made. I had an unnecessary countdown until the day she gave her life away to the bloodsucker. Seth was going. He wanted me to go with too, but I knew it wasn't a good idea to watch the whole un-natural process go on. Its like marrying a heap of mashed potatoes… you eat them. Its dinner. He'd probley just end up killing her in the process of changing her. I involuntarily shivered. I could see red. I didn't wanna phase, Leah was there… Leah was ALWAYS there… her and her bitter thoughts, hating Emily, I could see where she was coming from though. so I tried to avoid her, so I couldn't sympathize with her. I didn't wanna feel sorry for anyone but myself. I dug through my pockets until I found the silver object I was looking for. It had become a ritual of sorts for me. Every time I felt bitter I would just drag it across my arm a few times until I was numb to whatever it was that was bothering me… I watched the blood drip down onto the leaves and debris underneath me. Nothing seemed to surprise me anymore. Not even the amount of blood. It seemed like death would almost help me right now. I decided to listen to everything in the wilderness. I listened to the people inside houses, I wasn't that far from home. I never was, I listened to people at the beach. It was rough water today I could hear the tide slamming against the rocks, I could hear people yelling to each other, I could hear birds, deer, dogs, cats house animals, wild animals, and cars. I was listening so hard that the sudden start of a familiar vehicle startled me. It was Bella. I knew it was. I pushed hard to keep my body in the same shape, the red fog smoldered around my entire body trying to find an entry to make me into what made me inhuman. I fought against it. I could hear her voice

"Well if you see him… Tell him…" I didn't want to listen so I childishly put my hands over my ears humming to myself. I didn't wanna know anything she had to say. The red fog shimmered over my entire body I was tremoring so hard that the tree behind me was quivering. I closed my eyes and moved my hands to my temples

"I will Bella, and he will come home…" and with that I blew up into a wolf I put my head back and howled so loud it hurt my own ears. I took off running. This is the last time I would be anywhere near when Bella was around. I didn't wanna hear what she had to say, and I didn't wanna know that she was in La Push, I wanna just pretend she's dead, she will be in less than a week, the filthy leech would slip up and kill her, all for his own thirst…

Jake… please come home. I know your there… we all heard you… please… Billy misses you, and so does the pack… everyone wants you back… I heard Sam's voice. Didn't they understand that I wanted silence… I wanted my own head? I wouldn't have phased if it hadn't have been forced upon me. I didn't even wanna be this monstrosity…

I'm not going home… you all can stop worrying, stop missing me… its all over… I'm staying gone. I cant go back…

But you can… we all want you back… please Jake… please come back

I'm not going anywhere…

Bella misses you.

I don't care…

Yes you do… I know you do.

I don't care if she misses me… she chose the bloodsucker, now let her have him. Tell her to just leave me alone. I don't need her as a baby sitter. I don't need anyone… I have what I need.

Jacob…

Just leave me alone.

I ran as fast as I could through the woods, ignoring the thoughts of everyone elses… it was hard to concentrate with everyone thinking about me… I stopped and phased out. I didn't wanna hear their thoughts about missing me and worrying about me… and all their sentimental shit. I sat down next to a tree and pulled out my blade, one for hearing her voice, one for hearing Billy's promise to tell me and one for phasing unwantedly all I could hear here was my own thoughts and the sounds of the deep woods. I closed my eyes and drifted away with sleep

When I woke I was laying on the cold ground. There was dried blood on my arm and a mud caked razorblade laying next to me. I picked it up and wiped off the bloody mud and put it in my pocket. I didn't wanna run, but I didn't wanna just sit. So I stood up and started walking through the woods it was dark now I didn't know how long I had slept but it didn't really matter when I had nothing else to do anyways. There was a light summer breeze I looked up the stars were perfect tonight. 15 days. I thought to myself. It didn't matter. But it did all in the same. It shouldn't matter. But it did… the constant ache in my wrist reminded me that it mattered to me… deep inside it mattered. Because no matter where I looked, no matter what I thought she was ever present in my mind. She was always there. Haunting, screaming, no matter what I did I would never forget her, there was nothing that mattered to me more than her. nothing, I repeated to myself. I phased and started running through the woods. I didn't know where I was going. But I knew I wanted to go there… further from her? closer to her? did it matter?

Jacob… It was Leah

I ignored her and ran faster why did she have to be here every damn time I phased? Couldn't I just run all by myself in silence

That's what I wanted too Jacob. I wanted to run away, be alone. But it never helped… nothing did…

Wait… why could she hear all this?

I can hear it because your weaker than you were when this first started… your loosing Jacob Black… your becoming someone else

Good that's what I wanted… wasn't it? I wanted to be a wolf, just a wolf, choose this form over the other.

It will never work Jacob…

Ooh Jesus Christ… could you just shut the fuck up? I wanna run in silence… do you not get it?

I get it plenty… but I know from experience that its never gonna work. Have you forgotten who you are… What you are? You are a protector. You should be with the rest of the pack protecting… and no matter what you will never be in silence… because there has to be someone watching over the tribe. Since apparently you don't give a damn.

I'm not… not anymore… and I give a damn… just… I'm not willing to dedicate my entire life to it anymore…

It was what you were born to Jacob…

I don't care… people are born to fame and riches everyday, and not all of them take to it…

Whatever Jacob… do what you want… wallow over her… whatever… she will be dead soon enough

I decided not to answer. So I concentrated on her not hearing everything I said. I stopped and phased that was the only way I could know for sure she couldn't hear what I was thinking. I leaned against the nearest tree dug out the only thing that mattered and cut myself. This was what my life consisted of now. Nothing else should really matter.