Chapter 33
I sat in his car not saying anything. He looks at me. Reaching out moving the hair hiding my face from him behind my shoulder. "Elisa." He said. "It isn't that bad."
I look down still. Swallowing had. "You don't get it." I say. My voice surprising me.
"I don't get what?" He asks. Not surprised or scared or worried. There is nothing like that I can pick out of his voice. It's still soft and gentle. His fingers move in between mine. He moves closer to me.
"Look at yourself." I say looking at him. "Your Bennett Williams. God, I've heard more stories about you than anyone in the entire town. I'm not liek that. I can't handle attention. I hate it. I want people to jsut not know. I don't want people pressing about parts of my life. My personal life. I dn't want everyone to know about me breaking up with Dave and I don't want them to know about us. There were ten girls hoping I would drop dead at that one party. Just because I could have been hooking up with you or we could have had something more."
I was hurting him. His eyes spelled that out for me. But it was the truth. He swallowed. "So, if tonight had never happened and nobody ever found out about us you'd rather jsut have nobody know." He said slowly.
"No," I said looking foreward. "I just I don't want people to know everything about how I cheated on Dave with you and how I dumped him for you and me."
"Then what did you expect to happen Elisa?" He asked.
"Not this." I said.
He was quiet. Not saying anything. The silence ate me away. I was about ot say something he beat me. "Do you want me to stay away form you for a little while?" He asked.
I hesitated, and he let go of my hand. Moving his fingers into a weak fist on his lap. We both looked foreward. Not saying anything. I tried to decide what I wanted. But what I wanted seemed so far away. I looked at him. His eyes wide open like they had been when I started to leave the first Friday. I blinked. He didn't vanish. I didn't want this to go on like this. I swallowed hard. "Bennett," He looked at me. "I don't want to have to go to school Monday. I don't want to lose this because of that."
He blinked. It was almost too dark for me to see his eyes. "Why are you so scared of them?" He asked suddenly.
"Who?"
He didn't answer just studying my face. His eyes searching mine desperatly. I recognized the look in his eyes. It was something I always felt trying to read his eyes. I never could. Neither could he. I wanted to cry suddenly. I hated this. Fighting with him.
He touched my face. His fingers cold on my skin. I realized how cold it was in here. In his car. The snow making it much brighter in here than it should be an the engine being shut off let the cold air creep inside. And the silence unbearable. He pushed my bangs out of my eyes. Just looking at me. "I like you so much, Elisa. I care about you more than anyone. I can't stand seeing you live like this," He said slowly and softly. "You always looked so scared before I talked to you."
I just looked at him. My face expessionless. I just listened. And suddenly he leaned in and kissed my forehead. "I want you to figure out what you want Elisa." He said. "You don't need to tell me now or at all. I just want you to figure out what it is you want."
"So, I guess this is goodbye?" I asked softly.
"For tonight." He said.
His face was so close to mine. Inches. He leaned in and I did too. I kissed him. My eyes closed. My lips moving agaisnt his. And then he moved his face back holding mine where it was. And he just looked at me. His eyes sweet and brown. I moved away form him finally. Letting myself ge out of the car. I was halfway up the walk when he started the engine.
I knew what I wanted by then.
Monday. It was the same as it was the Monday after the Variety Show. But worse. Everyone talked in hushed voices. I walked down a hallway I wasn't familiar with. Everyone talking in hushed voices. I tried to push that out of my head. But my hands were shaking and my cheeks were burning even tohugh I couldn't blush. And my head was spinning. I tired to keep one thing in my head. And that's it.
What I wanted.
