I Screamed For You
Heavens waiting for you
Just close your eyes and say goodbye
I live my life in misery
Ide sacrifice this world
To hold you
Chapter 4 ½: with you here
A/N: sorry if my writing is a little bit bad. I am having a really hard time writing recently. Lol
I sat in the Rabbit watching the water flow by me in the river. The radio was on full blast. Some angry music that used to never hold appeal to me suddenly told the story of my life. I watched the water hitting against the rocks wearing on them year after year, I suddenly resented my mom, for leaving me and my sisters to take care of my father, and my sisters for leaving just me to take care of him. And I refused to go back there now. I couldn't stand to be in that house. It suffocated me every time I was even near it. I was considering just leaving Forks. Never ever coming back. I could just leave the wolf behind me. Bella would be one of them in 3 short days. And I would have to just let her go. Forget everything we had. and everything we could have been. I could have given her everything. Maybe not riches and looks. But I could have made her happier and she didn't have to change to be happy with me. she could have just been Bella. not a leech. She would have had about 60 years to be happy with me. just like every other normal human being would. I could feel the lump rising higher and higher in my throat. But I fought it off
I stared adoringly towards my massacred arm. It was just shreds pretty much. My entire arm was shredded. I smiled to myself. Leaning back in my car. My dad had looked at me funny when I had walked in the house
Jake? My father yelled from the kitchen
Yeah… I muttered bitterly
Why are you here?
I'm not staying
Well of course not. Because you would have to care about your tribe for you to stay
I care. they don't need me. they have others. I had spat the words at him like poison
Bella called
I'm sure she did. I mumbled the words as I went through all of my drawers. I found a shaving razor and put it in my pocket and I grabbed a pair of pants and jumped out the window
I twirled the shiny razor in my hand and played with it looking at it lovingly. I looked at the clock on the dash it was 1:00 in the morning. I hadn't slept since I passed out. I didn't need it much. Considering what I was I didn't need much sleep. Just another reminder that I wasn't good enough for her.
I snarled unexpectedly. the animal in me fought harder than it ever had in the past few days I didn't wanna feel the pain in that body I just wanted to be angry about it. I would rather feel anger than memory of her smile taunted me. just a memory that she was happy without me.
I started the car and started driving
I was there before I even registered I was going there. The white house stared back to me. I didn't wanna see it. But in a way I needed to see it. I parked the car and went to the front key using the keey from under the eves I unlocked the door and came in I could smell her. again with the mix of strawberry shampoo and vampire. Mixed in with her own flowery scent. I walked to her room she jumped
"Jacob…" she said relived
"Yeah… its me" I said dumbly.
"I didn't think you would come"
"I wasn't gonna"
"Sit. Please…" she patted the bed next to her. I walked to her side and sat down in the bed with her awkwardly
"So what did you need to say?"
"Can I see?"
"See what?" I knew what she wanted to see I wasn't an imbicul but I wanted to wait as long as possible to show her
"Your… arm" she blushed
I sighed and looked at it myself first.
"Bella…" I breathed her name with just a little too much passion.
"Please…" she whispered the word so quietly that I wouldn't have heard it if I was… human…
I flipped over my arm exposing the sickening gashes to her.
Her lips formed a small little 'o' and she looked at me. then reached out tentivaly touching it. I winced. But not because it hurt. Mostly because she had touched me…
I couldn't breathe. And I wasn't sure if I even wanted to at this moment. I wanted to die. Because again I realized it would never be. I choked on the unexpected sob. I had never actually cried in front of Bella. yes. She had seen me at my worst earlier. but there was no tears shed. I choked on another oncoming sob.
"Jake." She put her hands on my face and I tried to pull away
"Please don't Jacob." I felt a tear drip over my eyelid she pulled me in for a hug. It reminded me of when we were gonna ride motorcycles and she had hugged me, but this somehow felt deeper. Because she knew how I felt about her. I felt more tears silently falling
"Ooh Jake. Please. Please don't cry." Her voice shook. I pulled her closer to me. wanting to feel her skin on my bare chest. I could feel the slight tingle of the animal in me and in a way I wanted to just give in. in the sickest part of my mind I wanted her to feel pain like I did. And since emotionally she would never feel it. Maybe physically would do it. I shook my head and pulled back she cupped my face once again in her tiny hands and tried to look firm
"Its gonna be okay Jake. I promise"
"Its not…" I muttered as I pushed my hair out of my face
"Why?"
I stammered for a reason. They all flodded my head easily but I in a way I didn't wanna say them to her
"You… don't love me… not enough… and… I don't know Bella. I uhh…" I tried to get the words to come out thinking back to the last time I was in this bedroom with her. after I became a monster. Remembering the feeling of full relief as soon as I saw her face. The feeling that nothing else in the world mattered to me. and I would gladly give up every last thing I owned for her.
I shook my head. It made no difference. Maybe if I was strong enough to tell her earlier I could have told her, and it would have changed things. But I was too late now. My feelings were the less mattering to her, she loved 'Edward' his very name made my stomach churn. He made me sick. She was in love with a monster, A killer.
"Jake?"
"it doesn't matter. It doesn't make a difference. I don't even know why I came tonight. I don't know. I thought you would just magically change your mind or something and I was wrong. I was stupid to think you would." all the words surprised me. I was used to my silence. And in a way it had become home to me.
"Jacob. Just spit it out. I know you want to" she teased. I growled low in my chest as I thought about it. I tried not too look at her, I knew as soon as I did my willpower would commit suicide and I could gladly tell her any idiotic thing she wanted to hear… even if it just hurt me more in the end.
"Please" she pleaded. I snuck one glance at her chocolate brown eyes with her mahogany hair flowing to the middle of her back, her pale skin looked tired in ways. She obviously wasn't sleeping much recently. Just another reminder that soon she wont be sleeping at all. I looked away from her.
"I love you…" I said pathetically.
As If it somehow made a difference.
I ran my fingers through my hair gently and let my hand drop. And letting my wrist be in plain view once again
"That's why I do this to myself… I cant take it. I have to have you Bells. And you want me. I could give you so much of a better life. I could give you everything you could ever need. Maybe except the money…"
"Jake…"
"No… I imprinted on you Bella…" I whispered the words.
And again her lips formed a small 'o' in the darkness. I shook my head lightly
"and its still not enough…" I said sharply her face was so close to mine. I wanted to feel her soft lips press against mine so badly. But I wanted it to be her choice. I wanted HER to kiss ME. just to feel what its like.
I sighed and flipped my arm over so she couldn't see it anymore. Her face moved in towards mine and I could feel her warm breath on my face. For just a second I let myself hope that she would kiss me. I let the idea of it dance through my mind. She would move in not saying anything and press her lips unexpectedly to mine, her hand would find its way to my hair and she would press herself against my body her lips would part letting my tongue press to hers. And she would run her fingers up and down the length of my arm. I shook my head not wanting to think about it anymore. It was making my head hurt.
"Ooh…" She said quietly
"yeah. So this doesn't get better. it gets worse." I said acidly
She shook her head this time. I wished I knew what she was thinking
"I should have known" she muttered
"Yeah. You should have. Wasn't it obvious enough?"
"You hid it"
"That's because I didn't want you to hurt more from the bloodsucker leaving you!" the outburst made her jump
She didn't say anything
"I left the choice to you. I wanted YOU to make the first move. I wanted to hear you wanted me. and we could be together. But YOU the ONLY one I am EVER going to love is going to be the one thing that I CANT be with. Do you know how this feels?!"
"I've been through it"
"Yeah. With your parasite."
She shook her head. That must have hurt her
"I'm sorry" I said quickly
"No, I'm sorry… I hurt you so badly."
"Bella."
"yeah Jake…"
"I wish this was going to be okay. But its not." I muttered
"I want this to be okay too."
"Will you… PLEASE. Kiss me?" the words flowed out of my mouth before I could stop them. The thoughts of the possibibility of her kissing me made me shake internally
I wanted her to
She shook her head slowly
"Jake… i…"
"I know. I shouldn't have asked. I just… its all I want right now… please… just…" I stopped my rambling it wasn't making sense. Her lips were so close to mine already. That I could easily move to her lips and press mine against hers. But I wanted her to kiss me. and I couldn't settle for less.
"Jacob… he… just… I cant…"
I felt my heart shatter in my chest. I felt suddenly like I was going to hyperventilate, I needed to remain calm though. and she couldn't know how much that rejection hurt me. I ran my fingers through my hair hiding my face. I knew she would read my reaction
"I have to go." I said hastily
"Jake. Please don't."
"Why stay?!" I shouted as I stood quickly. I was tremoring. But I was in control of the animal this time
"Jake…" she looked ashamed the same looks he had at the beach earlier today
"I… have… no… reason… to… stay…" I unnunciated every word like I was talking to a 2 year old.
"I love you." she said
"Ooh I'm sure you do." I shook my head and walked out of the small bedroom
A/N:
Okay. Yet another chappy written for you guys. If you have an idea for me to write message me on here or write me a email at valospetalsofdesire_him Yahoo . com obviously no spaces. Lol. I need help with this one. xD I'm having like severe writers block… lol. The only thing I require for you to work with me is for you to have read I Screamed For You the original ending and such.
