Chapter 38

The next day I woke up around nine. He was still asleep. I hadn't fallen asleep in his arms since the first time. And now when I looked at him, my heart picked up speed instantly. I just looked at him waiting for him to open his sweet brown eyes- before I had to leave. It was a wintery morning. Cold in his room. But his body was warm against mine. His arms around me and he breathed evenly and softly. I closed my eyes taking in his smell. Wishing we could stay liek this forever.

I felt him wake up. He tried his best not to move too much. He stretched him shoulders barely even moving. Sighing and moving his arms tighter around me. Something that had woken me up last time.

My bones felt tight. I shifted in his arms. We were both awake. And instantly we started moving apart. He pulled away slowly looking at me. Leaning in and kissing me. It's hard still grasping that he was my boyfriend. Bennett Williams was my boyfriend. Some how it didn't make sense. But I remembered everything he had said to me last night.

Somehow it did inside of me. On the outside I still felt the same.

"Hi," I said.

He smiled sleepishly. "Hi," He said back pressing his lips agaisnt mine.

We both got up without saying much of anything else. He got his car keys and we followed the same routine we had the first time. He drove me home. It was cold and the trees and landscape was dusted with a new blanket of snow. Everything looked white. And it was beautiful no matter how tired and exhausted I was.

When he pulled into my driveway, I realized how badly I didn't want to go. I leaned in and kissed him. His lips staying agaisnt mine longer than they should have. The neighbors could see us and that's the last thing I want. Something to prove half of people's theories right. His hands were cold. I wanted to hold them- because in the midst of all of this I felt warm. My body and my insides. All awakening to this shocking feeling of warmth.

I jsut looked at him for a few seconds. He pushed hair behind my ear. His fingertips drawing a line down from my ear to my neck. He just looked back. His eyes still a mystery. But they were si iverwhleming. I can say I never took him once for granted. Everything about him was as shocking and new to me as the first day we met. Being around him was the only time I had no walls between me and the world. I just didn't know how he managed to get passed them.

"Call me tonight," I said softly.

"I will," he said. "I'll call you later actually, if you're not doing anything. We could hang out."

I smiled. "Okay." Our voices were soft. Half-whispers. So only we could hear each other. Nobody else. He leaned in and kissed me. I closed my eyes one last time. Before I moved away from him. Getting out of his car leaving a trail of footprints up to my front door. When I looked back he was just sitting there watching me. There wasn't a blank stare on my face. but I recognized the feeling he was going through immediatly. Shock, disbelief. Sometihng I was so used to now after being with him I knew it right away.

I smiled at him a little before dissapearing inside of my own house. Silent and empty. But I felt so whole inside. I felt like I had no holes deep within. My home started feeling strange. Too big for me. Too empty for me to fill.

But liek the first morning I slipped inside. I leaned my back agaisnt the cold wood of out front door and slid to the ground. Making myself as small as I could, taking up the least amount of space the world and universe would allow. And I still felt warmth. And I still felt happy out of my mind. Something so alien to me before meeting Bennett, that was now settling in as one of the most common feelings in my life.


My mother came home a few minutes after me. I was relieved I had made it home when I did. But we haven't been getting along lately. Making me afraid to bring Bennett into the house with her here. He only comes over when she's gone.

She smield at me. "Hello," She said. "How was that concert last night?"

I nod. "Good,"

"What time did you get home?" She asked.

"Eleven, there wasn't that much traffic."

"That's good."

The conversation ends. I don't miss anything baout our relationship really. There never really was one to miss. But I started e-mailing Amber. And we've been going back and forth. With her encouragement behind me I found myself wanting to go agaisnt my mother even more. I'm tired of being Amber's opposite. I figure for me to learn how to be myself I need to get away from my mother first.

And as awful as it sounds, it's true.