My Pain is Yours
Author's Note: I was so excited about this chapter! I even woke up early this morning to go over it after spending the entire night writing it. Alas, however, it saddens me that this story is coming to such an abrupt end it feels…
Anyhow, thank you very much to my last reviewers: yoyshaia-chan, cheeky-half-demon, Nutella's Biggest Fan, Kakashi Forever, iLoveThisStory, iLoveThisStory, WhisperInTheRain, and Kunimitsu Chan.
Chapter 32: Perplexities
Standing with trembling fists that quivered with the pulse of each erratic heartbeat, Yamanaka Shinsei stood with wavering eyes watching as the two Uchiha brothers, Sasuke and Itachi, faced each other with stony gazes, locked in a genjutsu battle. Neither one had moved nor spoke and Shinsei had never been more petrified as she remained motionless, anchored to the ground by her heavy, burdensome heart.
After all these years, here's Sasuke and he wants to kill Itachi.
Shinsei gulped, the lump in her throat plummeting to her stomach.
Wait—is Sasuke truly unaware that the fate of his clan was ordered by the Elders?
Pondering for a moment, Shinsei's large, amplified sapphires shone with intense thought as she considered the possibility. That would provide an easy explanation as to why Sasuke had such a sudden loathing for his brother, but it still bothered Shinsei to the point of a nausea so inexplicable that it made her confusion coil deep within the depths of her bosom that Sasuke would ever even dream about murdering his beloved older brother.
Sasuke and Itachi used to be so close—how could their relationship be ruined so easily?
Tepid tears pooled in the redhead's eyes as she choked back a sob, eyebrows lowering descending over her azure orbs. This wasn't right; this wasn't what was supposed to happen—not to Itachi and Sasuke. Sasuke idolized Itachi, he dreamed of achieving a status mirroring Itachi's perfections and Itachi in turn loved and adored his affectionate younger sibling.
Why had that bond been severed merely for the sake of Konohagakure?
No one can understand the pain of losing someone until that someone is eternally out of their reach—like Aiko is to me. Shinsei struggled with her crippling despondency, tears breaking free and flowing hotly down her sunken cheeks. Is Sasuke really so blind to that? If he kills Itachi then he'll be losing the only family he's got left! How can he just throw it all away?
Visions of the two brothers, together, flashed before Shinsei's mind.
They were so close and they loved each other so much! It can't end like this, it absolutely can't!
Glaring defiantly at the pair of brothers who, despite the time lapse, still hadn't budged, Shinsei wiped angrily at her tears, willing herself to be strong. She suppressed her sadness, determined to make Sasuke listen to reason, to make him understand that what he mistook for being Itachi's vendetta against their clan was only an order that Itachi had to follow. She just didn't understand—how could Sasuke be so cold, so cruel, to his own brother?
Then again, as Shinsei stared warily at Sasuke, she noticed that he was not the same boy she used to know. He was older, a year her junior, and his shoulders had noticeably broadened while his form had gained an intimidating, muscular structure. His features were exquisitely handsome, a clean-cut nose with fair skin and entrancing eyes of ebony. There was even a hint of fatigue that both drained and fueled the young man's steady, angry glower.
Sasuke was truly and undeniably the spitting image of his older brother.
And yet, nothing like him at all.
From where she was standing, Shinsei noted that Sasuke seemed impulsive, rash, susceptible to suspicions, and needlessly arrogant. He was not that sweet, kind little boy she had met in Ino's classroom all those years ago. His aura had changed into that of a feral predator's, a lethal hunter's that stalked and killed its prey in the dead silence of the moonlit night.
He was not the Sasuke she remembered.
Standing at the front of the class, Shinsei was introduced by the teacher as a guest student who was staying with the class for that day. Ino was grinning from ear to ear, prouder than ever, as she had Shinsei sit next to her; a raven-haired boy sat on Shinsei's opposite side, not noticing her for a moment, as the new arrival scrutinized her surroundings.
The young redhead glanced nervously around the room. Why were there so many people?
Someone tapped her shoulder and, realizing it wasn't Ino, she reluctantly turned.
"Excuse me, are you new here?" The boy sitting next to her asked politely.
"Um," Shinsei stared into his onyx eyes. "N-no…I'm, uh, visiting…"
"Oh," the boy observed her carefully, "you have really red hair."
For a moment, she didn't know how to reply, but then Shinsei placed both hands on the top of her head. "Yes I do!" She beamed. "My name is Shinsei, I'm from the Yamanaka clan! I'm here with Ino for today!" Her smile grew, eyes shining as the boy smiled. "What's your name?"
The boy grinned even wider. "I'm Sasuke; Uchiha Sasuke. You should come over to my house after school today!" Shinsei nodded energetically.
Stare dropping with the weight bearing down on her heart, Shinsei was brought to tears again as fond memories with Sasuke circulated throughout her mind. There were so many times when they had gotten together simply for the sake of being together, before she had taken an interest in Itachi, and, even then, Shinsei had always venerated Sasuke as her closest friend.
Memories surged and the pain erupted.
Shinsei could see herself with Sasuke, running around the Uchiha estate and playing ninja like they always had, faking wounds with pretend shuriken and chasing one another around the perfectly sculpted trees. She heard her own tinkling laugh from when she was a carefree child and a dismayed tear tumbled down her crimson cheek, face heating with anguished fury.
This was wrong.
All of this was wrong!
They loved each other and I loved them! Sasuke was so nice and tender, such a wonderful friend that was good at everything and only strived to be better. He played with me, he kept me company, he made me laugh when I was going to cry, and he was there throughout all of the times when I thought I was going to break from all the teasing I had to endure!
Eyes flashing with dangerous emotion, Shinsei peered at the men before her.
Sasuke abruptly collapsed before Itachi, falling to his knees.
The redhead's gasp was muffled by her hand.
Itachi was soon to follow.
What's going on? Alarm coursed through Shinsei, electrifying her with worry. Is their genjutsu battle over? Did Sasuke lose so soon? Did Itachi overuse his Sharingan? I can't tell—neither one of them is moving! Oh no, what if they need medical attention? I can't supply them with that! She pinched her eyes shut, waiting for a verbal response from one of them.
Itachi returned first.
"You…broke through my Tsukyomi?"
Breath stalling in her throat, Shinsei jerked her head up to see Sasuke shakily rising, Itachi clutching his eye. Horrified bewilderment was plastered to Shinsei's gaping expression as Sasuke smirked victoriously, panting, but still simpering that sickening, power-hungry grin. It made Shinsei's stomach coil revoltingly, even more so with the words that Sasuke possessed following his unfeasibly unprecedented ascension.
"I thought I told you," Sasuke murmured coldly, sadistically, "no matter how you use those eyes of yours I'll use my hatred to turn fantasy into a reality!"
Shinsei's heart bolted within her before dashing into a gallop.
This had to stop; it had to end before she lost herself.
The man before her, smiling wickedly…
…he wasn't Sasuke.
Running without the thought of the consequence of her actions, Shinsei darted into the fray, frantically yelling, "Stop it! Stop it right now!" She skidded to a clawing halt, gaining Sasuke's attention the minute he heard her. Almost immediately, however, the young Uchiha was at her back, holding a kunai threateningly to her neck.
Shinsei's heart convulsed painfully.
Itachi was on his feet instantly, composure gone from his eyes.
Sasuke's voice was a suspiciously curious, implacably serious growl. "Who are you?"
Tone trembling fervidly, Shinsei choked out the frightened words, "You really don't remember me, Sasuke-kun?" The pressed tip of the kunai bearing down harder upon her skin urged the redhead to elaborate, quickly. "I-I'm Yamanaka Shinsei! We used to be best friends Sasuke-kun, don't you remember?"
Sasuke's eyes widened, though they consequently narrowed in doubt. "…Shinsei?"
Relieved from the pointed tip of the kunai, Shinsei was allowed to turn around and she did so, facing Sasuke with eyes resembling saucers. Itachi watched them carefully, Sharingan clamped tightly onto Sasuke with the severest of rigidity in warning that if he laid a single harmful finger on Shinsei that he himself would waste no time in retaliation.
Sasuke only stared, mildly perturbed. "Shinsei-san? It can't be, but, is it really you?"
Cautious, Shinsei whispered, "Yes, Sasuke-kun," his name harbored a strange, unused taste that left her mouth dryer than dirt, "it is me. I ran away after I heard about what happened and there's something that you need to know about your clan before you're so quick to judge Itachi." She paused, but at the mention of Itachi's name, Sasuke went suddenly haywire.
"Wait—Shinsei! What the hell are you doing with him?" Sasuke spat venomously.
"No—Sasuke! You don't understand!" Shinsei spluttered, alarmed.
"He's a fucking traitor and a goddamned liar!"
"No! No he isn't! Sasuke—please!"
"Why are you with him?"
"Sasuke!"
"Why?"
Overwhelmed and upsetted by Sasuke's wild strain of irrepressible emotions, Shinsei found herself being swept away to safety by Itachi to prevent her from becoming a victim of Sasuke's rage. The young Uchiha hissed, feeling betrayed on yet another scale. How could Shinsei, his best friend, be at the same place at the same time siding with Itachi of all people?
Sasuke started to shout. "You've betrayed me too! How could you?"
Shinsei was unaware of the tears rolling down her cheeks.
This is not what I wanted to happen at all!
Oh my God…oh my God!
I'm scared!
Burying her head into Itachi's chest, crying explosively as her frenzied emotions reached an unmanageable tantamount mirrored by a suicidal sorrow, Shinsei screamed, "Why did you turn out like this Sasuke—why? Tell me why! You know what? You don't know anything about that night! You don't even know what half the story is!"
"I don't care!" Sasuke screamed in a hideously ferocious retort.
Attempting to soothe Shinsei by holding her closer to himself, Itachi murmured, "Shinsei, it's going to be all right; I will make things right again, but please don't get involved. Sasuke can't listen to reason right now, his only interest is in killing me and avenging the clan."
Disassembling himself from Shinsei's desperate hands, Itachi rose to return to the fight with his brother, who was waiting with an eager flame that had ignited into a wildfire within his smoldering onyx orbs burning with utmost hate. Leaping into the fray, determined to do what he had to, Itachi performed rapid hand signs and summoned an immense fireball, which he promptly fired at Sasuke, who countered it with his own.
The two rolling balls of fire collided in a massive detonation of heat and seething passion.
Shinsei covered her eyes, crying hysterically into her hands.
Why is this happening? Sasuke needs to stop! If this keeps up it won't end until one of them dies, I know it won't! But I don't want Itachi to die, I love him so much, he just can't! I can't do anything right now to help him and it just makes me feel worse! What the hell am I supposed to do? I-I don't want Sasuke to die either!
He's just as much a victim as Itachi!
D-damn it! Damn it! Damn it!
What do I do?
What do I do?
What do I do?
I'm useless!
A burden!
Shinsei squeezed her eyes shut, the tears forming unending rivulets as they paraded down her face, never ceasing due to the eternal agony formed by the people she loved. At this point, her emotions had become warped into the very burden she strived to keep herself from becoming, but the more heartache she suffered, the more burdens that were heaped upon her, and the more of a burden she felt that she became.
Like that time when the agony of losing Aiko had mentally distressed her irrevocably.
"Aiko!" Shinsei sobbed her name again. "I'm sorry…I'm sorry for being such a burden!"
Breath seizing, Aiko clenched her fists, keeping her tears in check. "You were never a burden," Aiko quietly replied, unhooking her friend's hands gently and taking a step out of Shinsei's reach, heart pleading with her to cease the pain by lingering. But Aiko couldn't; she had to discharge Shinsei from herself; it was the selfless thing to do and she knew it—though, the agony she bore to conceal her sadness was crippling. Aiko choked out the barely audible words, "You and I will be best friends, forever. Trust me."
Aiko smiled brightly, that smile shattering Shinsei's heart.
Shinsei gasped outwardly at the unexpectedness of the memory.
Never once had Aiko, her closest and dearest friend preceding her love for Sasuke, admitted that she was a burden. Never. Just thinking of Aiko pained Shinsei, but the thought also invigorated her to accept the struggle being presented to her. She was only a burden if she wrongly convinced herself of it and fell into the bottomless pit of depression.
But all she had to do to stop was to take that first step forward and accept the situation.
I wish Aiko were here right now; she would be able to settle this and help me.
I need to face reality though—she isn't here, and I need to step up.
I need to stop cowering in the face of my fears.
I need to do something—not be idle.
I need to stop it myself.
Stubbornness inherited by the keen members of the Yamanaka clan arose in Shinsei's tightly clamped air, lips pursed, eyes strained and glossy. She was useful, she could do things; it was all a matter of her stepping up to the plate and taking that first swing. Crying and caving was no longer an option; if she had learned anything from Aiko, it was to remain strong.
Even at the expense of oneself.
Forcing her eyes to look in the direction of the battling Uchihas, Shinsei saw that Itachi had extinguished Sasuke's flames with the Amaterasu. Her heart faltered, however, upon seeing the blood streaming from Itachi's Mangekyo and Sasuke's deformed perverse expression as he rose to continue the fighting, steeped in his own blood.
Enough was enough.
One step.
Another step.
A leap.
And a bound.
Shinsei was running.
Faster.
And faster.
She was closer to Sasuke as she sprinted across the remains of the battlefield, opening her arms and screaming a reverberating, "Stop!" Her legs carried her, mind spinning, as she reached Sasuke and threw her arms around his bruised body in a subduing embrace, forcing him to stop or kill her in the process.
Sasuke's entire body came to a rigid halt.
"What the—get off me Shinsei!"
Shaking her head into Sasuke's back, trying to ignore the lethal venom being fiercely communicated to her, Shinsei exclaimed, "No! Not until you hear me out! I've been unable to do anything this whole time and now you're going to listen to me because I need you to—you need me to! Everything you think you know about the Uchiha massacre is a lie!"
"Why should I trust you?" Sasuke viciously shook his shoulder—Shinsei clung tighter.
"Because I have no reason for lying! I loved your family like you did!"
"Just let go you could never understand—they were family!"
"And I had to give all that up and more you bastard!"
After screaming desperately until she was hoarse, Shinsei unwillingly decided to lower her tone, relaxing her grip and backing off Sasuke as his shoulders slumped in response to her latter comment. Itachi took cautious steps forward, not daring to make too many precarious moves while his beloved was at the mercy of his volatile brother.
Shinsei's steady breathing warmed Sasuke's shoulder as he inhaled, listening, as Shinsei forlornly whispered, "When your family died, I was heartbroken. But before that, I was walking through the Hokage's tower, searching for help because the boys at the park had beaten me up and my home was too far away, and I found Itachi talking to the Hokage."
Sasuke tensed, eyes slimming.
"They were discussing your clan's assassination."
Sasuke recoiled, anger building, but Shinsei continued nonetheless.
"There was a coup d'état planned against Konohagakure, which was being plotted by Fugaku."
A sickening realization dawned upon Sasuke, retracing his memories.
"That's why Itachi was so different, he had to kill them!"
Everything was drastically dissimilar.
Letting go so that she could see Sasuke, Shinsei found him attaching his hand to his face in utter denial. With soft gentle hands, Shinsei wrapped her fingers around Sasuke's and pulled them down, carefully looking at the man who was formerly the boy she cherished as her best friend for an eternity. A moment of tenderness passed between them before Sasuke mechanically jerked his hand from Shinsei's, snapping their momentary bond.
Though she vacillated, Shinsei didn't give up. "Sasuke?"
"It can't be true."
"What?"
Whipping around, mind untamed, Sasuke cried aloud, "How can I just accept that? My clan, every single person, was slaughtered, by him!" He jabbed an accusing finger at Itachi who neither moved nor blinked in response. "I've lived my whole life hating Itachi for what he did! I've spent my entire life plotting my revenge—that's all I've trained for—and now you think you can just tell me that it's all a lie?"
This time, Shinsei drew back her hand and delivered a stinging slap across Sasuke's face.
Though it didn't hurt, Sasuke tensed, blinking crossly.
Biting down hard on her lip, drawing blood and relishing in the salty bitterness that distracted her for a vital moment, Shinsei persisted, this time with a tirade of tears. "Itachi's had you fooled the entire time! You don't know anything! For the peace of Konoha, for you, he's desired to die a criminal and a traitor!
"He's accepted disgrace instead of honor!
"And hate in the place of love!
"And for what?
"For you!"
Staring deeply into the truth embedded within Shinsei's cobalt eyes, Sasuke found himself unable to look away. There was nothing complex about what she was communicating; there was no deceit or trickery in those eyes that he used to look in constantly. But when he used to peer endlessly into them, those eyes were laughing, smiling, and loving life; now, they were filled with pain by his presence and anger by his ignorance.
As he continued glaring into those stimulating pupils, Sasuke both wanted to believe her and didn't. He had spent years of his life in bitter resentment of his brother, years, how could he be so suddenly told that all that time was wasted and that he was wrong? However, he wanted to believe, wanted to know that his brother was still the same man he adored.
But, how could he choose between those varying, tormenting truths—one of which was a lie?
Only one of the stories could be true and it sparked uncomfortable, nauseating questions.
Was Itachi really his loving brother or just his relentless vendetta?
Would he choose Shinsei's hatred or her love?
Could he choose at this point?
Did he even know?
Quivering with an unnamed condition bordering insanity, Sasuke spoke, voice deep and thoughtful, yet still as callous and judgmental as ever. "Itachi, tell me, is all of this true?" Lifting his stare to his brother upon realizing that he was being addressed, Itachi gradually glided across the landscape to join them and threw down his weapons.
Sasuke glanced up and Itachi murmured, "It is the truth. Kill me if you can't see it."
Shinsei's heart skipped a beat, but she retained herself with difficulty.
Sasuke looked down. "Shinsei, you've never lied to me."
The redhead swallowed hard, silent as death.
Sasuke didn't know what to say.
Finally, after many thought-provoking eternities that were fleeting in comparison to the length he had dreamed of nothing but his nightmarish revenge, Sasuke quietly murmured, "Leave me. Just leave me. I don't want to see any of you anymore. Just go away." Hurt by this, Shinsei reached out to touch him, but Sasuke caught her hand, gripping it tightly.
Shinsei gasped, unsure of what he was going to do. "S-Sasuke?"
Retracting his Sharingan as he glowered ruthlessly at Shinsei, Sasuke asked, "I still don't understand what you're doing here. I think that after everything that's happened that you owe me an explanation before I make my decision." Looking into Sasuke's eyes, Shinsei knew then that he still hadn't settled on his final say and she hesitated.
Everything, her, Sasuke, and Itachi, their lives or respectably, their deaths, hung on what she would say.
The pressure was crippling and Shinsei wanted to cry, but held it in, as she began her story.
