Chapter 60
In school, I've become aware of it. When I'm walking with Bennett if he's talking to Sean I'll stop and just become aware of where I am. I walking down the hallway next to my boyfriend. With Dave they all waved and smield and said hello and he'd do so even in the middle of a conversation. But I saw it all happened. Everything I never noticed. It was there. In that hallway spelled out in black and white for me.
People had a glimmer of something in their eyes as they watched us. It was like the hallways parted for us. But never really. We were walking along. And I remembered when I was along the sides to, at my locker or with Dave. Seeng Bennett Williams walk down the hallways was once like seeing a movie star. And here I was a part of it. They looked back and forth from him and then to me. I remembered all he had said to me in January. Abotu me being a legend too. I still doubted that, but it was confirmed for me. I was a new person to me and everyone around me. Perfect strangers. Old friends I've lost. I was new.
I saw Dave yesterday. Standing there talking to someone obviously. Ace and Cam. Their attention was sucked to us. Bennett and me. I only caught a little of it. Dave squirming to regain his rightful attention. Dave used to never have to fight for his own attention. Now it was something he clung to.
I slid the CD into Bennett's locker. It went in easily. Giving a loud hsarp noise when it hit the shelf at the top. He had problems with his locker. It never closes right so he has to slam it, but the opening slits at the top are jsut the right size for me to slip CDs into. And know he gets them right away.
I kept walking. I was used to this by now. I was quick at it. Not having to stutter shoving a CD into a thin slit in his locker. I was smooth at this by now. Making m way down the hallways. I looked up. The look in people's eyes when I walked down the hallways for each pair I met. I was at frist frightened by this. I had never noticed it but somehow it seemed normal. But it wasn't.
It was osmthing I had unconciously become accustomed to.
Just now I was realizing it.
Cass sat in History. Writing something down quickly. She looked up smling. "Hey," She said. I stopped at her seat.
"Hi," I said. "What's up?"
"Nothing," She said. "Hey, I'm sorry Miles and I didn't sit with you at lunch today. He had to do something in thel ibrary so I went along with him."
"It's fine." I said shrugging.
"Hey are you busy this Thursday?" She asked. "I need to get Miels his birthday present, and I need you're help." I opened my mouth to talk. "And if you say no and that you need to be with Bennett I understand... but I would like to remind you that you promised."
I smiled. "I'll go with you Cass. I don't have anythign to do tomorrow anyway."
She smield excitedly. "Great," She said. "It's Thursady though, you don't have to work?"
"No I'm working today instead this week." I said. "When do you want to go?"
"Afterschool?" She said. "He has photography club then."
"Perfect," I said smiling.
The final bell rang and I went over to my seat next to Rachel. She was dating a baseball player now so she stopped treating me like a slut. She let me copy her notes the same and talked to me a little less than she had when I was quiet and would jsut nod and agree. This class goes the slowest for me. I try and copy the best I can. But I'm always waiting for my one class with Bennett. That was enough to make and hour and a half become twelve.
I can always see him. He's usually standing there against the wall. Looking around waiting for me. Today was no exception. He smiels when he sees me. Saying hello when I'm close enough. We kiss. People stare but I never notice it anymore. Everytihng is perfect when we're together. Nothing can go wrong. But I don't let myself think that anymore.
I try and stay away from thinking things like that. It makes this all seem harder.
English is easy. It goes by fast. But he's there. And at lunch I sit with him when we have the same. Which is about every single one. Girls I've started talking to in the past month have started telling me that Bennett and I remind them of Rainie and Paul. Although Bennett is always sayign he is tryign to convince me he never does. He jsut brings it up. But I don't think people telling me these things mean it. It's like comparing us to Romeo and Juliet except it's Bennett's best friend and the prettiest girl in Kerrington.
When school's let out he finds me. Pulling me from the crowd to his side. Even tohugh I never have a chance of being swallowed up into the crowd anymore. And he'll drive me to Carol's.
Like I've mentioned we've been obsessing over Hawthorne Heights, it's more or less a distraction. We're trying to stop thinking that our favorite records and our favorite band is breaking up. The days are numbered and we count them. In less than a month we'll watch our favorite band play thier last show. Ever. Never in the future will they be planning another show. The cancelled the last few dates leaving ours the last. It's sold out. And out of Bennett's friends only Rainie and Paul are going besides us. Jonah wanted to go but he lost his ticket to some girl from Coolen and can't anymore.
So we try and distract ourselves. Filling the holes in our love for this music with new stuff. It's workign a little I have to say.
When I reach for the cardoor he reahces out and pulls me back in. Taking hold of my face and kissing me. "Can we hang out later?" He asks agaisnt my lips.
"You have band practice," I say. Looking at him.
"If Rainie can go so can you." He says eagerly smiling. "If Paul gets mad, it doesn't matter. If your there there's no way he can force Rainie out of the room. Come on,"
I look at him. I crack a smile. "Fine," I said. "But if Paul punches you again I'm never going to another band practice ever."
He laughs kissing me again. "I'll pick you up after work." He said.
"Okay," I say. "Bye."
"Bye," And he lets me get out finally. Go into Carol's and watch him drive away once I'm safely inside.
"Ow!" Yuo could hear it from outside. When we got out of his car we both stopped when we heard this. "Paul, Paul, this hurts so bad." It was Rainie. You could hear Jonah laughing. So it removed the possibility of "this" being something we shouldn't walk into. But Paul was laughing a little too.
"Come on," He said.
"Ow!" She was wailing now.
We walking in. And Rainie was sitting on Paul's lap. His head coming out over her shoulder and his arms around her. But they had an acoustic guitar on her lap. Rainie was holding a chord. A simple one- I think. And Paul was fixing the way she was holding it. Jonah was laughing, smiling as he watched. "Paul! This fucking kills." She said. "My fingers are splitting open."
"You're not even doing it right." Paul looked up seeing us. "Hey."
"God," Rainie said. "Can I please let go?"
"No," He said. He moved her fingers. Over a little. "Okay hold it now." He was finding enjoyment in this. She wasn't serious. She couldn't be. Nobdoy could be in this much pain holding down strings on a guitar. Peopel have complaine mroe giving birth than now. It was funny though. Paul started playing and she stopped complaining to listen. It was a Sunday Drive song. We all did. Watching the severe look of pain on Rainie's face. He was playign a short riff.
"Ready?" He said to her. "Yeah," She said. He let go of the neck of the guitar and strummed. The chord Rainie was holding rang out. A note was muted, you could hear it but the moment it ended she let go. Flexing her hand. And complaing more.
Bennett laughed. "Did it hurt that bad?" He asked.
"God, my fingers are fucking ready to bleed." She said.
"You're fine," Paul said, he was still smilign a little. He leaned the guitar against the couch they were sitting on.
"Hey, Eh-lisa." Jonah said goofily.
"Hi," I said to him smiling.
"So this is not a groupie free practice I assume." Jonah said lookign around.
"Nah," Bennett said. Him and Jonah started talking. Jonah still disspointed in missing the last Sunday Drive show even if he didn't like them as much as us- he was jsut getting itno them and last shows for bands were "out of fucking control" he said.
I looekd over and saw Rainie and Paul. He took her hand and kissed it. She smiled at him and kissed him. And then he slid his hands around her waist pulling her agaisnt him. Rainie told me that Paul hates it when his friends see him pull cheesy moves liek this. And I understood why, but I think the whole 'groupie free' practices were going to come to an end soon. Whenever I see one of these "cheesy moves" or "cheesy moments" they seem to fall even more in love with each other.
They're already inseperable. It'll just get worse.
But this kid Mike burst in from inside. He reminds me of Miles except with black hair and is a lot more chubby. He plays drums. The practices take place in his garage. "Hi," He says happily seeing Bennett and me. He's really dorky and funny. Him and Jonah are really close frineds which is how Bennett knew him, and him and Paul go to school together.
Jonah plugs in his guitar. His is covered in stickers. Bennett doesn't play guitar anymore. He's a free singer. Because he claims he sucks at guitar anyway. I've told him he doesn't but he never believes me. Rainie gets off Paul's lap and lets him start to set up. Last is this kid Alex who is scary and awkward and soft-spoken. He reminds me of a turtle. He walks in wearing the same black sweatshirt I've only seen him in.
He carries in his bass and amp and says a quiet hello before setting up in his little area where nobody ever really tells him what to do unless they hear him go off which he never does.
I sit next to Rainie. She is lokign at her fingers. The lines of the stringds run across her finger-tips. "I only asked how to play a C chord." She said. She rubs her fingers on her jeans.
I smile. Listening to them all talk. Paul and Bennett pretty much run the show. They never butt heads or anything. They let each other lead the way. They're a tight band for being together a short while. They practice a lot. Mastering a few Saves the Day songs and a New Found Glory one. But they play a more hardcore version of this one song. It's the last track of Sunday Drive's first record. Rainie always sort of slumps back and remains quiet. She usually does dorky things and tries to distract Paul which never will work.
But here she is, slinking back agaisnt the couch a little. Silent and just listening. You can almsot barely hear Bennett singing over Mike and therest of the noise put together. But oyu can hear him a little. At least the melody. When they crank the microphone up, they are probably better than any Kerrignton band I've heard yet. Dave's band looks like a couple eighth graders now.
At the end of every practice while Alex is packing up silently. Jonah and mike will ask Bennett if they could make one of his old solo songs a real one. I mean, Paul and Bennett are writing a lot. But they're stuff is more on the fence leaning towards heavy metal then whatever sound they were hoping for. Bennett always says no. And Paul just listens and never seems ot pay attention. I have a feeling though, if it comes up in the future and Paul asks Bennett if they could take one of his old songs and ix it up a little for the band Bennett will say yes. Sean and Bennett are still close. It's just I think Paul understand Bennett more. They trust each other more. Especially with music.
For now, I'm the only one who hears his songs. Kids still go onto his old MySpace and listen to his stuff but I'm the onyl one who hears my songs. The wones he wrote about me. The ones with pretty chords and heartstoppign words. It's an amazing feeling but somehow I feel like he deserves more. Not with me. But he deserves to be heard by more people. He deserves more than just me. That's proably why I'll let him go at the end of the summer. Because he deserves sometihng more than just me. He deserves to be heard more than by just me.
I'm not putting myself down, it's just that it seems like in our relationship he puts more in front of him a lot. I don't need that. I need to put him in front of me sometimes. And by doing this. By waiting to let him go- it's half selfish half not. Because if I ended everythign now, we'd be better off. But if I wait we'll be happier longer.
And I don't think either of us could let go until we were forced to.
A/N: I took a bigger jump than I planned. The beginning was written for February but I figured I didn't have enough interesting material to fill all of that so... I just jumped to the beginning of March. I think by the way I've been hinting things- Paul getting annoyed with Rainie, Bennett insinuating that him and Elisa are going better than Rainie and Paul- Rainie and Paul are not brekaing up. They never will so I tried to ocme up with a cute little scene or sometihng. The guitar scene was on my busride to school. So I hope it's alright. And I have been rereading and Bennett can be sort of creepy and awkward sometimes. I apologize. I'll go through and fix it when I can. God. I hope you like this. I want some predicitons about anything. Sunday Drive Show... Bennett's Band... Bennett leaving... relationships. Anything. Review Review Review.
Oh yeah and 60!!!! Hoooray!
