Chapter 75
I was lying in bed that night. Seeing him, I felt nothing. Within me. But I couldn't feel my heart trying to beat quickly but the pain was too much. My stomach was making me feel sick when it started to fill with butterflies. And my skin felt slimy and my insides were all unraveled. I closed my eyes. I had cried enough over him.
There was an image I had burned into my head when I told Amber I was seeing Bennett. When he was standing at my lawn smilign at me. I was shocked to say that boy was the same as I had jsut seen. It must have just been my mind but he was new. He looked like he was close to collapsing seeing me. And I must have been the same. His smile was fake. Everything I used to run through that recent image of him in my head was so different. He was having a hard time too.
The voices in my head took over. No. He just sees what a mess I am. He doesn't care. He has anything. He has all these girls tht would kill to have what I once had. Even that first conversation. They would slit their wrists and drop dead to have that. But I had another year ahead of me. Another year alone. He had college or anything he wanted. I was here. I was a year younger.
He was right. It was better to just have broken up then.
Fuck love. I'm done. I'm sick lying here soaking up in my own patheticness. I could have loved him. Sure. I could have loved Dave too. What makes them any different. I fell for the same thing I did with Dave but with The Bennett Williams. The Emo Faggot. The Prick.
Bennett.
I rolled over. My back to where he used to lseep next to me. I closed my eyes. He was haunting me. I knew it.
I was at work. Cass was waiting for me. Sitting drinking coffee with Miles. The door rang. And of all people Rainie walked in. "Elisa," She said. Relieved and desperate. She came ot me at the counter. Becky looked over at me. Offering a helping hand. But no.
"Hi," I said to Rainie. "Can I help you?"
"Look," She said weakly. "Elisa, I didn't mean for all of that to happen. He misunderstood. He didn't let me explain. And we didn't know where he went. We tohught he just drove off. But God, we were so dumb." I froze listening to her. "He was so hurt, and he just overreacted. Can you just please talk to him?"
I swallowed. "No," I said. "I can't."
"But why?" She asked. "He won't go to you. He's-"
"Rainie," I said looking down at the counter. "It's over between me and him." I had said it. I felt Cass watching me. Her eyes wide. Rainie's were too. Begging me to take that back. Even Becky.
Rainie finally looked down at the counter. She looked up. "He's a mess," She said. "He won't talk to Paul, and he's getting hammered every night and skipping school and skipping practices. He forgot his cell phone at Paul's and theres about seven messages from his mother over the past four days asking him if he's okay... Elisa-"
I tightened my jaw. Gritting my teeth. Hearing this. "Rainie," I said. "Please, I can't hear this."
She stared at me. "Do you blame me?" Her voice so small.
"I never did," I said. "It's my fault. We're better off."
She shook her head. Then looked at me. "He got fired from his job too. He's fucked up again Elisa. Can you please just talk to him? Try and make everything better by a little bit?"
I nodded. Not knowing if I'd be able to go through with it. I couldn't because the next day he was back at school. Everyone was talking about him. Christine was back with the rumors. And this time their was proof, he had cut his hair a lot shorter. It showed a hickey on his neck. I assumed it was becuase of all the rumors. And it confirmed it.
We were better off.
I was going ot my locker. It had only been about two and a half weeks after Bennett and I broke up when this boy came up to me. His name was Matthew and he was emo and cute and in my grade. He had been talking to me a lot this past week. Texting me. And people were starign at me funny when he came up to me. He msiled a little and tlaked ot me. He was really nice. And he just asked me to prom.
There was no way in hell I thought I'd be asked to prom by anyone after this. But even thoguh I was suprised and flattered. I said I couldn't. He understood too. Which made it all a little worse. I opened my locker finally and there was an envelope in it. On the top shelf. I looked at it. It was identical to the one I had let go of two weeks ago. I opened it and there was a silver chain in it. It probably hadn't even been opened. This envelope.
I shoved it back into my locker.
He was back again.
He was everywhere in my life. I finally went into my room and put all of his mix-CDs into a ziploc bag and stuck them behind my stereo. I took the little turtle and the Get Up Kids CD and everything he had given me and put it in a backet on my top shelf. The books. The poems. The songs. The words. The turtle. Everything. Except for the box. Because I couldnt' move it. I didn't even knowwhat was inside. I left it where it was in the center of my vanity. Starign at it wondering if I could have gotten the chance ot open it if he hadn't misunderstood whatever Rainie had said to him.
I touched it. The wooden bok. Lifting it up. Shaking it. There was no sound in it. The box was empty. That's all I had left of him. An empty box next to my empty chest. Everything else was wiped out of my life for now.
In Englsih I sat with my back to him. At lunch I sat outside with Cass and Miles. I never drove past IHOP. Or passed Cherry Street. When I saw red doors I ignored them. And I found myself finally doing the last thing to stop it all from haunting me like it had been. I took my Sunday Drive record, the one we had made love to, and had once loved ourselves and I put that with the rest of the stuff that haunted me every moment of everyday.
And I moved on slowly. My body still numb. I lived in a world full of ghosts now. Everything reminded me of something. I'd lay in bed alone. Remembering how he smelled. And how his hand felt in mine. I couldn't forget him. The stuff all gatherign dusk on my top shelf was still there. But the places in my life he had left no physical mark on were still haunting me.
I'd turn a corner and see the classroom where I broke up with Dave for me for him. And the pond where we used to drive and listen to records when I would drive to Miles' house.
There were people like jonah who would come up to me and say hello. Ask me how I was. He didnt' joke and ask me to date him. He just asked me if I was okay. And said that we should hang out soon. But he was graduating. I was stuck in high school. Just like with everyone else leaving Kerrignton. We had no time left to be friends really.
When I saw Rainie she'd come up to me and say hello. And not mention anything about him. She was jsut trying to be friendly.
Paul would say hello to me too. Sean would say hello. And with Becky we were still really good friends. We had finals. And I studied in the library. The rumors about Bennett sleeping with all these girls were back. The words "emo faggot" told me hwne I needed to hurry away. When I was at my locker, it happened again.
Except with someone more familiar. We jsut talked a little. "Some friends and I are going to prom and stuff. We're just going to hang out there. Rent a limo and stuff. LAme shit like that. But I heard you're nto goign with anyone, and if you aren't oging with any of your friends or anyone else... we could go as friends. I mean prom was pretty lame last year but you know, who knows. Everyone has to have this expirience."
I looked at him. Dave Mandeville. I rolled it over in my head. "I don't know," I said. "I'll think about it."
"Really?" He smield a little. Not being rejected. "Cool, jsut call me or let me know. It won't suck I promise."
I smiled a little. Fake. It hurt to msile. "Okay, yeah, sure." I said.
And I was alone. I looked back into my locker. I saw an envelope haunting me again in the back of my locker. I swallowed and reahced out for it. I opened it. Lettign the little silver chain slip into my hand. I missed it, but it proved ot be a stranger.
That night I looked into the mirror. I saw a stranger. I was pale. Dark haired. I didn't see who I once saw. She was dead. I looked at my neck. Touching the small key. I shut my eyes. And took it off. The necklace. I went over to the box.
I pushed the key into the hole. I turned. There was a click and the top popped open. And there was another envelope taped to the bottom. He was leaving these clues in my life. He would never stop. There would probably be an address. With another box and I owuld have had to wait for another key. And another. I only had one. It's all I would ever get.
And I was done with these signs. I put the necklace into the box. And put it on the shelf in my closet next to that basket. When I looked into the mirror. I was officially dead in my eyes.
