DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS FROM TWILIGHT. THEY ALL BELONG TO STEPHENIE MEYER.
EPOV
I watched Jacob, trying to gauge his reaction as he stared at the ring on Bella's finger, the cogs turning in his mind. I could tell he was working it out and I wasn't entirely sure if I was alright with that fact or not.
"This?" Bella snapped, holding up her hand so that the ring glistened and glinted in the sunlight. "This is an engagement ring, Jacob. Edward and I are engaged." I saw his fists scrunch together even tighter at this as he turned a rainbow of colours. I could have sworn that given another minute his brain would have imploded. That would have actually been amusing to see, that is, if I wasn't concerned about mine and Bella's safety. Even though Emmett was here, Jacob was still big. Bigger than me at least. And he had already shown that he was able to overpower me. "What? Are you going to run off and tell my mommy about that too?"
"Wait, what?!" Emmett cried from beside me. "That was you?! You told Renee about Bella and Edward?!" I looked at Emmett. He was seething and turning red now, his fists flexing open and closed as he stood there staring at Jacob. "You're ruining my little brother's life because you're jealous?!"
I rolled my eyes, thinking that Emmett was overreacting. He wasn't completely ruining my life. Yes, I was incredibly depressed about the fact that Bella was leaving soon, but she would come back. For me. She had made that promise, and she had sealed it through our actions the previous night. There was no reason for Emmett to call Jacob out on that, because it wasn't true, even though I wanted him to seriously pay for the call he had made. I was about to tell Emmett this when Alice walked up beside him and held out her hand, telling me to stop.
"No, Edward." She said forcefully, looking at me in a way that said "let us fight him" before glaring at Jacob. "That is what he is doing. He is effectively taking everything away from you because he can't have what he wants. Have you ever thought Jacob, that Bella wouldn't want to be with you, even if Edward hadn't come along? Hence the fact that she wasn't with you before we moved to Forks."
"Exactly." Rosalie chipped in, walking up to stand on the other side of Bella, Jasper taking his place beside her, creating a line of Cullens in front of Jacob. "That should be enough to tell you that Bella isn't interested and never will be. She's with Edward, so nothing you do will have any effect. And yes, they are getting married."
"And you know what?" Bella said, her anger audible in her voice. "It really doesn't matter if you call Renee, because I will be eighteen when I come back, and I won't need parents permission to marry Edward. Which is what I plan to do as soon as I return." I could hear the smugness in her voice, but I couldn't bring myself to smile along with her.
I sort of zoned myself out at that point, not really wanting to hear the insults that my family were throwing at Jacob. I know I should have been thankful for it, but I didn't want their help. It just made me seem weak and made me look as though I couldn't look after myself. What happened to the independence that I was supposed to be building up through my recovery. I realised then that I wasn't really gaining any independence. I still had to rely on my family. No matter what it was for. I couldn't really do anything on my own.
I shook my head slightly, trying to clear my head, but it didn't work. All I could hear was my family throwing more and more insults at Jacob, rubbing it in that he couldn't have Bella. How we were getting married. How he needed to accept that fact and grow up. I didn't hear the words specifically, but I knew that those would be along the lines of what they were saying.
I pulled myself away from Bella gently and turned around, walking to my car. I heard her calling to me, but I needed to be on my own for a while. I needed to figure out some stuff in my own head.
I walked quickly towards where I had parked my car. I saw that Emmett's Jeep and Bella's truck were sitting there next to my Volvo. I thought that was weird as Bella had gone to school with the others this morning. Had she gone home at some point along the way or during the day to pick up her truck for some reason? I didn't really think about that right now. All I needed to know was that I needed to be alone.
As I walked around to the drivers side of the car, I looked over the beach and saw that there was a fight breaking out on the beach. Emmett and Jacob had obviously said some choice words to each other. I could hear the others shouting, either egging the two of them on, cheering for the one they wanted to win, or screaming at them to stop. I couldn't hear which it was, all I could hear were shouts coming from Jasper and the two guys that were with Jacob and screams coming from the girls.
But there was one figure standing slightly away from the main group. Slightly closer to me, and I knew they were watching me.
Bella.
I had hurt her when I had pulled away. I knew that. But it didn't really matter to me at that point in time. All I knew was that I wanted to get away from the group, so I just walked away, ignoring her calls to me. She knew that I wanted to be alone, so she hadn't followed me. I could see that she was hurting, even though I couldn't make out her expression I knew that I had hurt her.
I would explain everything to her later. When I had worked things out in my own mind, I would tell her.
I climbed into the car and turned on the ignition, backing slowly out of the small parking lot that was there for those using the beach. I would be lying if I said that turning off the ignition and running back onto the beach to embrace Bella was the last thing I wanted to do. Because it wasn't. I wanted nothing more than to do that. But I needed to be on my own. I needed to work through what was going on in my head. It wasn't fair to Bella if I didn't as I wouldn't be able to concentrate on her, our relationship or my recovery. And, I realised, it wasn't fair to me. I needed to do this for myself. I knew that now. But Bella was the catalyst behind all of my decisions. I knew that as well. If she hadn't been there from the beginnig of my recovery there was no way that I would have gotten this far. I would still be stuck in the clinic, probably still hooked up to that goddamned feeding tube.
I drove slowly down the roads towards my house, wanting to take as long as I possibly could. Driving had always calmed me. I didn't turn on the radio, or one of my CD's. I needed the silence. I needed the silence to think. Pulling up to my house, I turned off the ignition, and leaned my forehead on the steering wheel, taking a deep breath. I had noted that the Jeep and truck were not here yet, seeing as I had driven purposefully slowly, they could have been back before me if they had left just after me. My conclusion was that they were still at the beach. Fighting my battle.
I thought that everything I was going through and doing now was supposed to help with my self confidence and independence. It was supposed to make it so that I could fight my own battles, wasn't it? That was the impression that I had ascertained anyway. Obviously I was wrong.
Don't get me wrong, I loved my family and I was grateful that they were there today. Jacob could have done some serious damage to me if they hadn't shown up or if they'd gotten there a little later on. But what I needed was for them to stop with the overprotectiveness. I mean, yes, saving me from getting completely beaten beyond recognition I could deal with, but then moving on to fight the fight that I could have easily fought by myself, that was taking it too far for me.
Climbing out of the car and letting myself into the house I realised that they probably didn't even notice how it made me feel.
It made me feel weak and worthless. Like I wasn't able to do anything for myself. Like I would always need to be looked after by them. And I knew then that they would always be there.
As I walked up to my bedroom, realisation hit me. I was still never on my own unless I was asleep. My family still never left me alone.
I slammed my door shut out of frustration and locked it so they couldn't disturb me when they got back. So they couldn't harrass me with all their questions as I knew they would.
They still didn't trust me to be on my own.
I knew that Bella was with me as much as she could be because of the love that she felt for me. Like the love that I felt for her. I could never get enough of her and I missed her even when she was upstairs getting dressed and I was downstairs, or vice versa. I missed her as soon as she left through the front door to go to school. I missed her when she went into the bathroom each morning to get herself ready for school. I missed her when she left my arms for even a minute.
But my family was different.
They were always with me because they didn't trust me.
That thought tore me up inside. I thought that after everything I had been through to prove to them that I was doing okay, that I was getting better, would prove to them that I could be left on my own. I knew now, what that look was on Esme and Carlisle's faces when they had to leave for work, knowing that I would be on my own. It was worry. Not of whether I would be okay on my own. But the worry that came with the question "will he hurt himself today?". I hated that look, but now that I realised what lay behind it, I despised it. I also now understood why Esme had been working from home a lot more. Four days out of five she would be working at home now. At first I had thought that it was so she could keep me company while the others were at school and Carlisle was at work. I knew now, that it was to keep an eye on me. To make sure that I ate, to make sure that I didn't do anything stupid. They were still treating me like a child. And I hated the thought.
I felt the hot tears running down my face as I leaned back and slid down my door, bringing my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around my legs.
I was still being treated like a child. Like I was a china doll that would break any moment, and had to be wrapped in cotton wool, so that nothing would happen to it. I hated being treated this way. There was only one person who didn't treat me that way.
Bella.
Everything came back to her. Yes, she protected me. But only from the things that she knew that I knew I needed protecting from. She was always there, pushing me forward with my recovery, encouraging me to get better. Not for her, even though she had played that card once in the clinic. But she made sure that I did it for me.
My family on the other hand seemed to be holding me back. The seemed to always want to shield me from what was happening around me. If I asked a question I would never get a full answer from them like I would from Bella. I cursed myself mentally for not realising all of this sooner.
They thought that I was still the Edward I was when I came home from the hospital after I had tried to kill myself. Couldn't they see that I wasn't him anymore. That I was stronger than that. That I didn't need to be supervised like a child.
I stood up and walked over to my bed, shedding my jacket and hanging over the chair that stood in front of my desk as I went. I hadn't taken my shoes off downstairs as my head was still trying to wrap around and make sense of the things that were flying around my head at the time. I knew that I would probably get in trouble for that later on. I sat down on my bed before taking off my shoes. I threw my shoes carelessly across the room and curled up on my bed. Today had taken a lot out of me, I knew that, but I was too wired to sleep. There was too much going on in my head.
A little while later, I wasn't so sure on how much later, as I hadn't been paying attention to the time, I heard car doors slamming and I knew that the others were home. I looked over at my door, making sure that it was locked. I didn't want to see anyone at the moment. Not even Bella. It hurt to admit that, but it was true. I didn't want her to see me this way. I knew that on some level I was being selfish, but I knew that it would hurt her to see me feeling this way. It always did. Even though she could brush it off with her actions, her eyes, those deep chocolate brown eyes, gave away her hidden pain. I hated being the cause of that pain and I sure as hell couldn't bear to see it there today.
I heard the front door slam and several pairs of feet running up the stairs. I knew that they were coming up to check on me. Either to make sure that I was okay or to make sure I hadn't done anything stupid. What the reasons were I didn't know and I didn't care. I wasn't going to let them in. Not yet anyway. The only ones who could get into my room when the door was locked were Carlisle, Esme and myself. They had keys to get in, though they had never had a reason to use them.
"Edward?" I heard Bella call from just outside the door, trying to open it, yet failing. "Edward, love, open the door. Please?" I could hear the worry in her voice but I didn't answer.
"Edward, come on." Jasper was there as well. I could also hear that he was worried. I cringed thinking that I had gone that far. Jasper was always the calm one in the family and hardly ever got worked up, even in his fights with Emmett. He was always the cool, calm and collected one of us.
"Edward!" I heard Alice whine and I instantly knew that they were all there. I picked up my pillow, turned over and put the pillow over my head so that I didn't have to listen to them anymore.
I heard banging on my door, even though it was muffled my the pillow. "Edward! Come on! This isn't funny, man! Open up!" Emmett yelled, panic in his voice. The last time I had shut myself in my room like this, I had sliced my wrists open, so I guessed he had every right to be worried.
I heard Bella talking to them quietly outside the door. They were all grumbling, and I knew that Bella was sending them all downstairs so that she could talk to me.
"Edward, love?" I heard her call as I took my head out from under my pillow, resting my head on it. "Please open the door. I just want to know that you're alright? What happened babe? You just walked off. What's wrong? You can tell me, you know that right?"
I didn't answer. I knew that I was being a complete jerk to her when she was only trying to help me but I didn't know what else to do at this point. All I wanted was to be alone. But I should have known, that in this house that wasn't possible. If you're me that is.
"I'm not going anywhere." She told me, defiance in her voice as though she could hear my thoughts. "I'm going to wait here until you talk to me." I heard her lean against the door and slide down it, sitting down on the other side. "I'm going to sit right here until you talk to me." And I knew that she would. I had a long thread and a lot of patience. It would take me a long time to give in and talk to her, and I knew that she wouldn't cave until I did.
I laid there, staring out the window, watching as the sky grew darker, not saying anything, not moving. Just watching as the sun began to leave the sky. I knew that Esme was home, as she had come up the stairs, after obviously being told by the others what had happened today at the beach. She had told Bella to come downstairs and they would let Carlisle "deal with it"as she had so delicately put it. It had taken Esme a while, but she had convinced her to move, but with the solemn threat that she would be back up there as soon as Carlisle was home. I didn't care at that point. I wanted to be alone. I needed to be alone.
I needed to think.
And that was something I couldn't do when I was being hounded by my family. I hated to include Bella in that phrase at this point, but I did.
Just after Esme got home, my stomach started to growl, but I ignored it. I didn't want to see my family now. I knew that I could hold out until the next morning. Even though this would cause them to worry about me, the fact that I hadn't eaten for a good few hours or so, I didn't really care. I needed my space.
I decided that lying there wasn't getting me anywhere so I decided to read something. I pulled out the Biology book that I had had to get for Junior year and settled for going through it, seeing what I remembered. Testing myself. It was a good distraction for a while. Until Carlisle came home that is.
I sighed as I heard Carlisle's car coming up the driveway and I knew that as soon as the front door closed they would be all over him, telling him how I had locked myself in my room. I knew what was coming, and yet I didn't really care. I knew that he wouldn't just rush up here and demand that I let him in, or use his key immediately. No. He was too calm and collected for that. He would listen to what they had to say, what had happened after they had gotten to the beach, Emmett would tell him what he had heard over the phone and after they were all done telling him, he would weigh up his options and "deal with me" accordingly.
After a while, I heard the panicked chatter from downstairs subside. I didn't know what was happening now, and I didn't really want to know. I continued to read the passage I had open about cells, even though it was one of the most boring things I had ever written.
A moment later, I heard footsteps ascending the stairs and I knew instantly it was Carlisle. He had obviously told the others to remain downstairs and from the sound of it, they all had, even thought I knew it had to be paining Bella to do so. Someone would have to be holding her down to keep her down there. I knew that if it was me they would do. I heard him place his key in the lock of my door, obviously realising that asking me to open it would prove fruitless. He was right.
I looked up and saw him standing there with a bowl in his hands. He smiled a small smile at me, walking over to me. "I'm not going to ask you what happened today, as I know that you won't tell me now. If you want to tell me, you can, but I'm not going to push." As annoying as this family can be sometimes, I had to appreciate Carlisle's consideration sometimes. "I brought you some dinner." He walked over to me. "It's chicken noodles. I know I'm breaking the rules here, but I figured that you wouldn't want to eat with the rest of the family today."
"I'm not hungry." I told him bluntly and he sighed.
"I don't Edward. You need to eat." He placed the bowl on the bed in front of me, just in front of the book I had laid out on the bed.
I slammed the book closed, annoyed now. "All you care about is whether or not I eat?" I snapped at his retreating form.
He stopped in the doorway and turned around to look at me, his expression a mixture of sadness and anger. "You know Edward, it's what most parents want. For their children to eat. To thrive. To grow."
"How can I "thrive and grow" when I'm always under constant surveillance?" I retorted. "I thought that part of my recovery was for me to discover my own independence. To fight my own battles. Not to have my family fight them for me."
"Is that what this is about?" He asked, placing a hand on the doorknob. "The fact that the others came to the beach earlier?"
"No that's not it." I sighed. "Yes, I'll admit I was grateful that they stopped me from getting the crap beaten out of me. But they could have left it at that. They didn't need to carry on the way they did. I could have done that myself!"
"They were only looking out for you Edward. They were trying to help-"
"That's the point!" I was almost yelling at him now. "Everyone is always trying to help me! So much so that I never get a chance to help myself! I feel like I'm being smothered. Again!"
He took a deep breath. "I'm sorry you feel that way, Edward. Now....eat your dinner and we'll talk about this later."
"I told you!" I picked up the bowl. "I don't want it!" To emphasise my point I threw the bowl on the floor, hoping he'd get the point and stop trying to push me to eat. He stood there staring at the bowl that was now upside down on my floor, noodles spilling out onto the carpet.
"Fine." He said, his voice calm and measured. He looked back up at me, his face blank. "You can eat it off the floor."
I glared at him as he left. He didn't close my door and I immediately threw myself off of the bed and slammed it closed, locking it before anyone else had a chance to worm their way into my room. I turned around and leaned my back against the door, resting my head on it as I let the tears that had been threatening to fall, spill over.
I knew that this was going to get worse before it got better. Even though I had tried hard not to, I had done the one thing that I promised myself I wouldn't.
I had taken a step backwards.
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