DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS FROM TWILIGHT. THEY ALL BELONG TO STEPHENIE MEYER.
Okay I had serious writer's block with this chapter, so if it doesn't flow then I apologise.
EPOV
I know I was being childish. That the best way to deal with what had happened today by talking to my family. But I just couldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to talk to them. I don't know what it was. Maybe it was the fact that I was feeling humiliated, suffocated, misunderstood, hurt, and some part of me was scared as well. I didn't know why I was scared, because there wasn't really anything to be scared scared about. I could just feel it in my heart.
Oh, and not to mention the fact that the depression I had spent the last eight months trying to squash was trying to resurface.
Everything that I had been working for during therapy and my time at the clinic.....there was a chance that everything that I had been working for could be wiped out. I had worked so hard. It was harder than I had let on, to let go of all that pain that I had felt. I hadn't even let on to Bella how hard it was and how much it hurt for me to do this. I had known that it was going to be hard, but I hadn't thought that I would be feeling this bad.
I made a good show of putting on a front to everyone around me. Hell, I had spent such a long time pretending to everyone around me that I was okay, it wasn't that hard to do. For the most part anyway. Bella had come so close a couple of times to figuring out that I wasn't okay. Even though she would never say anything, at least not outright, she would always wait for me to make the first move. To speak first. But I could see in her eyes that she knew that something was wrong. Like today at the beach. She knew that something wasn't okay with me. I could tell by the way she was looking at me while the others were yelling at Jacob.
That girl - my girl - was to intuitive for her own good. She knew too much and she saw too much. On some level, when I was in the clinic, I welcomed it, but now that I was out, I didn't. I didn't want anyone to be able to figure out what I was feeling. Somehow in the clinic, it felt and seemed okay for people to be inside my head, and yet now that I was out of there, it felt only natural for me to close myself off from people again. Just like before.
Except I didn't think in the same way that I did before the clinic. Yes, I wanted to close myself off from people, but I didn't have the same self-destructive thoughts that were always running through my head before. I didn't feel the need to hurt myself like I did before. So something must have worked in there. Spending time in that place must have done at least some good.
The only thing that I couldn't help but think was that it wasn't only my mind that was to blame for my change in thought and behaviour. I couldn't help wondering if it was the doing of my mind at all. All I could think was that it was the medication that I was forced to swallow every day.
I know that something wasn't right in my own head.
It was like something was shielding my thought patterns. Shielding my mind from what it really wants to realise. Kind of like I was wrapped in cotton wool or something. I didn't know what to think.
Was it really me?
Or was it the medication that was sat down in the kitchen?
Letting my mind mill over what was going through it, I sat back on my bed after Carlisle left and stared out the window. I didn't know what else to do. I knew that I should clear up the noodles on my floor. I knew that I should have eaten the noodles instead of throwing them on the floor. But the only problem is, I didn't regret doing it. Something in me was trying to overthrow what I have been working for for the last eight months. Something in my mind was rejecting all the time and money that had been put into my recovery. My time. Carlisle's time and money. Derek's time.
And most importantly Bella's time. She had put her life on hold just to make sure that I was okay. She had put her trust in me and I was letting her down. I couldn't handle letting her down. I didn't know what it was. Something inside of me was able to put my family through the pain that I had, but there was something else that wasn't able to hurt Bella in that same way. I didn't know what to do. There was something in my head that was pleading with me to try, to at least make the effort to be okay. And yet there was another side to me that was screaming at me to just let everything go. To stop trying. To forget everything that they had told me in the clinic and therapy sessions since.
And I didn't know which one to listen to.
Both were overpowering me. I felt like I was being wrenched in all different directions. Not just in my head but in my heart.
All I needed was a sign. Something to tell me what I was supposed to do.
Lying on my bed I continued to stare out of the window, watching as the light left the sky and twilight set in. The saddest part of the day. The time of day that is neither night nor day, light nor dark. Something that I didn't really understand. It signified the end. And for me, it always signified the end of another chapter of my life. A life that was not uneventful.
Oh, how I wished that I had an uninteresting, simple life. It was something that I had wished for since I had lost my parents.
Nobody bothered me. Not at all. Obviously it was something that Carlisle had told them. I was in some way grateful for him for doing that, as I wasn't really in the mood for company at the moment.
I only wanted to see one person at the moment. And I didn't even know if she wanted to see me. I knew that I had hurt her. I knew that she was probably feeling betrayed and rejected by the fact that I didn't want to talk to her earlier today. And I didn't know how to make that better. I didn't know how to tell her that I was sorry, that I wished I could take it all back.
I heard light footsteps coming up the stairs, someone creeping up them, not wanting to be found out by the others downstairs. I knew immediately from the slight shuffling of the feet on the stairs that it was Bella. I smiled at the idea of her creeping up the stairs to come see me. I rolled off of my bed gently and padded over to my door, listening to them creeping closer. I could hear them stopping every so often, obviously checking to see if she had been discovered and if anyone was following her up the stairs.
I slowly and quietly unlocked it before moving back onto my bed. I wanted her and only her to come into my room. I knew that she wouldn't judge me. She never would. All she wanted to do was try to understand me.
I lay on my bed, facing away from the door. I didn't want her to see me like this. As I lay down I felt tears welling in my eyes, beginning to spill down my face.
I heard my the handle on my door twist slowly and the door pushed open gently. I heard it creak as it opened ever so slowly and I heard Bella padding into my room quietly and gently.
"Edward?" She whispered as she closed my door, locking it behind her. I silently thanked her for doing that, as I didn't want anyone else to interrupt us. Even if this isn't the best conversation that we've ever had, i still want it to be between just me and Bella. Nobody else. "Edward, love?" I heard her quietly making her way over to my bed. "Edward, baby, talk to me. Are you okay?"
I didn't raise my head or turn over but I shook my head slightly and I heard her sigh behind me. I felt the bed drop as she sat down tentatively on the edge of it. She shuffled over to me and placed a hand on my arm. I had thought that maybe I wouldn't want to have anyone touch me, even her, after my revelation today, but to my surprise I didn't react in the way I normally did with everyone else. I reacted the same way that I did with Bella.
Nothing happened.
I sighed as she lay down next to me. She pressed herself into me and kissed the back of my neck gently. I rolled over and buried my head into her shoulder and she ran her hand through my hair, kissing my temple gently.
"It's okay," She whispered softly in my ear. "It's okay, baby. It's alright." She wrapped her arms around me, sliding one of them underneath me and resting one of her hands between my shoulderblades and the other one began making small circles on the bottom of my back.
"I don't know." I whispered back and she began rocking gently. She
"What happened today, baby?" She breathed to me. "Tell me."
"I don't know." I whispered again. The tears were falling down my face more freely now as she continued to try to soothe me. "I don't know what happened."
"Carlisle told us what you said." She admitted softly. "He told us that you're feeling smothered and watched all the time. Is that true?" I nodded slowly, pulling me head back so I could look at her. She pushed a few strands of hair out of my eyes and sighed gently. "Tell me."
"It feels....like....it did when i came out of the hospital when I...." I paused, not really knowing how to explain it to her properly. She nodded gently, showing that she knew the time I was talking about. "After I came out, it was like, I don't know....um....kind of....I don't know how to explain." I thought for a moment. "You've read the book 1984, right?" She nodded looking slightly confused. "Well...you know the phrase "Big Brother Is Watching You"?" She nodded again, the look of confusion still on her face. "That's what it felt like when I came out. I was always being watched. I wasn't ever left alone. The only time I was alone was when I was in my room and even then, I would close my door and then moments later, someone would open it again. It was like I couldn't ever get a moments peace and I ..... I just feel....like that's what happening again. I don't know...." I sighed.
"You feel like they don't trust you?" I looked her in the eye and nodded.
"How can I not feel that way?" I sighed. "I realised it on the way home from the beach. I'm never on my own. The only time I am is when I'm asleep or in the bathroom. I mean, Esme's even working from home now. And don't say its because she worried about me. It's because they think that I'm going to do something to hurt myself again. And....I just feel like....there's never going to be a time when they do trust me, you know?"
"I trust you." She whispered, kissing me gently on the forehead.
"I know you do." I gave her a small smile. "But it's like nobody else does." I sighed again, not looking her in the eye. "It's like, they don't trust me to make my own decisions at all. Like....today at the beach. Yeah, I appreciate that you all came and prevented me from being completely smooshed my Jacob, but, it's like....I could have handled it by myself after, but...I was never given a chance. Like, I'm never given the chance to do anything on my own. Ever."
"Oh, baby." She cooed at me, but I could tell that she wasn't trying to be patronising. It was just how she was with me. "Everyone was just trying to help you."
"I know," I took a deep breath. "I know. I know that everyone just wants to help me, but....I need to learn to help myself." I looked up into her eyes. "And, I feel like there isn't a way for me to do that at the moment. I feel like....I can't .... breathe. At least not without someone watching me, judging what I'm going to do. Waiting for me to screw up in some way. Which I've already done!"
"What do you mean?" She asked, her deep chocolate eyes boring into mine. "How have you screwed up?"
"I know Carlisle told you about what happened when he came up here." I whispered, looking away from her gaze.
"Yeah, he did." She admitted, trying to brush those few stubborn strands of hair out of my eyes. "He told us about what you did. But I know....I know that was just your anger talking."
"That's the point." I sobbed, tears flowing freely again. "I don't think that it was."
"What do you mean?" She began to look worried now and I hesitated in telling her what I meant. I hadn't meant for that to slip out and I knew, now that it had, she wasn't going to let it drop. That familiar stubborn look in her eyes took hold as she looked at me. "Edward." She said sternly, holding my face in place with her hands, making it so that I couldn't look away from her. "What. Do. You. Mean?" She hadn't ever used that tone with me before. The only one I had heard her use that tone with was Jacob. Before her anger got the better of her that is. "Tell me."
I closed my eyes and gulped audibly. I was in for it now.
I didn't know how to tell her what I had meant. I didn't know how to put it into words.
"I...." I took a deep breath. "It sometimes...feels....like it's not really me....making the decisions." I opened my eyes to find a perplexed look on her face. "Like....there are two sides of me. One telling me to keep fighting, to.....to keep working, and that if I do, it'll all be okay, you know? But....but then....there's another side to me that just keeps telling me to give up. That there's no point to anything any more. That...that it doesn't matter how hard I fight....I'll never win, so I might as well give up." I looked away from her again, which was hard to do seeing as she still had my head trapped. "And....and I don't know which side to listen to." I whispered.
"Yes, you do." She told me firmly. "You do know which side to listen to." She shook my head lightly, telling me she wanted me to look at her while she spoke. "You listen to the side that tells you to keep fighting. You know that."
"Do I?" I questioned her. "I mean, it's like....I don't know...it feels like, whenever I make a decision, it's not fully me. It's like I don't really know how I feel."
"What do you mean?"
"I don't know." I admitted. Do I tell her about my worries about the medication? The look in her eyes told me that she wasn't going to let me go until I gave her an answer she was happy with. And I knew with Bella and myself at odds with each other, even under circumstances such as these, that that could be a long time from now. "Sometimes I think that....somehow...its not me really thinking...but it seems like it could be...the medication. I don't know." She looked at me even more confused than usual.
"What do you mean the medication?" She asked me, even more confused.
"It's like...I'm wrapped in cotton wool or something, and I can't feel anything and that I'm not aware of anything that's happening around me. I can't help thinking that something....else....is kind of um.....influencing the way that I'm thinking you know? Like, there's something else, inside my head."
"Sssh, baby. It's okay." She pulled my head to her chest and kissed my temple lovingly.
This was the only stability that I had known since coming to Forks. She was the one thing that had been there for me. I didn't know what Id do if she disappeared. And yet, she was disappearing. She was leaving me. Even though it was forced, she was leaving.
And the worst part was I didn't really know how I felt about it. I know that I should be feeling down and low, depressed even. But I wasn't. At the moment at least. Maybe it just hadn't sunk in yet.
With this thought in mind I drifted into an uneasy sleep, Bella rocking and whispering that it was going to be okay in my ear.
At least being here with her, I didn't have to worry about her leaving or about what was waiting for me when I woke up and had to face my family. All I knew was that she was there, with me. And I didn't have to think about anything other than breathing in her sweet scent and listening to her soothing voice.
Everything else could wait for another day.
I'm not really happy with this chapter.
I had serious writer's block when I wrote this and to me it doesn't seem to flow properly.
Please review and tell me what you think.
There's a chance that I could go back and change it, when my mind is oiled and revolving properly.
Lemme know.
xx
