In the morning, Helena woke early with her decision in mind. She slipped out of bed without disturbing John, and made her way to the medical centre. She had already noticed that the Enterprise kept very early hours, so she was unsurprised to find Beverly already on duty.
"I'm in the process of discharging Mr Verdeschi," Beverly said, coming into the reception area. "He's one hundred percent now, if you want to check him over yourself. I haven't forgotten that he's your patient, after all."
"That's good, and I'm glad, but... that's not really why I came."
"Uhu. I thought I'd see you here sooner rather than later. Come on over here."
She took Helena into one of the private bays, a small room filled with equipment.
"Hop onto the couch and let's see what we've got."
Feeling as awkward and reluctant as she always did when she was forced into the role of patient, Helena climbed onto the examination couch. Beverly manoeuvred a piece of equipment over her. Although Helena was intensely curious about its exact purpose and function, she did not want to parade her ignorance and so asked no questions. She watched in silence as Beverly touched some buttons and examined a hand-held device.
"Okay," said Beverly, after about two minutes, "what we've got is a foetus about thirty-two days old, nicely implanted, female, no genetic or other defects on a first analysis."
Helena breathed out. "Thirty-two days... are you dating that from conception?"
"Yes, of course."
"I guess that would be about right. You knew."
"I'm one of those people who can always tell. To me it looks like a woman has a bright glow under her skin. How do you feel?"
"Unsurprised."
"Sorry if I made you uncomfortable the other night, but I thought you might want to talk about it."
"I do now. Could we go someplace else, or are you on duty?"
"I am on duty, but I'll make a house call to Ten Forward if you like."
"Thank you... I hate hospitals when I'm on the receiving end."
They passed Tony on the way out, shrugging on his Alphan jacket. He looked, Helena thought, as washed-out and downbeat as if he had just recovered sober consciousness after a drunken night. His very movements seemed to want to avoid attention. "How are you feeling?" she asked.
"I'll live."
"If you want to come and see me later - you know - we could have a chat, just you and me."
"No thanks, Helena."
She touched his arm, feeling that she would have felt rebuffed if she were not to a certain extent working on automatic pilot herself and was at a remove from everything about her. The cup of coffee that Beverly placed in front of her seemed a long way off. The aroma caught her, and suddenly she decided she didn't want it. The croissant was unobjectionable, so she began to eat it without appetite. All of a sudden, almost in the space of the journey between the medical centre and Ten Forward, she had become aware of a gritty undertaste of nausea.
"So," said Beverly. "Accident?"
"No."
"I thought not."
"More like - political act. Except now I don't think I did the right thing."
"Why do you say that?"
"You remember all I told you, when we talked before, that I had an idea John might not want children at all. I thought I made a calm and conscious decision, but maybe I was just fooled by my hormones into thinking it was rational. Really, I was desperate, and now, when it comes down to it, it isn't about Alpha, the future of Alpha, it's me - and the man I love, whom I've deceived - and another human being, who didn't ask to be brought into all of this."
"Well, I can't imagine that he won't be pleased when you tell him."
"I don't know. You've no idea what an issue it is between us. Not with reference to us, the argument never got personal, but with Alpha."
"But you don't have to worry about that any more."
"No... if I'd just hung on it could have been all above board. That's how it should be, a mutual decision, not one partner forcing or deceiving the other."
"I imagine that a good half of the people walking about this ship were brought into existence without that mutual decision."
"What, even these days?"
"Oh yes. Men and women haven't changed since your time."
"I guess this is my time now. What about you? Did you and your husband plan your son?"
"Not exactly. To be truthful it was a bit of a surprise, though we rationalised it afterwards. That's why I say, these things work out in the end. You have a good relationship, that's what matters."
Helena toyed with the handle of the coffee cup, trying to bring herself round to drinking it. She did enjoy coffee in the mornings and it was so nice to have the real thing again after years of Alphan sludge; it would be such as shame not to be able to face it. "I haven't felt very close to him for the past few weeks, ever since I decided to do this. I've never kept something like this from him, and of course it's put a distance between us in my mind, though I don't think he's noticed. He's been preoccupied - worried about Maya - I mean, we didn't know that you were really coming for us - worried about what would happen to morale on Alpha if you didn't - worried about Tony, even. He didn't realise that he had to be worried about me, too. There was a girl on Alpha who got pregnant, accidentally. We had a command meeting to discuss it, it was very serious. That was just before Maya disappeared. I was already one day late then. I sat there, knowing that I could well be pregnant myself, and John was so implacable - he was more or less insisting that we try to persuade Carol to have an abortion. I got no feeling of sympathy from him."
"It sounds to me like you need to have a long talk with him and get all this sorted out."
"Yes... but I'd so much rather have done it from a position of strength, and not as the guilty party." She pushed the coffee aside again. The badge that they had given her to use as a communication device bleeped, making her start slightly.
John's voice said, "Uh - Helena?"
"Hello, John. It's me."
"Good, I'm still not sure how these things work. I feel pretty stupid standing here talking into mid-air. Wish we could have kept our comlocks."
"We don't want to look like we just walked out of the stone age," said Helena, smiling and wishing that everything between them could go back to where it had been. She hoped that it would, but it had to be different once he knew that she had been prepared to jeopardise it. With a sudden pang, she realised that she wanted to get it over with. She wanted to be back on intimate terms with him one way or the other, not isolated on the other side of her secret.
"Where are you?" he asked. "I thought you went to medical to see Tony."
"I did, but I ended up having breakfast with Beverly."
"How is he?"
"Physically fine, psychologically not so good."
"Is anyone going to bang their heads together?"
"Hm, I'll try to have another talk with Maya this morning, but I don't know, I get the feeling that things might not be looking too hopeful for Tony."
"Really?"
"I... don't know. I'll try to find out what the situation is."
"Okay, keep me informed. I don't want to put my foot in it. I've spoken to Captain Picard, he wants to see the command officers in his briefing room at nine hundred hours."
Helena glanced at the watch they had given her, set to shipboard time. It was just after eight. "I'll see you there."
He signed off, self-consciously, and she removed the badge from the fabric of her tunic and looked at it as if it retained some part of the voice that had spoken through it.
Beverly gave her what looked like an encouraging smile.
Maya did not feel different in the morning, except that the heat of shame had cooled away. She woke with an immediate memory of everything that had happened the night before and a sense of cold disgust.
She knew she ought to go and see how Tony was, but she doubted he would have died in the night and, otherwise, she couldn't bear to face him. Another shouting match would destroy what composure had grown overnight, and all she wanted to do was get off the ship and down to the planet without even seeing him.
She fingered her commbadge on the table, then tapped it lightly. "Maya to sickbay."
"Sickbay. Nurse Cooper speaking. How may I help you?"
"I'm just calling to enquire about Tony Verdeschi, who was brought in last night."
"The Alphan officer?"
"That's right."
"He was discharged at 0700 hours this morning."
"He's all right, then."
"Yes, Dr Crusher passed him as fit to be discharged."
"Thank you."
It was nearly half past eight, so he had obviously not decided to come to her to apologise. She stared into her coffee cup while, for a vivid half second, her mind threw up a vision of him slipping into her bed, sliding his arms around her and waking her with a kiss on her neck. She put the idea aside, and concentrated on remaining calm.
Just as she was fastening on her badge, it sounded again. "Hello, Maya?" It was the Commander's voice.
"Maya here, Commander."
"Can you be in the Captain's briefing room in half an hour?"
"Yes, of course."
She dressed more formally than she had intended and put her hair up, wondering at the back of her mind whether this could be anything to do either with the incident at the reception or her intended trip to Lanthenon. She approached the briefing room with a feeling of dread, and entered in an agony of self-consciousness. The Commander and Helena were already seated at the table, and so was Tony. She only let her glance graze him, but she saw that he looked sullen. Captain Picard was at the head of the table, and Deanna Troi sat at his right side. Will was not there.
The Captain greeted her, pleasantly, and invited her to join them.
"Now that we've all here," said the Captain, "please let me start by saying that the Federation is genuinely concerned to find the best re-integration option for all of the Alphans. You are all citizens of Earth - I'm sorry, Maya, I mean that with one exception, you are all citizens of Earth - and as such are entitled to residency on the homeworld. However, I feel I should be honest and make it clear to you that this may not be what you might expect, or what you all want. Residency entitlement on Earth is considered a privilege, and it's only granted to those who have a hereditary right to it, or those who marry an Earth citizen, or - very rarely - when someone can do a job that no Earth citizen can fulfil. I should point out that most races in the galaxy have similar restrictions on residency on their homeworlds. Spacefaring peoples are geared, nowadays, to colonisation and expansion."
"We're concerned," said Deanna, "that you might not find it easy to readjust to life on Earth, without families, without connections, and without professions. The fact that you are all highly trained, highly intelligent people could make it more difficult for you to come to terms with having no relevant qualifications and no immediate place in Earth society. Now you can and will be retrained, but we wondered if, given your experiences and your obviously highly developed sense of community on Alpha, you might prefer to stay together and colonise a planet."
"Colonise a plant!" said Helena, with a catch of surprised eagerness in her voice. Maya saw her exchange a glance with the Commander, who remained impassive.
"The minimum colony size laid down by the Federation Council for Colonies is two hundred persons," said the Captain. "There are over three hundred of you. Individually, the Alphans may have other preferences, other plans. But if at least two hundred of you want to pursue this option, I am authorised to tell you that the FCC has available an M-class planet in the Argetta Region where you could settle almost immediately. Normally, potential colonists wait years for an allocation and have to demonstrate their motivation and suitability at some length. In your circumstances, they are willing to bypass the normal procedure."
"You would all be given a six-month retraining period in any case," said Deanna. "Starbase Twenty-Nine specialises in preparing colonists for the task ahead of them, and they'd adapt the course to equip you with some of the twenty-fourth century skills you don't have at the moment. But it may be more rewarding for you all you carry on living with each other, operating at more or less your own level, each of you continuing to make a valuable contribution to a small, growing society - than to end up back on Earth."
"It is, of course, entirely up to you," said the Captain, lifting his hands.
A tight sick knot of tension had formed at the pit of Maya's stomach. She sensed that Helena was excited and almost nervous, and the Commander looked thoughtful as he glanced between them.
"Well," he said, "I'll have to put it to the rest of the Alphans."
"Of course."
`"When do we have to make up our minds?"
"There is no great pressure of time," said the Captain.
"Captain," said Maya, "may I ask a question?"
"By all means."
"Did I understand what you said correctly? Would I not be allowed to live on Earth?"
"Yes - unfortunately - I'm afraid that's probably the case. I'm sorry, Maya, but residency limitations on Earth are strictly enforced. Unless, of course, you were married to an Earth citizen."
"But I have no homeworld. Where would I go?"
"Almost anywhere else," said Deanna, leaning over the table and touching her hand in a sudden, unexpected gesture of sympathy. "If the Alphans don't want to establish a colony, or you don't want to be part of it if they do, we'll find you a home."
Maya scarcely heard the concluding exchanges of the meeting. She was fighting a whirlpool of panic and concentrating on keeping it under control and hidden. The touch of Deanna's fingers on her hand had made her aware that she was exposed to one person around the table; as soon as they were outside, she realised that her consternation was self-evident. The Commander put his arms around her shoulders and hugged her.
"Maya - don't worry - we won't leave you to fend for yourself."
"You're one of us," said Helena, taking her hand. "We'll stick together."
"That may not be reasonable," Maya said. "If you and the other Alphans want to go back to your home planet, and I know I might want to in your situation, you won't not go because I can't."
"The Earth we knew doesn't exist anymore," said Helena. "I think we should do it."
"The colony, you mean?" said the Commander. "Yes, I thought you liked the idea."
"Don't you, John?"
"If the others back us - yes, I do."
Helena smiled at him.
The weight began to slide away from her spirits, the weight that she had been carrying almost since she had arrived on the Enterprise, and for a few moments she was almost happy. She looked at Tony, who had said nothing, and he met her eyes.
Captain Picard came out of the conference room and said, "Mr Koenig, Mr Verdeschi - I wonder if I could have a further word with you both?"
Maya tensed again. Helena hesitated forward, then realised that her presence had not been requested, and stopped. "I'll see you back in our quarters," she said to the Commander.
With some reluctance, Maya allowed herself to be walked down the corridor by Helena. Neither of them spoke for some time, but she was sure that Helena was thinking the same as her; that the further, private conference could only have been about the fight at the reception.
Eventually, Helena said, "We'd better get our people together and tell them what Captain Picard suggested. How do you do that here, can we make a tannoy announcement?"
"I think so."
"Perhaps you could ask your friend Commander Riker."
"I'm sure Commander Koenig will make the arrangements."
They reached the door of Helena's quarters. "Come on in," she said. "It's odd, isn't it, to have nothing to do. I keep wanting to go to the medical centre and check it out."
"Yes, I felt that way too, very much, when I came here. Helena, if we do colonise a planet - that's what you want to do, isn't it?"
"This may sound strange, but I want somewhere to belong, somewhere to be important. In some ways I liked Alpha, despite the restrictions and the frustrations. There was a sense of certainty combined with a sense of adventure, and I liked being useful. I liked power, I guess you might say. There's no other way of putting it. I don't want to go back to Earth to be a nobody, or some kind of freak celebrity."
"Well, the Commander seems to agree with you."
"And you, Maya? What do you want?"
"I don't really know," she said, surprising herself.
Her commbadge sounded. "Riker to Maya."
"Maya here," she said, trying to sound businesslike in Helena's presence.
"All set?"
"Not... yet. I've been in a meeting, I haven't had time to get ready."
"No problems? You still want to go?"
"No problems. I still want to go."
"I'll meet you in docking bay nine of 1200 hours, then."
"Understood. Out."
"Going somewhere?" said Helena.
"Commander Riker thought I might enjoy visiting Lanthenon," she said, desperately casual.
"That's nice. I heard last night that there are some beautiful places to see there. If you're leaving at twelve, we'd better have the meeting with the others before then."
"Don't worry, I don't need to be there. I understood what the Captain said."
"But Maya, I want you to be there, I don't want it to feel that it doesn't concern you."
"I don't feel like that."
"How late will you be back? We can set it for this evening instead."
"I'm not coming back this evening. Will has twenty-four hours shore leave."
"You're staying overnight?"
"Yes."
"On Lanthenon, with Commander Riker?"
"Yes!"
"Maya, are you sure this is a good idea?"
"Why not? Why shouldn't I? I'm going to visit a planet with a friend, that's all. It's a very long time since I had the chance to go to any planet that wasn't dangerous. All I want to do is breathe some fresh air and walk on some real grass. Will happened to have already booked this, and he's invited me to go with him. There's nothing more to it than that."
"It might look to other people as if there were more to it than that."
"You're sounding like Tony."
"Maya, you can't blame him for being jealous. You have to make some decisions here. And if you decide Will Riker is the man for you - well, that's great. But if this is just a flirtation, or some way of getting back at Tony because you're angry about what happened last night, I would think very carefully before doing something you might regret later on."
Maya was embarrassed into silence, and she felt heat rise into her face.
"Or," said Helena, more gently, "does that advice come too late already?"
"No! Of course not." She stood up in exasperation, hating but goaded to talk. "But Tony doesn't believe that! He doesn't trust me. Ever since he got here he's been unreasonable and impossible. What happened last night was the culmination. Is it going to be like this from now on, Helena? Is he going to shout at me every time I speak to another man, now we've left Alpha?"
"I don't know."
"He only ever once said that he loved me, and then he took it back," she said, with an unexpected surge of bitterness.
"That's just Tony," said Helena, with half a smile.
"Would you find it amusing?"
"No..."
"I've got to go and get ready," Maya said, getting up.
"Maya - talk to Tony, explain that Commander Riker's just a friend, try to tell him what you told me - that you want some commitment from him. He does love you, very much. You can't just go off to Lanthenon with Will and expect it not to change things. Don't do something - irrevocable."
"You have no difficulty talking to the Commander," said Maya. "You don't understand."
She left, shaken.
He almost forgot. It was only as he was striding past the entrance to the corridor that led to her office, on his way to his own quarters to throw some things into a bag, that he remembered he had to speak to Deanna. He halted in mid-step and took the turning, half-hoping that she would be with a visitor, as she called her patients.
She wasn't there at all. Her office was locked. He asked the computer for her location and was told that she was in her quarters. Ashamed of the twinge of dismay, he went straight there.
She looked up from her desk as he entered, after punching a cursory signal at the door. "Hi."
"Deanna, can I have a word with you?"
"Of course," she said brightly. She left her desk and went to the sofa.
He joined her there. "We planned to take shore leave on Lanthenon - "
"Well, I haven't got myself ready to go, because I know you want to take Maya instead."
"That's it. Sometimes I think you're always one step ahead of me."
"I have an unfair advantage."
"I should have asked you before I asked her - "
"Yes, you should. But if the moment's there, you take it. Is she going with you?"
"Yes."
Deanna looked away.
He felt a brief apprehension, near pain.
She said, as if carefully considering, "I don't want you to misunderstand if I sound the voice of caution, Will. You know I want for you what will make you happy. I just wonder if you're doing the right thing."
"Why, don't you like her?"
"She's bright and funny, I like her very much. And if she were unattached, I would be delighted for you. But I can't help feeling that you're not serving her best interests by trying to break up the relationship she's already in."
He stood up, exasperated. "Oh, she can't be serious about Verdeschi."
"Why not?"
"He's a brainless lout! She's three times smarter than he is."
"A third party can never really understand what two people value in each other. When I first saw them together a sensed a great deal of empathy between them, as well as a strong physical bond. True, since you started stirring things they've done nothing but fight, but at least that shows they have strong feelings about each other."
He slapped the back of the sofa, moving restlessly. "I can't be rational about it any more, Deanna. I want to care about what's best for her and I know I've caused trouble for her, but I can't seem to help myself now. It's like something's possessed me, I can't think about anything else. I swear to you, the only thing I thought about when I met her two weeks ago was how good it would be to get her into bed - and now, I can't believe I was so cavalier. I'm going to get her away from the Alphans and from Verdeschi, and tell her how I feel. Then she can make up her mind."
Deanna was watching him, her head slightly to one side, with her patient counsellor's look.
Suddenly aware that he had been too voluble, Riker forced himself to sit down to calm the driving motion inside him. He slid his arms over her neck and gathered her against him. She was warm and supple, very sweet. "Ah, imzadi," he said, pressing his face into her hair. "When this is over one way or the other, I'll make it up to you, I promise."
"If things work out the way you hope with Maya, you may not be able to," she said, calmly. She pressed his hand.
He thought of all the times he had wondered in the middle of the night if Deanna was the woman he was really supposed to be with, if it had been a fundamental, fragmenting mistake in his life to let her go all those years ago, and if he would ever be free of that disturbing regret and even more disturbing desire to begin it again. For the first time in a long time, he hoped he would.
She had the replicator make her a small suitcase and started to pack what few necessary items she could think of, still unused to the casual availability of material things. New cosmetics, new toiletries, a new hairbrush and bands. She was just folding a new negligee when she heard the outer door open. She had forgotten to lock it as usual.
It was Tony. He hesitated in the bedroom doorway, awkward. "Maya..." he began, quietly, then he stiffened. "What are you doing?"
She was still holding the nightdress.
"It's you he's going off to that planet with, isn't it!" he cried. He snatched the nightdress from her hand.
"What
are you going to do?" said Maya, frozen. "Hit me, too?"
"No,
I have some instincts of self-preservation." He balled up the
negligee and threw it against the bedstead with a motion of disgust.
Then he turned away and said in a lower tone, "Picard said that
Riker was off on shore leave, so I wouldn't be tempted to kill him
for a couple of days at least. I should have known he wasn't the
kind of man to holiday alone."
"You've no idea what kind of man he is, because you've never spoken to him."
"Oh, you expect me to have become a bosom buddy, do you?"
"No, but you could have made some attempt to get to know him as my friend - or at the very least, show him some respect as first officer of the Enterprise."
"That's it. I spent a lot of time when I was hooked up to that machine last night trying to work out how you could possibly have been taken in by an overweight Lothario like that, but now I get it. He's Mr Enterprise - second in command of this ship is better than second in command of some runaway moonbase."
"Tony, I will not listen to any more of these nonsensical accusations."
"You've always been keen on authority. You're a real Daddy's girl, aren't you. If you want my opinion, a lot of your problems are down to your father."
"Don't you dare talk about my father. You never even met him."
"Oh, come on, Maya, your father was a bloody lunatic! He nearly killed us all."
For a moment she had a vision of herself as a tiger or a hyena, springing at him with outstretched claws. The image was so vivid that the transformation might have started, because she saw his eyes widen and he took half a step back. The flash of fear in his expression was enough to bring her back to herself, and she stuffed the nightdress into the case, fastened it shut, and left the bedroom. "Excuse me."
Recovering his posture, Tony said, "Maya - if you go with him to the planet, then it is over!"
"Oh, that's fine by me!" she shouted back.
She half-ran along the corridor, heedlessly.
Helena stayed in her quarters and worried until John returned from the additional meeting with Captain Picard, looking weary.
"He was reasonable about it, I suppose," he said, accepting a mug of coffee. "Given that the facts of the matter seem to be that Tony assaulted Riker. He just wanted to hear our side of the story and know if there was anything they could do to help."
"Helping again," said Helena with a smile.
"Kind of worrying, isn't it? God knows, I didn't have a side, I haven't any idea what's been going on - I didn't know there was anything going on until you told me yesterday, after the event. I felt like an incompetent commander, I fumbled with generalities."
"Tony?"
"Ah, he was better, he actually said sorry. I get the impression he was off to make it up with Maya."
"Oh? I wonder. It's just that Maya left here not half an hour ago determined to go to Lanthenon with Commander Riker."
John looked surprised and rubbed his mouth. "This has been a whirlwind romance, hasn't it?"
"I think she's been swept off her feet."
"Hell, poor Tony. Do you think she's going to stay with Riker?"
"She might."
"Damn. I don't want to lose her."
"No, if we're going to colonise a planet, we could certainly use her."
"Still, these things happen, I guess."
Helena felt a sudden sick twinge of guilt and fear as she watched him gazing into his coffee cup, reasonably perturbed by the possible break-up of one relationship and untroubled by any suspicion that his own had already been changed. Now was as good a time as any to tell him - she doubted there was such as thing as the right moment - but she shrank from it. They ought to get the meeting with the Alphans out of the way first.
The 'public' meeting was set for thirteen hundred hours, but John failed to get Tony to respond to a personal hail over the communicators. Helena felt she was the one to investigate, and she found him eventually in Maya's quarters. He was just sitting in one of the armchairs, slumped as if asleep but obviously awake. He had something in his hand. As Helena came hesitantly closer she saw that it was Maya's necklace, the only thing, other than the clothes she had been wearing, that she had been able to bring with her from her destroyed homeworld.
He stirred and looked up, expressionlessly. "The shuttle left half an hour ago. I checked. She was on it."
"Tony..."
"I didn't think she'd really do it."
"She told me she just wanted to see Lanthenon, breathe some fresh air, you know. There may be nothing more to it than that - why don't you give her the benefit of the doubt, and talk it through when she gets back."
"I told her that if she went with him, we were finished."
"It's not the best idea to issue ultimatums you don't want to keep."
He was silent for a moment. "What I can't stop thinking about is how she came out with all that crap about Psychon family values, about how in her society marriages never broke up - "
"But Tony, you and Maya are not married. From things she's said to me at odd times, I don't think you've been sending her messages of commitment."
"She knows how I feel."
"Does she?" said Helena, more sharply than she had intended.
After a long silence he tossed the necklace onto the table with a clatter. "To hell with it. To hell with her."
He got up and was about to leave.
"What I came here to tell you," said Helena, "was that we're having a meeting to discuss the colonisation option with all the Alphans. It's in the assembly room in half an hour. John wants you to be there."
"If he's got anything to say, he can find me in the bar. Moonbase Alpha is over, Helena. John's nobody's commander any more. Neither you not I are anybody any more. Get used to it."
He slapped the side of the door as he went out.
