Ooooh, loads of stuff last chapter. Loads. Thirteen comments on that chapter alone and a few more on other chapters. Up over 300 comments. You people seriously rock :D Also over 100 favoriters and alerters.

Replies:

Xer0-sama: :) Thanks. There's a bit more mentioned regarding the Legally Dead Club in this chapter, and Don and Pat are, indeed, Irish.

Marisol Akyri: I bet L's not going for 54 more whacks XD haha. Aaand muchos gracias for ze comment :)

Princess de la Luna: Thanks for the many comments, and I've been doing my best to update quickly. It's just not working so well :/

ani-sand: Thanks muchly - I will try to update sooner but, as always, school makes me uncertain of whether or not I'll be able to.

chaostheory1989: Glad it gave you a laugh. I've been in a crap mood myself lately so I know the feeling; writing's the only thing that's been helping and I can't do much of that because I got stuck in college credit English and Math this year that's driving me nuts. But, thanks for the comment :)

blueness12: Thanks :D No plans of stopping, just slowing down a little bit as my classes have started tossing essays at me again :/

Sparanda: Gotta love lolcatz and filler chapters XD

ActionFry: Thanks mucho. I loved doing the computer hacking bit. My school's computer teacher actually used to do that. While we were working on assignments he'd hack into our user and start typing random crap on them. Half of the class thought their computers were haunted for the entire first year we had that class XD And Namikawa seriously does look like Dracula - but vampires are neato, so that's cool :P

Madeline Cullen: Thanks, and I shall try to :)

Sybil Corvax: Haha, I even felt bad writing him into that mess XD

watergoddesskasey: Thanks

Three Books in the Fire: Wow. Your penname change spazzed me out for a minute, I thought my chapter had deleted your comment for a moment XP Anywho, thanks - and the lolcatz bit, totally random, I was writing that chapter while intermittenly looking at pics on lolcatsdotcom, and I was like "heeey, this would be amusing..." :P

tHePuNkPriiNcEzs: Three days? Woah, I forgot it was that long O.O Thanks for taking the time to read and review, though :) Tis much appreciated!

Disclaimer: no owns. Sucks. Seriously. I'd be a freakin millionaire if I did own.

Warnings: Close Pat-Wedy encounter, Monty Python references, corny french accents combined with Japanese words, wigs, hair dye, "penguin suits," LDC, starfish, weasels, conspiring, hot pink hair dye.

Quick-sum: In this chapter, it is discovered that red hair dye, ties, and hangovers make life just a bit more amusingly miserable for the Kira investigation team.


Katherine strummed her fingers on the table, watching the W on L's computer screen with a mixture of disinterest and utter hatred. Though the voice was mechanically distorted, Watari had just connected it through, and Katherine knew that there was only one other W working on the investigation team, and that that W and Pat were both at the Yotsuba building. Katherine looked at L.

"This is really pushing it, you know," she said quietly.

"It's going to work."

She gave a sigh and looked back at the W. Either one of them would end up killing the other or Pat would see her and leave the country. She was on top of the building checking security. Pat was standing by out front and monitoring everything, and had been instructed to go up once ensured that the coast was clear. The only thing that might prevent Pat from doing anything irrational was Don, who was luckily there with him. However, Don didn't have nearly as much control over his slightly more immature counterpart as L might have thought. The only people that had ever had any sort of control over Pat's actions were Al and his grandmother, both of whom were no longer, one at the hands of Kira and the other at the hands of pneumonia. He barely had control of his own actions half the time. This was slightly worrying.

"I'm out," came the electronic voice over the computer. "Heading south on a back road."

"And how far away from Yotsuba?"

"Around half a mile."

"Good," said L. "Then we're done here. Don't go back under any circumstances until you are instructed to."

"Got it."

There was a click as Wedy was disconnected and Katherine heaved a sigh of relief and pressed a button on a microphone in front of her computer. "It's safe to head up," said Katherine. "Pat, attempt to do no negotiating."

"Aw, but why not?" came a disappointed voice in reply. "I like negotiating!"

"You heard her, ya feckless idiot," said Don cheerfully. "That part's all on me. You're so terrible at it you'd get us both thrown in jail before we got through the door."

"Oi!"

"You made the fake cards for us to get in, isn't that enough? If anyone asks you anything, I'll tell them that you're an intern from a local college job shadowing me. You can barely speak Japanese yet as it is."

There was a grumble of agreement, then a momentary pause. "I bloody hate wearing suits…" Pat said miserably after a moment. "The tie feels like it's going to strangle me. Or fly up in my face and suffocate me."

"And I hate having my damn hair dyed, get over it. At least you only had to wear a wig."

"That's because anyone who brings a pair of fecking scissors near my head is going to end up with a second hole in their arse!"

"Yeah, we all know Patrick Star turns ninja when anyone attempts to screw with the Axl Rose cut."

"Stop calling me –!"

Katherine pressed the button for the microphone again. "Would you two knock it off and get inside the building before someone gets suspicious as to why you're discussing being in disguise?" said Katherine impatiently. "Hurry the hell up! Main security monitoring station. Remember, just let Don do the talking. And if you say konnichiwa to anyone, Pat, you'll be lucky if you're allowed to keep your head for more than five minutes when you get back here."

"Yes, Mummy. I'll be good."

"You keep it up and you won't be allowed any alcohol for the remainder of the case."

"Sumi-masón."

Katherine glared at the microphone as though it had magically produced the overly exuberant French accent. "What are you now, French?" she snapped.

"Yes, why do you zink I have zis outrageous accent-uh?"

Katherine let go of the button and let her head fall to the computer desk. "They're going to get caught," she groaned in annoyance. "If he's going to walk around Yotsuba quoting Monty Python and the Holy Grail, they're going to get caught within five minutes…"

L apparently agreed with this theory, as he took the microphone from in front of Katherine's computer and spoke into it. "Stop messing around. You have a job to do. Get it done efficiently or there will be consequences."

"Does death await us with nasty big pointy teeth?" Don asked in a mock-curious voice. Pat gave a snort of laughter. There was a cough in the room, one that mostly likely meant Matsuda was masking a laugh to avoid being glared at by anyone. Katherine was beginning to think L might have been right to not want to hire these two – though that could have just been the minor hangover headache she had thinking for her. Between her and the two idiots they were monitoring, her bottle of whiskey was long gone. Pat and Don were fine, of course. Katherine, however, had gotten entirely out of the habit of drinking and her brain was pounding away at the inside of her skull.

"No," L replied, and Katherine was utterly amazed that he managed to keep his tone so entirely stoic, "but you won't be working on the task force much longer if you fail on your first assignment."

"Point taken," said Don. "Pat, behave."

"Beehive?"

"Behave!"

"Right, sooorrry…"

Katherine sat back up straight and looked over at L. He was looking utterly perturbed by the situation, and Katherine honestly couldn't say she blamed him at that moment. If not for the headache, she probably would have joined in with them. However, as it was, they had forced her to do a few shots of whiskey. For someone who wasn't even used to beer anymore, the side effects weren't very pleasant to deal with. Not pleasant at all, in fact. She had been avoiding Misa all day for that very reason – she would have killed Misa if she heard the hyperactive blonde call her "Kat-chan" today.


"And here we are!" Pat locked the door behind the security guard that had just left and looked at the security monitors. "A brilliant use of spy work, I think they've got every corner of the place monitored, but it's not nearly high quality enough for the Kira case. Can I take this bloody tie off now?" he added hopefully, looking down at the red piece of fabric tied around his neck.

"Just put it back on before we leave, we've got to remain inconspicuous," said Don, pulling a pack of cigarettes out of his pocket. "Just do whatever work you have to do and let's get out of here."

"Thank the lord…" he said, untying the tie. Pat examined the cameras for a few minutes, switching floors and rooms. Don looked up after a few minutes in just enough time to see all of the monitoring screens turn black, and to hear Pat give a thoughtful, "Huh…"

"What did you do?" Don asked slowly.

"Nothing, I just switched the cameras to the meeting room that the Kira group has been using. It appears they've taken the cameras out of that room…. One of the eight probably paid off security to let them take the cameras out so they could have their top secret meetings in peace. If that's the case, then we're going to have to hook up some more cameras."

"I've got the security schedule already," said Don. "As I'm 'inspecting their work.' We could work around their schedule quite easily I think. I think you could manage Yotsuba well enough, you installed cameras in nearly all of L's hotel rooms while he was in them."

Pat laughed. "That was a stroke of pure genius on my part. I've never done a job quite like that one before. Took every bit of self control I had not to start humming the Mission Impossible theme under my breath, I'm damn lucky I'm still alive."

"Just remember you would have never found L if it weren't for me posing as a police officer to follow Watari when he left the station."

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," said Pat, waving his hand dismissively. "Let's see those security guard schedules now," he added, keeping his hand out behind him. Don reached in his pocket and pulled out a couple folded papers. He dropped them in Pat's hand. He took them and looked through the first page closely, then the next.

"Hmmm… seems like it should be easy enough. They have times set to check on each floor on the hour. There are less monitoring stations than there are floors, so each of them have to switch to a different floor. And there is at least a five minute period of time in which the nineteenth floor is completely unmonitored."

"And that's when we should plan to break in," said Don conclusively.

"Exactly," said Pat, handing him back the papers. "You're known here as an inspector now for the security. You could come back when we decide to break in to talk about lax security measures and shortcuts they've taken and need to fix or something. Huge building, I'm sure they've slipped up somewhere. I can easily make my way to the top of the building undetected as long as I'm left to go about it alone, and I can work my way through in the five minute moments of lax security, switching between floors as the cameras working on each one aren't being monitored. I've already got the whole building memorized just from when I hacked into their mainframe before. Apparently they smelled a rat, as that's obviously not working anymore, I checked back at our apartment when we stopped there before coming here. But, the fact of the matter is I already know this place like the back of my hand, so that doesn't matter. I just need to get this schedule memorized, have Ryuzaki buy a good few high tech cameras, and it'll be done."

"What about the elevators?" asked Don, looking the schedule over. "There aren't any cameras on those?"

"Not a one," said Pat happily. "That makes my job significantly easier. Thank God Ryuzaki isn't in charge of running this place, there'd be cameras bloody everywhere."

"No kidding, and we wouldn't be able to get in without a retina scan or some shit."

"Or a sledge hammer. Not quite as inconspicuous, but still effective for desperate measures."

"True."

At the other ends of the bugs attached to Don and Pat was the rest of the investigation team. Out of them, Katherine seemed to be in a slightly better mood now that they had started being serious, and L was slightly more accepting of being forced to work with the two of them now that Pat was showing the slightest signs of human intelligence. He held down the button for the microphone that led to their earpieces. "Then you have a plan; report back to headquarters as soon as possible to work with it further."

"Got it," said Don. "I'd like to get out of here as soon as possible anyway."

"Does that mean I have to retie this bloody noose?" asked Pat miserably, most likely looking down at his tie.

"Just tie the bloody thing and stop complaining," said Don. "We have to get back to headquarters and work out our own schedule if your plan is ever going to work. And I'm not saying it won't, I'm just saying hurry up."

There were a few grumbles in response, followed by general silence, then a door opening a few moments later. A few minutes later, the sound of Don negotiating a day for him to return to Yotsuba with the head of the security department came through to the investigation room. L told him three days, and he accordingly told the head of security in three days, but he was unsure of what time because his schedule was a bit full, so he would just have to call in advance.

"Of course, as long as it won't interfere with anything. Best be going, I have to head across the city to the Sekimaru-Corp main offices, seems they've recently had a breach in there systems."

And with that, the two were headed for the front exit.


When they arrived back at headquarters, Don's initial plan of business was to glare at his reflection's new hair color in the mirror and mumble complaints about not just being allowed to wear a wig as well. Pat's was to "change out of this fecking penguin suit." He threw the wig and the tie onto the couch as he walked past it as well. After gathering a randomly assembled pile of clothes, he kicked the now red-haired Don out of the bathroom, whilst commenting on how he looked like he could have stepped right out of a Harry Potter book.

"You know what?" said Pat. Don glared from outside the doorframe in response. "From this point forward, you will be known as 'The Weasel.'" And with that, Pat shut the door and locked it. Something hit the door with a loud thunk!

"Fuck you, Starfish! You won't be able to call me that when it's brown again!"

"The memory will live on, Weasel."

Thunk! "Prick!"

A few hours later, Pat and Don had efficiently developed their plan right down to the minute, and Pat's escape route would be simple, yet not very inconspicuous and slightly dangerous. He would have to climb down the fire escape from that floor down in order to get out without the cameras picking him up. All but Katherine, Don, and Pat himself were doubtful that Pat could pull off the stunt unnoticed. L was particularly doubtful as Katherine attempted to explain.

"Honestly, you've only seen the idiot side of –"

"Oi!"

"Quiet, Starfish – of him," Katherine continued, with Pat grumbling huffily about not being a SpongeBob character while sitting on the couch next to her. "When he's breaking into and out of multinational corporations, he turns into a completely different entity. He can pick any lock, he's never been caught – except by his grandmother sneaking out of the house when he was about twelve, but I don't suppose that counts – and if he even gets close to being caught, we'll have Don on the lookout to distract anyone from him. That hair should probably do the trick, it's brighter than the sun."

Don, who had enjoyed a few hours of no mentions of his hair, instantly glared around Pat at her. "You're one to talk, Red."

"Mine's dark red. You're a right ginger now."

And he took to glaring silently at the other wall at this, mumbling. "Wasn't my bloody fault… fecking detectives…."

His glare was shot at L for a short moment before it went back to the wall.

Everyone eventually agreed with the plan, and a few short minutes later they were all back at the computers and all in their regular states of mind. Light was researching. L was typing. Mogi was being his usual unusually quiet self. Yagami was researching – like father, like son. Pat was explaining the concept of the Legally Dead Club to Matsuda, which Matsuda seemed to find highly intriguing. Katherine herself had yet to have joined the club. She was careful with her aliases, which were all still supposedly alive and well.

Then there was Don, who was in an exceptionally better mood than before, and not quite in his regular state of mind. He was, in a conspiring yet amused manner, showing Katherine what color hair dye he was going to switch for Pat's shampoo on his computer. There were a number of options. Just about every shade of red, blue, green, pink, and purple had been bottled into hair dye form. It was a risky business. He who messed with Pat's hair would either live to regret it or not live for much longer at all. Don, however, was just annoyed enough about his new hair color to be willing to take that chance. Katherine couldn't decide if it was either brave or extremely stupid, so she resolved that the idea was most likely a little of both.

"You see," Don was saying quietly, glancing over to make sure Pat was still occupied trying to remember all of his aliases he had killed off, "I don't give a damn about my hair. It's just there. I never wanted it to be red, but I can deal with it."

"Orange," Katherine corrected brightly.

"Yes, orange," he said irately, then continued, "but Pat would go livid if anything happened to his hair."

"As we all know from that one time he woke up with a bald cap on and panicked when he thought he'd gone bald overnight," said Katherine. Don looked at her blankly. "Ah. You were in jail in a frilly dress at the time."

He shuddered. "Bloody hate tequila," he said, shaking his head. "Now, what color do you think would be better?"

Katherine looked at the computer screen. "No greens, that's not embarrassing enough. Bright red is just awesome, so that's out. No blues, either. I'd say turquoise, but I think the hot pink would go better with the look of horror on his face when he sees his hair is changing color."

"Definitely," Don agreed. "I'll order it to our old address and just keep the apartment until it gets there."

"… and Jacques Bourgeois in Paris, France, who reportedly fell off of the Eifel Tower to his death," Pat finished. "That makes eleven."

"I only had the one alias and now I'm not even allowed to leave headquarters," said Matsuda.

"I wonder how the chairman of the LDC is going to like his new gay hair," Katherine said quietly in a speculative manner. Don closed out of the webpage.

"I'll order it on my laptop later after he's fallen asleep."

"I'll surprised if you even live twenty-four hours after doing this," said Katherine, laughing and moving her chair back to her computer.

"That may be true," Don said, grinning as he reopened his internet browser to do a bit of actual research, "but the short time I do live to see his reaction will be well worth it."


QUESTIONS!!!!!!!!

Yes.

Will Pat's next close call with Wedy not be just a close call?

Will Don be killed when Pat's hair magically turns hot pink?

Will Matsuda choose to join the Legally Dead Club?

Do Weasels and Starfish actually get along?

Will I make more Monty Python and the Holy Grail references at any point in time?

Will Comma reinstate the sacred-yet-lost Word of the Day?
Yes, she will.

The word of the day is "fummins." At least one person should know the meaning of this (you know who you are :P ). The rest of you, feel welcome to, - no, feel encouraged! - to guess the meaning of the word :D

Until next time, goodbyez!