Chapter Four

Deerfield, IL

Kayla pinched the corners of her sweater as she sat cross-legged on the long bench outside of room 473 on Thursday morning. Classes had ended for the day and Terri had told her that the doctor was coming in again today, and Kayla had an appointment.

Now Kayla waited outside, feeling nervous as always. She hated seeing the doctors, hated it! She must have seen a hundred different doctors in her lifetime, and they all had the same thing to say. It was a rare case they had never seen before, and they often referred Kayla to another doctor, and the cycle would continue.

Kayla sighed. This doctor came to the Group Home every Monday and Thursday, and saw Kayla more often than any other doctor. At least with this doctor, there was some level of consistency, but still, Kayla hated it. She saw this doctor at least once every two weeks, if not more, depending on how often Terri thought Kayla needed to be seen. Terri sent her today because she thought Kayla might need new medication.

Kayla thought the whole thing was stupid, and unnecessary, but like everyone else in this stupid place, Kayla's voice was rarely heard. No matter how many times she tried to tell the doctors, tell Terri, that she never once believed what she had was a medical condition, everyone gave her the same pat answer. "Kayla, leave this to the professionals. Everything will be alright."

Kayla was sick of it. The general consensus on her 'disorder' was that she had a severe, but rare form of epilepsy, one in which nobody had ever heard of before. The doctors tried to assure her there was nothing to worry about, new diseases were being discovered all the time. They'd figure out how to treat it eventually. But Kayla wasn't so convinced. She had done research on epilepsy on her own time, and from what she had found in the medical journals at the public library, what she had sounded nothing like epilepsy. No, Kayla was convinced it was something more. Nowhere in any of the medical journals did it say anything about memory loss during a seizure, not to mention she never had the typical seizure experience of convulsing from head to toe. According to her eye witnesses, Kayla entered into a nearly catatonic state. How could you explain that? The medical journals sure didn't.

But still, nobody listened to Kayla, they were the adults, let them be in charge. Kayla hated it, and wished there was somebody out there who knew what was really wrong with her. Like her birth parents. Maybe there was some defective gene that had been passed down. Kayla had suggested that once as well, in the attempts to find her birth parents, but Terri had told her that wouldn't happen. She wouldn't tell her why. Kayla hated being treated like a child. She was 16 years old.

She was thrown back to reality when she heard the door open. Kayla turned her head to see a girl she recognized from a higher grade coming out of the office. The girl, Ashley, turned and stared at Kayla, and rolled her eyes. Kayla didn't give it a second thought, as Ashley walked away. She was used to the "freak" look she received from everyone in this stupid place. She quickly forgot it.

"Hey Kayla, come on in." Kayla looked up and saw that Dr. Mitchell was standing in the doorway. Kayla sighed and followed the young doctor into the small examining room that Dr. Mitchell used when she came down from the hospital two days a week.

Kayla liked Dr. Mitchell, despite hating doctors in general. At least Dr. Mitchell was nice to her, she never once treated her like a freak, or like a disease that couldn't be fixed. All the other doctors just reacted in shock and rejection. Some had even claimed she was making the whole thing up, for attention. "I understand you feel lost in the crowd, but if you want attention, there are better ways to go about getting it." A doctor had told her once. Dr. Mitchell was different. Kayla didn't know why, but she never treated her like an outsider, she seemed genuine about wanting to help her. Maybe it was because Dr. Mitchell liked her job, Kayla wasn't sure, but the young doctor wasn't always looking for the quick fix, like the other doctors. Other doctors were quick to prescribe as many different drugs as possible. Dr. Mitchell tried to get inside Kayla's mind, ask her how the whole thing made her feel. Kayla thought Dr. Mitchell would have made a better psychologist than a doctor, but maybe that was what made her such a good doctor in the first place. Dr. Mitchell always told Kayla that her goal was to make her feel better, whatever that meant. But even Dr. Mitchell couldn't find an explanation.

"Have a seat, Kayla." Dr. Mitchell said with a bright smile, as she grabbed Kayla's file from her desk. Kayla sat down and waited as Dr. Mitchell perused the file.

"Terri wanted me to see you about possibly switching to another med." She said, more to herself than anything. Kayla rolled her eyes. Dr. Mitchell caught it.

"You don't want to try another medication?" She asked. Kayla looked up and simply shook her head. Dr. Mitchell nodded, and placed the file down.

"What's going on with the stuff you're on now?" She asked, staring at Kayla seriously. Kayla shook her head.

"Nothing. It doesn't work. Just like the six million other pills I've been stuck on." She said bitterly. Dr. Mitchell laughed a little.

"That's probably a slight exageration."

"Yeah."

"Kayla, can I ask you something?"

"Uh-huh."

"What do you think would work?"

Kayla paused and stared at her doctor, who was looking at her intentionally. That was what made Dr. Mitchell such a good doctor. She wanted to know what Kayla thought, felt. Kayla sighed.

"I don't think anything will work." She answered honestly.

"Why not?" Dr. Mitchell asked.

"Because...look, what if it's not epilepsy?" Kayla shifted the discussion a little, and seemed to catch Dr. Mitchell off guard a little.

"What?" She asked.

"What if it's not epilepsy? I mean, if it were, wouldn't I remember stuff? I completely black out, and don't remember anything. I lose time! And there's no convulsions or anything! That's not a seizure." Kayla replied. Dr. Mitchell stared at her with a raised eyebrow, and then smiled a little.

"You've been researching." She pointed out.

"I don't want to be medicated." Kayla said quietly, crossing her arms and staring at the floor.

"I know. I understand Kayla, but we want to fix this, don't we?" Dr. Mitchell asked. Kayla sighed. Yes, she wanted to fix this, but nobody understood. They could drug her until she was blue in the face, but Kayla was convinced it wouldn't do anything to her. This was something else, but she couldn't get anybody else to understand that.

"I guess so." Kayla mumbled in defeat.

"Alright, tell you what, we'll try a new med, okay? We'll see if this one works. If you have any problems with them, or you think they're not working, you come and see me when I'm here, got it?" Dr. Mitchell asked. Kayla nodded.

"Okay, I'll send the script up to Terri and she'll have them for you next week." Dr. Mitchell said, standing up. Kayla stood and headed for the door. She stopped.

Dr. Mitchell was jotting down a note for herself when she looked up and saw that Kayla was still standing in her office.

"Kayla, was there something else?" She asked. There was no response. Dr. Mitchell puckered her brow, and walked toward Kayla slowly.

"Kayla, you okay?" She asked again. Still no response. Dr. Mitchell walked in front of Kayla, and immediately recognized that look in her eye.

She was having an episode.

Kayla's eyes remained fixed on something that wasn't there, and the girl's lips were moving as though speaking, but nothing was coming out. She had broken out into a cold sweat. Dr. Mitchell recognized the starting signs.

She grabbed hold of the rigid girl and eased her gently into a chair.

"Kayla, talk to me, you're going to get through this, alright? Just focus on me." Dr. Mitchell said gently, holding Kayla's shoulders steady. Kayla's body was shaking, but not convulsing. Just trembling ever so slightly. Kayla's wide eyes remained fixated, and her breathing became more laboured as she began rocking in the chair.

"Kayla!" Dr. Mitchell tried more abruptly, but Kayla's thin lips began moving again, and this time Dr. Mitchell could make out whispering. Dr. Mitchell wasn't surprised, she had seen Kayla's episodes on more than one occassion, but it wasn't very often she was able to make out what Kayla was saying.

"Someone's coming." Dr. Mitchell thought she heard. She ignored it. Kayla often spoke in jibberish when this happened.

Dr. Mitchell grabbed hold of her phone and dialed up to Terri's office.

"Terri, you might want to get down here." Dr. Mitchell sighed. "It's Kayla."

She ignored the frustrated sigh on the other line and went back to attending to Kayla, trying to snap her out of it.

"Kayla, come on honey, you can come out of this, just try." She said quietly, checking Kayla's pulse quickly.

Terri arrived seconds later, and stared at Kayla with unsurprised eyes. She breathed out.

"Again." She muttered under her breath. Dr. Mitchell ignored her as she waited for Kayla to come out of it.

It didn't take long, it never did. Dr. Mitchell recognized Kayla's eyes fluttering, her breathing becoming more regulated, and the sudden collapse of her body, as though she were going to faint. Dr. Mitchell held her up.

Kayla's eyes fluttered back open and when she recognized Dr. Mitchell's concerned face, and Terri rolling her eyes, Kayla knew it must have happened again.

"Take it easy, Kayla, you're okay." Dr. Mitchell said quietly, as she ran over to grab a glass of water. Kayla fought to remember everything that had happened as Terri and Dr. Mitchell had a conversation.

"Please tell me you're putting her on something new." Terri said, out of breath.

"Yeah, Terri, I'm prescribing her something else, but I think you should be aware that she's apprehensive about being on any medication. She doesn't feel like it's helping." Dr. Mitchell replied, handing Kayla a glass of water. She gave her a smile when Kayla took a sip.

"That's because we haven't found the right drug yet. There's gotta be something we can do to stop it. I've got to think of the other girls too, Liz. None of them like seeing Kayla like that. I mean, it happens everywhere. Try having to explain to the younger girls why Kayla suddenly goes spacey during dinner, or in class. It's not easy." Terri explained. Dr. Mitchell stole a glance at Kayla, who kept her head down. She could hear everything they were saying. Who was she kidding? Terri thought she was just as much of a freak as the other girls did.

"I understand, Terri, but you have to be sensitive." Dr. Mitchell said. Terri was quiet for a moment, then sighed.

"Just send up the new script." Terri said, and Kayla heard the door close behind her.

Dr. Mitchell knelt down in front of Kayla, and took the glass of water away.

"Kayla, you feeling okay?" Dr. Mitchell asked quietly. Kayla shrugged.

"Do you remember anything?" Dr. Mitchell asked. Kayla tried again, but she only shook her head.

"Just getting up to leave." She said quietly, sighing. "How...how long was I, you know, out of it?"

"Only a few minutes, don't worry." Dr. Mitchell replied, but she realized Kayla wasn't impressed with that answer. She breathed out and took a hold of Kayla's hand, squeezing her hand reassuringly.

"It's gonna be okay." She said quietly, and then she quickly changed her tone of voice. "What are these?"

Kayla looked down and realized her sleeve had rolled up slightly. Dr. Mitchell saw the three thin cuts on Kayla's wrist. Kayla instinctively pulled away, swallowing hard as she jumped up from the chair.

"Kayla, what are those?" Dr. Mitchell asked again. Kayla swallowed and cleared her throat.

"It's our cat. He's so stupid, he gets mad at everyone who crosses his path." Kayla forced a little laugh.

Dr. Mitchell took a step toward her and looked really concerned. Kayla tried to look confused, like she didn't know what Dr. Mitchell was thinking.

"Are you telling me the truth, Kayla?" She asked, only inches away from Kayla's face.

Kayla managed a nod, and turned toward the door. As she left, she couldn't help but feel her eyes stinging with unwanted tears. She hated herself for who she was, for what she was, and for what she had to hide.