DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS FROM TWILIGHT. THEY ALL BELONG TO STEPHENIE MEYER.
EPOV
"Edward Masen?" I heard a voice call me.
I turned around to see a face that I hadn't seen in ten years.
So why did I have to see it now?
Turning around I saw a face that brought back so many memories that I thought I had worked through with Derek after eight months of therapy. Seeing it now, I realised that I still had a lot more work to do.
"Jeez, man, is that you?"
Alex Johnston.
The last day I had seen him was ……… the day my parents died.
"Yeah," I replied, my voice wavering slightly. Bella seemed to notice my distress and tightened her hold on my arm ever so slightly. I looked down at her and gave her a small smile.
"Wow, man!" He sighed, crossing his arms over his chest. He looked relatively the same as he had when we were seven, obviously a lot taller and more grown up, but his features were pretty much the same. He still had that small boyish look about him, and something tells me that he always would. "Edward Masen. It's been what? How long?"
"Ten years." I replied, quietly. "And it's Cullen now."
"What?" He seemed confused.
"It's Cullen now." I repeated. His confused expression didn't leave his face. "I was adopted after……"
His mouth formed into a small "oh" as he realised what I was talking about. I nodded sadly and I felt Bella rest her head against my upper arm.
"Yeah, I, um, I heard about that." He looked down at the ground, not really knowing what to say or where to look. "I'm sorry, man."
"Don't worry about it." I replied quietly.
"How can I not?" He looked back up at me. "I mean, if I hadn't started that stupid play-fight thing, then they wouldn't have had to come into school and they would be-"
"Alex," I held my hand up to stop him. "Don't. Please. Just don't." I didn't look at him, knowing that I wouldn't be able to control my feelings if I did.
I didn't know how I felt towards Alex now. I had dealt with my feelings towards my parents death but I guess I had never really given much thought to what had happened before. I had blocked out what had happened through most of that day. I hadn't been strong or brave enough to face them. At least until I had met Bella. She had been the first person that I had told about it, and after that. I hadn't really been able to hold anything in after that. All that therapy hadn't been able to prepare me for seeing Alex again.
"I'm sorry, man." He mumbled. "I just…I don't know what to say or to think. It's just…"
"I know." I whispered. I looked down at Bella and saw that she had a sad expression on her face. I placed a finger underneath her chin and lifted her face up so she could look at me. I gave her a small smile and she gave me one back. I didn't like seeing her upset and I hated it even more knowing that she was upset because of me. "How'd you know it was me?"
"Are you kidding?" He laughed. "With that hair! Who else could it be? It's not changed since we were kids."
"I guess you're right." I smiled at him. He was right. The colour of my hair was pretty noticeable. Not everyday you see someone with bronze hair wandering around, is it?
"So, um, who's your friend?" Alex sounded unsure of himself now. Which was a huge change from when we were kids.
"This is Bella." I smiled. "She's my wife."
His eyes grew wide. "Your wife?" He sounded shocked in thinking that I would get married this young. "Wow." His eyes flicked between Bella and myself. I looked at Bella and I smiled seeing her eyes glinting happily. She beamed up at me and I kissed her on the forehead lightly. "I would never have thought you would be one to get married at eighteen. When I last saw you you were so ……"
"We were seven." I pointed out and he nodded. "How could we know what we were going to end up doing? Yeah, we might be young but, I wouldn't change anything. I have all I could ever want."
"I'm glad to hear that." He truly sounded glad for me. "So, um, how have you been? "
"I've been good." I nodded. "I, um, live in Washington now."
"Washington?" His eyes grew wide again. "How come you're living there?"
"Esme, my adopted mother, she……she got tired of living in the city. She wanted the small town life so we all packed up and left." I explained and he nodded.
"We all?"
"Yeah." I sighed. "My adopted family. You know, Mom, Dad, two brothers, two sisters. Whole package deal."
"Two of each huh?" He chuckled. "You always said you wanted a bigger family."
I nodded. "I wouldn't change them for the world, but it would have been nicer if it were under better circumstances, you know?" He nodded. "So…what's new with you?"
"Not much really." He ran a hand through his hair. "My mom had twins. They're ten now. They're the most annoying pair you have ever met. You know with the whole I don't know…"
"The whole finishing each others sentences and secret languages thing?" I finished for him and he looked up at me, confused again. "Jasper and Rosalie, two of my adopted siblings…they're twins."
"Oh, okay then." He grinned at me. "So, how did the two of you meet?"
"At school, actually." I smiled at Bella and she rested her head back on my shoulder, sighing softly. "She was the only girl with half a brain who showed any interest."
"Hey!" She tapped my arm lightly, mocking hurt. "I have more than half a brain thank you very much."
"I know you do, love." I kissed the top of her head gently. I heard Alex chuckling at the two of us.
"You really are under whipped aren't you Edward?" He asked, still chuckling.
I looked between him and Bella smiling. I nodded. "Yup. And I don't care." I kissed her forehead. "You know, I would prefer to be whipped, than not have her at all."
"I guess I see your point." He shook his head, still smiling. His expression suddenly got serious as he looked at me. "I really am sorry Edward."
"Don't, Alex, please. I don't need this now." I shook my head, pleading with him to stop. He seemed to get my meaning and stopped before he said anything further. "Anyway, we, um, kind need to get going."
"Okay, then." He pulled a small card out of his pocket. "Here's my number. If you wanted to get together at any point while you're back in town, gimme a call."
I took the card and nodded. I said goodbye to him and Bella and I hailed a cab that was coming down the street. As we climbed in I told the driver to take us back to the hotel and sank back into the seat, letting out a breath.
"Are you okay?" Bella whispered, shifting over to lay her head on my shoulder.
"Yeah," I sighed, gazing out of the window, entangling her fingers in mine. "I just…wasn't expecting to see him again."
"I could see that." She sighed and settled, leaning against me, seeming to get lost in her own little world, just as I was doing.
I had to put this whole thing behind me. I had to let it all go. I wouldn't be able to go back to Forks and start my life over with Bella if I didn't.
I had to say goodbye.
Tomorrow.
It had to be tomorrow, or else I would never work up the courage to do it.
When we arrived at the hotel, I paid the driver and we walked through the reception and into the large elevator that took us up to our suite. We took the ride in a comfortable silence, neither of us needing to fill the air with unnecessary noise.
We ordered room service when we got back up and Bella decided she was going to climb into the shower before our food arrived. I took the liberty of arranging a spa day for her tomorrow, while I was out of the hotel. She would hate me for it at first, but I knew that the girly girl deep down inside her would love it when she got into it.
I know it sounds wrong, but I needed for her to be occupied tomorrow, while I was out. This was something that I had to deal with by myself. Even if it was my family I was here with and not Bella then I would need to be alone to do it. I just don't know if I had the courage. Well, I would have to get there to find out.
We were sitting there chuckling at an episode of Will&Grace when there was a knock at the door. Obviously the hotel staff weren't allowed to use the elevator that opened up into our living room.
"I'll get it." Bella squealed before jumping off of the sofa and kind of half running, half skipping to the door. Something told me that she was a bit too excited about the food. I couldn't help but smile at her, resting my arms on the back of the sofa and watching as she opened the door. The way her eyes followed the cart as the bus boy left it in the center of the room as she'd asked. Yeah, she was hungry alright.
She picked up both trays and brought them over to where we were sitting on the sofa.
"Don't feel like at eating at the table?" I asked, indicating a small dining table that was set up in the corner of the room. She looked at it and then back at me and shook her head.
"Too boring." She grinned, handing me some cultery wrapped in a napkin. "This is a lot more interesting."
"Yeah, and I don't think the hotel will be too impressed if we get our dinner all over their upholstery." I pointed out and she waved me off with her fork before stabbing a piece of ravioli.
"Who cares?" She mumbled, her mouth full, causing me to laugh. "I mean, it's not like we don't pay enough. They're rolling in it. So, what's one ruined couch to them?"
I shrugged and scooped up a forkful of spaghetti, proudly managing to avoid getting sauce all over my shirt and face. I was determined to eat this without covering myself in sauce. Whether or not I would be successful was another story, but still, it was a challenge of mine.
"Here." She held up a couple of pieces of ravioli on her fork, wanting me to try them. "This is delicious. You have to try it."
Honestly, I would have loved to, but seeing the ravioli on her fork coming towards my face sparked something within me. Momentarily, I didn't see Bella and the pasta she had on her fork, but I saw Emmett, kneeling over me, paper bag in hand, pinning me to the ground. I couldn't breathe as images from that night overwhelmed me.
"NO!"
"Edward?" She sounded scared. "Edward, love are you okay?"
I closed my eyes trying to calm my breathing. I gulped and nodded my head. "Yeah, it's just……I just …… Emmett." I couldn't even tell her why I had freaked out.
Her expression turned to one of realisation and that was all it took. She took both of our plates off of our knees and she placed them on the coffee table in front of the sofa. She shifted and pulled me into her arms. I cursed myself for being so weak. I thought that I had put this all behind me. Obviously I was wrong.
"It's okay, baby." She whispered, running her hands soothingly through my hair. "I'm sorry. I completely forgot. I'm sorry. It's okay, love."
"Don't apologise." I pulled back and pressed a kiss to her lips. "I'm sorry. I overreacted."
She shook her head. "No." She brushed a few strands of hair out of my face and sighed. "You didn't overreact. It's understandable. That night……it's been imprinted in your memory. And it'll probably stay there for a long time."
"I just hate that this will be something that I'm going to be battling with for the rest of my life." I sighed and looked away from her. I didn't want her to look at me like this. She shouldn't have to see me like this.
She took my chin in her hand and pulled my face around to look at her. "And I am going to be there every step of the way with you. As long as you want me there."
"I'll always want you there." I whispered and pressed my lips to hers again.
"Good." She smiled as we broke apart. "Because, I don't feel like getting a divorce. Too much hassle." She grinned and I chuckled at her lack of tact. She knew what she was saying and I knew it was just to cheer me up. I have to say that it worked.
"I would never divorce you." I whispered, truthfully. "I couldn't live without you. Knowing that you're mine and I'm yours, it……gives me some meaning, you know?"
She nodded, not taking her eyes away from mine. "Come on, let's finish our dinner and go to bed. It's been a long day and I think we both need some sleep." She handed me my plate and smiled at me. "No feeding each other. I promise." I nodded at her and she smiled.
We ate the rest of our food in a comfortable silence, a silent conversation happening between us. I didn't need to talk and it seemed neither did she.
After we finished we headed into the bedroom and after changing we climbed into the bed. Neither of us were in the mood for anything tonight, and we were both happy enough to fall asleep in each others arms.
I couldn't sleep though. I knew that I had to put this whole matter behind me. And I knew that it had to be done tomorrow. But the thought that terrified me the most was that it was something that I had to do on my own. I knew how much Bella wanted to help, but this was something that I needed to face by myself.
I eventually fell asleep around three, falling into a dreamless sleep that was neither fitful nor restful.
////////
I woke up the next morning around eight o'clock.
Great five hours of sleep. Perfect.
I looked down and saw that Bella was still sleeping soundly next to me.
I gently unwrapped her arms from my waist and climbed out of bed. I didn't want to wake her up at all. She deserved to sleep.
I grabbed my clothes from my bag, I crept into the bathroom. I wasn't going to have a shower as I knew that that would wake Bella up. I quickly washed my face, shaved and dressed. I would take a shower when I got back later on.
Looking at myself again, I realised that I looked extremely worse for wear, my bad night's sleep last night really showing through. There were faint bags under my eyes and I looked extremely worn. The worse thing was I couldn't have any coffee either because of this damn medication that I was on. I attempted to flatten down my hair, to no avail obviously and walked out into the main bedroom quietly.
Bella was asleep and I knelt back down by my bag and took out the pot of medication. Sighing, I opened it and shook one out, dry swallowing it uncomfortably. I quickly wrote Bella a note, telling her that I would be back later and informing her of her spa day, saying that they would be ready for her at eleven o'clock.
I gave her a soft kiss on the forehead before grabbing my jacket, wallet and phone before heading into the elevator that would take me down to the reception area.
I walked out of the hotel and stuck my arm out for a taxi. I hated that I hadn't told Bella where I was going, but in my head, it was necessary. I didn't want her to be mixed up in all of this. Especially on our honeymoon.
I told the driver where I wanted to go and spent most of the ride staring out of the window, gazing at the familiar sights around me. I had missed Chicago, but not as much as I'd thought. It didn't feel like home anymore. But I knew then that home was anywhere that Bella was. Nothing other than that could qualify.
As he pulled up to my destination I handed him the cash, telling him to keep the change and climbed out of the cab.
I breathed in and tried to steady my heartrate.
Slowly I walked up to a wrought-iron gate and pushed it open, trying to prepare myself for what I had to do. I wished Bella could be here with me, but I knew she couldn't be. I took my phone out of my pocket and put it on silent, not wanting to be disturbed by anything while I was here. I needed this time for me.
I walked forwards, knowing exactly where it was I needed to go. Although, I had only been here once before, ten years ago, I remembered where I needed to go like the back of my hand.
Reaching my destination, I stopped in front of two identical headstones.
I read each one carefully, feeling the tears pricking at the edges of my eyes.
Elizabeth Louise Masen
26.03.1967 – 14.10.1997
Loving Wife
Adoring Mother
Edward James Masen Sr.
28.09.1966 – 14.10.1997
Caring Husband
Beloved Father
I knelt down in front of the graves and I felt the tears that had been welling up in my eyes overflow. I couldn't hold them in anymore. Just being here. I couldn't describe it.
I hadn't been here once in ten years. I knew that I could have come to see them. Maybe that would have helped me work through some stuff, instead of following the methods that I had.
"Hi, Mom. Dad." I whispered, not feeling stupid in the slightest. I knew I needed to do this. It wasn't something I could avoid. "I'm sorry I haven't come to see you, before now, but I didn't know if I was strong enough to. You're probably so disappointed in me. I know that you would be if you were still here. I could have handled things better, I know that now. But I can't undo the past, no matter how much I want to, I can't.
"I was sick. And I know, that that's not an excuse to not come and see you but, it's the only reasoning I have. I didn't want to come and see you when I was like that. I didn't want to disppoint you any more than I already had. And when…when…I tried to kill myself, I knew that you would be upset, but I couldn't stand it anymore. When you…died…you left such a whole in my heart and I didn't know how to fill it. So I turned to destroying myself. And it worked for a while.
"I want you to know that I'm better now. Mostly. It's hard, but I'm getting there. Sometimes, I don't think I can do it. That's it too hard. That maybe……getting better, isn't worth it. But then, I think about …… you. The two of you. And I can't help that think that you would want me to get better. That if you were still here, you'd push me to get better. Hell, if you were still here, I would have even gotten sick in the first place.
"I realise now that I was sick. I think I still am. But I'm not as bad as before. I still struggle sometimes. But I have the most wonderful family now, they love me so much. And I love them. You know, I still can't call Carlisle and Esme "Mom" and "Dad". I feel like it would be disrespecting you in some way. But I can tell that they love me, too much in my opinion. I'm not worthy of their love. But they give it to me anyway. And I've given them mine. I also have two brothers and two sisters. Remember how I was always pestering you for a brother or sister. Sometimes I wish I didn't have them, but I know that if I ever lost them, then I …… I don't know what I'd do. They mean so much to me that I could never give them up. I don't deserve them either, but still, they're there and they love me.
"I also have the most amazing girl in the world. And she's mine. Two days ago she became my wife and it was the most amazing day of my life. It even beat my sixth birthday party it was that good. I would have loved if the two of you could have met Bella. Especially you Mom, you would have loved her. She was the one that inspired me to get better. It's because of her that I'm not buried in the ground next to you. If she hadn't come along then I most certainly would be.
"Bella, has changed my life in so many ways, and I don't know how I'm going to cope when she has to go back to Phoenix. God, I wish she didn't. I don't know if I'm strong enough to carry on without her. I know we're married and everything but……I can't help but think……that she won't come back. That she'll forget. And I don't know what I'd do if she did. I wouldn't have the will to carry on. If I lost her, then there wouldn't be anything to stop me. I think… You know what? I don't know what I think. It's not like it's ever mattered to anyone anyway. Bella's really the only one who listens to what I want and what I think anymore. It's like, I just fade into the background most days. Like I'm just………there. Not really doing anything, not really there for anyone. And then Bella comes along and she makes me feel like I'm a real person. Like I matter.
"Oh, I wish you could have been at our wedding. She was so beautiful and I knew that I would never let her go. I'm not going to. Not without a fight anyway. I just hope that she doesn't want to let me go either. I can only hope, right? I wish the two of you could meet her. You would both love her so much. She's the warmest, kindest, most loving, caring, beautiful person in the world. It hurts that you'll never meet her. That you're never going to be able to see our children, if we have them that is. I hope we do. I hate that you'll never be able to see them. And I hate that they won't ever get to meet their grandparents.
"I miss you guys. So much. I wish that you were still here. I've needed the two of you so much over the years and you weren't there. And I hated you so much for leaving me. You left me. I was alone. I was alone and I didn't understand why. I still don't understand, but I know now that it wasn't your fault that you left me. And……it wasn't my fault either. You didn't leave me because you hated me. Like I thought you did. It took me ten years but I finally realise that now. And I can let you go. I can say goodbye.
"I love you, Mom. Dad. But I can't hang on to your memory forever. I have to say goodbye." I stood up and looked down at my parents headstones, feeling the tears streaming down my face. "I love you both, so much. And you'll always be in my heart. I'll never forget you." I sniffed and turned around to walk out of the cemetery. "Goodbye."
With that I walked away from them, not really feeling any different to how I had when I came in. I was hoping for some sort of closure, maybe. Something telling me that I had done the right thing.
I walked through the iron gates and I walked up the street. I sat on the steps leading up to the church that sat beside the cemetery and looked at the people passing me by.
"You okay, son?" I heard a gentle voice behind me say. I looked up to see a kind-faced elderly man standing at the top of the stairs. From the white collar around his neck, I took him to be the priest of this church.
"I'm okay, thank you." I said softly, looking back at the people walking past.
"Well, to the casual observer, it would look like you're mighty upset." He walked down the stairs slowly and sat down beside me. "Here." He handed me a packet of tissues and it was only then that I remembered that my face must be covered in tears. I took the packet from him and smiled as I wiped my face. "Care to share what's on your mind?"
I sighed heavily, wondering if I should tell this man anything. I resolved that he felt it was his job to help people. To give advice. And even though I wasn't religious in any way, I was in need of some serious advice.
"Well," I didn't really know where to start. "I visited my parents for the first time today. The first time since their……" I trailed off not wanting to say it out loud. "The first time in ten years." My voice was nothing more than a whisper.
"I understand, son." He placed a hand on my shoulder and I instinctively flinched away, cursing myself mentally immediately after.
"Sorry." I said looking at him, seeing an expression of hurt and something else. Understanding, maybe? "I just…I have a real problem with being touched. It's…it's got nothing to do with you."
"I understand." He sighed and looked at me, his expression unreadable. "Tell me. Why do you think it took you so long to come and visit your parents?"
I gulped slightly and sighed. "I was afraid."
"What of?"
"That, somehow, they'd be disappointed in me." I admitted, feeling slightly ashamed.
"Let me tell you, it doesn't matter what a child has done, a parent always love and support them. Even if they are no longer in our world." He sounded so sure.
"I, um, it wasn't because I thought they wouldn't support me." I explained to him quietly. "I've…I've had a lot of um, problems, since they died." I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, pulling up the sleeve to my shirt, showing him half of what I meant. I heard a slow intake of breath come from him. "I didn't deal with it so well." I quickly covered the scars on my arm again.
"That's all behind you now though, right?"
I shook my head slowly. "Not all of it. Um, that wasn't everything that I used to do. I used to think, that I could replace the pain that my parents left with something physical. And the …… cutting …… wasn't enough. I needed something more." I looked at him and I could see the conclusion he was most probably drawing up. "No, it wasn't drugs. I wouldn't touch drugs."
"Then what was it?" He asked me calmly and I hesitated, not really sure if I should tell him or not. He'd probably think I was insane. "I won't judge you. That's not really my kind of work." He smileda t me again. "You can tell me."
I sighed again, looking down at the steps. "Have you ever heard of Anorexia Nervosa?"
"Yes…" I could tell that he was trying to work it out in his mind. I looked up at him and saw that his mouth made a small "oh" as he figured out what I meant. "I'm sorry you had to go through that." He seemed at a loss for words. "You're okay now, though?"
"It's a constant struggle." I whispered, not trusting my voice to go any louder. "Sometimes, I feel like giving up, and a lot of the time I almost do."
"But she makes it worthwhile." This was a statement, not a question.
"How did you know?" I turned to look at him and he smiled.
"The ring on your finger kind of gave it away." He pointed to my left hand and smiled at me. I looked down and saw the beautiful platinum band that lay on my finger, the diamonds embedded in it glittering in the sunlight. "She's your everything, isn't she?"
I nodded and smiled. "Yeah, she is."
"She must be a wonderful girl." He mused, looking out into the street as I had been doing not a minute before. "To help you through that, she must be remarkable."
"She is." I smiled, thinking of my Bella. "If it wasn't for her then I wouldn't be sitting here today. I'd probably be lying right next to my parents."
"Now that's a sad thought. To think of such a young life, wasted." He shook his head. "It's not right." He sighed and stood up. "I think you're just lost at the moment…"
"Edward."
"Edward." He smiled at me. "But…give it time, and you will find your way. It must have taken a lot of courage to come here today, especially after such a long time. But you found it, and that's the first step. Give it time and you will be able to move on with your life. I'm not saying you need to forget your parents. Never do that. But you make a special place for them in your heart. That way they'll always be there. With you. I know that sounds terribly cliché, Edward, but it's the truth. In coming here, today, you've started on your path to forgiving yourself. All you need is a little guidance and you'll get there." He smiled at me and turned to walk up the steps again. "Good luck, my son."
"Thank you." I called after him as he walked up towards the church.
I didn't know how long I sat there, but I couldn't stop thinking about what the priest had said to me.
Could I move on with my life.
I hoped so.
I wanted to start anew. I wanted to have a different life. One where I didn't freak out at the mention of a meal. I wanted that to be possible. Was it? I was starting to think that it might be. I could do this. Right? I could help bring myself together to start a new life.
For me and Bella.
Long chapter there.
I actually cried whilst writing the scene where Edward's talking to his parents.
Made me so sad to write it.
Please review.
xx
