DISCLAIMER: I DO NOT OWN ANY OF THE CHARACTERS FROM TWILIGHT. THEY ALL BELONG TO STEPHENIE MEYER.
I'm sorry this chapter has taken so long, but it's been extremely hard to write. Edward's point of view is becoming increasingly hard at the moment, so bear with me on this one. When it comes to Edward's point of view, updates might take a little longer.
EPOV
She was gone.
She promised me that she would never leave, and she did.
The rational part of my brain told me that she had no choice. That she had to leave. That if she had a choice she would have stayed with me rather than go back to Phoenix. And then the other part of my brain. The part that made me paranoid and scared told me that she had left me, just like everyone else had.
My parents had left me. The friends I used to have back in Chicago before I had lost my parents, they'd all left me.
Everyone left me when they'd had enough of me.
They used me when they wanted, and for what they wanted me and then when they'd had enough of me, they tossed me aside like last weeks garbage.
I had spent most of my time in the house that my parents had bought for Bella and myself. I didn't want to leave. Ever.
The others had come to stay with me, realising that I didn't really want to leave the house and be sociable. They didn't enforce their company on me. But they made sure that I ate. Thankfully for the unreasonable side of my brain, they didn't stay to watch me eat or make sure I kept it down.
I knew I had begun losing again.
Rapidly.
My metabolism was still out of whack from recovery and I knew that it would take a while for it to level out. It was still increased from the increase in calories I had been receiving lately, and that meant that I was losing more that a normal person would, burning more calories than I was taking in.
I didn't care about that.
All I cared about was the fact that Bella wasn't here and most likely wouldn't ever come back.
She was the one person in my life that I had trusted to never leave me and she was now gone. She had left just like everyone else had, and I didn't know if I could cope.
It wasn't just the fact that she wasn't here anymore. It was also the fact that she was the last person in a long line that had left me. Everyone I loved, left. It was as simple as that. And all those that caused me shit, stayed.
I didn't take to cutting again.
No matter how much I felt the need, I knew it would be too obvious. The downward spiral I was falling into yet again. If I began to cut again. At all. Then I would be discovered and then I would most likely get sent back to the clinic. I couldn't handle that. I didn't think I could handle the shame that I would feel at having to go back there.
It wouldn't only hurt me to go back, it would hurt my family. The family that have put so much faith in me to get better. To help myself, even when Bella left. They would feel it as though they were feeling each and every cut that lined my skin. They would feel the hurt like they were feeling each and every pang of hunger ripping through my stomach. And I couldn't put them through so much hurt.
Not again.
They haven't left you. The rational side of my brain argued. It was true. They hadn't left me. Even while I'd been in the clinic, the line of communication had been open. They had phoned and visited whenever they could. And they were still here now, when the one love in my life had gone.
For now. The more sinister side of my brain shot back and I had to, yet again, agree.
Who knew when they would abandon me. Because there was no doubt that they would. Even if they are my family, they would leave me.
Technically, they did leave you. My head continued to argue with itself, seemingly splitting itself in two over what happened when I was in the clinic. They left you there, without a second glance. And what happened? You got attacked, didn't you? Shows how much they love you. How much they care for you!
No matter how much I didn't want it to be, the voice telling me that I was alone, that my family didn't really care, was winning out. It made more sense than the logical side, meaning that it was the side I was going to be listening to.
So here I was, lying in my bed – as it turned out, the bed Bella and I had made love in for the last time was actually the master bedroom, so I guess we got lucky there – with my brothers and sisters now staying with me more than they were staying at home.
"Edward?" I heard a small voice at the door and I knew it to be Alice. She was the only one who actually came up here. The others didn't like the idea of disturbing me, seeing as I was, as Emmett said, 'wallowing'. "Hey." She called gently, sitting on the edge of my bed.
I didn't answer her, hoping that she would leave me alone. I kept my eyes closed but that didn't stop the tears from falling. I just hoped that Alice would leave me alone.
"Edward?" She called again gently, placing a hand on my shoulder.
I knew that she wasn't going to leave me, so I turned over slowly. "Ali." I whispered quietly, wrapping my arms around her waist. I was thankful that I was wearing an oversized sweater I had acquired when they had given it to me in the clinic. They had seen that I was incredibly self-conscious whilst in there, so they had given me a large sweater so that I would feel more comfortable.
She leaned over, pressing her forehead to my temple as I rested my head in her lap. "It's okay. It's okay." She whispered over and over again, gently running her fingers through my hair. "It's alright."
"No." I whispered in return, shaking my head as much as I could. "It's not okay." I sniffed gently as she tried to comfort me. "She's gone."
"She's coming back, though." She pressed her lips to my temple gently. "She loves you, Edward. You know that. You've spoken to her as much as you can. She's going to be back as soon as she can. You've got to believe that, Edward."
"I don't know that I can, Ali." I whispered, clutching my sister tighter than before.
She wrapped her arms around me, tighter than before. I felt her tense up slightly and I knew then that she'd felt that I lost weight again. "You have to, Edward." She sighed against the side of my face. "You just have to."
I didn't reply to her, but instead just closed my eyes, and willed everything away. I didn't want to feel anything anything anymore. It hurt too much.
She was gone.
Nothing else mattered. I couldn't hold her anymore.
She doesn't care about you. My mind hissed. She never did. She never cared about you.
The next thing I knew, I was falling into oblivion. Right where I want to be.
_____________________________________________________________________________
I was still mostly asleep when I heard people shuffling around me. The pillow was softer than the one I fell asleep on so I knew that I had been moved to an actual pillow, rather than resting my head on Alice's knees.
"He's losing again." I heard a voice whisper harshly. I knew that was Alice as she had reacted when she wrapped her arms around me.
"Shit." I heard someone mutter and I heard footsteps moving around right by my bed. "Are you sure?"
"Of course I am." She hissed back, sounding extremely stressed. "When I hugged him earlier, he had lost. I could feel his ribs and spine, when I sure as hell couldn't feel them the last time I hugged him properly."
"Shit." A different voice hissed. I knew that to be Jasper's voice. "Ali, this is bad."
"No shit, Sherlock." She spat back, extremely pissed.
"No, Alice." Jasper pleaded with Alice, trying to calm her down. "We found out that something that Bella can come back. Actually, we spoke to her earlier today, when Carlisle was still at work. She's worked out the same thing. Apparently, Phil told her."
"Told her what?" She asked, sounding confused.
"We found out today that Bella didn't even have to leave." Jasper explained, whispering quickly. "Renee lied to us all. She didn't have to leave. Because Bella married Edward, with Charlie's permission, she was legally emancipated. Renee and Charlie have no say in what she does or doesn't do anymore. They have no say anymore. Legally, the one who's in charge of Bella's welfare now that she's married ……… is Edward."
"Really?" Three voices said, shocked in unison.
"Yes." Jasper confirmed.
None of this was sinking in. Some part of me didn't want to believe what he was saying. Because it's not true. The unbelieving part of my mind told me. I was inclined to believe it at the moment. Nothing anyone was telling me was true.
"So, Edward is basically in charge of Bella's welfare and affairs?" A voice, I'm guessing was Rosalie's voice gasped unbelievingly. "Whoa! That's weird. To think that Edward is in charge of what happens with Bella."
I could feel four pairs of eyes on me, and I fidgeted, sliding slowly down so that my duvet covered my head. It was slightly better than before. Now at least I couldn't feel them really staring at me. They were just there, in the same room as me.
"Edward?" I heard a soft voice next to my head. I guessed that it was Rosalie, because it was slightly deeper than the one earlier, whom I knew to be Alice. "Edward, honey, wake up." She cooed, gently pulling the duvet away so she could see my face. "Oh, Edward."
I felt the bed dip and her hand slide under my head, gently lifting me up in an embrace. "You guys." She whispered and I felt something wet gently drop onto my face as her thumb gently brushed my cheek. I hadn't realised I was crying until she wiped the tears away. "Look at him."
"I can't believe we didn't notice." Emmett whispered.
"We have to get Bella back here." Jasper murmured and I could hear him pacing. "Now."
"How are we supposed to do that?" Rose asked, murmuring against my hair gently. "I mean, we know that Bella knows that she can leave Phoenix as soon as she can. But we can't exactly tell her that he's gone back to……" She pressed her lips to my forehead gently. "It'd destroy her."
"I know." Alice whispered and I could feel her tiny fingers running through my hair as well as she bed dipped slightly under her miniscule weight. "But she needs to know."
"Edward needs her here." Emmett agreed with them.
But she's not coming back, is she, Edward? No. Because nobody that you love ever stays with you. They learn that you love them, and they become so disgusted with that idea that all they can do is leave in whatever way they can. Your parents left you. And the only way they knew how, was to die! That's all you're good for. Is driving people away.
I didn't want to listen to the voices ridiculing me in my mind, but I couldn't block them out. They were right. That was all I was good for.
You're going to destroy this family.
I was going to.
I was doing it right now.
Even now, when I wasn't even fully conscious, I was tearing them apart. I was worrying them. Filling them with fear they didn't need to feel.
And Bella? She must have realised what a pathetic waste you are. It's a good thing that you've gone back to starving yourself. Make yourself disappear.
By now, the logical side to my brain had been completely drowned out. The side of my brain, that they had called "Anorexic Edward" in the clinic – for some reason, they'd thought that by applying a physical name to it, it would be easier to get rid of (whoever comes up with these theories must be on something, I tell you that now) - was screaming at me loud and clear. That was all it ever did. Tell me how worthless I am. How much I need to disappear. That there was nothing in this world that I deserved.
Of course………… there's no way you deserve Bella. She's probably realised that now.
I felt myself falling again and I gladly let the oblivion of sleep wash over me, hoping to drown out the remainder of the conversation my siblings were having.
It was all lies, anyway.
She had left me.
Bella was not coming back.
_____________________________________________________________________________
I blinked my eyes open slowly, to reveal a mass of blonde hair surrounding my head. I lifted my head up slowly to see that Rosalie was lying down next to me.
I felt a small body on my other side and saw that Alice was spread out across from her. Both of them had their arms flung over me, their hands clasping each other on my chest, seemingly trapping me there. I didn't have the energy to get up, so I just lay there, waiting for them to get up, or at least move.
"Wakey, wakey." I lifted my head up to see Emmett shifting in the large armchair that was situated in the corner of the room by the door. I looked around and saw that Jasper was spread out on the large leather sofa that had been in my room before, which was now underneath the large bay window that filled the room with light. "How're you feeling?"
I shrugged, not knowing what to say, or even if my mouth would form the words, or my voice box produce the sounds. I didn't want to try it so I didn't bother.
"Why didn't you tell us, Edward?" He asked, and I heard him get up and walk over to the bed. "Why didn't you tell us that you were feeling this bad? We would have been there for you."
"You couldn't do anything." I managed to choke out, feeling tears running down my face. "You don't understand."
"No." I looked at him and he was shaking his head, a sad expression on his face. "But because you didn't say anything to us, we didn't know either." He leaned over and gently took Alice's hand out of Rosalie's and picked her up bridal style. He carried her over to the large cushioned bench that was in built to the bay window, Jasper was currently asleep under. He gently placed her down, before picking up a blanket that lay abandoned on the floor and draping it over her tiny form.
He made his way back over to the bed and sat down where Alice had just been laying.
"You could have told us, you know?" He said softly, brushing my hair out of my face. "We wouldn't have judged you." He sighed as I closed my eyes.
"I'm sorry." I whispered as I felt a single tear run down my face. "I didn't know what to do."
"You need to know that you can talk to us." He told me, sounding ever the concerned big brother. "If you don't talk to us, then we don't know, do we?" I shook my head, slowly, knowing that he was right. "What happened? We thought you were doing okay. When did you……?"
He didn't need to finish the question for me to know that he was asking. "The night she left." I whispered and I heard the hiss of the intake of breath.
"I'm so stupid." He cursed himself under his breath.
"No, Emmett." I opened my eyes and he looked at me. I could see the tears in his eyes and he truly did blame himself and felt that he should have seen and known what was going on with me.
"I should have seen what was going on with you." He whispered, a tear running down his face. "I should have been a better big brother and seen how much you were really hurting. I should have known."
"Emmett," I sat up slowly, not really having the energy to move too quickly. "I didn't want you to see anything." I looked down at my hands, in my lap. "Just like before." I whispered the last part and he looked up at me slowly.
"Edward, I'm so sorry." He leaned forward and wrapped his arms around me, hugging me close to him. "I should have seen, even though you were hiding it. We should have known."
Even though the close contact made me extremely uncomfortable, I was grateful for the comfort that Emmett was offering. He was trying his best to make me feel safe and cared for and to a certain extent, it was working.
I buried my head in his shoulder as I felt more tears coming. "It's all over." I whispered into his shoulder.
"What's all over?" He asked, clearly confused. "Nothing's over."
"It is." I replied, resting my head in the juncture between his shoulder and his neck. To anyone looking in, this probably looked extremely weird, but to us, it was purely one brother trying to calm another. "She's gone." I closed my eyes and felt more tears running down my cheeks. The voices in my mind were screaming at me now. I knew that I shouldn't be saying anything to Emmett, but some part of me – the rational side – wanted him to know. Wanted him to help.
"She's coming back though." Emmett told me, trying to comfort me. "Bella's coming back. You know that she didn't want to leave, right?"
"Some part of me knows that." I admitted, sitting up and pushing myself away from Emmett. He didn't completely let me go though. It was as if he felt that if he let me go, I would disappear. "Some part of me wants to believe that if she could come back then she would, but…… I don't know. Another part of me knows that …"
"What?" I heard a small voice from behind me say gently. I turned my head and saw Rosalie lying there, awake with tears streaming down her face. She had heard the whole conversation between Emmett and I. "Another part of you knows what?"
She sat up, her eyes glistening with tears that were just waiting to be shed and I hated myself for making her feel this way. This was just more proof that all I did was hurt people. That was all I was good for.
"Edward?" Emmett asked, looking at me.
"Another part of me is convinced that …… she's not coming back." I whispered this, slamming my eyes shut. "Some part of me knows that no matter how much I want her to, she's not coming back and it doesn't matter how much I love her. She's gone for good."
"No, Edward." I looked over and saw that Alice and Jasper were now awake and looking at me with tear filled eyes. "That's not true."
"I'll be betting that she's on a plane right now, flying back here, just to come home to you." Alice added, climbing off of the bench that Emmett had placed her one, clutching the blanket around her shoulders gently as she made her way towards me.
"I want to believe you, Ali." I whispered as Rose slid her arm around my shoulders, holding me to her tightly. "But, I just……"
"We know." Rose whispered, pressing her lips to my temple.
"But you don't know." I said forcefully. "You don't understand."
"Then why don't you explain it to us." Alice said softly, sitting on the edge of my bed, Jasper settling next to her.
"I don't know that I can."
"Please try." Rose whispered, trying to sort out my hair gently.
"I wouldn't bother with that mop he's got, Rose." Emmett chuckled. "You know it's never gonna stay down."
"I know." I felt her smiling against my temple. "Gotta try though."
"Edward." Alice called softly, and I looked up at her to see her eyes swimming with unshed tears. "Please. We need to at least try to understand. To know."
I sighed heavily, nodding slowly, looking down at my lap. "I don't know how to explain it." I sighed, closing my eyes. "It's like …… it's like there's two me's. One of them is telling me that everything you're saying is true. That everything I've been hearing and feeling is right. That she's going to come back and everything's going to be okay-"
"Which it will." Emmett cut me off, resting a hand on my shoulder.
"But then…" I carried on, not really recognising that he had interrupted. "There's something else in my head, telling me that everything is absolute bullshit." I whispered harshly. "That everything I know wrong. That's she's not coming back, that I've driven her away, because ……"
"Because?" Alice nudged softly.
"Because everyone that I love leaves me." I finished and Rose clutched me tighter to her.
"That's not true." Jasper whispered gently, choking back a small sob. "You know that's not true."
"We love you." Alice reached across and rested her hands on my knees. "And we're still here."
"You love us, don't you?" Emmett asked, wiggling his eyebrows as I looked up at him.
I let out a choked laugh and nodded. "Of course, I do. Just not in that way." I added, as he smirked at me. Even so, it was a sad smirk. "But it's only a matter of time."
"Until?"
"Until you all disappear." I whispered, closing my eyes and leaning back against Rosalie.
"We're not going anywhere." Rose whispered and the others all nodded.
I closed my eyes, leaning against one sister, the other resting her head in my lap, my brother's glancing between me and each other, once again letting the deep oblivion of sleep take me, yet again.
____________________________________________________________________________
"I can't believe she lied to you." I heard a harsh whisper echo throughout the room, in my sleepy haze.
"I know." I heard a beautiful voice sound. I knew that voice. That was the voice I wanted to hear for the rest of my life. "And she had the nerve to tell every single lie she could to Phil as well. It was him that made me aware of the fact that Renee lied."
"What did you when you found out?" I heard Emmett asked, glee in his voice. Obviously he was looking for an exciting tale.
"I hit her." I heard her sigh.
I opened my eyes slowly, and saw the one person that I wanted to see. She was sitting there, smiling, looking around at the othera in the room. She looked different. Her cheeks, even though they were flushed with the slight embarrassment of her admission, weren't as rosy as they had been before she left, her skin was paler – if that was possible – and her eyes didn't have the same intense sparkle that they did before.
What had happened to her in Phoenix?
She turned to look at me and a huge smile lit up her face at seeing me awake. "Hey, you." She whispered, resting her head on my bed, next to mine. "Oh, I can't believe I lasted even a day without seeing those gorgeous eyes of yours."
I smiled gently at her as she grinned at me.
"We'll leave you two to it." I heard someone say as three out of four bodies started moving. I heard a slap and then a resounding 'ow' as I guessed Rose hit Emmett over the head. He started to move and then I heard the door close.
"You have no idea how much I've missed you, love." She whispered, brushing my fringe out of my eyes.
"I thought……" My eyes began welling up with tears. "I thought you weren't coming back."
"Oh baby." She crawled into the bed. Our bed. It was our bed again. At least I hoped so. "Of course I was always going to come back." She wrapped her arms around me, holding me tightly to her. "There was nothing that could ever keep me away. No one can ever keep me away from you." She sighed, holding me to her tightly, as if I was going to disappear if she let me go. But then again, I was holding her in the same way. "Oh, baby. You're so thin."
I could hear the tears welling up in her voice. I buried my head in her shoulder, taking in the scent of her strawberry shampoo.
"You've lost weight." I whispered gently, looking up at her. She looked away from me guiltily. "It seems like I'm not the only one who's been neglecting my health."
"I know." She mumbled. She slid down slowly so that she was level with me. "Edward, love. There's something I need to tell you."
"What?" I asked, the confusion coming through in my tone. "What is it?"
"First, I want to make sure that you're real. And that I'm really here. With you." She smiled.
She moved closer to me, gently pressing her lips to mine.
I melted into it, revelling in the feeling of her lips on mine. I needed this. This is what I needed to survive.
The feeling of her lips on mine.
The taste of her.
Knowing that she was here, that she was real.
She broke away from me, too soon, if you ask me, peppering kisses all over my face as I drank in the sight, smell and sound of her.
"I needed that." She whispered, resting her forehead on mine, pressing tiny little kisses to my nose every few seconds.
"What did you need to tell me?" I asked, closing my eyes slowly, taking a deep breath, inhaling her beautiful scent.
"Edward." She took a deep breath and then said the two words that turned my entire world upside down, yet again.
"I'm pregnant."
