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My reaction to the revelation was physically extreme. I began to shake. My knees became weak. I could not breathe and ended up choking.

All of this troubled Kirk. I could see the worry on his face as I began to fall to the deck.

'Spock!' The captain grabbed me and propped me against the wall before I could hit my head on the floor. He then knelt at my side and checked me for injuries.

After making sure I did not need medical aid, he offered me what my father called 'reassuring nonsense'. 'Hey, it's okay. It's over. We're on the Enterprise. We're safe.'

Apparently, Kirk believed I had fainted from the trauma associated with the memories of Tarsus IV. I opened my mouth to correct his assumption, but I could not do so. There was water in my eyes. Some of it must have dripped into my mouth, for when I tried to speak, all that issued forth was a choked moan.

Kirk moved closer to me as I moaned again. I felt his arm wrap around my shoulder, but the sensation was vague, as if he was touching me through many layers of fabric instead of one.

I did not know what was happening to me. Was I ill? This had never occurred before, and I was not sure how to stop it.

But Kirk seemed to know what to do. He appeared to be on alert, as if protecting something. From the lack of other beings or objects around us, I assumed that something was me.

After a few moments, the captain turned his eyes back to me. Although my sense of my body was still not complete, I could tell that I had not stopped shaking and my eyes were watering more profusely.

'Should I call Dr. McCoy?' he asked softly. 'Bones is a friend of mine. He'll be discreet.'

Discretion did not seem to be what I needed to stop this reaction. But I did not know what would. I shook my head. 'I am well. I simply do not understand this physiological response.'

Kirk's eyes shone with a piercing look I did not understand. 'It's not just physical, Spock.'

I shook my head again, although my father had given me explicit instructions to never reveal my emotional neutrality. However, the rules had changed in a split-second flash of memory. This man was not a potential victim. He was not a co-worker. He was not an acquaintance who suspected that I was not quite right.

He was Jamie.

Even I, in my unemotional condition, understood that our shared past changed all of my father's rules.

I was well aware that many years had passed since I last saw my friend. I was aware that he could have blocked the whole situation out of his memory in order to be able to move on with his life.

But I already knew that he hadn't.

It wasn't only the smile I saw when I exited the recreation room that informed me, although that had been the final piece of the puzzle that had irritated me since I received word of Captain Kirk's transfer to the Enterprise.

It was also the reason for his presence here. Suddenly, I had a very good theory as to why Kirk had chosen this ship and made such stringent demands to get it.

He wanted to be with me. He challenged Starfleet in order to command the ship on which I resided.

But why?

Why would he want to be with me, and risk his career to do it, after more than twenty five years?

I looked at Kirk, hoping to get answers, but all I saw was a man who was as puzzled as I was.

Of course, his confusion had a different focus. Me.

'What happened to you?' The captain asked quietly. 'Is this what I did to you?'

I stared at him, not comprehending. What could he have caused? I was not aware of any injury to my person.

Seeing my lack of understanding, Kirk shook his head and stood up. 'Come on, if you won't see McCoy, at least let me help you to your cabin.'

I stood on shaky legs and started making my way slowly back to my quarters. Noticing my difficulty, Kirk put my arm on his shoulder as he kept pace with me.

Neither of us said a word as we walked, but Kirk kept glancing at me with a solemn expression. From the downward pull of his lips, I assumed I had disappointed him in some way.

But even in his disappointment, the captain was considerate. When we reached my cabin, he helped me into my room and sat me down on my desk chair.

'Now how do I help you recover from this?' he asked, waving me to silence when I attempted to protest. 'I was the one who stirred your memory. It's my fault you're in this state.'

I could not refute his statement, as I could not deduce any other cause for my behavior. So I asked him to prepare my meditation candle and mat. Then he helped me kneel before the candle.

It was difficult to slow my physical responses to our shared past. I was able to cease enough of them to achieve a meditative state only after I heard Kirk sit on the floor nearby.

He said nothing as I meditated. But I could tell he was watching me because he shifted minutely when I began to lose the physiological symptoms that were thwarting me. I heard the first shift as my tears completely ceased, the second as my trembling stopped.

But when I began meditating on his actions, Kirk became restless. He fidgeted when I wondered why he worried about me. He sighed as I pondered his disappointment in me.

After many minutes of this, he spoke.

'Do you remember when we first met?' His voice was quiet and hesitant, as if afraid that his question would spark the same reaction in me that the other memory did.

I opened my eyes but did not answer him for a few moments. I was waiting for my thoughts to become clear.

After I studied the captain's face, they did. 'We met at the ship dock above Tarsus IV. You were there because your brother was ill. I was there because my father allowed my instructor to take Sybok and myself on what humans call a 'field trip'.'

Kirk nodded. 'Yeah. Sam had gotten seriously sick from some mutant strain of influenza. To protect me, my parents sent me to Aunt Grace, who was the biologist for the Tarsus IV colony.' He appeared sad as he remembered. 'I can't help feeling guilty about my aunt's death. If I hadn't been there, would Kodos have been more forgiving to her?'

'Most likely not.' I replied cautiously. Over the many years since the event, I had not considered my role in my instructor Sylvin's death. I *had* been responsible for his demise. If I hadn't needed instruction on human cultures, we wouldn't have taken the trip to the colony.

My father had not given me advice on this type of situation. Was it necessary for me to mimic guilt in this case? Did I need to lament my role in Sylvin's death? Or Sybok's?

As I pondered this, Kirk gave me an angry look. I could not fathom why, as I had not spoken in the previous four minutes.

His next words confused me even more, as they seemed to relate directly to my thoughts. 'I'm sorry I said anything. I've upset you by bringing all this up. I should have waited until you were ready.' He sighed. 'I forgot your teacher and brother died too.

'Look, we were four years old. We couldn't do anything about Kodos or the riots.' He ran his fingers through his hair in agitation. 'But I do feel guilty about what I did to you. That I could control.'

My puzzlement redirected onto my captain. 'I do not remember you doing anything inappropriate.'

'I did. You might not realize it, but I did. I--rejected you.' His voice became a whisper. 'After you did everything you could to save me, I rejected you and left you on your own. Your teacher and your brother were dead. When I left, you had nobody.'

Now the captain was trembling and...crying. There were a few droplets of water rolling down his cheek. Fascinating. He was showing the same symptoms I had when I collapsed in the hallway.

Although I wanted to study this further, the captain's state, and the social norms surrounding it, dictated that I concentrate on him at the moment. But unlike Kirk, I did not know what to do to aid someone in that condition. So I watched him until he began to calm.

'Sorry.' Kirk whispered, appearing embarrassed. 'I guess I haven't dealt with this as well as I thought I had.'

He shook himself and almost immediately appeared less distraught. His words, however, suggested he still suffered from guilt. 'I need to make all that up to you.'

I stood up, feeling the need to pace. So I took a few steps toward my desk. 'But as you said earlier, this was a long time ago.' I turned to face my captain, who had stood as well. 'Why do you feel the need to ask my forgiveness and 'make up' to me for a slight that occurred when we were barely older than toddlers?'

Kirk took a deep breath before speaking. 'Because before I petitioned for this commission, I stopped at Federation headquarters and talked to your father. We both believe I am at least partially responsible for your condition.'

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end part 5

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I stared at the captain as I tried to decipher, first, how much he knew about my condition, and second, if his statement could possibly be true. The best I could do was conclude that he knew more than my other acquaintances, since he had talked to my father concerning me.

As to whether he was speaking the truth, I could only reach one conclusion. 'You could not be responsible,' I said with certainty. 'I do not remember the rejection that you claim happened. Human children often have memory difficulties, because they do not learn mnemonic devices until age eight to ten, whereas Vulcans are taught starting at age two. So I suspect you altered the memory unintentionally.

'What I remember was that we were physically close the weeks we spent on the planet. We engaged in activities that are normal in human friendships. There was no animosity or arguments between us. In fact, I remember you waving in farewell as you were put on the transport to Earth.'

Kirk ran his hands through his hair. He did not appear comfortable discussing this part of our past. 'I didn't...I couldn't...Hell, it wasn't an overt rejection.' He sighed. 'It was a mental one.'

When I raised my eyebrow to question his conclusion, he simply shook his head, indicating he would tell me nothing further. So I searched my memories for the veracity of his conviction. After a time, I discovered that something in the deep recesses of my mind echoed with the belief that Kirk was telling at least a partial truth.

But how could that be? My memories clashed with his assertion.

Kirk began showing signs of discomfort. 'We should get some sleep. It's late, and I think I stirred up enough of the past for one day.'

I could see the reluctance to pursue our discussion in his eyes. From his body language, I concluded that he viewed his actions during that time as mistakes.

I was curious about what he could do at four years of age that would make him this uncomfortable twenty five years later, but I would get more chances to discover what had happened. There were benefits to biding one's time. You could often catch people off-guard if you waited long enough.

So I accepted his excuse for now and bade him goodnight.

Oddly, I did not sleep well that night. I woke many times in an overheated state.

Looking at the reading on my console after I woke the fifth time, I saw that the temperature was not responsible for the heat I felt.

But since I did not feel ill and I could not find another reason for my insomnia, I went back to my bed.

That course of action was futile. Because of my state, I could no longer even fall asleep. I was too preoccupied by thoughts of my new captain. Our past and present kept merging in my mind, one overlapping the other.

Was he responsible for my disability? He must have been, if my father said it was true. But how? Why?

Had he been so malicious a child that he took my emotions from me in some cruel procedure? I was once again surprised as part of me screamed 'No!' rather loudly, even before I finished that thought.

I immediately fell to my meditation mat to help me discover where that voice came from. But this time I hadn't simply forgotten the events it seemed to refer to. My memories appeared to be blocked in some fashion.

Although I tried for many hours, it was a barrier I couldn't break.

I explored the blockage carefully, but all I could discover was that it echoed thoughts of my father in an undefinable way.

Temporarily thwarted, I asked the computer for the time and found that it was now close to alpha shift. Removing myself from my meditation mat, I prepared myself for the start of my day, musing the whole time about the mystery in which I now found myself entrenched.

The mystery deepened as I walked onto the bridge an hour later. As soon as I entered, Kirk turned his head away from me instead of greeting me as he would the other crew members.

This was extremely disorienting, as he had been very soliticitous the night before. Had I made an error that I was unaware of?

But as I studied Kirk from the corner of my eye when my tasks allowed, I found him watching me not with an angry gaze, but with one that seemed remorseful.

That made assessment much easier. The captain still felt guilt concerning the role he played in my past.

The more I observed his discomfort, the more I became aware of something best described as a mental 'itch'. The itch was an indication that part of myself was irritated by Kirk's demeanor. This was not a satisfactory state of affairs.

So, as with physical itches, I attempted to scratch it.

As soon as my shift ended, I made arrangements to talk to my father.

It was late in the ship's day by the time I was able to establish contact with him, as that was when we were in the vicinity of the Ferengi-ruled planet he was currently on.

As soon as my father's face appeared on the screen, I could see that something was different.

He appeared...surprised.

This was odd. He had not shown me that facial expression very often. In fact, the only time I can remember it being clearly on Sarek's face was when I announced that I was joining Starfleet instead of taking the position at the Vulcan Science Academy.

So why would he have this look on his face before I uttered a word?

Sarek's answer to this question confused me, as he answered it before I asked.

'Spock, are you angry?' My father asked in a tone that held both that surprise and another emotion as well. Did I detect pleasure in his voice? It seemed so, but I pushed that thought away in order to answer his question.

'No, Father. I would not disgrace my House so.' I said automatically, as this was the standard response Vulcans are taught as children. It was used as a way to remind them of their lessons concerning Surak's teachings.

Sarek examined my face for a few moments. 'Something is different. Your face shows expression.'

I raised my eyebrow. This was a completely new development. He had never told me that unless I was mimicking someone. Of course, we both knew I didn't need to mimic anyone in front of him.

'I assure you, Father, that I am not attempting to appear angry, nor do I feel any different from my normal state of emotionlessness.' That was not completely true, but what I felt inside me was physical tension. Was this anger? If so, why was I angry with my father?

Sarek appeared skeptical of my claim, but did not question me further on it. He instead directed me towards the purpose for my communication. 'What information do you seek?'

'I wish to know why part of my memory has been blocked from my awareness. When Captain Kirk came aboard the ship, I discovered we shared a past. We were acquaintances on Tarsus IV. The captain inadvertantly aided me in rediscovering some memories of this time. But when I meditated afterward to finish recalling the events, I found I could not.' I felt the tense sensation in my body rise and peak. Curious.

Sarek sighed as he watched me. 'I was apprehensive about this day. Now I find that it has come too soon. I must face the regret I have concerning the actions I took.'

'I do not understand.'

My father did not hide from me, but he did not appear pleased to be divulging the information he had previously kept from me. 'I created the memory block.'

'What purpose does it serve?' I asked curiously. I knew many beings would be upset at having their memory tampered with, but as emotionless as I was, I simply wanted to know why it was done.

'To protect you from the broken bond.' Sarek bowed his head, as if in remorse.

Bond? What bond?

'I am not bonded to anyone, Father.'

'You are no longer.' Sarek agreed softly. 'You became bonded to a being during your ordeal on Tarsus IV. It was to be expected, as you both were under great stress. But when the events were over, it was best to separate you.'

I absorbed this information, and after a few minutes of contemplation, reached a conclusion. 'Then you misinformed the captain. Jamie is not responsible for my condition. You are.'

Sarek nodded in agreement but seemed surprised by my statement in some way. 'What is your relationship with your captain?'

'Negligible. He has been here only a few days.' I replied, but I could not be sure of this. Our past seemed to make Kirk appear more familiar to me than most people. Was it the same for him? From his kindness last night, I suspected it was.

My father recognized this familiarity as well. 'And yet there are already changes in you. You have frowned, appeared agitated, and used your captain's old nickname quite spontaneously. Unless you are attempting to deceive me in some way?'

'I am not.' It was counterproductive to deceive the person who could help me explain my reactions.

'Then it seems that you are changing.' Sarek did not seem displeased by this possibility.

'Do you approve?' I asked in an attempt to confirm my assessment of his expression. I did not want to make a mistake, as my father was the one being I turned to for advice in all things.

'When your captain approached me initially, I was concerned. Although he told me you were in distress, I was not so sure. I may have to reevaluate the evidence, given what has happened in this short period of time.' I could not decipher the cues on Sarek's face well. But I estimated that he was feeling some sadness.

Rather than attempt to discover the reason, I chose to focus on the one word that he had never said before in connection with me. 'Distressed?'

Sarek squeezed his hands together in agitation. 'Yes. Your captain believed that he sensed pain from you when the Enterprise docked with the Farragut a year ago.'

I pondered this revelation until I remembered that something odd had happened during that ship-to-ship contact. 'I was ill during that time. Dr. Piper had surmised I caught desert fever from the young sehlat the Farragut was transporting to the Intrepid.'

Sarek nodded, but negated my previous physician's assessment. 'Kirk is convinced it was not physical. He believed your symptoms were caused by the bond attempting to repair itself.'

'But I did not see him during the rendevous.' How could the captain deduce my condition without being in my presence? And why would the bond attempt to reestablish itself if I hadn't remembered he existed?

I felt the tenseness build inside me when Sarek did not answer my questions, but instead revealed more of his manipulations of my life. 'Because I expressly forbid it. Therefore, he watched you on the security monitors aboard the Enterprise.'

This caused more surprise in me. I very rarely feel this sensation, as it requires a certain expectation of a situation. My lack of emotion seems to preclude expectations most of the time.

But now, my mind hovered over a question that intrigued me: why was the captain focused on me? 'Kirk wanted to see me? Why?'

'He believed he had sensed your presence periodically since he left you on Tarsus IV. He was sure he knew when you were within ten thousand kilometers of him.'

I blinked, not sure what to make of this possibility. 'Was he telling the truth?'

'Oh, I most certainly was,' said a voice behind me. I turned around to find Kirk leaning against the bathroom doorway. 'Sorry for the intrusion, but you left your side unlocked and I thought that invading your privacy would actually do you some good.' Kirk glared at my comm screen.

My father sighed defeatedly and nodded. 'Perhaps it will.'

Why was my father deferring to my captain? I looked between them, attempting to discern an answer.

Kirk shook his head at my father as he attempted to speak. 'You've done enough, Ambassador. It's my turn.'

He walked over to me calmly and stopped within a half of meter of me. 'We need each other, Spock. If I hadn't gone around your father and threatened Starfleet with losing my services, there's a good chance both of us would have been dead in a year.'

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end part 6