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'Dead?' I raised my eyebrow. 'Is that not a severely negative view?'
Kirk took my hand in his and examined it. 'I don't think so. I saw how sick you were last year. I could tell something was desperately wrong. So I did some research. I consulted the VSA and I went to Vulcan to talk to healers. They all told me the same thing. Basically, the broken bond had developed some kind of 'infection' because every time we got near each other, it tried to heal itself, but when we parted, it tore again.'
The thought was highly intriguing. 'Why did I not sense this?'
Kirk shrugged. 'In a way you did. You got sick from being close enough to sense me, but too far away to start healing the bond. But since you didn't remember me or the bond, you couldn't really understand what those symptoms were or how to deal with them.'
But something did not compute within this framework. 'Why do I not have any symptoms now?'
'You did last night,' Kirk countered. 'You nearly passed out when you remembered me.'
'But I am well now,' I replied. 'Should I not have more symptoms if the connection between us is infected?'
'Mmhmm.' Kirk hummed softly. 'What's different now?'
I thought for a moment. 'You.'
It was obvious where he was leading me, and from what I knew of bonds, I could not fault his logic. 'You stayed with me.'
'I was there when you became upset. And I was there to help you recover from the pain.' Jamie sat on the floor in front of me, echoing a stance I seemed to remember from long ago.
'But are you not the reason I reacted in that manner?' Similar to the day before, I had to resist the urge to reach for the captain's hand. Was this action part of the memories my father blocked? I suspected so.
'Yeah, I am,' he said softly. 'But I think you've always either been emotional or needed emotions from others when I've been around...'
I looked to the comm screen, where my father was still watching us. 'He knows, my son.'
'All of it?' Did Sarek tell him of my need? Or was the broken bond somehow telling him about my behavior?
'Including the meeting I interrupted last night.' Kirk sighed, confirming my suspicion about the bond. 'Barnes is fine, by the way, and I will look into his activities as soon as I can.'
When he saw my quirked eyebrow, Jamie tapped at his temple. 'I can't believe you can't feel it.'
'It is the memory block.' My father interrupted, appearing disturbed for a reason I could not decipher.
'But I can practically hear him think! You're telling me he can't hear me at all?!' the captain exclaimed.
'I cannot,' I interjected, hoping to calm Kirk, as his agitation seemed to create more tension in me.
But it appeared to make him worse. The anger on his face increased as he stomped over to my comm console.
My father had told me when I was young that many beings find a gentle touch calming. So I reached out to Kirk. But when our hands touched, I gasped in pain.
Which only made Kirk angrier. 'The block is hurting him! It needs to be removed,' the captain snapped at my father. 'He can't go on like this.'
'To do so would be to risk his demise, Captain,' my father insisted as I tried to watch both of them simultaneously. I found myself disoriented by the attempt.
Kirk looked me over carefully. 'It has to go. It's making the infection worse. He's trying to find all those memories of us now. The bond is trying to help him, but the block is getting in the way.
'Oh, don't look so worried, Ambassador.' The captain's voice had a mysteriously mocking tone as he turned back to the console. 'You're right. We can't get rid of it now. If we yank it out, the psychic shock will probably kill us. Unlike most Vulcans, Spock has no idea how to treat an injured bond.' Kirk glared at my father.
Sarek bowed his head slightly. 'I did not think it necessary to teach him about bonding. I did not believe he would ever have another.'
'Oh, he might not,' Kirk agreed in a sharp tone. 'He might just decide he likes the one he has.'
Sarek sighed, but nodded. 'Please see a healer and make sure Spock is adequately informed before embarking on this path. But I must warn you, James. It will be difficult. You are no longer children, and he has been without emotion since your departure.'
'I know.' The captain immediately lost his mocking tone when he saw the remorse on Sarek's face. Instead of expressing more animosity, he bowed his head respectfully toward my father. 'But most things that are worth the effort are difficult. Your son will be safe in my care.'
I supposed that if I were an emotional being, I would be honored by their battle of words. But I felt nothing, and this time, my lack of affect made me tense. For once, part of me wished that I could appreciate their care.
At the same time, I could feel the need growing inside me. Somehow, it had been exacerbated by the events here.
Overwhelmed by my quickly growing hunger, I looked between my captain and my father and stood up. 'I must leave.' Without another word, I walked out my cabin door.
I headed to the recreation room at the end of the hall in hope of finding an appropriate victim.
But before I could open the door, I felt a prick at my neck and fell unconscious.
When I woke, I was once again in my room, with a worried captain and CMO standing over me.
'What did you say was wrong with him?' I heard Dr. Leonard McCoy say as I kept my eyes mostly closed. It was best for them to think I was still unconscious. For once they left, I intended to again pursue a victim.
'He's having an acute stress reaction.' Kirk said clinically, as if he were a physician himself. His tone made me speculate that he had done intensive study on my condition before boarding the ship. 'I stirred up some rather violent memories in him.'
McCoy looked surprised. 'You sound as if you know exactly what memories.'
Kirk nodded. 'We've met before. No, I don't want to discuss it.' He stopped the doctor's comment with a wave of his hand. 'Let's just say the circumstances were rather painful.'
'From the way you are avoiding the topic, I can guess you were a victim of whatever happened. Him, too?' McCoy asked, waving at me.
The captain nodded. 'It was worse for him. He was never allowed a chance to heal.'
McCoy sighed as his eyes swept over my form. 'That damned unemotional society of his.'
Kirk nodded but did not enlighten the doctor any further.
McCoy sighed again. 'Let me know if you need anymore help with him.'
'I'll be fine, Bones. I'm taking it slowly.' Kirk reached toward me, but his hand stopped before I felt his touch. I could tell by the expression on his face that he did not want to cause me pain.
But before I could ponder why he wanted to touch me, Lieutenant Uhura called over the loudspeakers. 'Captain Kirk to the bridge. Captain to the bridge. We are in orbit around Reteen.'
'Damn.' Kirk swore softly.
'Do you want me to stay with him?' McCoy's voice was gentle with affection. However, I knew it was directed solely at Kirk. The CMO had barely seen me since he came aboard with Kirk.
'No, I think he'll be fine. He just needs a chance to calm down. Giving him some time alone might actually help. I'll leave him a note.' Kirk left my field of vision in order to write his missive to me.
'Ok, let's go.' A moment later, McCoy also left my sight.
As soon as I heard the door shut, I sat up and opened my eyes completely.
Kirk was correct. I did need some time alone. But he was wrong about why. I simply needed more time to find a victim correctly, by following my father's rules. When Kirk had thwarted me so easily, I had seen confirmation of Sarek's wisdom.
So I kneeled on my meditation mat until I came up with the name of a crewmember that suited my needs.
Kevin Riley. He was new to the ship. He had come with Kirk and the others. But he had a record of insubordination and of making a nuisance of himself in many ways. Practical jokes, insults, and malicious rumors were all part of his repertoire.
So an hour later, I went down to the engine room, where I expected Riley to be alone at his post.
The lieutenant was singing softly to himself when I quietly approached him from behind. It was an Irish tune about a female named Kathleen. But his song abruptly ended as I wrapped a hand around his forehead and simultaneously pulled him into a meld.
His fear made me weak with hunger from the first moment I felt it. I devoured it even before he began to fight me. I knew this one would be dead when I was finished. My need was too strong for it to be otherwise.
So I made him fight for his life and sucked his mental energy into me. Until I felt a force pull at me from the back at my mind.
Stop! Not Kevin! Please, not Kevin! it screamed.
The voice broke my concentration, and I fell out of the meld and onto the floor.
As I did, I saw Kirk rush into the engine room with McCoy fast on his heels. '*I* will take care of Spock, Bones. Don't touch him. Just get Riley out of here.'
Kirk's face was the last thing I saw as I felt another hypo at my neck.
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end part 7
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When I woke, I was restrained. After a moment to survey the room, I realized that I was confined to my own bed, and that Captain Kirk was pacing and speaking quietly to himself at my feet. I could barely make out his words, as it appeared he was attempting to not disturb my enforced rest.
'I could tell Bones he was trying to help Riley,' he said softly as I watched. 'But he was there. He'd never believe it.'
Kirk turned to walk past the bed another time, but did not see that I was awake. He was staring at the floor in front of him. 'Maybe I could say he thought Riley was a threat to him...'
'Perhaps it is best to put me in the brig.' I suggested quietly, making Kirk raise his head and grace me with a stern gaze.
'Not an option,' the captain returned firmly. 'I won't have my bondmate imprisoned for something he doesn't have control over.'
'I am not your bondmate any longer,' I countered logically.
'Not through our choice,' Kirk raged softly. The anger in his voice was unexpected, but it seemed to be directed at an unseen adversary rather than myself. Given the topic of conversation, I concluded its intended target was my father. 'If it had been our decision, we wouldn't be having these problems.'
Then, rather suddenly, he put his hands up to his head and groaned. Staggering slightly, he moved toward the wall to lean against it.
For an unknown reason, I was bothered by his pain. Something about it suggested I was the cause of it.
'Are you ill, Captain?' Forgetting the restraints momentarily, I reached for him. They pulled me back onto the bed almost instantly.
'Huh?' Kirk groaned sofly but shook his head. 'It's nothing.'
I did not believe him. His distress made that itch inside me return. 'You are obviously in pain. Perhaps you should see the doctor.'
'We have more important concerns right now.' Kirk resumed his pacing. But now, after each pass, he paused to study my face. 'I need to figure out how to keep you on the ship.'
His endeavor was illogical. I was a liability to the ship, and we both knew it. But if he wished to pursue this course of action, I, as his first officer, was obliged to help him. 'You told McCoy that I was suffering from a traumatic reaction earlier. If you are going to insist that I stay, you only need to extend that explanation.'
'Of course I want to keep you on the ship. You belong here.' The captain stopped walking to study my face in depth. 'You don't get it, do you?'
'What am I supposed to 'get'?' I asked with a raised eyebrow.
'I'm trying to help you,' Jamie said quietly, with a note of pleading in his voice. That tone sent a shiver through my body.
But since I did not understand my own response, I continued logically, 'I do not need any aid in my endeavors. I have been functioning adequately.'
He sighed, his hands clenched by his sides. 'Yeah, so adequately that you almost killed Baby Kevin!'
It took me a minute to search my memories, but since my experiences with that person were not associated with the bond, it was simple to navigate around my father's block.
When I remembered, a gasp slipped out of me. Baby Kevin? I hurt Baby Kevin? My stomach chose this time to have difficulty digesting my dinner. I suddenly felt queasy. Was this illness...or was this another reaction? I could not tell, as I had never associated stomach upset with an emotion before.
My memory shifted to when I had known Kevin Riley in another capacity. When we were on Tarsus IV, the infant had been both friend and toy. In fact, Baby Kevin had been the center of our play some days.
Kevin was eight months old when we met him, a few days after coming to Tarsus IV. At four years, we felt very old and wise compared to him. So one day, I chose to take responsibility for his upbringing.
I described my mission to my new friend as his aunt walked us over to the Riley's.
'You can't teach a baby to walk, Spock. They learn that on their own.' Jamie declared knowingly as we sat down to play with the boy.
'I can and I will,' I retorted. 'He needs a good teacher. He might learn to walk the wrong way if I don't help him.' I picked the baby up and with struggling arms, stood him upright against my chest, where he wobbled and giggled.
'Don't drop him!' Jamie exclaimed, holding out his hands to try to catch Kevin if my arms slipped.
'I will not.' Slowly I coaxed Kevin to walk a few steps while I held him up, but of course the baby's legs did not support him for long and we both crashed to the floor a minute later.
Jamie laughed at our predicament with an infuriating expression of superiority. 'See, I told you.'
'It was only his first try. He must practice.' I glared up at my companion. Then we were both distracted by Kevin, who was trying to wrap his tiny fingers around my ear.
'No, Baby. Those don't come off.' Jamie rescued me by picking Kevin up and putting him on the blanket where his toys lay.
That was only the first of many times I attempted to aid Kevin. If my memory was accurate, the child was walking on his own two months later.
The past faded away as I watched Kirk stare at me. He wanted me to acknowledge my error. I could see the accusation on his face.
So I acceded to his wishes. 'I apologize. It was not my intention to hurt your acquaintances.'
The captain sighed. 'All 430 of these people are my acquaintances now, Spock.' He ran his fingers through his hair. 'What are we going to do? I can't have you attacking the crew.'
'Then I should not be on the ship, Captain.'
Kirk shook his head and came over to my side. 'Can I trust you to not attack anyone until we figure this out?'
'Yes. My condition was partially relieved by Lieutenant Riley.' I found that I wanted to please him. If restraining my need more than usual would accomplish this, I would do it.
He did not ask if I was telling the truth, which was curious. I was sure that he knew many humans would say whatever necessary to be freed from restraints. They would not consider the immorality of lying for more than a moment.
Then as I watched, Kirk closed his eyes, as if listening to a voice from within.
'I can hear those wheels turning, Commander.' He smiled as he opened his eyes.
'Wheels, Sir?' I raised my eyebrow.
'The ones inside your head.' Kirk released the restraints and helped me sit up, being careful not to touch my skin so he didn't aggravate the our injured connection. 'I can pick up many of your thoughts from the bond even though it's fractured.'
'But you did not pick up my deception earlier.'
'The bond *is* broken.' Kirk sat on the bed next to me. 'I have to concentrate to get any information out of it.'
I nodded, now understanding how I could deceive him so easily while he was talking to Dr. McCoy, but he could track me down just as easily when he found me no longer in my quarters.
Kirk looked at me plaintatively. 'Promise me you won't do that again until we figure out how to give you what you need without anyone getting hurt. I want you to be able to satisfy that need of yours safely.'
He held up his hand as I was about to protest. 'Don't tell me you can do without it. I can feel how it eats at you.'
'But you are indicating that if I were to indulge the need, I would be risking my job on this ship.' I moved away from him to try to quell the agitation he suddenly exhibited. I knew from my father that my presence often disturbed people because I was 'not quite right'.
Kirk sighed and stared at the spot I had vacated. He did not calm when I gave him space. Rather, he seemed bereft without me near. But that did not stop him from trying to reassure me. 'It's a hell of a conundrum, but I'll find a way to work it out. Let me know when that feeling overwhelms you again. Right now, I have to try to make some excuse to Bones.'
I agreed that this was the best course of action. So, with a nod and an odd look of want directed at me, Kirk left to discuss the situation with the doctor.
Apparently, he was able to satisfy McCoy. I heard no more about it.
Instead the captain treated me as if nothing had happened when I entered the bridge the next morning.
I took his behavior as a cue and acted the same. However, I found myself wondering if Kirk would keep his promise. When I had a few moments of inactivity, I weighed the chance of him needing time to develop his plan to help me against the chance of him abandoning the task because he found it too difficult or not to his liking.
'I know that thought doesn't bother you,' Kirk whispered in my ear a minute later. He had stepped up to the science station without my notice. 'But it irritates me to realize you believe I would do that to you. No, I didn't abandon you. I just need time.'
I gave him a look of disbelief. He had left his seat simply to reassure me? I did not understand why he would concern himself with correcting my musings.
'You will in time.' Kirk said softly before going back to the captain's chair.
That was when I realized how much information he gathered from our bond, even though I still could not feel anything because of the block. Our connection was growing stronger. The captain could practically read my mind now, and often did so during our shared activities. He retrieved my lunch for me before I could, would often finish my sentences when we were in discussion, and sent me to sickbay immediately after Commander Scott accidentally dropped his electrical toolbox on my foot.
If I was emotional, I would have been annoyed with the captain for 'hovering'.
Even so, by body ached slightly every time I noticed him catering to me. I sensed the pain he felt every time he accessed the bond.
Kirk rubbed his temples every time he 'read' me, and he began to look rather haggard by the end of our shift. This was unsatisfactory. So when we left the bridge for the night, I pulled him aside and requested he refrain from using the bond.
Kirk shook his head. 'I have my reasons. Trust me, it will be worth it in the end.'
His hovering went on for six weeks. In that time, he slowly began to teach me the nuances of human behavior that my father could not.
His efforts made a large difference in my interactions. This became apparent to me one night when I met him and Dr. McCoy for dinner.
When I walked into the mess hall, McCoy was complaining to the captain about how Mr. Scott caused a 'bumpy ride' for his patients because of engine problems the day before. As I sat down next to them with my salad, Kirk chided him, saying that the engineer was doing his best to keep the ship running smoothly and that problems were to be expected on any ship.
Although I did not voice it, I wondered why McCoy was complaining. The problems were not Mr. Scott's fault. They were simply caused by wear on the engines.
Of course, the captain read my thoughts. It came easily to him now, and only caused a small twinge of pain to appear on his face.
'He needs to blow off some steam.' Kirk whispered to me when McCoy stood up to retrieve another beverage. 'Sometimes we complain about each other a little just so we can vent our frustrations and get back to work.'
I pondered this idea intently. It was a rather odd tradition, but in a way, it was not very different from meditation. So, in the interest of the the crew's mental health, I formed a plan.
I waited until McCoy returned to us, then asked the doctor, 'Were your patients made uncomfortable by the instability of the ship, or was it your constant complaining that troubled them?'
Kirk snorted in amusement when he heard this. McCoy, however, gaped at me in disbelief for a few moments before exclaiming, 'Why you green-blooded devil. I bet it was you who caused the engine problems, just so I would complain!'
I raised my eyebrow and felt an unusual sense of satisfaction when Jamie burst out laughing.
The doctor, on the other hand, appeared rather disgruntled by the whole conversation.
This was a rather interesting learning experience for me, one that lead to an integration with the crew that I did not have previously.
Because of what people heard me say in the mess hall that night and on subsequent days when the doctor and I were together, I found myself invited to card games and other recreation activities. Crew members asked to sit with me during meals. Many solicited my advice on a wide variety of subjects.
When these interactions began occuring with regular frequency, Kirk was either by my side or he sent one of his trusted advisors, Dr. McCoy and Mr. Scott, to 'teach me about the human condition'. Through this, it became apparent that the captain had excused my behavior toward Mr. Riley as self-defense. He had claimed I saw the lieutenant's behavior as a threat.
So the three of them taught me about casual human conversation. An interesting activity, if not very efficient.
Curiously, I found myself spending much more time with my captain engaged in it.
The time was necessary, as it was only with him that I was able to discuss situations as I saw them: factual events without the confusion brought about by feelings. But through discourse with Kirk, I was able to understand, if not feel, the emotions a human would have during those same situations.
One event that we discussed in great detail was the time the captain needed to rescue me from a group of money-seeking Ferengi.
I encountered this particular group of Ferengi on Starbase 6 while the captain was meeting with Admiral Nogura. Although I attempted to avoid their attention as I ate at the base's vegetarian restaurant, they persisted in demanding to speak with me. Somehow, they had come to the conclusion that I knew where the Enterprise's store of latinum was.
When I told them that the Enterprise had no such wealth, they accused me of telling a blatant falsehood.
Then they used my practical nature against me. While one being engaged me in a conversation concerning the logic of lying, another used a sedative to make it easier to take me back to their ship.
By the time I woke, the Ferengi had laid me out on a bunk, sped away from the starbase and contacted the Enterprise demanding ransom.
It was during my time on their ship that I realized how drastically my life had changed. My enlightening began as I left the bunk and neared the viewscreen at the forward bulkhead.
I found the freedom of movement useful, but I suspected I had it only by accident. In their haste to get me aboard without being noticed, the Ferengi forgot to restrain me. They then compounded their error by allowing me to stay there unsupervised. I used their mistakes to my advantage and moved to a place behind them where it was difficult to see me if they turned around.
It was from this vantage point that I listened to my crew and found myself surprised by what they revealed.
'I will not give you anything.' Kirk was saying as I slipped into my hiding place. 'Starfleet does not respond to threats.'
'Then we will kill him!' The Daimon hissed.
Humans were well-known across the galaxy for their sanctity of life. Although many species in the Federation, including Vulcans, also ascribed to this belief, the Ferengi did not. Their people believed in using any tactic that would give them profit. Therefore, it was logical for them to exploit what they saw as a weakness in the other party.
However, Kirk was correct. Starfleet upheld a policy of not negotiating with those attempting terrorist or blackmailing tactics.
With this in mind, I was prepared to die, for I did not consider myself a candidate for rescue. It would be inefficient for the Enterprise to use its resources to get me back. I knew that another first officer could be found easily. If I could find a way to speak with the captain, perhaps I could recommend Mr. Scott.
But as I pondered this, I began to notice how severely I had miscalculated human emotions.
It first became apparent after the Ferengi's harsh words. As the Daimon threatened my existence, I heard small gasps from the bridge crew.
I found this most curious. My situation evoked distress in my co-workers. This implied an emotional connection to me. The only other persons in whom I had noticed similar reactions were my parents.
Until I noticed Jamie's face on the viewscreen. It took me a mere millisecond to recognize his anger at the Ferengi.
The other emotions appearing on his visage were more unfamiliar.
These expressions occurred when my captors finally noticed me behind them and dragged me in front of the screen. I assumed they were directed at me or my situation.
I saw...worry. Intense worry, the type that often stems from guilt. Then another, softer emotion surfaced on Kirk's face when he asked, 'Have they hurt you?'
'No, Captain,' I said bemusedly. Why was he worried about whether I was harmed? Was I not to be sacrificed for the good of the crew?
'No!' Jamie yelled in response to my questions. He could hear my thoughts. That must mean that they were nearby. So I turned my head to look out the window on the side of the Ferengi ship. There, in shadow underneath the wing, was the port nacelle of the Enterprise.
While the captain spoke, Chekov must have been attempting to neutralize the Ferengi's transporter block, because a minute later I was beamed into Transporter Room 1 of the Enterprise.
Mr. Scott greeted me warmly when I arrived and expressed his satisfaction at having me back. A minute later, the captain burst through the door, out of breath. He appeared to have run directly from the bridge.
Very odd. Why would he run to see me? Had I not shown signs of incompetence by allowing myself to be captured?
As the captain began to speak, I realized this thought had not even crossed his mind.
'Don't you *ever* say anything like that again!' Jamie yelled into my face once he caught his breath. 'I will never sacrifice you willingly! And if for some reason I had no choice, it certainly wouldn't be for something so minor! Those Ferengi were schoolyard bullies. They were no threat to us! I just...They could have hurt or killed you before we had a chance to get you back.'
With that, my captain pulled me into his arms and embraced me tightly.
Oddly enough, I found myself hugging him back. And this time, Jamie's touch did not cause me even one twinge of pain.
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end part 8
