When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone

My eyes weren't open yet but I was awake, and damnit I didn't want to be. Being awake meant dealing with everything that happened yesterday and I was beyond not ready for that. I groaned in an involuntary fashion before rolling over. It was at that point I promptly remembered I was in the guest bedroom, not my own bed, and I hit the hard wood floor on my hands and knees. Son-of-a-bitch, I sighed, felt the fissure in my heart crack a little more and crumpled to the floor.

I had done so well yesterday, why did I have to start this now. My defenses had given up on me and now there was salt water, pouring out of my eyes, across my face, and dripping onto the floor. After a few minutes of self-pity, I became rather angry with myself. I pushed away the tears and took a long and slow breath. My palm came in contact with the floor, making a loud smack that echoed in the small room. Pull yourself together, Cullen. As much as I wanted to do just that, my heart was screaming at me in agony and just couldn't make myself do it. You can't make yourself do something when you have absolutely no will.

I went through my day, motion after motion. I ate though I wasn't hungry, took a shower though I didn't give a shit, watched TV without actually seeing anything, and went to bed at an absurdly early time because that was all I really wanted. Well, it was all I wanted that I was going to be lucky enough to get.

My days continued on in this fashion, monotonous and pointless. The missed phone calls and messages were stacking up and Alice was threatening to send a search party if someone hadn't heard from me by the end of the day. Despite everything, I loved my family and they surely didn't need to see me in this state. I would just call Alice, lie a little about how busy I had been with a book and how great life with Bel…

Well maybe I could leave her out of it.

I finally called Alice. I listened to it ring as I flopped onto the couch and waited for tongue-lashing I was about to get.

"Edward, you live. Where the hell have you been?! I called you 4 days ago and you just now have a chance to let me know you haven't been killed by some small town psychopath? I can't believe the nerve of you! Don't you have anything to say for yourself?" This is why I didn't want to call. I could hear Alice breathing heavily through the phone and I sighed.

"Yes, Alice, I'm alive. I'm sorry I haven't called you before now but I have been so busy. My new book is really coming along and I have barely been able to steel myself from my computer for food, let alone phone calls. I shouldn't have neglected you for this long. I swear, it won't happen again." I tried so hard to sound sincere, chipper, excited about the fake new book, anything but the hollow mess I knew I was. Sadly, my sister knows me better than should be allowed and, therefore, wasn't going to have any of my bullshit.

"Why do you sound dead, Edward? What is really going on? Do I have to come up there and kill someone for you?" Alice tried, she really did, but she just wasn't scary.

I chuckled darkly, "No Alice, there is no one for you to maim, so sorry to disappoint."

I heard her laugh for a second too but then she went right back to the shit I didn't want to think about. "What's going on with you, huh? This isn't like you and you sure don't sound like you."

"Alice, I appreciate your concern, really, but I don't, in any way, want to talk about my shit-hole life right now. I'm just……"

"No, no, no, no," she cut me off. "You will not wallow, sorry. You know that crap doesn't fly with me. Did something happen with Bella?"

There was a quick and sharp inhale from me that gave it all away. "Of course it did. Why didn't I see that before now? Oh Edward, what happened? Things were so wonderful the last time I talked to you."

"I know Alice, I know. I honestly don't know what the hell happened. Everything was great. But now, now it's just a clusterfuck and I don't know what to think." My words came out a little hurried but it felt so good to talk to someone else about this instead of myself.

"Start at the beginning. Last thing I heard was that you all were having dinner and you thought it was time to tell her how you felt." Alice's voice soothed and I felt myself relax slightly. What would I do without Alice?

"That was the plan alright. I did, I told her I loved her, because I do, like nothing else in this world. She said she loved me too, and everything was just how it should have been. We confessed, we showed, and it was amazing, like nothing I have ever known, Alice. I woke up in the morning with a ridiculous smile on my face, so happy with where things were going and she was just…gone. I waited for her, searched for a note, and nothing. Finally, I called Charlie because she wasn't answering her phone and he told me she was gone. Wouldn't say where or how long and I hung before I had to listen to anything else. She just left, Alice! I don't know why, what could have possibly happened. I watched her all that night, for any sign that it wasn't what she wanted or really felt, because I know the past she has. But she was right there with me the whole time. I knew that what I saw in her she was seeing in me and it was right."

I knew I was rambling but I couldn't really stop once I had gotten started. I looked down and saw my hand was shaking, my chest was heaving, and I felt suddenly overwhelmed. Until now it had just been sadness, all-consuming sadness. But now, there were strong emotions coming from every direction and I didn't know how to feel.

"Well, from what you are saying, I'm confused too. I don't know why she would have just disappeared like that if she was okay before-hand. Unless maybe it all became too much for her, like she wasn't sure about how she felt. That's no reason to run off though. I'm so sorry Edward. I know it has to be hard on you. Look, if I move some stuff I can catch a flight up there. Do you want some company?"

"No, but thank you. I just want some time to figure this out on my own. I won't be able to sort through anything if someone else is around. I appreciate it though, really. I'm sorry it took so long to call, I just didn't want to admit out loud that this is what was going on." It felt a little good to lay everything out like that, and for someone else to know the war I was waging with myself about how pathetic I was being.

"Okay, but if you decide you need me, just call. I have to go, work crap. Keep me posted though. I would like to know what she has to say for herself, hurting my brother like this. Maybe I don't want to meet her." Alice huffed and I couldn't help but smile a little.

"Alright, alright. Thanks for talking, it helped. I'll talk to you soon. Bye, Alice."

"Bye, Edward."

I shut my phone, dropping it onto the cushions beside me. Looking around at the mess in my living room, I scrubbed my face with my hands and heaved myself off of the couch. I went to my stereo for a dose of my favorite drug. I don't know why I hadn't been listening to music because it was where I always turned when something happened, good or bad. Music helped me identify, deal, and move on, which I could desperately use right now. My IPod usually knew what I needed, even when I didn't, so I put it on shuffle and began cleaning up.

As I folded blankets and took dishes to the kitchen, I thought hard about the song coming from my speakers. I finally figured out where I was, what I was feeling, thanks to a musical shove in the right direction. Like I said, it knew what I needed.

I grasped the angry lyrics, beats, and chords, identifying and relishing it in. I started to sing along and before I knew it, the rooms of my house were filled with the generally pissed off feeling that was pouring out of me like a waterfall now.

I mean, what the hell was her problem anyways? I hadn't done a damn thing wrong with her. I held back, made sure she was okay, listened. I had done it all, just the way she wanted. All I got back was a cut and run without any kind of explanation. I felt a little used and a lot betrayed. Alice was right, and in the words of Ricky Ricardo, Bella had a lot of explaining to do. Damn her, for everything. I fell into her trap, in love, and was now royally screwed. No one wants to be left bleeding on their own, but I certainly wasn't going to stay down on the floor, waiting for her.

After I cleaned the kitchen and living room, I went upstairs to take a very hot shower and got dressed. In a very melodramatic fashion, I stared down my bed and vowed to sleep in it tonight. I grabbed my keys off the dresser, flew down the stairs, and went for a drive. There is nothing like speeding to intensify and get rid of the angst.

You take the breath right out of me.
You left a hole where my heart should be.
You got to fight just to make it through,
'cause I will be the death of you.
This will be all over soon.
Pour salt into the open wound.
Is it over yet? Let me in.
So sacrifice yourself, and let me have what's left.
I know that I can find the fire in your eyes.
I'm going all the way, get away, please.

*********************************************************************

BPOV

The first night at Jacob's I didn't dream. I may as well have though, the crazy images my brain conjured up before I actually went to sleep. Edward was there, before me, adoring me with his hands and eyes, so full of love that I could barely stand to look at him. Slowly but surely his beautiful face and form would morph into the evil of Mike, fucking his bitch secretary. It ran through my head on repeat and I couldn't make it stop. It was the worst nightmare possible and it was just there, taunting me, reminding me of how stupid I had been to trust anyone, ever again after Mike. When sleep finally came, my mind was thankfully blank.

I woke up the next day with the distinct feeling that I had been asleep for entirely too long. I stretched my arms above my head and realized how stiff I was. I was in the car for so long yesterday and I was so drained emotionally that I had basically died when I went to sleep. I laid there for a moment, remembering the horrible images from the night before and I wanted to cry. My emotions were bubbling up from my chest and threatening to spill out through my eyes. I sighed and sat up.

My eyes lifted to the door of Jacob's room and there was Jacob, looking at me with a worried gaze. "Hey, I thought I heard you moving around in here. How are you feeling?" His voice was soft and concerned.

A sad smile worked itself into my features as I looked around the room, anywhere but his eyes. He meant well, but that slight tinge of pity in his eyes made me want to scream. I got myself into it this time. "I'm alive. What time is it?"

A huge grin spread across his face. "Well, really it's a good thing you woke up now, because I was just about to call the cops, thought you might have died in your sleep. It's two. You slept for about 15 hours, Bells. I didn't know you still had it in you!"

I had to laugh a little at his comments. "Damn, I didn't either. I don't think I've slept like that since high school. That would explain why I feel like the tin man though. Everything hurts." I yawned and rolled my head around a few times, trying to loosen up my neck.

"You hungry?" he asked.

"Starved. Do you actually have food in this place or am I going to be the fast food queen while I'm here?" It was so easy to be normal with him. I didn't want to think about anything else so I just focused on his happy face.

"Bells," he shook his head. "You underestimate me. How does eggs and bacon sound? Maybe a little O.J.?"

"Sounds flipping brilliant. I am so proud Jake, cooking real meals. What's next, Martha Stewart curtains?" I kept up the teasing, loving the distraction and comfort it offered.

"Yeah yeah Bells, laugh it up. Just remember I'm the one cooking, so maybe you should shut it before I spit in your eggs." Jake offered me his hand and dragged me off the bed. He hugged me tightly and I sighed into his chest. "Go take a shower, you'll feel better. You can eat when you get done."

"Okay, thanks Jake." He turned to go to the kitchen and I rummaged through my bag. I grabbed my toiletries and clean clothes before locking myself in the bathroom. I turned slowly from the door to look at myself in the mirror and was met with a Bella I hadn't seen in quite a while. My eyes were puffy and lined with red. I had cried in my sleep, how pathetic. I guess I did dream, I just don't remember them, which is probably for the best. My hair was a knotted mess, half out of its ponytail, and my clothes were rumpled since I hadn't bothered to change.

I showered and put my hair up, brushed my teeth and dressed, and emerged from the bathroom in a small cloud of steam, left over from a very hot shower. My muscles felt incredibly relaxed now.

I walked towards the smell of bacon and found Jacob whistling quietly to himself and putting my breakfast on a plate.

"It smells wonderful Jake, thanks," I said, taking the plate from him.

"Not a problem, Bells. Just sit at the counter there. I'm going to clean up."

I watched him move through the tiny kitchen, washing dishes and wiping down the counters. It was so strange to watch him like this. Strange, but really nice to see how great he was doing on his own.

After I ate, Jacob put away my dishes and turned to me, hands on the counter and leaning towards me.

"So Bells, you avoided me last night and I let you sleep. Why are you here?" Jacob's eyes were serious and boring into me. I felt hugely uncomfortable.

"Wow, getting right down to the point," I tried to joke. He was still giving me the serious stare. "Jacob, I don't want to talk about it. I really don't. Can't you just distract me for a while?" I was pleading with him, my voice sounding slightly childish.

He stared at me for a few more moments before sighing, closing his eyes, and shaking his head. "For now, I'm going to humor you. But this shit won't fly with me for long, Bella. You will talk to me about whatever it is that made you run here." His gaze was back on me and was more intense than before. "Got it?"

I sighed heavily and nodded, though I was dreading the impending conversation. I'm not sure anyone would understand what I had done, so why would I want to tell him? "Okay, Jake. Okay. Can we just do something else now. I just can't think about it right now."

"Sure. What sounds like Bella's idea of the most awesome day ever?" His grin was huge, teeth flashing at me. Who could resist that smile?

"Really, I just want to hang out with you. We can watch movies and eat popcorn and ice cream." Jacob's eyes were skeptical as I spoke. "Please?" My smile was way over the top, total cheese. But it was working oh so nicely.

"Fine," he conceded, eyes rolling. "No sappy chick flicks though. I might have to shoot myself."

I laughed with him and shook my head. "I'm thinking….blood and guts, a good scare. Sound good?"

Jacob gladly obliged and we spent the whole day on the couch, making fun of the stupid horror films and mindless action movies. The next day we went out to the beach, walking around. He told me about school, his part time job, and the new friends he was making. It was great! No mention of my life, or how I'd run scared from Edward. I thought I might just get off the hook.

Sadly, I was very wrong. After dinner, Jacob and I were staring mindlessly at the television, my mind was lost in dream land when I realized the TV had been turned off and Jacob was staring at me with a worried expression.

"What? Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Bella, I've let you skip around the issue for two days, even though I saw how dead you were when you got here the other night. What the hell is going on, Bells? I can't take seeing that absent stare anymore." Jacob looked like he was in pain as he pleaded for my confession. I couldn't avoid it anymore.

"I was running," I began quietly, my eyes locked on my lap. "I am so scared Jake, I just can't handle it. I can't trust him because he'll just do what Mike did. I am not special enough to hold his attention forever. I'm just the small town diner girl, plain and simple. Something more interesting and beautiful will capture his attention eventually. Why put myself through that again? I was stupid to start this whole thing anyways. It was never going to be anything different. I've just been delusional, thinking that things with him would ever work out."

When I finally dragged my line of sight up to match Jacob's, I was taken aback. His eyes were furious and I couldn't help but lean away from him a little bit.

"Bella Swan, you're lucky you're a girl! I would have slapped you otherwise. Are you insane? Even my stupid ass saw how he looked at you when I was there! That man loves you; sees no one but you. Mike was never like that, sorry to say. I think you need to go beg for forgiveness at this point. I would be so pissed right now if I were him. How did you leave things? Does he at least know where you are?" Jake's voice was loud and threatening. If I didn't know him as well as I did, I would have been scared.

"No he doesn't know where I am." I was staring at my lap again, picking a thread on my jeans. It was easier to admit my mistake if I could pretend Jacob wasn't there. "We had dinner at his house the night before I came here. Everything was fine, great actually. He told me he loved me. Hearing him say that made me admit the feelings I was ignoring. We….we made love, and it was like nothing I have ever experienced." Tears were running down my face now and Jacob's large form was blurry when I looked up at him. "Jake, I was so happy when I woke up. I was smiling so hard."

I started shaking as everything crashed down on me and Jacob pulled me into his lap, running a soothing hand over my hair.

"Bells, I know you are scared. I get it. But he loves you so much. He and I talked that day in the car, and love poured out of him with every word he spoke, adoration for you. You gotta fix this. He's everything you need. I can see that even if you can't."

My thoughts were going a mile a minute with the things he had said to me. I thought back to how Edward's eyes followed my movements, the look in his eyes when he said he loved me. I remembered how careful he was with every touch and caress. I had been blind all of this time. The care in every movement and look were things I had never seen with Mike, nothing close. Of course Jacob was right. I was stupid.

I calmed enough to speak finally and looked up at Jacob. "You're so right Jake." I wiped my eyes frantically, harshly, and shot off of his lap. He followed behind me as I ran to his room and started throwing my things into my bag.

"Bella, I am glad you see the light, but its ten o'clock at night. I can't let you make that long of a drive back without sleep. You'll fall asleep and get hurt. Charlie would have my head if he found out that I let you do that. You can stay one more night, get a good night's rest, and leave first thing in the morning." Jacob looked serious, almost like my father, as I watched him out of the corner of my eye. Also, just like with my father, I wasn't going to listen.

"Jacob," I began, zipping up my bag. "I am going, now. I won't be able to sleep now anyway. He's probably so mad at me and I can't let it go any longer. He has to know that I love him and that I am so sorry, that I can't live without him." I smiled at my own revelation as I stood before Jacob, bag in hand.

His head was shaking though. He still didn't want me to leave. Well, that was just too damn bad!

"Move, Jake, I'm going whether you want me to or not." I pushed past him and went straight for the door. His hand landed on top of mine on the door and I turned to look at him. He looked a little scared.

"You promise me that you will stop if you get too tired, call me when you need me. I don't care if you wake me up. And you let me know when you get there. Okay?" He was serious and in control, and I just couldn't find my voice. I nodded at him and he released my hand, allowing me to open the door.

At the door of my truck, I turned to thank him. "Jacob, I love you. You're the best friend I never could have dreamed of. Thank you for opening my eyes, and for dealing with my stupidity."

His huge grin was back and I threw my arms around his neck. "Go back to loverboy. I'm sure he's going crazy without you."

I hopped in my truck, turning on my oldies, and started my long journey back. I knew I wouldn't need to stop or call because I was bursting with excitement at the prospect of my life to come, the one with Edward. I just had to get him back. I spent the drive singing my heart out and coming up with a plan to grovel. Here's hopin'!

You and your ways
Capture what I've misplaced
In the perfect fashion
Just watch my heart's reaction
This point of view
Is nothing that I'm used to, but I
Won't close my eyes
'Cause they're on to you
And all this time,
It was staring me blind
I can't believe I never noticed my heart before