I'm
coming home, I'm coming home
Did you take off while I was
gone?
I missed it all, I messed you up, I missed you
I'm
coming home, I wanna know
When all the leaves begin to fall
If
I'm falling, falling apart for you
Descending, I'm
spinning
Lost all defense
How could you swallow me again?
I
left you, I meant to
Couldn't let you in
Never mind a single
word I said
BPOV
About an hour outside of Forks the happiness and excitement began drowning in a sea of worry. How was I going to do this? He'd be out of his damn mind to welcome me back with open arms after I ditched him like that. I hadn't meant to cause him pain, I just freaked. It still wasn't right, what I had done.
I absent-mindedly started chewing on my nails, trying to figure out a game plan. I was going straight to his house, that's for sure. I couldn't care less how much of a mess I looked. I needed to do this as soon as possible. I couldn't waste another second of his time, making him think I just didn't care about him. After everything he had done for me, damn I was stupid.
Everything I thought of sounded stupid, unbelievable, or just plain pathetic. Not pathetic in a way that would make him take me back either. No, it was more like he would laugh his ass off and slam the door in my face. Shit.
I pulled up in front of his house and shut off the engine. I looked at the vast home, smiling to myself of all the happy memories it held and the person it held, the love of my life. I sighed heavily, ran my hands over my face a couple of times, and swung the door open to my truck. The awful creak of the metal scared me and I was startled when I realized it was raining. I had been so out of it that I didn't really register anything around me.
I slammed the door to the truck and when I turned towards the house I stopped, my breath catching. Edward was there at the top of the porch steps with an unreadable expression on his face. That could be good or bad. He confessed his love to me less than a week ago, so surely he wasn't over me already. What had I done? He looked so blank and it hurt me more than I can say.
I walked forward, not caring that I was getting drenched, and looked up at him from the bottom of the stairs. "Edward, I..."
****************************************
EPOV
Woke up and
wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay
motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
and let
the world spin madly on
I woke up at a decent hour for the first time in days. I was back in my bed last night, which felt good physically but made my heart ache dully. Bella's body draped over mine flashed before my eyes and I flinched unconsciously. Time to get up because there was no sense in torturing myself.
The world had moved on without me these last few days and it was time to rejoin the masses.
I decided to actually be productive today. Keeping yourself busy in situations like this was the key to survival. I mowed the lawn since it had been dry lately, pulled weeds. It was nice to do mundane tasks. My mind was focused, not straying to the rough waters I was trying so desperately not to get sucked into again.
I went inside to shower, having worked up a good sweat in the yard. My tense muscles relaxed under the hot stream and I considered what to do for lunch. I actually wanted to eat today, imagine that. As I was pulling on my jeans, I heard the rumble of a rough engine outside of my house. What the hell was that? I live in the middle of nowhere so it's not like someone could just be passing by. I guess Alice could have come anyway, but that car was really loud. No rental would sound that pathetic.
I moved to go down the stairs, pulling on a shirt as I went, and the engine noise died. Now I was really curious. As my foot hit the bottom step, I heard a familiar rusty creak and I froze. I hadn't realized it before for whatever reason, numb brain I guess, but that just had to be her. It had to be Bella. My heart gave a loud thump in my chest as it picked up a wild pace. Could it really be her? Did I want it to be her?
I flung open the front door to see that it had started to rain as Bella closed the door to her truck. She stopped when she saw me at the top of the steps, before moving towards me. We stood staring at one another for a few moments. She looked scared but hopeful. Without a mirror I couldn't tell you what I looked like. My emotions were battling between angry and surprised and I don't know what won out. I wasn't sure what to do so I just waited for her to talk.
Bella's voice finally broke through the repetitive sound of the rain hitting the ground and roof.
"Edward, I...I don't know how to start, where to start." Her eyes moved to the ground as she took a deep and shaky breath. I waited, rooted to the spot, speechless with her sudden appearance. Finally she looked back up at me before continuing.
"I'm so sorry for disappearing like that. I don't know what I could possibly say or do to make up for my mistake. You deserve more, so much more."
Bella's eyes closed for a second and tears joined the rain that was streaking down her face.
"God I didn't want to be like this!" Her voice was angry and her hands started flailing as she continued to explain herself. "I ran because I was scared. I should have told you I needed some time, you would have understood, I know. But I wasn't thinking straight. My mind was making up horrible things and I had convinced myself that you weren't ever going to love me enough to stick around. Something new and shiny would catch your attention and I just wouldn't be good enough anymore." She was shaking her head by now and her words were coming as fast as she could speak, but she was breaking my heart even more as she stood there.
How could she have believed I would be like Mike? Hadn't I done everything she wanted? I felt my own anger taking control as she continued.
"I can't believe I ever thought that about you of all people. I knew better. You are so much more than I deserve and my mind was trying to convince my heart of that. I am so sorry that I hurt you when you have done nothing but be perfect. I almost slapped myself with realization when I figured out stupid I was being. I just...."
Bella's voice trailed off as I turned my back on her. I had heard enough and I was shaking with anger. I know she has issues, but this was just wrong. Her reasoning wasn't enough to console me, take away the damage she had done to me. I shut my front door in one calm motion, betraying what my body really wanted to do. I stood there for a moment, thinking over her words and becoming more enraged by the second.
I allowed the pain to consume me and I turned and beat my fists against the large wooden door. I slowed when my hands began to ache and a tearless sob wracked my body. Pushing violently against the door, I stumbled back to the stairs and collapsed there. My hands were buried in my hair and I just sat.
I could feel the numbness taking over again and I'm not sure how long I sat there. I never heard the sound of Bella's truck door, or the engine bellowing in protest of starting. That meant she was still out there in the rain and I couldn't just let her stand outside.
Shaking my head at my own actions, I heaved myself up off of the steps and opened the door slowly. Bella's position mirrored my own previous one as she sat perched on the bottom steps of my porch. Her shoulders were shaking though and I heard a muffled cry come from her. My spirits crumpled a little more and then I mentally kicked myself for having pity on her.
I walked up behind her quietly and placed a hand on her shoulder. Bella jumped slightly and her head shot around to look at me. The beautiful brown of her eyes was muddled and outlined with red. I hated seeing her like this, even if it was her own fault.
I pulled my hand back before I let my guard down any further. "Come inside," I instructed in a disconnected voice. "You'll get sick if you stay out here."
Bella's hands rubbed furiously at her eyes for a moment as she scrambled to get up and follow me into the house. I went straight up the stairs and she followed me silently.
I lead her through my bedroom and into the master bath, grabbing a towel on the way. Going into my closet, I took out shorts and a shirt. I returned to Bella, who was wearing a confused look, and gave her the items before finally breaking the silence.
"Dry off and change," I instructed. "We can put your clothes in the dryer when you're done. I'll be downstairs." I left the bathroom, not waiting for her to respond, and kept an empty expression on my face. I may have felt bad and let her in but I was still pissed at her.
I sat down in my kitchen waiting for her in the spot I had once wanted to be with her all of the time; the island. Bella moved around silently upstairs which allowed me some uninterrupted time to think. I needed to gather my thoughts before I could speak to her and it all come across the right way. I had been quiet about everything until now, reigning myself in. I had let Bella have her say, explain herself, and now it was my turn. She needed to know what she had done to me, how angry I was.
The shock and overall calm I was parading was wearing off quickly now and my blood began boiling just under the surface of my skin. I heard the soft thuds as she came down the stairs and the shuffling of her feet across the hardwood floor when she approached the kitchen.
Bella sat opposite of me, her long hair hung limply around her face and her eyes were dull. Noticing that her fire was gone only made me angrier. She had killed both of us and for what? All because it had been easier to run. I shook my head slightly at my thoughts as I gathered my hands in front of me.
I studied my hands for a moment. "Bella," my voice was low and I could hear the fury seeping into my tone. I took another moment to breathe because I didn't want to yell and scare her. She needed to hear what I was going to tell her, not block me out because I was overbearing.
"You left without so much as a damn word. I looked for a note, waited for a phone call, anything really. You ignored my phone calls and your father had to finally be the one to tell me that you took off. God, you should have heard the pity in that man's voice when he broke the news to me. It made me feel so pathetic." My voice was louder now and I was leaning over the table towards her. The look of a scared child was entering her eyes, which I didn't want, so I leaned away from her slowly.
I sat for a minute just looking at her and I felt my anger deflate by a fraction. My brow creased and I suddenly became sad and tired. My voice cracked as I began talking again.
"I told you I loved you and you said it back. It all went so much better than I thought it would." I got lost in my thoughts of that perfect night. My anger broke through the daydream though and I continued. "Then you were gone. You ripped my damn heart out, ran away with it, and left a mess behind you. I'm not going to lie to you, Bella, I was a complete wreck. The house turned into a dump and I looked like hell. Then, I got angry. This was entirely your fault and I really had no reason to feel bad. So I can't just say 'Okay, I forgive you' and everything be alright. It's just not that easy." I was worked up from my speech so I breathed in deep and tried to calm myself.
I went back to watching her, studying just how much of a mess she was. Even with the bloodshot eyes and wet and limp hair, she was the most beautiful thing in my world. In that instant, I wanted to reach out and brush her cheek with my fingers, make her blush, but it would have ruined everything I had just said.
"I can say I'm sorry a thousand times a day for the rest of forever and it wouldn't be enough. But it's all I've got." Suddenly, Bella's fire was back and it wasn't angry like my own. It was determination that shone from her eyes.
"I will do everything I can to help you trust me again. I don't care how long it takes. I know that I ran like a scared little girl. Thank God for Jake because he talked some sense into me. Somewhere in my head though, I've known all along you were it for me. Everything I needed to save me and everything I never knew I wanted; it's all held in you. Please, Edward, just let me try."
Bella's eyes were pleading with me and though I had heard every word she said, I felt myself cloud over a little at the mention of Jacob's name. So she ran away from me and straight to him. I was, apparently, not as okay with Jacob as I had previously thought because jealousy was now surging through my veins in time with the anger. This was not something I needed to bring up though, especially if I wanted us to work this out. I did too; want us to work, so very badly.
"I'm willing to try Bella," I began. "But it won't be easy to go back to where we were. I have to be sure you aren't going to run off again; I have to be able to trust you again. I want it to work, Bella, but we'll just take it slow, one day at a time.
She bowed her head for a second before looking back up at me with a small smile.
"Thank you, Edward. I know that is more than I deserve after I hurt you." Bella smiled for a little longer before I couldn't fight it anymore and returned it with a slight curve of my lips.
"So," Bella spoke, "where do we go from here?"
"I think that we said what we needed to and that should be it for now," I sighed heavily. Her eyes looked sad when I said it but she nodded her head in understanding.
"Just keep my clothes—they look good on you anyways." I gave her a smile while I teased her to reassure her that we were going to move on. I just needed time to think, without her eyes captivating mine, calling to my heart, and confusing the hell out of me.
Bella grabbed her soaked clothes, slipped on her flip-flops, and I walked her to the door silently. She turned to look at me, and she was so beautiful. It hit me then just how much I had missed seeing her face every day.
"I'm glad you came back, Bella. I was lost without you."
Her smile was huge in response to my words. Her perfect lips were calling to me; I hadn't kissed her in what seemed like forever. I kept myself at bay though. Affection like that would have to wait until my head had stopped swimming. Instead, I pulled her tightly to my chest, hugging her body in the most amazing way. I dropped a soft kiss on top of her head before letting her go and stepping back a little.
Bella gazed up at me, looking like she wanted more but knew better than to push it. She finally opened the door and left silently. There wasn't anything else for either one of us to say and that was alright. We knew it would get better eventually. I watched as she drove away, closing the door when I couldn't see her truck anymore. My thoughts raced as I sat on my back porch and watched the rain, IPod jammed in my ears.
I listened to the song she had played our last night together, realizing just how much I related to the words, so much more now than before.
You're
inches from my fingertips,
I've come as close as I can get,
I'm
reaching but the rest is up to you
I suddenly felt a soft touch on my shoulder, and the electricity shocked me through my shirt. I turned quickly in my chair meeting the chocolate pools I could spend my life falling into.
"Bella, what are you…?"
**************************************************************
A/N: Hahaha! I totally accomplished a teaser! Sorry this was so short compared to the last few, it needed to end here though. I hope you are happy, Yay! She's back! Silly Bella. Anywho, I want to say thank you to SleepMyBella for her wonderful words and Pualuoma for being my most constant reviewer! You girls make me so happy! I have had a lot of people recently review or add my story to their alerts, WELCOME! I am so glad you are all enjoying the story!
Also, thanks to my BF for helping me sort this shit out….Love ya Melis!
Any ideas for what Bella is up to??? And what are you all thinking of the music choices?!?!
Songs for this chapter are "Homecoming" by Hey Monday, "World Spins Madly On" by The Weepies, and "Reaching" by Jason Reeves.
