----------

After my kidnapping, Jamie began to spend as much personal time with me as possible. His continued hovering bordered on intrusive. When I asked Dr. McCoy why the captain was acting this way, the doctor replied, 'You scared the living daylights out of him when you were captured by the Ferengi. He could have lost a good friend that day. That takes some time to get over.'

After watching Kirk more thoroughly, I found that McCoy was partially correct. I could see fear on Jamie's face when he was near me. But his actions, such as encouraging me into activities and making sure I was never alone for an extended period of time, did not seem to stem from the type of fear the doctor suggested. I instead began to believe that because I had offered my life to him while on the Ferengi ship, the captain now feared that I might one day kill myself.

I could feel the tenseness return to my body when I considered the distress I was causing him. So the next day, I attempted to 'face the issue head on', as Dr. McCoy would say.

'I did not want to die on the Ferengi ship.' I said softly as we sat down to dinner in the mess hall. 'Nor do I wish my existence to cease now. You do not need to fear that I am a danger to myself.'

Jamie looked at me with a sad smile. 'I know.'

'Then I do not understand. Why did my thoughts about death aboard the Ferengi ship disturb you?'

The captain sighed and wrung his hands. I knew he could feel my need for an answer, but he seemed hesitant to give me one. Finally, after a long moment, he did. 'I'm not worried about you wanting to die. I'm worried about...the way you believe I handle command.'

His tone suggested that I had offended him in some way. Odd.

I began to eat to give myself time to ponder his statement. I started with what I knew about our views concerning life and death, for although the captain had denied a fear of me taking my life, I knew that his comment somehow centered around the subject.

Kirk had a habit of being troubled by my casual regard for life, even though he knew my opinion was the result of my lack of emotion. Althought my attitude was beginning to change as I connected to my crewmates, I still had difficulty understanding why he and other humans considered each life so precious.

But Jamie knew this and accepted my point of view. So he would often stifle his expressions during discussions about life and death as a way of showing his understanding. We 'agreed to disagree' on this particular subject. Therefore, I could not comprehend why he was so upset now.

I had only held up my life for forfeit in case Jamie needed it for the well-being of the ship...

In case *he* needed.

He said his concern centered about what I believed his thoughts had been. I closed my eyes and remembered. After a few moments, I realized what was worrying him.

I shook my head, denying his conclusion. 'I did not make the offer because I believed you wanted it. I simply thought it was the most efficient course of action.

'Nothing in your words or deeds has made me think that my death would please you. In fact, you regard me as if I'm superior to the rest of the crew. Truly, you single me out in a way some would consider unseemly.'

'I don't think I've done anything that would get me into trouble...yet.' Jamie said enigmatically as the tension in his body dissapated. So he knew of the dangers imminent in his actions. However, his words and expression implied that he was in no hurry to change his behavior.

I frowned, wondering why he did not seem worried. 'Were you planning to act inappropriately?'

The captain laughed softly. 'Let's not discuss this here. Why don't we meet for a game of chess in my room after we finish our work?'

Then, as we ate, he steered our conversation to crew evaluations.

Two hours later, I walked through our bathroom to find the captain at the chess board, twirling one of the pieces distractedly. I paused in the doorway, waiting for him to look up.

As I watched, I wished that I could read his mind. He often had me at a disadvantage because he could acquire my thoughts easily through the bond.

Jamie looked up, having heard them once again. 'I know it's unfair. I'm trying to correct that. All this...' He waved his hand expansively. 'Interacting and discussing how people react is my way of trying to get you ready for when the block is gone.'

He put the piece on the board and invited me to sit in the chair across from him. 'But lately I've been wondering if taking that block away is the right thing to do.'

'What is under debate?' I asked as I sat down, perplexed. Was the block not hindering my personal development? Why would Jamie not want to remove it?

'I don't know if you want me around for the rest of your life.' Kirk made the first move on the chessboard automatically. 'Your emotions haven't come back enough for me to tell.'

'What emotions?' I stared at the piece I was about to move as I searched my mind. I had not felt the fierce waves of anger or upset that Surak had warned my people about. I felt the same as I always had, disconnected and emotionless.

Kirk chuckled and shook his head. 'Sarek warned me about this part. He told me you wouldn't be able to perceive your own feelings. He'll be glad to know he was right about something.'

'I am not emotional,' I insisted as I felt a tightening in my chest. It made my voice come out as a low rumble similar to a sehlat's.

'Oh, really?' the captain asked calmly. 'Then why are you growling at me?'

I blinked. 'Because my body is tense.'

'And why is that?' Jamie was whispering now, a cue he had used over the past weeks to remind me to look at myself as well as those around me when I analyzed a situation.

So I looked within and found an answer. 'Because it is not proper that I am emotional.'

Jamie nodded pensively. 'Given where you come from, that's understandable. But you have been showing emotions, in Vulcan form, of course. And look how much good it's done.'

'Good?' I could not see any advantage to these uncontrollable responses.

'The crew isn't interested in you just because you know how to needle Bones. Anyone can do that, in the right situation. Or the wrong one, actually,' Jamie laughed. 'It's because they like what they're beginning to see under that neutral exterior of yours.'

'But I do not feel different,' I argued. I was not comfortable admitting that I was changing so drastically. Would this not make me an outcast among my people?

'I know it's frightening,' Jamie said softly. 'But I'll help you get used to the feelings. I'm not going to abandon you this time. I don't care what your father says.'

I stared at him, puzzled by his words. Why did he believe I felt fear? And what concerned my father about our relationship?

Jamie smiled and shook his head. 'Neither of us will get our answers today. You're not ready for them yet. Let's play. And why don't you tell me about that instrument you're teaching Nyota?'

So I told him about Lieutenant Uhura's lessons on the lytherette as we played chess.

But I did not forget the captain's search for knowledge about what I wished for the future. For part of me believed it corresponded with his cryptic tales of the emotions I now supposedly had.

But I did not get an explanation for many months. In all, it took half a year for us to get the answers we sought.

By that time, I had integrated with the crew more completely than I had ever thought possible. In addition, I started to understand that the captain was right about my physical responses. They were emotions. It seemed that my mind, not having processed feelings correctly for decades, chose physiological expression as its outlet, while leaving my thoughts rather unaffected.

So each night, I spent some of my meditation time analyzing my behavior and attempting to decipher which emotions I had felt during the day. I found that I experienced many nuanced feelings in the months since Jamie's proclamation. They were not as strong as the emotions of those around me, but they were most definitely within me.

One side effect of my new awareness was that I needed to feed my hunger less. It did not disappear, but within the six months Captain Kirk was aboard, it reduced drastically. I needed two victims in addition to Lieutenant Riley, whereas in the year before, I had taken twelve.

And in that endeavor, as promised, Jamie aided me.

The first time my need overtook me after his warning, I illogically tried to hide it from him. I tried meditating to ease my distress, as I did not want to disappoint him by taking someone aboard the ship.

But I made the mistake of missing our scheduled breakfast together the morning after I started the struggle with myself. This, of course, alerted Jamie. As one would expect, he searched my mind for the reason for my absence.

At 0800, the captain slipped through the bathroom, using his lock override to get into my cabin.

'Didn't I tell you to inform me when this came up?' he whispered in my ear as I knelt at my meditation candle. 'This would be easier to handle if I had some warning.'

I opened my eyes and turned to look at him. 'I did not wish to compromise your position.'

Kirk sighed. 'By the way you're acting, you seem to believe your position means nothing. Oh, don't give me that look.' He waved a finger at me. 'I can tell you actually *like* being first officer.'

'But the captain is infinitely more important to the functioning of the ship.'

'Not if he's buried in paperwork.' Kirk chuckled. 'I know you do half of mine as well as your own. And that's probably the smallest of the reasons I need you here, Spock. The others, well, I don't think you're ready to hear them yet.' I had expected this last sentence, as he had been telling me for the last two months that there were some truths that would be disconcerting to me until I could understand and process emotions well.

But my new skills did not negate my hunger. Nothing would. 'You cannot do anything for me,' I tried again.

'You're wrong again, Mr. Spock,' Kirk replied with a gentle smile. 'We'll find what you need at...' He checked the PADD in his hand. 'Starbase 3. We should be there in a few hours.'

I raised my eyebrow. What had he planned in order to give me what I needed?

Kirk sighed and patted my shoulder. 'Trust me, okay?'

I nodded. Since he had come aboard the ship, I had been trusting him instinctively. Now that I was conscious of it, I saw no reason to stop. 'I will stay here until we reach the starbase.' I would be safe and would not put the crew in danger while locked in my quarters.

'Okay. I'll be in my room if you need me.' Jamie turned around and started to walk toward the bathroom. But he stopped when he heard my thoughts.

I tried to keep my musings to myself, but because of the way my father had blocked my memories and hence part of the bond, I could not even use the instinctive shielding that I used to keep out those who touched me.

So he heard me when I discovered that part of me wished for him to satisfy my hunger.

'Why, Spock?' Jamie whispered. He sounded shocked, but I could also hear the interest in his voice.

His curiosity intrigued me. However, I could not satisfy it at this time. 'I do not know.'

The captain sighed and nodded with a disappointed expression. 'When you can tell me why, I will consider it.'

Startled by his easy acquiescence, even though it wouldn't happen until a later date, I protested. 'I would not see you hurt. I can be most violent.'

Jamie shrugged. 'But if it's something I can provide you, I will. I just need to know why first. I don't want to do it for the wrong reasons.'

Although I wished to ask what those reasons were, I could tell that he would not be willing to answer me at this time. So, I nodded hesitantly as he headed back to his room.

And I waited for him to show me his solution to my problem.

Jamie's plan was unique, something I would not have considered myself. He found a volunteer to feed my hunger. A Deltan female.

She was an asthetically attractive woman who held herself rather stiffly as we met her in private quarters on Starbase 3. Her eyes, however, were what humans call 'kind'. They revealed her empathy towards others.

In this way, she reminded me of the photographs I've seen of T'Pol, the Vulcan who served aboard the second spaceship named Enterprise.

Jamie introduced the Deltan then told me softly, 'Kalia assured me that she wants to help you and that she can handle anything you dish out.'

'I have aided other people in similar conditions.' Kalia turned to me with precise formality. My new understanding of emotions lead me to the conclusion that she did this to make me feel more comfortable. 'Yours is a rare reaction to trauma, but it is not unheard of. The length of time it has been allowed to continue untreated, however, is cause for concern.'

'That's his father's fault,' the captain said in a bitter tone. 'He kept me away from Spock for too long.'

The Deltan faced Kirk. 'From what you and Sarek have told me, you've made excellent progress in helping him heal. Do not be discouraged. It may take decades for him to make as much progress as you desire.'

After they talked for a few more minutes, I 'poked' the captain to get his attention. I knew that any strong thought I had was amplified through the bond. So I 'shouted' in my mind. Was I not here to be helped?! Did I not need to feed my need before it took me over completely?! I did not like the fact that I was being ignored by this female and my captain.

Jamie winced, as I was rather forceful. 'Sorry. You're right. We got a little carried away. But Kalia's been our consultant since about a month after I came aboard the Enterprise.'

'*Our* consultant?' I raised my eyebrow.

'Yeah, I made your father hire her. I knew I needed advice on how to get through to you almost from the minute I walked onto the ship. So Sarek found Kalia. She has helped a great deal.' Jamie looked at me sheepishly. 'I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I didn't want you to be embarrassed. And I---wasn't exactly comfortable with needing help.'

Kalia turned back to me. 'Your captain was also very protective of you. I did not know who you were until you walked through the door. All communication went through Sarek, who lead me to believe you were a statesman working for the High Council.'

Interesting. This was not the first time I had found the captain guarding me, but I still did not understand why he took these actions.

'I couldn't have the wrong people finding out. It wouldn't be good for you.' Jamie sighed. 'Ok, you and Kalia will stay in this room while you do whatever you need to. I'll...find something else to do for awhile.' He blushed rather severely. 'Call me if you need me. Kalia has a panic button if things get out of hand, okay?'

I examined the small device the Deltan held out to me.

'Either of us can use it in case of emergency.' Kalia indicated as she laid it on the low table next to the couch.

'I'll just--see myself out then.' Jamie was blushing again as he walked to the door.

Once the captain left, I looked to the Deltan counselor and with a bluntness I believed she would understand, I requested, 'Please explain the captain's emotion.'

'He understands that to some, what we will be doing is sexual in nature.' Kalia said quietly, still keeping her formal tone.

'I do not wish to have carnal relations with you.' I had not needed sex up to this point. I understood this was odd even for Vulcans, though they hid their desires until their Time. But I did not consider my lack of interest a problem.

Apparently, neither did Kalia because she simply nodded. 'I know. But as I explained to your father earlier, many in Deltan society who have this reaction choose their life-partner as their 'victim' because of the intimate qualities this type of sharing can have.'

'Intriguing. Will you show me this?' Even though I had no interest in the act myself, I was curious about how others fed their hunger with sex.

The Deltan smiled slightly, losing some of her formal stance. 'I will, to the extent that it does not compromise my life-partner. She understands that I must be intimate with those like yourself to help them, but there are boundaries I will not allow you to cross.'

'I will heed your warnings.' But I was left to wonder if this would be as satifying as my other encounters. The restriction could hinder the meld's effectiveness.

I should not have worried. The meld with Kalia was more satisfying than the others.

But yet, I found myself wanting more.

When I entered the Deltan's mind, she quickly converted her mental presence to a 'visible' form, as most humans are apt to do. Then she went on the defensive.

She fought well, but did not attempt to overwhelm me. She did not use all of her mental strength. I could feel her holding back. But she was gave me more than a human could.

As she struggled, she would give up some of her emotions to me.

Her feelings were different from those I gathered from the humans. There was little fear, and what I found was not directed at me, but was for me. Then I felt her caring. She honestly wished me well. I felt some surprise at this, as I was still attempting to understand how I had gained 430, now 431 people who cared about me in the space of a few months.

My surprise brought forth sadness in her. As I did not understand her reaction, I resolved to ask Jamie about it later.

Lastly, I glimpsed some of the emotions she shared with her life-partner. She did not give up much. She put up a block I could not break when I tried to force her to give me more. But I sensed the love, the devotion, and the overwhelming caring for her mate. I absorbed them greedily, never having been exposed to these feelings.

But I found that was not enough. I wanted those emotions to be directed at me. Somehow, I knew that would have made absorbing them much more satisfying.

After an hour, we both began to tire. My hunger had been satisfied, even though I now had an odd sensation in my abdomen from my desire to be someone's life-partner. So we faded back to mist on the mental plane. Then, with a strong mental shove, Kalia threw me out of the meld.

When I came back to the physical realm, I found that I was uncomfortable. My abdomen was slightly cold and when I moved, the hairs on that part of my body seemed to be caught in my clothing.

Curious, I reached down and found that the front of my civilian trousers was wet. As there was no water anywhere near us, I could think of only one cause for this. The meld had caused a physical reaction within me.

Kalia watched my incredulity with a smile, and when I raised my eyebrow, she let out a chuckle. '*That* is why your captain was uncomfortable leaving you with me.'

----------

end part 9

----------

When Jamie and I returned to the ship an hour later, I found myself watching him carefully. Kalia's comment about what had happened at the end of our meeting had me analyzing his behavior in detail. I wanted to know more about sexuality, or more specifically, sexual acts with my captain.

But I still did not feel sexual desire, which would be necessary to engage in that behavior. So as we walked back to our cabins, I focused on the latest revelations I had been given.

Through my time with Kalia, I had discovered revealing truths about myself. I did not want to absorb the emotions of random strangers, or vague acquaintances. I did not want to spend my life alone. Most of all, I wanted to be with someone who would accept both myself and my needs.

Logic and my new-found emotionality suggested that I could find what I desired in one person: James Kirk.

I could not however, simply forge ahead and ask him to form an exclusive relationship with me. For although he suited my needs, I was not sure I was the right person for him.

Many of my ways directly opposed my captain's. There were two ideas that I believed would obstruct any possibility of having a relationship with him.

First, Jamie was a very social man.

The vast majority of the people who met the captain liked and admired him. He was often considered 'the life of the party'. Kirk seemed to revel in the attention, gaining energy from the people around him.

On the other hand, I was a rather private and reserved being, even after his interventions. I did not seek out others, and although I could now hold a casual conversation, I preferred my science experiments to social outings.

If I was with him in the way Kalia suggested, I would hold him back from the attention he needed.

Second, Jamie was a very sexual man. I felt apprehension when pondering his need for physical encounters, for I knew I could never provide him with the satisifaction he sought on a regular basis. Through long contemplation, I could only conclude that it was best to not interfere with the way he handled this need.

Jamie often admired both women and men openly. I had, on numerous occasions, watched his eyes trace the form of attractive beings before he offered to spend some time with them at a private location.

The first time I saw him do this, I found it curious. As I did not have any sexual needs, I wondered at the pleasure on his face when the young lady agreed to go with him. Later, I found it logical, as his encounters always seemed to improve relations between us and the group his partner represented.

But after my visit on Starbase 3, I found his encounters disturbing.

The first time the captain went off with a partner after my meeting with Kalia, I had to stop myself from restraining him before he could leave. I wanted him for myself. This was not logical, as I could not provide him with what he needed, but the desire was overwhelming.

I stepped back quickly, but the captain stared for a moment at the hand I had begun to reach out toward him. Then he squeezed my shoulder and left the mess hall.

That night, the captain was gone longer than usual. He most often was absent three to five hours with the partner of his choice, but that particular encounter lasted the entire night.

With Jamie gone, I found myself quite unsettled.

Sleep eluded me. When I laid down, I wondered what Jamie was doing with the small brunette he had chosen.

Did he kiss her in the human way? On the lips? Or all over her petite form? Did he hold her tightly?

Did she appreciate his attention?

I found myself angered at the thought of the woman not giving the captain the respect he deserved. For I knew his skills would be exemplary, although I never experienced them. None of the people he had been with ever complained. In fact, many asked for a second time.

If her response was unsatisfactory, I would find a way to take her place. I would see the doctor and find a way to create physical desire within me so that I could properly cater to Jamie.

This need was so strong that I almost rose from my bed to call Dr. McCoy. But I held back, reminding myself that I could not proceed without knowing if Jamie desired me. In addition, if I attempted such an act, the block my father had placed in my mind would cause us both pain the moment we attempted to touch skin-to-skin.

So, rather than staying in bed and risking the chance that the impulse would overtake me, I spent the rest of my night on my meditation mat attempting to convince myself that Kirk could see to his own needs.

But later I came to believe that I should have pursued him that night.

For when I entered the bridge the next morning, I found the captain in his chair looking rather worn and holding his head as if it ached.

In response to my automatic thoughts concerning his safety while on the planet, Jamie shook his head. 'I'm fine,' he whispered as I passed by him on the way to my station. 'I just had a rough night.'

I wanted to ask about the details of the event that caused his distress, but out of respect for his privacy, I immediately focused on my tasks for the day.

I did not discover what had happened that night for four months, but within that time, the captain's behaviors began to change.

He still had frequent encounters with attractive beings. However, he would only stay with them for an hour or two and then come back to the ship. After each one, he invited me to his room for a game of chess.

It took some time for me to understand that Kirk turned to me those nights because his liasions were physically satisfying, but emotionally, they did not meet his needs.

I discovered this when I realized that his main topic of the conversations on those nights was our relationship.

'Did you know you were my first real friend?' he asked after a liasion with a Risan dancing girl. 'No, Sam doesn't count. He was my brother,' he said quietly, responding to my thoughts automatically. He frowned, as by this time, George Samuel Kirk had died from the invasion on Deneva.

'You were also mine,' I replied just as quietly, attempting to give him space if he still needed time to mourn his brother. But when he looked at me with interest in his eyes, I continued.

'Although he was an adequate sibling, Sybok did not make a good friend. He preferred fighting with the older boys to being with me.'

'He liked getting beat up?' Jamie tilted his head as he contemplated this.

I nodded. 'He considered the beatings a form of acceptance. This was unfortunate, for he was seeking a fight when the riots started. I attempted to stop him, but I was unsuccessful.'

Jamie nodded. 'That's why you were covered in blood when you found me at the disintegators.'

'Yes. Because of your interventions, I can now remember both the horror of my brother's death at the hand of the rioters and the terror I felt when I found you in line, going to your own death.

'I knew what was happening in that place. My teacher had explained to me what the disintegrators were for before he was taken away. From what he said, I can only conclude that he believed his lesson would commute my fears.'

'Vulcans.' Jamie swore softly. 'All he did was make it worse, I bet.'

I closed my eyes to try to circumvent the block, which was partially obstructing the memory. 'I believe so, although I am only vaguely cognizant of my emotions from that period.'

'That's to be expected. It was a lifetime ago.' Jamie smiled at me softly. 'I didn't realize what I was in line for until you dragged me away and told me. The guards shot Aunt Grace when she tried to get away, but I didn't see it happen. In all the confusion, I had actually thought they they didn't want her to have the present I thought I was getting.

'I won't tell you the rest. I know trying to remember will hurt you.' He waved his finger to remind me to not attempt to access the memory of our bonding. 'But I will say this: what I choose to remember of Tarsus is the fun we had together. You were so fascinating to me. I wanted you to always be my friend.'

'Do you still?' I raised my eyebrow.

Jamie chuckled. 'Yes Spock, you are definitely worth terrorizing Starfleet Command.' He patted my uniform-covered arm, right above my hand. We were both very aware of the pain that would result if he touched my skin.

This fact was now beginning to irritate me.

Jamie sighed, hearing my thought. 'We can't remove the block yet, my best.'

I looked up, puzzled by his words. At first, it sounded like he hadn't completed the phrase at the end of his sentence. And yet, something about it was familiar.

But before I could do more than repeat the phrase in my mind, a bolt of pain shot through me.

'Stop it, Spock. You're hitting the block.' The captain grabbed my arm. 'I'll tell you. Just try not to think of that awful day.'

I nodded as the pain began to recede.

'It's short for best friend.' Jamie said as he rubbed my arm through the sleeve of my uniform.

'Yes,' I agreed softly, his words bringing back a safe memory. The first day he had called me his 'best', we had gone to the park at the edge of town to play. My teacher and his aunt had gotten into a heated discussion while we were on the swings and didn't see when a group of older boys came over and told us that we were 'taking their spot'.

I was going to ask Sylvin for help, but Jamie decided that we should chase them away ourselves.

'How are we going to do that?' I whispered, eyeing the boys cautiously.

'Watch.' Jamie said with a smile. Then he approached them.

Hiding his intelligence behind the innocent expression seen on most children his age, Jamie proceeded to ask the boys if they wanted to practice an exercise with us.

'He's teaching me the secret Vulcan Death Grip.' He pointed to me as he continued his deception by rambling like many young humans tended to do. 'He can't teach you. He only teaches his best friends. He's my best. But we need to try it. Can we try it on you?'

That was all he had to do. The older boys only needed to see my pointed ears and serious face to begin to wonder if I was capable of such an action. After watching me stare at them, they decided I was and started moving backwards.

When the boys were far enough away, I whispered, 'There is no Vulcan Death Grip.'

Jamie smiled. 'I know that, but they don't. And you are my best.'

I nodded and couldn't help but let a smile escape, although I knew Sylvin would scold me if he saw it.

Looking at Jamie now, I inclined my head. 'You are also mine, Captain.'

He just raised his eyebrow, imitating my most well-known expression.

I knew what he wanted just from that look. By this time, I knew him well enough to decipher his subtle hints to me. 'Jamie,' I whispered. 'You are my friend, Jamie.'

My captain smiled, just as he had at the age of four. 'My best.' He squeezed my arm through my sleeve. 'Now, you should rest before I bring up another memory that gets too close to the block.'

I nodded, feeling the fatigue that remembering our time on Tarsus always produced. 'Goodnight...Jamie.'

'Goodnight, my best.' He smiled as I stood and left his cabin through the bathroom.

We had conversations on similar subjects every night after he went with another to satisfy his sexual desires. However, not only did his sexual encounters become shorter, they became more infrequent as time went on.

They decreased so much that by the time our relationship changed, he hadn't had an encounter in 3 weeks and 5 days, the longest span I had ever seen him without a sexual partner.

It was beneficial to us both that this was so. The situation was quite difficult as it was.

If I had become jealous during the change, I would have become uncontrollably violent. It is always so during pon farr.

-----------

end part 10