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On the day my pon farr started, the Enterprise was enroute to the Shore Leave planet. We had just finished a difficult mission involving negotiations with the Klingons for mining rights to a small planet in the Barus system.
Because the Klingon commander was not very cooperative, the mission caused considerable stress for everyone. This may explain why I did not notice when I began to act overly irritable and displeased with situations which would have satisfied me earlier. The small instances I did notice, I excused as due to not having enough time to meditate properly.
But when I snapped at Jamie the next morning for being two minutes late for breakfast, I suddenly realized that something within me was different.
Initially, the captain laughed off my anger. 'Did you get up on the wrong side of the bed?'
When I did not respond with the expected comment about the logic of that question, Jamie paused and examined my face closely. 'Are you okay?' he whispered, seeing the distress in my mind.
'I am not sure,' I said just as softly. 'I find myself rather irritated by small transgressions and normal occurances.'
'You just need rest, Spock. We all do.' He patted my arm reassuringly.
'I do not believe it is simply fatigue, Jamie.' I replied. By this time, the crew had become comfortable with the nickname and did not stare at me when I said it. At first, my familiarity with the captain was so shocking that a few people attempted to correct me and tell me to call him 'Jim'. Jamie quickly ended their interference with a few angry expressions.
'Then what is it?' He looked me over with concern in his eyes.
'I do not know.' These symptoms were unfamiliar to me. They did not correlate with any Vulcan illness that I knew of.
'See Bones before you come on shift. He'll help you figure it out.' Jamie patted my arm, as was his tendency when he wished to convey an emotional connection with me. 'If it's serious, maybe you should take a day or two off.'
So after breakfast, I went to sickbay, as my captain requested. He must have called McCoy on the way to the bridge, because the doctor was waiting for me when I arrived.
'Let's have a look at you.'
I watched curiously as the doctor ran his scanner over me. After a few moments, he scratched his head as he pondered the results. 'You do have a few elevated hormones. But it's nothing serious.'
It took me mere seconds to deduce what was wrong with me once he said those words. I could not help but be irritated by his calm attitude, as those chemical excesses were the prelude to the most difficult part of a Vulcan's life.
I could feel my hands begin to shake. Was I feeling fear? Apprehension? Either was appropriate in this situation.
It was interesting to find myself in the same type of situation most Vulcans handle daily. But I knew if I indulged my curiousity concerning the emotions I felt, I might lose control. Therefore, I quickly called upon Surak's teachings. The tension in me dissipated as quickly as it had come. But given the circumstances, it was best to isolate myself before the emotions came back.
'I need to request medical leave.' I said softly.
'Medical leave? For some elevated hormones? Why?' McCoy looked at me incredulously.
'It is a private matter,' I replied tersely, knowing I needed to explain myself. But I did not want to embarrass my father by discussing Vulcan mating practices with the doctor.
'That's not good enough, Commander. I actually need a reason to be able to give you leave.' He folded his arms and looked me over. 'Are you sure it's medical leave that you need? If it's a private matter, maybe you should be talking to the captain.'
I--I cannot.' I had an illogical 'hunch' that if Jamie was informed of my condition, he would be harmed. The captain often told me to 'follow my gut'. I would do so now, for I had no wish to injure my best friend.
That was a real possibility. Because not only was I in pon farr, I also *needed*. I could feel the hunger grow in me extremely rapidly. But I knew Kalia could not satisfy me this time. Neither could my captain help me. If I lost control in his presence, disaster could result.
Sarek was the only one who could aid me. I needed to contact him before I began hurting the crew. So without another word to McCoy, I left sickbay and headed back to my quarters.
Once there, I transmitted an emergency signal to Vulcan. My father had provided me with a Federation security code for just this event.
When my Sarek's face appeared on my comm screen, I said simply, 'It is time.'
'I have not been able to find you a suitable mate,' Father sighed. 'All of the available women would be too weak to survive if you were to feed on them.'
'Are there any other options?' I asked, unable to suppress a sigh.
'I will consult the elders. Perhaps.'
I nodded, but internally, I was preparing for my own death. Sarek had not been able to find me a suitable Vulcan. I could not mate with anyone aboard the ship, as I promised Jamie I would not harm the crew. My only chance of surviving pon farr was the infintesimal possibility that Father would find a suitable and willing person in time.
As I came to this conclusion, I heard an exasperated sigh behind me. 'You have to stop doing this to me, Spock. One day I'm not going to notice you're upset until it's too late. And then where will we be?'
I didn't have time to turn around before Jamie put his hand on my shoulder and faced my father. 'Why do I always have to fight you to be part of Spock's life, Ambassador? What do you have against me?'
Sarek closed his eyes and took a deep breath. 'I was not sure of your commitment to my son.'
Jamie stared at my father. 'Haven't you been paying attention for the last six months?!'
'You have helped a friend. I did not see any signs of your attachment being deeper than that.' Father inclined his head. 'I was in error about your influence on Spock. He has grown significantly since you have been with him. But your insistence on being his mate may cause both of you difficulties.'
Jamie crossed his arms as if to ward off Sarek. 'You're determined to keep me out of his life.'
'Spock still does not emote enough for a Human to be comfortable in a relationship with him,' Father said softly.
At this point, I wanted to protest, as my father was unaware of how well my relationship with the captain had progressed. But I was stopped by the hand squeezing my shoulder. Jamie had established this signal earlier to let me know when it was best that he handle the situation because I would have difficulty responding correctly.
However, when I turned to look at his face, I was concerned that the captain would become too emotional. For I saw anger was distorting his asthetically pleasing features.
'After twenty five years, you still don't get it,' Jamie growled softly. 'No matter what you think, he is my *bondmate*. Only he can refuse me.'
'He is not your bondmate. The bond is incomplete,' Father replied, refuting the captain's claim.
Jamie growled again, and this time, his grip on my shoulder tightened to the point of causing pain. 'The bond is fighting to repair itself! Only your block is keeping us from being completely joined.'
'I do not...' Sarek protested once again.
'You don't have a choice, Ambassador. He's the one who has to decide.' Jamie glared at my father, halting his words. 'I was able to do more in six months what you could in twenty five years. Doesn't that say something about my connection to him?'
He waved a finger at my father. 'Don't even try to go around me to get to Spock. I know for a fact your wife doesn't know what's going on. All we would have to do is stop over for a visit...'
Sarek attempted to argue yet again, but when the captain waved his finger a second time, he bowed his head in defeat. 'I will not interfere. But I would have Spock state his choice now so that I may inform T'Pau.'
'Spock?' Jamie's voice prodded me softly as he knelt at my side. He waited expectantly, but I did not know what I was supposed to do.
'You need to choose.' Jamie explained in a whisper. 'Sarek can continue to search for an appropriate mate for you...or you can have the mate you chose long ago.'
'I have found an emotional connection to you, which would make you a suitable mate. However, I do not know if you would survive my hunger. Nor would sexual relations be possible, since we cannot touch,' I countered logically.
Jamie glared at my father once again. 'But that can be fixed. Right, Ambassador?'
Sarek sighed and nodded. 'Kalia can remove the block. She has already been alerted and can rendevous with your ship within twelve hours.'
'Soon enough to save Spock from complications.' The captain nodded approvingly. He then held my arm above the wrist. 'But you are in control of your life. What do you want? I promise you I won't think less of you, no matter what you decide.'
I stared at my friend for a moment and pondered my choices. The consequences of my actions would be far-reaching. They would affect both of our futures.
Did I want to commit myself to this man? Even if he survived my hunger, his past suggested that he might become bored or disgusted with me, as he had with some of his previous sexual partners.
'I wouldn't do that to you, my best,' Jamie said softly as he read my thoughts. 'Look at how long I've chased you. And I've worked to help you...'
'But at times, having is not a good a thing as wanting,' I replied, my voice strained as I struggled with my decision. I found myself experiencing an unfamiliar emotion. But at that moment, I was unable to analyze the situation adequately enough to identify it. So I attempted to calm myself as I said, 'If I have not adjusted enough for your liking...'
Jamie shook his head vehemently. 'Don't even think that. I would have taken you just the way you were when I boarded this ship.' Gently, he ran his hand up my arm. 'I helped you reconnect with the universe because you looked so alone...and I wanted you to have something even if the bond between us didn't work out.'
'Why?' I asked, puzzled as to why he would do such a thing. He would get no benefit out of his efforts.
'Because I love you, my best. I've loved you since we were four.' Jamie bowed his head as if admitting something difficult.
'But I cannot love you,' I reminded him, although given the changes in me, I was unsure if it was the truth.
'Can't you?' Jamie raised his eyebrow. 'I wouldn't be sitting here if I hadn't seen signs of affection.'
'I have not noticed a need to be with you.' But even as I said that, I knew I did not need because he was already with me for most of each day.
'No? What about your jealousy? It was so powerful that I stopped seeing other people. Even though you weren't ready for me, I could feel how upset you were getting when I went with other people.'
'You did this for me?' I blinked in amazement.
'Of course.' Jamie smiled gently. 'Your emotions were so strong when I went with Petra that...'
'That what?' His words piqued my curiousity. I was the reason for his dissatisfaction that night?
The captain shook his head. 'I'll tell you after you make your decision. I know I'm not giving you much time to make your choice, but I promise you I will do my best for you if you choose me.'
It did not take me long decide. Jamie was a logical mate. He understood me better than almost everyone else. He could read my emotions better than I could.
But I still had one concern. It was eating at me as I sat there. I had to hold myself back from trying to grab my best friend and devour his emotions. Only the pain I knew it would produce kept me from taking him right then and there.
'Can you handle my need?' I asked softly.
Jamie nodded. 'I'll be fine.'
There was no doubt in his eyes, but I was still concerned.
Jamie sighed. 'If that's all you're worried about, I'll ask Kalia to stay while we figure out what I should do when it's directed at me.'
'Then I wish to be with you.' I bowed my head solemnly.
Jamie laid a hand on my side, over my heart. 'Then I will always be here, my best.'
He then turned to Sarek. 'Comm Kalia and make sure she's on her way. I don't want Spock waiting any longer than necessary.'
Father nodded. Before he signed off, he bowed to Jamie and whispered, 'Thank you.'
My best friend shook his head. 'It's ironic that you kept me away all these years, but now I may be exactly what he wants and needs.'
After Sarek closed the connection, Jamie ran his hand over my shoulder. 'I'm taking you off duty, so get some rest until Kalia gets here. After the block is gone and your hungers are calmed, I'll make sure you get all the answers you want.'
I inclined my head in acquiescence. 'Thank you, t'hy'la.' I knew his place in my life now. He had been my brother since the age of four, my friend since he joined the ship, and within a day, he would become my lover.
'I'll do anything for you, my best,' Jamie declared with a small smile as he left me to my meditation.
I was expecting it to be a long half-day for me, as I was plagued by two hungers that both needed to be satisfied urgently.
But I found that my meditation was aided by the memories that my captain had provided me and the emotions he had helped me uncover.
For that short time, I was able to fight my hungers by remembering my joys.
But even though this was most pleasurable, part of me was unnerved by the knowledge that most of those joys centered around the man who would be risking his life to satisfy me in a few hours.
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end part 11
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Kalia arrived promptly twelve hours later.
I heard the knock on the bathroom door within a few minutes of the captain being called to the transporter room. However, since I did not trust myself to control my hungers any longer, I did not halt my meditation to let my guests in. I knew Jamie could hear my thoughts and would understand my lack of manners.
So within a minute of the knock, Jamie overrode the lock I put on the bathroom door and entered my cabin cautiously. 'My best?' he called softly into the dark room.
I had turned off the lights to calm myself. My agitation was now almost constant. If Kalia had not arrived promptly, I would have had to restrain myself in order to keep the crew safe.
After twenty five years of being emotionless, my agitation agitated me, and that made me dangerous.
But now my salvation was near. Guided by my meditation candle, Jamie came to my side.
'Are you ready, Spock?' he asked softly as he sat next to me. 'Kalia wants to do this before you go into the plak tow.'
I looked up into his strained face and read the emotion there. 'You are worried.'
'It won't be easy,' the captain sighed. 'We're both going to be in agony. The bond will try to fix itself when it senses that the block has moved even the slightest bit. So it'll tear a few times before the block is removed. Kalia said that there's nothing she can do to stop that.'
'Perhaps I should have rejected you to keep you safe,' I suggested. But even as I said the words, I knew Jamie had changed me too much for that to be a viable option. I would be discontent without him and I no longer had the choice to return to my emotionless existence. My emotions were a part of me now.
Jamie glared at me. I understood this to mean that he did not agree with my statement. In fact, his deep frown indicated that he wanted me to vanquish that thought as soon as possible.
Kalia's face appeared in the candlelight, showing an expression of astonishment as she watched us arguing. 'You have worked miracles, Captain.'
Jamie seemed disgruntled by the interruption, but after a moment, he sighed and nodded. 'The bond made it easy. All I had to do was watch his thoughts and try to provoke the sparks of emotions I saw.'
'Whatever you did, the results are amazing. He's showing signs of compassion and emotional understanding.' Kalia settled in front of us. 'Let's get rid of the block before he loses control. If he can hear you in his head when he goes through the plak tow, the next few days will be safer for you both.'
After we assented, Kalia touched my face to better read the state of my mind. 'Captain, I need you to pull back from the bond as much as you can. I want to shield you from as much pain as I can. He'll need you to guide him when the block is gone.'
The bond must have grown very strong by that point, because although I normally did not feel his presence, I could feel him leave my mind now. It caused such an emptiness within me that I had to restrain myself before I pulled him back into me.
Kalia, sensing my difficulty, let me adjust to Jamie's absence before continuing. 'This will hurt, but I need you to stay still, both here and on the mental plane. Struggling will just make it worse.'
Once I agreed to stay immobile, she closed her eyes and prepared to find the block that kept me from knowing my best friend fully.
She started by accessing my memories of Tarsus IV. I saw our playtimes move quickly past my conscious awareness, as well as my lessons with Sylvin and my fights with Sybok. The memories blurred together until she found the day that changed everything.
Then, as she accessed that day, the memories moved more slowly and I experienced them more fully.
The pain began almost immediately.
My remembrances started with the knock on our door and the letter stating that Sylvin was to report to the disintegrators. I relived my horror as my teacher described the process to me with kind eyes. However, through my adult perceptions, I now understood that he truly believed his lesson would make his passing easier for me.
But even as an adult, the blood pooling around Sybok's body shocked and dismayed me. Oh, my brother. If you hadn't tried so hard to live up to others' expectations, perhaps you would be alive today.
When my memory turned to the moment I entered the hall of disintegrators, I could feel myself panic. Seeing Jamie standing in that line, not understanding why his Aunt Grace was suddenly gone, caused terror to well within me with all its original potency. I screamed, not able to control the flood of anguish.
'Shh, I'm right here.' Jamie brought me back to the present for a moment. I could feel him on the edge of my mind, reminding me that this was just a memory and that we were both safe.
Kalia encouraged more of Jamie's support as she moved closer to our time of bonding. The tension in my head increased at each step, so I attempted to lean into my bondmate. I knew he would help me fight the pain.
I felt him shift to get closer to me, but the sensations were vague. The memories trapped me, commandeering my perceptions and emotions.
I saw myself drag my best friend out of the line and run with him to the shed. Jamie cried and screamed as I held him on that cold floor and told him what happened to his Aunt Grace. I didn't want to cause him pain, but I was in so much anguish that I was unable to stop myself.
My current discomfort increased as I watched my younger self put a hand to Jamie's meld points in an instinctive attempt to calm him. Then I screamed as the memories were disrupted by the warning shocks from the block.
'Stay with me, Spock!' Jamie yelled as he wrapped his arms around me. Through the pain, I could feel Kalia grab the barrier and begin to pull. I heard Jamie scream as the block began attacking him, but I could do nothing to help him. Kalia's manipulations were so painful that I was certain I would die before the block was removed.
The pressure inside my head increased exponentially as Kalia tugged with as much force as she could. Jamie held my head against his chest as I screamed louder, unable to call upon my training to calm myself. Somehow, I knew he was gritting his teeth to keep his own screams from issuing forth once again. He did not want to distract Kalia or myself from the task of freeing the memories.
This went on for many minutes until finally Kalia was able to break the block and pull it away from me.
Immediately afterward, Jamie's presence rushed at me, and with it, the flood of previously trapped memories. In the center of them was my first time entering Jamie's mind.
Even at the age of four, it had felt like coming home after a long journey. He welcomed me as if I belonged there.
Jamie instantly stopped crying when the bond fastened itself to his mind. He clutched at me as I wrapped my mind around his like a warm blanket.
There we stayed until we were discovered. Although the shed was cold, we were warm inside our own minds as we comforted each other and played in a space we created within the connection.
When help finally found us, many hours later, it was a jolt to both of us. We did not want to leave the bond. But when I finally looked up into the too-bright sunlight, I saw that Sarek had come with a Starfleet officer. As I remembered, Jamie supplied an identity for that man: his father, George Kirk.
He also told me that they had nearly stolen the Kelvin, Lieutenant Kirk's ship, in order to get to us. But at the last minute, Starfleet Command had allowed them to change the course they had been on and head to the Tarsus system.
Our fathers had found us by searching for my life signs. There had been three Vulcanoid beings on Tarsus IV when we started our field trip. But by the time they arrived on the planet, there was only one.
I vaguely heard them ripping the door off the shed to get to us, as I had had enough presence of mind to lock it when we hid.
They found us in the corner with our arms wrapped around each other, shivering with cold and hunger.
Sarek immediately pulled me away from my new soulmate, and by doing so, caused us both to go into shock.
The last thing I remembered before my four year old self fainted was screaming Jamie's name.
My best friend wouldn't let me faint this time. 'Hold on, my best. It's almost over,' he whispered in my ear. 'Kalia's making sure the bond is fusing itself correctly.'
'Jamie,' I murmured wonderingly through my pain. 'I can feel you.'
He laughed softly. 'As you should, now that there's nothing between us. Just try not to use the bond too much until it finishes repairing itself. I don't want you to accidentally tear it.'
I nodded, then for the first time since we were children, I read his thoughts. 'You remember how our bonding felt?' Amazement suffused through me as the bond sent me his memories.
'You made me feel so warm and safe. How could I forget?' Jamie sighed happily. 'But we were only four. The bond can do so much more now.'
'Will it help me to love you?' I asked, desperate to give him something in return for all that he had given me.
'Spock, my best, you already do,' Jamie said with conviction as his hands caressed my arms and shoulders softly. As he did, I noticed that he still avoided touching my skin. Annoyed at this, I questioned why.
'Let the bond heal first.' He smiled. 'I promise that will be the first thing I do when it's done.'
So I rested against my best friend's chest as I waited for the bond to finish repairing itself.
Only when I began to shift restlessly, my needs driving me to impatience, did Jamie pull away from me. 'Let's move to the bed. You need some sleep. I can feel your body getting ready for the plak tow. Your other need is growing stronger too. We should rest while we can.'
I looked to Kalia, who nodded her approval. 'Put a blanket between you. The bond is not ready to accept physical contact yet. In a few hours, you should no longer need it.'
Jamie moved me slowly and gently, sensing the weakness in me that I only noticed when we stood.
'You just relived the most emotional day of your entire life, Spock. What did you expect?' he commented as he guided me onto the bed.
I watched in a daze as he wrapped me in a blanket to warm me and to make sure he did not touch my skin. Then he turned me onto my side and molded his cool body to mine.
Curious. I was calmed by his presence rather quickly, even though the blanket dulled his touch.
'Analyze it later, my best,' Jamie chuckled softly as he heard my thoughts. 'I'll make sure you have time to gather data on the bond when all of this is over. Now go to sleep.'
'Yes, Teacher,' I said automatically, still partially immersed in the memories we had uncovered. When I realized my mistake, I was chagrined, but my captain calmed me with a whisper.
'That's the second best thing you've called me, Spock,' Jamie informed me. 'I hope you'll let me continue to teach you.'
'It is only logical, as I still have much to learn,' I replied softly before succumbing to sleep.
But even as I let my body claim the rest it needed, I knew that his lessons could only continue if he survived the wrath of my hungers.
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end part 12
