Disclaimer: I don't own it. Period.

Chapter 51-When you came in my life

When you came in my life you changed my world

My Sarah

Everything seemed so right my baby girl

My Sarah

-Thin Lizzy-

I'm a mother. I have a child. This tiny being, that is totally dependent on me and Sirius. Emily Rose Black was born on August second and that was and always will be one of my favourite days. We got to go home a week later and that's when I realized that we were now on our own. We had to raise this child, take care of her and love her. It always seems so easy and in theory it is. But actually doing it isn't always that easy. The loving part was the easiest one of course, but not always.

Just imagine having your 3 weeks old daughter screaming her head off and you don't know what's wrong with her and how to make her stop. She doesn't need to be changed, she just ate and isn't hungry and rocking, shushing and singing to her doesn't help, at all. You're so frustrated because you haven't been sleeping well and you don't know what to do. It's hard loving someone when the only thing you want to do is break down and cry and just leave her to her screaming, but of course you know you can't. You just have to suck it up and keep trying.

If someone tells you being a parent is easy, they're lying. Sometimes it could be a breeze and you loved being a parent, other times you felt like you were going to die from exhaustion. But we all know that it's worth it. Lily came over a lot of days so we could help each other out. One day when she came over…she was met by chaos.

Lily's POV

I was walking towards the Black's apartment with Harry in my arms one day. I reached their door and opened it with the key I had, since it was easier having keys to each others homes now days, because we visited so often. I entered the apartment and was met by things strewn everywhere, Sirius and Char weren't the most organized people but this wasn't normal. I sat Harry down on the floor in a playpen and headed for the nursery where Emily was crying. Why wasn't anyone picking her up? I picked her up and hushed her she calmed down and I started looking around for Char.

"Char?" I entered the living area and put Emily down next to Harry.

"You got her to stop," a voice said and I turned towards the couch. There sat Char, her eyes were red and she looked like a mess.

"Char…what are you doing?" She smiled grimly at me and stared at the babies and sniffled.

"I don't know," she stated quietly.

"Char…Emily was crying," I said gently and moving towards my friend. She looked up at me and said;

"I know. I know she was crying. She's been doing that all night and morning and it doesn't matter what I do…I just can't get her to shut up." I looked at her warily as she continued.

"Do you want to know something? Earlier…I just wanted to…shit, I wanted to throw her out the window." I gasped and stared at my friend. She couldn't be serious.

"Char…that's"

"Awful, I know! But that's what went through my mind. So I came in here to hide and calm down before I actually did something." She looked up at me sadly with tears in her eyes and said;

"I don't think I'm cut out to be a mom Lil…I just don't know…I'm confused and frustrated." We sat in silence for awhile just thinking.

"Does Sirius know?"

"No. He's at work all the time anyways. Voldemort has been on a rampage lately. You know that," she said staring at me sadly. All I could do was try to help my friend and look out for her. And talk to Sirius.

Char's POV

It got better. I struggled to get used to being a mom. But I managed to do it with Lily's' help. And Sirius helped too, I think Lily talked to him about it. Damien started to come over more often too so I wasn't alone all the time. I think they were actually worried that I would hurt my daughter, but I couldn't do that. I loved her but I wasn't used to having an infant with me all the time and got frustrated easily.

Time went by and the babies grew rapidly. But so did the amount off attacks. And then came the day that Dumbledore told Lily and James about the prophecy, the day they had to choose their secret keeper. I actually thought that they wouldn't ask Sirius. I really thought that they wouldn't ask him because of Emily. But James did ask him and Sirius, he wanted to say yes I could see it in his eyes…

"Sirius, what about Emily? Please, you can't put her in danger by being Voldemort's' number one target!" I screamed at him the day he came home and told me about James question.

"They're my best friends! My family! "

"And so are we! I will not let you put our daughter in danger Sirius." We stared at each other angrily. But I could almost see the thoughts spinning around in his head. I understood that he wanted to protect and help our friends…But what about this family? Our daughter? Could he really put her in danger like that? As if she knew we were talking about her Emily chose that moment to make herself known by screaming. I sighed, rubbed my face and turned my back to my frustrating husband to tend to our daughter. I entered the nursery and picked the crying girl up, she quieted immediately. I looked down at her in surprise.

"You just wanted some company huh?" I muttered with a small smile as I rocked her. I felt his presence before I could see him.

"Can you really expose her to danger like that?" I said quietly, not turning around. I heard him walk closer and out of the corner of my eye I watched him stand next to us. He sighed and put his arms around us and quietly said;

"No. No I couldn't do that to her. But Char, I want to help James, Lily and Harry." I looked back at him.

"Me too Sirius. But there has to be another way," I said looking down at Emily again. There had to be another way…

A week later James and Lily went into hiding. I asked Sirius if he was their secret keeper and he told me that he was. At first I felt dread but he assured me that we would be safe. We would go into hiding too, with Reggie as our secret keeper. We did, and we all felt safe but I didn't know how long it would last. Sirius of course went out on raids, but no one could find our new home. So he figured that as long as Emily and I were safe, he could continue his job. I didn't even try talking him out of it because I knew it was useless. I know the whole point for going into hiding was to stay hidden, but we all know that Sirius couldn't do that, I had a hard time about it too and ventured into the outside world from time to time. As long as Emily was safe.

Months went by and soon Christmas was there. The babies enjoyed their first Christmas I think. Not that they understood much that was going on. We spent it at Godrics Hollow with James and Lily. It was a happy time. It was like all our worries had just melted away and we were just able to relax and have fun again. The only danger that occurred during Christmas was James and Sirius giving both babies toddler-brooms. I still can't believe those two, but they were yelled at, believe me.

A month later we lost mum. Not by deatheaters, by old age and nature taking its course. James and Lily were allowed outside their "safe haven" for the funeral. But it was under strict surveillance. Strangely nothing happened. After that blow I didn't know what to think any more. Time was moving fast and I didn't know how to handle it. It was harder to communicate with Dumbledore because of the hiding thing, but I tried. Severus reported that Voldemort was getting anxious. Never a good sign.

In March he attacked the Longbottoms. I couldn't help them and I felt so terrible for it. I didn't know when it would happen, just that it would. I tried to warn them, make them go into hiding but they wouldn't. They thought they were safe. I guess I should look on the bright side, they weren't dead. Just driven to insanity, but what is worse really? Being tortured for so long that you go insane or die? I would choose death, atleast I think I would.

The prospect of the order having a spy was introduced. And even if I knew that Sirius suspected Remus, he never shared that with me.

Summer came too quickly and our little ones turned one. We had a joint birthday party since they were born only two days apart. But even if we tried to make it a joyous affair I couldn't help but think of Frank and Alice. How they didn't get to see their own child's first birthday. I sent baby Neville a present, a picture album. With pictures of his parents, I thought he might appreciate it later.

Emily said her first words sometime near her first birthday. Well it wasn't actually words it was more like "ma" and "da", but Sirius and I got excited anyways. He had been trying to get her to say "daddy" for months but all that ever came out was a gurgling sound. So when she happily screamed "da" one day when he got home he went over the moon. He even went over to James place to brag. It was hte happiest I had seen him since Christmas.

September was a hard month. It was close to October, but still rather far away. I tried to stay cheery as Sirius told me about a plan he had. But "for my own safety" he couldn't tell me everything. I knew that it was time to act. I just didn't know what to act out.