Yeah I don't know what to say about this chapter other than I have to have surgery next week and probably won't update for a little bit. Enjoy the daddy issues.
Once N could control his gag reflex, the times daddy would come into his room weren't so harrowing. As long as N gave him what he wanted, he wasn't even hit. Like before, it had become routine, but instead of N pulling on daddy with his hand, he had to do it with his mouth. The first few times were uncomfortable. Very. N couldn't help it and ended up choking on it. Daddy always got mad at him when he did. If N choked or gagged, daddy slapped him, but, N had been doing good the past few times. He hadn't choked, he was getting used to it. After all, once something became part of your every night activities, once you did it over and over, you got used to it. It was just like exercising. Lift weights enough, and your muscles toned, study something, and you could memorize it, suck on daddy every night for 3 weeks and N could control himself and make daddy happy.
The growing pain in his stomach never ceased. Every time daddy opened that door and sat down, no words were said, because N knew what to do, but it made him feel...he didn't even know anymore. Afraid? But, he wasn't hurting. It was dirty, though. Because-he didn't know why. It wasn't natural. But it had to be done in order for him to survive. And never would he go against Ghetsis's wishes on purpose. The times before he had been scared, he'd made terrible mistakes. But it was all part of the learning process. Ghetsis just couldn't seem to beat it into him enough. There was always-always the pit in his stomach that coiled when he did something like this. Always, his heart would pound until he could hear it in his ears. It was something that never went away, no matter how much he wished for it or tried to force it down, it always won. And N never stopped being afraid.
But as Ghetsis sat on his bed, face scrunched in concentration, his fingers tangled in N's hair as he moved up and down, up and down, N had to block out the horrible feelings. Terror and disgust were there, louder than any other emotion, but he couldn't let them show. Because if he was good, then it would be over. But if he was bad, the situation would turn out much worse than it already was. So N sucked. And sucked, up and down, letting his tongue out in the ways Ghetsis had taught him, moving over his father just like he wanted. It was always about what Ghetsis wanted, but N was okay with that. He was a good boy. He was a good son.
"N..." Ghetsis always moaned out his name when he was close. Sometimes he would mumble words N couldn't make out, or another name completely, but it was almost always ignored while he focused on what he was doing. When Ghetsis moaned, N knew he was doing it right. And he kept his motions in sync. Near the end, Ghetsis would yank on his hair, and it made N wince. But he couldn't afford to accidentally bite his father. So like everything else, he blocked it out. N had been doing a lot of that lately, and he was getting better at it. It hurt less to think of things differently than what was reality. The internal stabbing he felt in his stomach could be calmed with merely thinking a different way.
N grunted when the warm substance would squirt into his mouth. It tasted awful, but it was worse when Ghetsis made him swallow it. Normally he could get away with spitting, but Ghetsis had made sure to make the ordeal as unpleasant as possible. With N off him, the stuff still inside his mouth, he wanted to vomit, but instead he opened his mouth and let it dribble down his chin. It was disgusting and dirty and-but positive thoughts, positive thoughts. It wasn't that bad, he could tell himself. It was just warm and sticky. It wasn't that bad. Honestly, N always made things out to be much worse in his head. But the good thoughts would let him know it was okay and he was just being silly.
Like always, when it was over and Ghetsis's breathing returned to normal, he would nab N's chin and pull him up to him, kissing him. N didn't know which felt more strange. Daddy's lips or daddy's- "N."
With his lips sticky, it was difficult to muster an answer, but he had to. "Yes, Ghetsis?" He sort of missed calling him dad or daddy out loud. He called him daddy when he talked to Zorua. Not that it mattered.
"You are beautiful." It was something that was told to him over and over, every time he did this for him. N never knew the meaning. Well, he knew what it meant, but it still didn't make sense to him. In his fairytale books, people who were attracted to one another often told the other person they were gorgeous or pretty. The pictures depicted a couple who were elegant, graceful and almost literally glowing. When N looked in the mirror, he saw a boy too tall for his age, pale, so skinny that his ribs were showing, and a long tangled mess of green hair. That wasn't something N considered beautiful. To him, he didn't even look like a boy. Nor did he feel like much of one anymore. It made him a little sad to think like that, but he couldn't help it.
Being told he was beautiful when normally in his books, it was something the men told the ladies, it made N feel like less of a person. Beautiful wasn't a compliment to him, even if daddy meant it that way. It felt more like an insult. So he never knew how to react, because he didn't fully understand exactly what Ghetsis meant. Beautiful. Gorgeous. Pretty. It made him ashamed of himself.
Ghetsis followed up on the kiss by moving to N's neck and nuzzling him before sucking on him. His mouth was warm and invading, and every move made shivers go down N's back. It was worse when his tongue came out. It gave N the sensation that he was being eaten, and sometimes Ghetsis would comment on how good he tasted. They were just words. Words that didn't match his actions, at least to N. He didn't understand them. How could he taste good? Not knowing only infuriated him more. It was best to let things like that slide. The less he knew, the better off he would be blocking out the horrible things.
After Ghetsis sucked his neck, he moved back up to his mouth, kissing N once more before he backed off and spoke. "The doctor is coming back in later to check on your arm. If you've been taking good care of it, he might take the splint off. Won't it feel good to be able to use that arm again, N?"
N forced a smile. Daddy was nice, always nice to him. "Yes sir."
Another kiss, this time more forceful until it drove N back onto the bed where he lay on his back. "You've been a good boy these past few weeks." More kisses, until N felt like he couldn't breathe, but he didn't dare voice his discomfort. The pit in his stomach settled when he thought of how nice daddy was and how this wasn't scary at all. "If your arm is healed, I'm coming back later tonight." That meant N had cleaning to do. And as always, when Ghetsis visited him during the night, N had to wash his hair with the lavender shampoo. It always made him want to vomit, because it was such a strong scent, but it's what Ghetsis wanted. He never stood up an opportunity to inhale N's hair when he knew he'd washed it with lavender. N didn't know how or why he liked it. "And then-" He paused for another kiss. "If you're good tonight, I'll give you a special surprise."
But it wasn't N's birthday or anything. Special surprises were reserved only for birthdays. He had to ask. "What is it?" It wouldn't hurt to be a little curious. He didn't get to ask questions all that much and it was nice to know things sometimes.
Ghetsis leaned up off of him, one of his arms snaking around to run his fingers through N's hair. He twirled random strands around his finger. "Since you've been so good, and if you are good tonight, I'm going to let you go outside."
The pit in N's stomach completely disappeared and for the first time, he felt butterflies instead. Shooting up, the smile on his face was genuine this time, stretching from both sides. "O-outside? Really?" Daddy was so nice.
"Yes, N. But you have to be good and do what I say. Do you understand?"
Excitement. Pure excitement, like N hadn't felt before in his entire life. Outside. For real, the one thing he'd strived so hard for, the one thing he'd waited his entire life for. It was really going to happen, he couldn't believe it. "Y-yes sir! I-I'll do anything!" And he really meant it this time. Finally, everything was going to pay off. This was so surreal, he must've been dreaming, but-outside. Butterflies flocked inside him, and he visibly shook with happiness, his grin never fading. He-he... Reaching forward, N wrapped his good arm around Ghetsis. He never remembered daddy seeming so big before. "Ghetsis, I love you! Thank you!"
The hug didn't last nearly as long as N wanted, and he still never knew what came over him. His body moved on its own. As soon as he spat out his words, Ghetsis pushed him away, but he didn't look angry or upset over N's behavior. Instead, he reached up and stroked the side of N's face. "Remember. You have to do whatever I say. If you disobey me once, just once, you will not go outside, do you understand?"
And still, even though his words were threatening and he was completely serious, N smiled, feeling so light and... Happy. It was such a wonderful feeling. "I understand. Th-thank you, thank you. I'll do anything."
With that said, Ghetsis stood from his bed, making N feel even more uplifting when the bed shifted. Everything seemed so wonderful right now. It was like every single bad thing that ever happened was gone. This one thing, one tiny thing, his dream, it was becoming reality. It wasn't just a fantasy anymore, it was really happening. N's excitement couldn't be contained. As soon as Ghetsis closed his bedroom door, N shot up, racing toward his bathroom where he let Zorua out who jumped at his chest when he bent down to her.
"I'm going outside! I'm going outside! Zorua, it's really happening!" Zorua's tail wagged as she pawed at him and he hugged her. Happiness gave him so much energy. He felt like he could run and never have to stop.
Even doing lackluster things such as making his bed and picking up clothes felt fun. N had energy to spare, and he even danced as he cleaned, causing Zorua to hop around his feet playfully as she followed him like she normally did.
Everything seemed so much brighter all of a sudden. There was nothing bad about the world, N's world, everything seemed plain and simple and. Happy. Just happy. There was no other word for it.
N was happy.
As N cleaned, the day waned on, seeming so much faster than it usually did. Perhaps it was because he was having fun. It would've seemed weird to him, had he been viewing himself from a third person perspective, since he was not one to dance and sing as he did things, but he didn't care. All that mattered at that moment was going outside. He couldn't remember what the castle looked like, and it filled him with wonder and excitement knowing he would know very soon again. He would get to see the halls, more rooms, maybe even outside.
He absolutely couldn't wait anymore. After pining for this all of his life, after waiting for so long, to finally be told it would happen, N was beside himself.
After a few hours of cleaning, N's door opened and the doctor waltzed in. Cleaning had taken a lot longer than N realized. All of his dancing and singing and jumping around made it seem like minutes, not hours. But when the doctor entered, he stopped what he was doing and sat on his bed for his arm to be examined.
"Good afternoon, my lord. Have you been taking care of your arm?"
Still smiling, N nodded. "Yes. I've kept it dry and I haven't moved it like you told me."
As the doctor sat down next to N, he pulled up his small suitcase, popping it open to retrieve a pair of scissors. "I'm going to cut the wrapping off and then you tell me if it hurts to move."
N nodded, butterflies fluttering in his stomach as he waited. It would be really nice to be able to use both arms again. He waited patiently as the wrappings were cut, coiling onto his bed as they dropped. Finally, his entire arm was free and the splints were removed.
"There. Try straightening it."
Slowly, N moved his arm forward. It felt a little sore since he hadn't used it in weeks, but, it felt great at the same time. It didn't hurt anymore. He flexed his fingers, grinning as he moved his arm back and forth. "It doesn't hurt."
"That's very good, my lord. No pain at all?"
"No, I feel great. Thank you." The butterflies continued to swarm around his stomach and just when he felt like he couldn't get anymore excited, N did. Finally, he could hug Zorua properly and cleaning wouldn't be such a hassle.
He was about to propel himself off the bed and rush to Zorua who was wandering around next to his bookshelf, but the doctor nabbed his shoulder. "Your father asked me to ask you if you have already showered today."
How...odd. A little confused, N nodded. Already he could feel the excitement burning out. Just mentioning his father made him depressed and he hated himself for it. He'd been so happy the entire day, but then he remembered what he'd said earlier to him. For N to be allowed outside, he had to do whatever daddy wanted. It didn't quite register with him at first, but now he realized and it made his stomach drop with nerves.
"Good, then I won't have to make a second trip. Please settle back down, I have something to give you."
Now his confusion was turning to worry as the doctor rummaged around in his suitcase. N almost felt stupid for the way he behaved earlier, but it felt really nice to be happy for once. But, it was gone and he had himself to blame for it. It was his fault, always his fault.
A needle was withdrawn from the case and N could feel the blood drain from his face at the sight of it. The doctor must've noticed his expression, because he smiled. "Please don't worry, my lord. This is your father's request. It will only feel like a pinch, I promise. He says you need this. Please, give me your arm."
N froze, eyes glued to the needle and the substance inside it. "What is that." It was something he'd never seen before, so of course N would be a little worried about it. He'd been stuck with needles before and had blood drawn just to make sure he was healthy, but never in all his years was he injected with something before daddy visited. It wasn't the pain that made him nervous, it was what the stuff would do to him. It scared him.
Not answering and since N wasn't showing signs of moving anytime soon, the doctor grabbed his arm, turning it over and holding it out straight. "You have nothing to be afraid of, my lord. This will calm you down. It will be good for you, I promise. I fixed your arm, didn't I? There's nothing to be scared of."
N flinched when his arm was grabbed. Then his body reacted on its own. In one swift motion, he snatched his arm back and held it against his chest like the doctor just burned him. "NO!" And he hadn't meant to say it so loud. "N-no. I don't want it."
"Lord N." He didn't even look angry or annoyed, but N couldn't figure out his expression. Sadness? Pity? "It is alright, I promise you. I have to do this. It's my job, and I'm sorry to say you don't have a choice."
N knew that. It wasn't like he ever had a choice in anything. It made him angry at everything, but mostly upset. "Please." Begging wouldn't help, he knew that, but-
"I'm sorry. This is my job. This will calm you down." And N never had a choice. Giving up, he allowed his arm to be taken again before the doctor stuck him. It didn't hurt. But the thought of the fluid going into him was enough to make him nauseous. "See, my lord? It's already over. You'll be feeling the affects in a little while, so if there is anything you need to do, please be quick about it. You're going to get sleepy in a little bit. You must sleep."
But, wasn't daddy coming in? Why put him to sleep? N looked up, his stomach coiling again with that horrible feeling. "Why?"
The doctor sighed before he stood and grabbed his suitcase. "Because that's what your father wants."
Of course. It was always about what daddy wanted. Whatever Ghetsis wanted, he got. That's how it always was and will always be. With no more words to say, N nodded, staring down at his feet, not even acknowledging Zorua when she brushed against his legs.
"Take care, Lord N."
N continued to stare at his feet long after the doctor left. His room was already clean, but he didn't think he could've worked up the energy to do anything else despite everything when he began to get sleepy. Zorua's tail brushed against his legs and he pat the empty spot next to him on the bed. Zorua hopped up next to him, rubbing on him like a cat would. He rubbed onto her with his newly healed arm, trying to muster a smile, but he couldn't. Not like it mattered. It wasn't like Zorua could tell when he smiled and when he didn't. Still, he liked smiling at her, because she gave him comfort and happiness. She was his only companion after all.
The longer he pet her, the more drowsy he got, until N couldn't shake it away anymore. Cuddling Zorua in both arms, he lay down on his side, everything going black.
What registered next with N was a strange bouncing motion. He could feel himself slowly coming back to the waking world, and the small movement of going up and down was prominent. Then, something warm wrapped under his knees and back, supporting him. Was-was he being carried? Footsteps were then recognized, right below him. They echoed and echoed and were so loud, he wanted to cover his ears so he could sleep more, but. His eyes opened then, and immediately shut. It was so bright, they were already watering and hurt. But he opened them again, squinting, trying to figure out what was going on. Then, a face became clear.
Daddy? The lights above him were so bright, he couldn't take it. Only a blur of colors could be made out as he tried to keep his eyes open. Gold and blue. Gold and blue-and water? Definitely a fountain or something of the sort, just out of his vision. Where was daddy taking him? He tried opening his mouth to speak, but it was like his entire mouth was full of glue. All that came out was a soft moan, and Ghetsis looked down at him when he made noise.
He looked angry. Oh n-no, that was already a bad sign. Even still groggy, N could see the anger so clearly on his face and he felt his heart pound in his chest, his stomach twisting in horror. What was happening? He was so confused. He just wanted answers. Nothing was making any sense right now and it frightened him a little.
"You weren't supposed to be awake right now. Shit, the doctor probably didn't give you the right amount." ...What? Oh god, N wished he had pretended to be asleep. Daddy was mad at him.
Ghetsis shifted as he carried him when they came to a door. N was held tight against his father's chest when he pushed the door open with his foot, and N found himself incased in darkness once again. Ghetsis leaned against the door, shutting it, blocking out the light from outside.
N could hear his heart pounding in his ears. Little by little, he was waking up, becoming more aware of what was happening and getting more scared. Was he...outside just now? It was so bright, he couldn't make out anything but a blur of colors. But then, where was he now? Where had daddy taken him?
"I shouldn't have to put up with this." There was light coming from somewhere in the room, but all N could make out was a lot of red. Or maybe it was his imagination. N bounced in his daddy's arms as he was carried across the room, then he was placed onto something soft. With his eyes finally open and adjusting to the dimness, N saw that he was in a large bed. The walls were too dark to distinguish a color, but he could make out a desk in one corner of the room, a large bookshelf, a dresser, a nightstand next to him emitting a little bit of light with a tiny lamp on it, and another door leading somewhere else. It was built just like his room, the furniture was just placed differently.
Was this daddy's room?
N felt his throat tighten until it felt like he couldn't breathe. Why-why was he in daddy's room? Why- Daddy came into view and N felt himself physically shudder. Daddy still looked mad when he pointed a finger at him. "You are not to move. I'll be back. If you move, you're going to regret it, do you understand?"
He didn't understand what was going on-why was he here? Why was daddy-? He just. N slowly nodded, wanting to vomit again. This was scaring him. His lips were trembling too much for him to even speak, but daddy seemed satisfied with the nod and turned his back on him, crossing the large room where he began digging through a dresser.
N stayed where he was. He didn't dare move an inch. Breathe, breathe, he concentrated on remembering to breathe and ignoring his stomach hurting and his heart pounding and-breathe breathe. Be calm, it would be okay. He had to keep telling himself that. It would be okay.
The dresser was closed and Ghetsis turned back to him, holding something. N couldn't tell what it was from where he lay. "I still remember what you did last time, N. Do you?"
Breathe, breathe. N didn't know how to answer. Was it just a rhetorical question? He could never tell anymore. "I-"
"Which means I don't trust you. You disappointed me. But, you have been good the past few weeks, and I'm willing to be a little lenient with you." Closer and closer he walked until he was standing next to the side of the bed N was on. He could see now that his daddy was holding rope. N couldn't think. "Are you going to run again?"
No. No, no. It was loud in his head, but N couldn't seem to make the words come out. "I..." Nothing was coming out right and it frustrated him. He couldn't think, he couldn't-! No. "N-no sir."
Ghetsis smiled. "Really." He leaned down, almost smothering N when they kissed. Kissing should've been something normal. Daddy kissed him all the time, but N never got used to those lips on his, or his tongue coming out and licking his teeth. It was... He couldn't think. There was something wrong with everything, but he could never figure out what. Ghetsis inhaled his hair after he broke the kiss and it made N shudder again. He should've pretended to be asleep earlier. Something bad would happen, he knew it. Something bad always happened and N couldn't save himself. "I still don't trust you, N. I think you might run again."
N wasn't given time to respond, if he was even supposed to answer anyway, when daddy snatched up both hands, winding the rope around them and pulling them over his head where his wrists were bound to the railing of the headboard. N could feel the bile rise, but he bit it down. What was daddy going to do? What wouldn't he do, would've been a more appropriate thing to ask. Despite everything that had happened to him, N never stopped being afraid of new things. New things meant change and change always entailed misery when he had to learn something new for daddy. He just wanted everything to stop.
"Now." Ghetsis leaned off of him, standing straight as N stared at him. Would daddy hurt him? He could never stop wondering, he could never stop thinking about what would happen, because not knowing made him more afraid than anything. The fear of the unknown was worse than actually being beaten. "I think that will do for now. Even if you say you won't run, this will insure that." Ghetsis fumbled his robes for something. N stared with curiosity until he saw something shiny withdrawn, and then fear hit him like a slap in the face.
Terrified, N jumped, forgetting he was bound and crying out when he accidentally twisted his arms an awkward way. No, NO! HE WAS GOING TO DIE HE- He found his voice. "DADDY NO! NO, I'M SORRY! I-"
"Do you see, N? Look at yourself." As N struggled, Ghetsis positioned himself over his son until he was straddling him, holding the knife down low. "You said you wouldn't run, and now look at you. You're such a liar, N. This is why I don't trust you." Smirking, he held the knife upward. "If you keep moving around so much, you're going to make me cut you. You don't want that, do you, N? I can easily spill your guts all over this room with this, if you really want me to. This is your call, N. Calm down."
Calm down...Calm. N couldn't. It was strange to hear daddy say something like that, when he was holding a deadly weapon that could slice up N like butter. Seeing daddy hold something like that-N thought he was going to die. Tears welled in his eyes, but he blinked them away. No, no, if daddy saw him cry, he probably would kill him, then. "I-I'm sorry." Then what was the knife for, if not to kill him?
"You should be." With a quick flick, N's shirt was snatched up and the knife sliced through the front of the fabric, tearing it to shreds. Ghetsis continued sawing upward until N's shirt was ripped all the way in half, exposing his chest. It was cold in the room, and N was trapped. Plain and simple, there was literally no escaping this time, even if he did choose to run. Daddy was holding him down and he was tied to the bed. Nothing ever really felt this hopeless before, and it made N terrified.
Ghetsis leaned over him for a moment to set the knife on the nightstand to get it out of the way, then he moved back to N, staring at his naked chest that was fully exposed below him. "Let me ask you something." His hands trailed up the sides of N's stomach and he bit his tongue to keep from making noises. Daddy's hands were warm. "Do you even want to be king, N?"
It struck a nerve in him, long enough for N to forget he was being touched the way he was, a way that felt very dirty, and he was a little taken aback by it. The truth was, no. He didn't want to be king. It was a useless title he was going to be given that didn't even mean anything. He would be given no more power over his father than he had now. Daddy wasn't to know that, though. "Yes. I do." He sucked in air as Ghetsis's hands moved up his sides, over his stomach, over his chest. N never felt so vulnerable before.
"So you are still willing to be Team Plasma's king? When I let you out of here, you're going to take the crown, sit on the throne, and rule over this castle?" N had to stare at the ceiling past Ghetsis when his nipples were pinched. Ghetsis's words almost made him laugh. ...Almost. Authority and rule. What authority? Would N really be able to snap his fingers and have daddy stop everything he was doing? No, he knew that. N knew.
"Yes, Ghetsis. I want to be king." Even though it was a lie. A horrible lie. Maybe N's fantasy was too far-fetched, to be let out and then just run away. It seemed impossible, but the more he thought on it, the more he thought it could actually work. Once let out, he would search for an exit, and then make his move when nobody expected him to. Simple.
Leaning down, Ghetsis kissed him again, but N gave himself up this time. It always hurt less to do things Ghetsis's way. If he was happy, then N didn't suffer. "Why do you want to be king?"
Because.
N closed his eyes as he was kissed, not given a chance to answer. The room didn't feel so cold anymore. His arms were starting to ache from being held behind him, and he could feel his wrists chafing when he tried to wriggle in the binds. But still, daddy kissed him, licking the insides of his mouth and N made sure to keep his eyes slammed shut. He didn't want to watch when this happened.
Because daddy said so, was his first thought. From the start, it was all Ghetsis's idea. Become king and start the process of liberating pokemon from evil people. People who had hurt Zorua. Because there were horrible people in the world, people who only cared about themselves and it was N's job to save the innocent pokemon.
But since he didn't want to be king anymore, did that make him selfish? To get away from daddy and leave and not have to worry about the scary moments like this, N knew he was being selfish. He just didn't want to be hurt anymore. Why did that have to make him selfish?
"I-" Another kiss, this one swift before Ghetsis moved to his neck and sucked. "I want to stop evil people."
"You want to save creatures like Zorua? The ones who are being hurt?" His chest was sucked on, and N had to almost bite the blood from his lip to keep from flinching or cowering away.
"Y-yes."
"That's what I've been telling you all of your life, N. But." He leaned up, staring N in the eye before he brushed some of his hair away from his face. "The way you've been acting lately, it's like you don't even want this anymore."
N didn't know how to react. What to say, or do. Not that he could do anything, but- "I-"
"I mean, look at you. Didn't you promise me earlier you would do anything? You do remember saying that, don't you?"
N shivered, swallowing. What was he supposed to say? What did daddy want? "Ghetsis, I-"
"Look at you. You should see yourself." A single finger was slid across N's stomach and he shivered. "You flinch whenever I touch you. You're afraid of me, even though you said you would do anything, you're still trying to defy me."
"No!" No, no, no! This was- NO! N was going to ruin his chances of going outside! "I will! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I will do anything, please!" His voice softened, and even Ghetsis looked a little surprised by his outburst. Swallowing, N spoke again, fearing he'd made his father angry by raising his voice. "I'm sorry. I-I'll do anything. I want to be king, I want to go outside."
Ghetsis smirked, seeming to be amused by this. "You're going to remember what you've said, N." Before N could mull the words over, Ghetsis moved off of him a little so that he wasn't sitting on his legs completely, his fingers moved down to N's pants where he fiddled with the zipper. "You are beautiful, N. But, you can be the biggest fucking liar and that makes you ugly." N watched as his zipper was yanked down, and he moved out of reflex, but the ropes held him in place, and there was nothing he could do but watch as Ghetsis pulled his pants off.
It hit him then. What daddy had done those few weeks ago. Did N forget or was he just stupid? It only just came back to him, and he began to feel the fear shoot through him. Daddy had hurt him, he had hurt him and it made N terrified, because. Because he could remember now, he remembered it was worse than being hit, or punched or kicked or even bit. All he could remember was screaming when daddy told him not to, but he couldn't help it. There was no way he couldn't have held that in, even if he tried his hardest, because it hurt so much, it hurt, it was like his body had been torn in half.
Tears came, because daddy was going to do it again. And now N was completely trapped, bound to the bed, held under his father by both his body and influence. If N ran then he wouldn't go outside. But was the pain really worth it? He really, really didn't want to go through that again, he thought it was over, but-!
"D-daddy." N didn't realize when he said it, but his voice was shaking, his words spat out as he stuttered. He could almost literally feel his body dropping in horror as he watched his father remove his own pants. No, no, daddy was going to hurt him! Ghetsis's expression was angry when he looked up, but N couldn't think about making daddy happy right now. "Are..." NO! He just-! Make it stop, please, please, N wanted this all to stop. "What are you doing?"
Tossing his pants to the floor, Ghetsis seemed annoyed, and N could fully see his father now and it scared him. Daddy... "You're in no position to ask me that."
But.
N was in shock. This couldn't be happening, not again, not god damn again, not after he just went through this only weeks before. Why did this keep happening? He hated it, he hated it! Tears formed, and then fell. Daddy didn't seem to care about them. If N didn't know better, it looked like he was smiling, as if he liked it. "But. Why? I'm sorry. I just. I want to know."
It was stupid to ask questions, but N couldn't help it. And he deserved to know, more than anything. He at least deserved a reason.
Instead of answering him, Ghetsis reached forward, making N gasp when he grabbed him, and N flinched when he was squeezed. No, this wasn't happening. It couldn't be. It had to be a nightmare, just some sick and horrible nightmare. Slowly, Ghetsis rubbed up and down, and N felt-no. No, he didn't feel anything. "You want to know why, of all things. Haven't I told you that already, N?" As he spoke, Ghetsis continued to stroke him, and N shifted uncomfortably in his binds. His wrists hurt so much... "It's because you're a slut, N. You like it when I do things to you." ...No. N had to stare at the wall, at anything but daddy. "You like it when I hit you, when I bite you so hard, you bleed. You like it when I yank on your hair and throw you to the ground, because you're dirt. You're a slut who likes it. And you like this, too."
No.
No, N-just-no. No, no, no, he knew daddy was wrong. Why would he say those things? B-but. It did feel good. After awhile, after they stopped talking and Ghetsis stroked him up and down, it did, it did feel good and N hated himself for it. Because Ghetsis was right. But this was a different feeling than being hit or bit. N hated pain, and this wasn't pain.
If anything, it was worse, because it was a feeling, a good feeling that shouldn't have been associated with daddy. Daddy did not make him feel good, daddy hurt him. But steadily, N grew hard in his father's hands, and he wanted to kill himself for it, because it was just proving Ghetsis's point.
And when he pumped it just right, N felt a tingling sensation that made his eyes roll to the back of his head. No, this was wrong, it shouldn't be feeling good! Daddy should've been hurting him, not doing this. It was such a foreign feeling, but. It felt good, so good. And N couldn't deny it. He just wished Ghetsis would stop, because it scared him to feel this way, to crave more of this wonderful feeling, this feeling like no other. It felt like an itch that needed to be satisfied, and he hated it.
"Why are you hard, N?" Something warm oozed out, and coated Ghetsis's hands, only intensifying the feeling as he pumped. No, no! N didn't want this to feel good! At least make it hurt, please. Make it hurt. At least then, he wouldn't feel guilty for liking it. "Is it because you love this?"
"P-please." N couldn't take it anymore. If Ghetsis didn't stop, he felt like he would explode.
"Please what, N? Do you want me to do it harder?" Smiling, Ghetsis pumped harder and N let out a moan. O-oh god. His face flushed with shame. He was so dirty.
"N-no, please. No more."
"But you like it, N. You say stop, but your body likes it. You aren't beautiful when you lie."
God dammit, N was frustrated. He could feel his toes curl when the feeling became almost overwhelming. No! N was scared, he didn't want this! It wasn't right.
And then it stopped. And N absolutely hated himself for missing the feeling. Instead of stroking him, Ghetsis wrapped his fingers around him, making N wince. "I really hate it when you lie, N. Actually, I'm a little tired of hearing your voice altogether." Leaning over N again to reach his nightstand, Ghetsis pulled back the drawer on it and fished out a roll of duct tape, tearing off a small piece. "If you hate this so much, then don't cum." N wanted to cry when daddy held his face in place and stuck the tape over his mouth. He was shaking again, in shame and embarrassment. How could he let this happen? How could he let daddy do this to him?
Daddy moved back to the position he was in earlier, back to N where he began stroking him. N couldn't take it anymore. Now that the feeling was back, it was like the itch that needed to be satisfied was even worse. He felt starved for this, and he wanted more, he did, he wanted more. Small moans made their way out, muffled by his gag, and Ghetsis smiled.
"I'm surprised you've lasted this long, N. You're more durable than I imagined." Coating his hand in some of the precum seeping out, he stroked N harder, making him wince and moan over and over.
And then N felt the itch get harder, more starved than ever, it was like it was climbing higher and higher and-The feeling intensified, and N couldn't control himself. Moaning into his gag, he let himself explode all into his father's hands. It was a feeling of blacking out, of complete and utter peace.
It felt like nothing was wrong.
But, it didn't last. As soon as the amazing feeling came, it went, and N found himself sweating, breathing hard, coming out of the wonderful haze he was just in. As much as he hated himself for it, he didn't want it to end. In just those few wonderful seconds, everything felt okay.
But nothing was okay anymore. As he lay exhausted on the bed, breathing in and out, in and out, his father shifted below him, and in the back of N's mind, he knew what was about to happen. He couldn't prepare himself for it, mentally or physically, he knew that. Holding back the tears, he stared at the ceiling when Ghetsis held him up by his thighs and pushed into him.
It was just like last time. Exactly like last time. He was being torn apart and he screamed, the sound coming out as a stifled muffle through his gag. The wonderful feeling from earlier was shot down and forgotten instantly and N knew nothing was okay anymore. All there was was pain. That's all there ever was anymore.
When he smelled blood, N knew it would get a little better, because blood lubed his father as he moved back out, going back in. It was strange for him to be going so slow, but N hated it. He wished he would just get it over with, not torture him like this. Back out. Maybe the worst part was over, it still hurt, because he was bleeding, he had been ripped and sliced open, so maybe he was already growing numb. N didn't want to think about it, but he couldn't take his mind away. Pain kept him from fantasizing, it trapped him and made him deal with it. Back in. Pain, pain, searing hot, it made him forget to breathe, and he couldn't hold in the winces and cries he made.
Stop, stop, STOP, STOP! It was repeated over and over again in his head when daddy began to go faster, in and out, in and out, creating a rhythm. Instead of the slow, unpredictable thrusts, N could expect everything now, and he slammed his eyes shut, waiting for it to be over, just trying to breathe and wait. It was all he could do, because it hurt. Daddy began to moan, and N knew it wouldn't be long before it was over, even though it felt like it was lasting forever.
Then something he couldn't wrap his mind around, no matter how hard he tried. As daddy gained more speed, in and out, in and out, he reached forward, grabbing onto N again, and N felt like his entire body sunk with horror. No. Daddy began pumping him. No. N couldn't deal with this, NO! WHY? WHY WAS DADDY DOING THIS? N DIDN'T WANT TO BE HERE!
The feeling, the good and wonderful feeling from earlier began to slowly come back and N cried. He finally let it all out, sobbing uncontrollably when it began to feel good and he could ignore the pain and what daddy was doing. This wasn't supposed to happen. He was so... Daddy gripped him too hard, but N couldn't hold in the moan. It was good. A feeling so opposite to pain. It wasn't right, it wasn't- Harder, and harder, N could feel that amazing itch climbing, almost screaming in his ears, louder and louder.
Daddy moaned as something warm shot into him, and N couldn't control himself. He made involuntary noises, moans, choking, as he let himself explode, spasming onto the bed and arching back.
Wonderful, so good. That blacking out feeling made him forget everything. Pain. Being afraid. Nothing hurt, nothing was wrong. Daddy loved him. He did.
Daddy was leaning over him now, his expression foreign to N when he yanked the tape off his mouth. It didn't hurt that much. N felt numb. When the tape was removed, Ghetsis leaned down, kissing him again. N just wanted sleep. He was so tired, physically and...he just didn't want to do this anymore. He was tired of daddy.
Ghetsis retrieved the knife from the nightstand again, cutting the ropes from N's wrists. They were sore, but N didn't pay much attention to them. After the knife was put away once more, Ghetsis did what he so rarely ever did. Wrapping his arms around N's abused and exhausted body, he was pulled into him, held tight against his chest.
N could remember when Anthea pulled him into her arms like this. It felt warm and loving and...safe. This wasn't safe. This felt trapping, suffocating. It felt like he was going to be squeezed to death when Ghetsis hugged him. But, daddy loved him, right?
The last N remembered was being laid gently back down onto the bed, a blanket pulled over him, and daddy wrapping his arm around him as he lay next to him.
There were no more tears to cry, because this was love, wasn't it? This was daddy's love.
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