IT'S SHORT I KNOW AND I'M SORRY. I was rushed and just wanted to get it out to let you guys know I wasn't dead and 100% again since my surgery.

N was used to waking up with his room freezing. He didn't know why his room was always cold, or why Ghetsis insisted it stay that way. All he knew was that everyday since he could remember coming to this castle, everything was cold. Which is why when he woke up next to warmth, his mind screamed out to him that something was wrong.

As the haze of sleep left him and N opened his eyes, he wanted to shut them again, to assure himself he was having a nightmare. Just a bad dream that would go away when he opened his eyes next. Ghetsis's arm was slumped over his stomach, making N feel very trapped, and his face was completely peaceful. It felt strange seeing his father in such a position, completely vulnerable and not angry. He looked almost normal while he slept. N was used to seeing his brow furrowed, and his mouth glued into a frown. Not this. It was scary. Right now, N wanted to leave.

As he shifted, N felt a dull pain throb below him and he bit his lip to keep from wincing. The pain brought up horrible memories, but-N couldn't afford to think about them right now. Nothing was wrong, everything was going to be okay. It had to be, N had to tell himself that. Again, he moved his legs, the pain making it unbearable and he let out a small yelp. The noise brought his father out of sleep and N found himself staring into those red eyes once again. N wanted to hit himself for waking his father, but what would he have done anyway? Leave? Ha. N couldn't leave. He knew that.

Forcing a smile and ignoring the throbbing below him, N greeted his father. "Good morning, Ghetsis." The smile hurt, but N had to do it. If Ghetsis knew he was thinking terrible thoughts or even thinking of escaping, N would be hit. Because being hit meant he was a bad person. Ghetsis wasn't an unloving father or abusive. N was just a bad person who deserved it. He knew that now. Even if the thoughts of escape ran through his mind, N shoved them away. It was hopeless, so he might as well shackle himself to his life and live this way. Because daddy loved him so, so much. It all made perfect sense now. The pain he felt was love and he could smile because he was loved.

Surprisingly, Ghetsis smiled back, reaching over and stroked the sides of N's face. Ghetsis was nice to him. "You're such a good boy."

N beamed. "I'm sorry. Did I wake you?"

"No." As he spoke, Ghetsis sat up, the sheets dropping from his body and N felt his throat tighten with fear at the fact that his father was naked. Why did seeing such a sight make him afraid? N was so stupid. This was normal, completely normal. He shouldn't be scared, but he was. Once his father rose from bed, N tried to do the same, but the pain made him wince again and anger flashed through him. Why was this so hard?! It shouldn't be hurting this much, but he couldn't help himself. Slowly, he moved again, trying to ignore everything that hurt. His arms were sore from being held behind him, his wrists were chafed from being tied, and that searing pain under him made everything worse. But it was his fault. And he just had to deal with it. Because everything was okay, it was. Nothing was wrong.

Ghetsis entered the other door in the room, which N now discovered led to a bathroom, and the shower was turned on. With Ghetsis gone for the moment, N surveyed the room again. There were no windows, just like his room, but the lamp on the bedside table made everything bright. N's attention was focused on the bedroom door. Unlike his room, he guessed this door didn't lock from the outside. Ghetsis had the freedom to come and go as he pleased. N wished he had freedom like that. Maybe since he did this for daddy, maybe he would get to go outside now? Ghetsis did say if he did whatever he told him, he'd get to go out. And N tried very, very hard to do as he was told.

How easy it would be to stand and leave. Walk right out that door and into the world N craved to see so much. It was completely simple. Move. He shifted, trying to ignore the pain. Move, move. Sit. It hurt, god, it hurt. It was love, love hurt. Stand. His legs were like jello and refused to obey him. Just stand and walk. The door was right there. N could leave. He could run, he could leave this horrible nightmare behind him, if he really wanted.

And he did. He wanted that so much. So bad, he could almost taste it, because the door was right there. All he had to do was MOVE!

But.

Everything hurt. The memory from before when he tried to run came crashing back. Ghetsis would catch him, and N would be beaten. That's how it would happen, he knew. Despite his thoughts, he moved again, trying to stand, running on shear willpower and what little strength he had left.

His muscles ached from the strain and N fell back against the bed when he eased off of it. Stand. He couldn't. N couldn't stand. He couldn't walk out the door, because everything hurt too much. It hurt just to move. Not even physically, it was like there was a weight on top of him, keeping him held down, where he couldn't run. Where it wouldn't let him.

Tears came to his eyes. Because yes, yes, YES, HE WANTED TO LEAVE! N WANTED TO BE FREE! N wanted-!

He wanted Ghetsis to be gone. Please. He wanted daddy out of his life. Or. N wanted to be out of his daddy's life. It would be better that way, for both of them.

The tears fell, and N felt lower than dirt at that moment. Why lie to himself like this? He could tell himself all day long that things were really okay, but he knew the reality. Things were okay, but then they weren't. It was just a vicious war his mind waged over and over again until his head throbbed. The weight on his chest felt suffocating until he was choking on his sobs. Crying, crying, letting it out.

Because he couldn't stand and run away. Even when it was right there in front of him. Maybe if Ghetsis hadn't-maybe if nothing had happened last night, he could've mustered the energy and willpower to move. But he couldn't, and it crashed down upon him like a physical weight would, and it made his chest pound in agony.

There was no leaving. Ever.

Even if he had a plan before, what good would it do? Just pick up Zorua and leave, right? That had been the plan.

Ha. He almost wanted to kick himself for his stupidity. Not that he had to. Maybe Ghetsis doing this to him was punishment enough. N was so stupid. Really. What a waste of space he was. He wasn't anything but some used up piece of trash who let his daddy play with him like some toy that could be disposed of.

N was garbage. Used and expendable.

It hurt to cry now. With this pressure on him, this pain in his chest, he felt like he was going to explode in a fit of sobs, just to relieve the pain and let everything out.

Everything.

Because everything was over. Daddy had raped him, he did, N knew that. He was stupid, but he knew that now. Daddy had raped him. Daddy used him and beat him when things didn't go his way and N was going to die here. All alone.

No.

He was going to die with daddy. If this continued for the rest of his life, that's what would happen, he knew it. This would happen whenever Ghetsis wanted, and soon N would be grown up. And it would still happen.

He couldn't breathe. The tears on his face were hot and fell down his face against his will. He couldn't stop them, no matter how much he yelled to himself to shut up, daddy would hear, he would hit him. But that's what N deserved. He deserved to be hit for being so god damn stupid.

Placing his hands over his face to hide himself, N cried. It made him feel small and somehow safe, to hide. It was just a lie though. Like his life. But he cried and cried, letting everything out. He couldn't hold it in anymore, even if he tried. It felt good to let everything out.

Then the shower stopped. After some shuffling around in the other room, the door opened with a loud squeak and even though N was facing away from him, he knew his father was standing just mere feet behind him. The thought alone made him afraid, because he didn't want to be here, and he was still crying. Ghetsis would hit him. N let his hands down from his face, the room blurry through his tears.

"What are you doing?"

The malice in his father's voice was too clear and it made N's body stiffen with terror. The feeling should have been second nature by now. N should have been used to it, but he wasn't, and he knew he never would be.

"I asked you a question."

"I-I am-" And curse his stuttering. He couldn't help it. His brain refused to work when he was nervous. Every rational thought sank.

"Look at me."

N knew better than to disobey. Even with his face wet with tears, it was inevitable. Stupidity on his part, and if Ghetsis chose to slap him or kick him or bite him-then that was punishment N would have to deal with.

Turning, N tried to swallow, but his throat was too tight. The expression Ghetsis had at the sight of his tear streaked cheeks and bloodshot eyes was pure anger, as if N had betrayed him. Crying was forbidden, and N had done it anyway, knowing that.

In a blur of speed, like it happened in milliseconds, Ghetsis was on top of him, having shoved him into the bed, and N's body felt like it was on fire. Every ache from before, every sensitive area felt like his father just smashed it in and N screamed. N's head was slammed against the headboard and his face lolled to the side when Ghetsis slapped him. The pain below him was too much to handle, everything was. Crying, sobbing, screaming, N was slapped over and over, his father having straddled him at some point.

Ghetsis screamed at him as he slapped his face, punching N in the stomach when he held his arms up to protect himself. "YOU PROMISED! YOU PROMISED YOU PROMISED! YOU-" The rest of his words were drowned out by N's own screams as he was beat.

Even when he knew it was hopeless, N cried back out to his father. Trying to somehow, anyway, end this. "DADDY, I'M SORRY, I'M SORRY, DADDY! DADDY, I LOVE YOU! D-DADDY!" It didn't work. It never helped, and when it felt like Ghetsis would never stop, he suddenly backed off, his breathing rough.

N could tell he had another black eye, bruises on his face, his arms, scratches. Everything was a blur to see through the tears that fell still, this time from pain. His skin stung like he'd been thrown into hot lava. The momentary relief that should have been there wasn't, and there was no calm after the storm, only strain and horrible fear that... that daddy would finally kill him. And honestly, N didn't care anymore.

Reaching forward, almost like he read his mind, Ghetsis wrapped all ten fingers around N's throat, squeezing, squeezing, and N stared up into his father's face in horror. Out of reflex, his own fingers came up to try and pry his father's off of him, but it was no use. His father was very, very strong.

"You fucking-fucking shit." Squeezing harder, Ghetsis pressed onto N with his entire body, making it even more difficult to breathe and N could feel every cell in his brain screaming at him to do something, you're going to die! But he couldn't. He tried to scream, to scream as loud as he could in hope that someone passing by outside would come and save him, but all that came out was a choked gasp. "You think this is bad, N? After everything I've done for you? You aren't worthy of being my son. I should kill you right now." As he spoke, he picked up N by his throat and bashed his head back against the headboard, making N sob and choke, still clawing at his father's hands. "It's your fault. Everything is your fault. God DAMMIT, IT'S YOUR FAULT!" Again, N was slammed into the headboard, his vision going black, both from lack of oxygen and the pain. He was going to die, he was going to die.

"D-da...ddy..." He looked up pleadingly at his father, begging solely with his eyes to please, PLEASE STOP, HE LOVED HIM!

Ghetsis eased off, releasing his neck and N reached up, massaging the already sore flesh as he gulped down air like he was truly breathing for the first time.

He was still alive. Still alive. Wonderful air, filling his lungs, it never felt so beautiful before. And N was sorry, he was, he wa-

"Why did you have to do this to me." It wasn't said as a question. Ghetsis slumped back, his eyes focused on the folds in the blankets. He didn't even appear to be talking to N. "You're so beautiful, it isn't fair. You look just like her, too. Just fucking like her." Turning back, he stared at his son and all N could do was hold his throat protectively, like his father would strike again, and breathe, live, and wait for everything to go back to normal. Normal. "You have her everything." Reaching over, this time Ghetsis stroked his face. "Her long hair, her face, her eyes, her nose. She was perfect, and you are perfect."

N stiffened at the touch. To be touched tenderly after something so violent, it was enough to send his mind in a frenzy and he wanted to cry again, but NO! He couldn't, no, no, no, stop. Please, he couldn't.

Then Ghetsis bent down, kissing him. N remained absolutely still, his eyes staring straight ahead. Why was this happening?

Ghetsis's arms came up, touching him gently again, stroking the sides of his arms, moving up to his hair and running his fingers through it. It was scary how his daddy could be so horrible one second, then loving the next. "You are beautiful, N. You are. You are beautiful and perfect." He kissed his cheek, then his forehead, his fingers still playing with his hair. "You are my son. You are mine. Mine."

There was something about his father's words N couldn't wrap his brain around. Fear kept him from thinking clearly, but everything confused him, frustrated him, but the basic survival traits still surfaced. Even if he wanted daddy to kill him, when it actually began to happen, N wanted to survive, to leave, not to go out like this. It wasn't something he could control. Something just there, his inner instincts telling him to live, breathe, function as a human.

Ghetsis kissed him again, his body lying almost completely on top of him now. "You are mine. Don't you dare think any differently, N. You are my son."

When he lifted once more, everything felt the same again. Daddy wasn't angry anymore, N had been punished, and things would be okay again. But it felt even more hopeless than ever, from N's view. Staring up at his father, his hair wet and shiny from being washed, his body still dripping with water, his face calm once more, his hands still through N's hair.

Trapped.

N was trapped, and the way daddy spoke...he just couldn't handle it anymore. Tears clouded his eyes, but he didn't dare let them fall. There had to be a way to...he had to do something, to make things better. Anything.

So he smiled. Again, it hurt, it hurt so bad to fake that stupid smile, but he did it anyway. And when daddy's hand rested on his face, N reached up, touching it, smiling. "I love you, daddy, I love you." Please don't hurt him anymore, please, please. "I'm sorry, I was wrong. It was my fault. I'm sorry." Please, don't kill him. Please. "I love you, daddy." Let everything end. N would be a good son, he would love Ghetsis and do whatever he wanted, just please.

Don't let him hurt. Please make it so daddy wouldn't hurt him. N would be a good son, a son his father would be proud of. Let daddy love him.

Ghetsis reached down, kissing him again, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him up. N returned the hug, slamming his eyes shut so the tears would not fall. "I love you, daddy. I'm sorry." His voice choked when the words came out.

It was the final stage. If N had to do this in order to survive, he would. He was completely shackled now, shackled to daddy, loving daddy, doing everything in his power to please daddy and make him happy. Everything.

Daddy hugged him tighter, not saying a word.

When at last N felt like he'd been inhaling the scent of shampoo in his father's hair forever, they broke apart, Ghetsis staring at the floor before he spoke. "You should bathe."

N nodded, not speaking. His voice ached from screaming earlier and he needed to preserve it for later. If it cracked or broke when he talked, it would be unpleasant, both physically and he didn't need to think of horrible things anymore. Things would be okay, they really would.

As N tried to ease off the bed, he found the pain from earlier was losing its sting. Everything felt like a dull throb instead, but that was good. Anything to think of good things from now on, and N was grateful for it. While trying to move off the bed, Ghetsis stopped him by looping his arms under his knees and back, lifting him into his arms. It should have terrified N the way his father could be so strong, lifting him like it was effortless, but he felt shame instead. So scrawny, he was lifted with no strain. What kind of person was he to be weak like this? Was that even qualified as weakness? N wished he were big and strong like daddy. He could remember being young and looking up at daddy like he was a giant, and N wanted to be like that. The years were kind to him, he was already getting taller everyday, and maybe one day, he would be as tall as Ghetsis.

Moving away from the bed, Ghetsis carried him into the bathroom before placing him in the tub and N didn't question why his father thought it was necessary for him to be...coddled. If that were even the proper word for it. N stared at his toes when the water was turned on, washing over his feet and ankles, already making him feel more clean and comfortable. He wished Ghetsis would at least leave so he could wash himself, but that wasn't happening, he found as daddy poured some purple goop into the water, causing a strong scent to fill the air. N recognized the smell as the same stuff he was forced to wash his hair with, the really strong scent. Lavender? It always made him feel sick, but he didn't dare show emotion, even when Ghetsis picked up a sponge and began washing him.

It was degrading. For him, a 14-year-old boy to sit there in a tub full of bubbles and be bathed by his father. He could feel his cheeks burn in embarrassment, shame. Not that there was anything he could do about it. Everything he'd ever been through felt like this, though. Growing his hair out made him feel like a girl and he hated it. Daddy bathing him made him feel incompetent. Daddy raping him made him- Water was squeezed from the sponge onto his hair, and the scent was overpowering at that point. N wanted to vomit and rid his body of every horrible feeling from the nausea, to the embarrassment, to the awful thoughts he was thinking of daddy. It was his fault this was happening, so he just had to suck it up. At least he was being cleaned now, even if not by his own hands. And daddy bathed him like a parent would a toddler, grabbing his arms and forcing them up and telling him what to do. N had absolutely no control.

He was weak. For something like this, to be bathed and bossed around like this, he didn't feel like a person. Daddy already made him feel like less of a man by making him grow his hair out, but to be stripped of all power completely until he was ordered around, his arms and legs manipulated by daddy as he cleaned him, N felt like a dog. Lower than dirt, not even an animal. Not a person, definitely. Even physically while he was cleaned, he lowered his head, submissive, while daddy towered over him, continuing to move his body around like a puppet.

But no matter how many times that soapy sponge was dragged across his bruised and scratched body, it couldn't clean everything. It couldn't take back what daddy did. N was still used and torn, and that's the way he would stay forever. Just damaged goods.

At last the plug was pulled and N watched as the water drained away, the strong scent finally dying down. Though smeared onto his skin now, it was better than having it fill the air. Ghetsis lifted him again, as if N were incapable of walking period, but he didn't mind. Maybe Ghetsis knew he was sore and he was just making things easier for him? N could think that way. It was a nice way of thinking.

Daddy was warm next to him and even though N was naked and vulnerable, the warmth felt good. He was held close, and Ghetsis spoke. "Are you ready to go outside?"

He was a good boy. N was a good son. He smiled. "Yes, Ghetsis."

N finally fucking goes outside next chapter. I didn't mean for that to take as long as it did, but whatever. Actually, a lot of things that weren't planned happened in this chapter. Oh well. I gave you abuse, now I hold out my hands and beg for a sexy review.