Energy

BPOV

By the time I arrived back at Edward's apartment, my resolve was slipping. I realized that nothing happened between Edward and Tanya, but I was starting to wonder about other things.

In the past month, two different people had attempted to destroy our relationship. In just one month. The one month out of our entire relationship that we really spent together. I mean we were always together in the summer but we always had to keep it under wraps. This was the first month that we could spend together freely, without needing to worry about what other people saw between us. If this was just the first month, how many more of these things would we have to go through? Is this just a bump in the road that we had to get through, or will this be something we will constantly have to deal with?

I put my key in the door and slowly swung it open, expecting to see Edward jump out of somewhere and smother me with kisses. But there was nothing. Only silence. I walked towards the family room and saw that his jacket wasn't thrown across the chair like it usually was. That meant that Edward wasn't home.

My shoulders slumped and I walked into the kitchen to get some breakfast.

I was somewhat bothered by the fact that Edward wasn't home, but also grateful for some more time for me to think.

I opened the fridge to see that we had almost no food left. Leave it to Edward to wait until the last morsel of food is eaten to acknowledge that we are low on the food supply. I took a yogurt, one of the few items of food we had left and sat down at the island.

It seemed that the farther down into the yogurt cup I got, the worse my thoughts became.

By the time I got to the bottom, I had convinced myself that the best thing to do was to leave New York City.

Not break up with Edward necessarily, but leave none the less. Maybe we jumped into this living together thing too soon. I mean we were living apart for so long. There were many things that I still didn't know about him and many things I'm sure he doesn't know about me. I wasn't even sure if these feelings that we had towards each other would last. People always say that the whole physical thing wears off after a little while. Maybe it's just taking longer for us because we got in the game so late.

The whole Jake thing and then the Tanya thing…it's wearing me out. My emotional tank is pretty much empty. If that is what we had to go though in a month, what would the rest of the summer be like? Or the year? Or, dare I say it, the rest of our lives?

Did I really want to risk losing my family? I mean, sure my parents haven't always been the best. They haven't always been there for me or anything like that but if I lose them, all I really have is Edward. And if I lose Edward, then I have no one. I always promised myself that I would never allow myself to need anyone. I am far too close to needing Edward. If I allow myself to feel the need for him that I know I soon will, I am leaving myself too open, too vulnerable. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.

So I'm going to go home, back to Forks, and just think for a while, I guess. I need to figure out what I am willing to give up, and what I am willing to risk.

I threw my empty yogurt cup into the trash can and went into the bedroom. I pulled my suitcase off of the top shelf in the closet and threw it open on the bed. I had to leave before Edward got back, otherwise I may not be able to make myself leave. That much I know.

I grabbed everything that was hanging in the closet that belonged to me and threw it in the suitcase, not bothering to fold any of the nice shirts that Alice had bought for me when I first arrived here. I grabbed a shirt and a pair of sweatpants that landed on the top of the pile. I quickly stripped off my dress and shoes, changing into more comfortable clothing. I stuffed my dress and shoes, along with all of the other shirts, dresses, and shorts into my suitcase, pushing them down inside so that I had more room for the rest of my things. I had just grabbed an armful of shoes from the closet floor when I heard the door swing open and click close.

Shit. Edward's back.

I decided that if I just didn't look at him, maybe I would be able to make it out the door without crying. I had convinced myself that I was doing the right thing.

I could hear him calling my name and scuffling through the rooms of the apartment. Then his footsteps stopped at the bedroom doorway. I didn't turn to look at him. I didn't even move. I just looked down into my suitcase.

"Bella." He said with a relieved sigh. "I'm so sorry that I wasn't here when you got back. Alice just called me to say that you had left." He said softly.

He walked up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist.

"Oh god Bella, I'm so so-"

He stopped mid-sentence. I braced myself.

"Bella…What are you doing?" He asked sternly yet quietly.

I didn't move.

"Bella. What. Are. You. Doing?" He asked again.

The only thing that I could make come out of my mouth was a meek "What does it look like I'm doing?"

"Well, it looks like you're packing." Edward said roughly.

I didn't say anything and pulled out of his grasp towards the closet to get the rest of my shoes.

"And where exactly do you think you're going?" He asked.

"Home." I said quietly, leaning down to pick up a shoe I had dropped from my arms onto the floor.

"I thought this was home!" Edward spat. I could tell he was angry but he said it so quietly, I could tell he was hurt by what I said. By the time I turned around with the rest of my shoes, Edward had grabbed an armful of clothes out of my suitcase.

"You are not leaving Bella. I won't let you." He said.

I ignored him and walked back to my suitcase, putting my shoes in while he still stood there holding my clothes.

"Bella if this is about last night…"

"It's not." I cut him off.

"Then what the hell is it!" He asked.

I spun around, a little shocked by the anger in his voice. His face didn't look angry though. It looked scared, probably as scared as I was.

"I just don't think that we can live like this." I said quietly.

"What are you talking about?" He said, softer this time but still rough.

I didn't say anymore. I knew that he would try and convince me to stay. And it probably would work. I couldn't let that happen.

Come on Bella. Toughen up. Just get your stuff and leave. You are doing the practical thing.

I walked over to my suitcase and zipped it shut, deciding to just leave whatever Edward was holding. I pulled the suitcase off of the bed and it fell with a clunk on the floor.

"Bella!" Edward said his voice a little shocked.

I ignored him and pulled the suitcase out into the hall. Edward ran out behind me and went through the kitchen so that he cut me off in the hallway from the side.

"Bella, whatever it is we can work it out. You don't have to leave. And you're going back to Forks? Besides your parents, who and what are there for you Bella? Name one good thing that's back there." He asked, his eyes desperate. He was walking backwards slowly as I tried to push him out of the way.

I came to a halt. My eyes shot up at him. What is that supposed to mean? That my parents aren't enough of a reason for me to want to go home? That they aren't good enough? That they aren't important enough?

By the look on his face, he knew that he had made a mistake in saying that, and I took the opportunity to brush past him. I made my way to the foyer but stopped when I was about to reach for the handle on the door, hearing a noise on the floor behind me. I turned my head to see Edward on his knees on the floor with his head in his hands. I could hear him quietly saying my name. Then he finally looked up at me. He looked as if he was about to cry. I had never seen Edward cry before. I had never even seen his eyes well up before.

"Please." He begged, his voice cracking at every syllable, "Don't leave me Bella."

I could feel my eyes starting to well up, but turned my head back to the doorknob, where my hand was resting. I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to block out all thoughts of Edward behind me.

Turn the knob….turn the knob….Come on hand! Turn the damn knob!

The more I told my hand to turn the knob, the more it seemed I was unable to do so.

I started to think about the consequences if I did this. Two plans were laid out in my mind.

One; I could leave and go back to Forks, live with my parents, and probably end up married to Jake, living in Forks for the rest of my life.

Or two; I could stay here with Edward, with the man that I loved with all of my heart, my soul, and my body. And I wouldn't mind where we lived. Or how much money we made, or if we ever went back to Forks at all.

I could still hear Edward's whimpered mumbles behind me. I just couldn't block him out.

Now is the time to make the choice Bella. Play it safe, think with your head, and go home, or take a risk for once, think with your heart, and stay here with Edward.

My eyes stayed shut, my ears only hearing Edward as my hand dropped limply from the doorknob and my body leaned over to the right and fell against the wall.

I let my body slump down to the floor and hugged my legs to my chest. For the first time in a while, I openly sobbed.

I turned my body to see Edward still on the floor. I slowly crawled towards him, using every ounce of energy that I had left in my body to reach him. When I was about two feet away from him, he heard my sniffles and looked up at me. In a split second, Edward had pulled my body towards him and was cradling me in his arms.

He whispered my name, sprinkled with various 'I love you's' into my hair, as I cried into his chest with my arms in a death grip around his neck.

"I'm sorry" I cried.

I now realized that the actions that I had convinced myself to make earlier were impossible. When I had my hand on the doorknob, about to embark on a path that would completely change my relationship with Edward, as well as the rest of my life, I couldn't do it. I could not make my hand turn the knob. As much as I told myself to do it, I could not physically leave. I don't think I will ever be able to.

Edward didn't respond to my apology, he just continued to plant kisses all over my face. After a few minutes we both still hadn't calmed down. I think I scared him almost as much as I had scared myself. We soon both fell over onto our sides on the floor, holding each other until we fell asleep.

I held onto Edward like my life depended on it. I was a little frightened by Edward's hold on me, though. It was as if he was afraid that if he loosed his grip around my waist the slightest bit, I would slip away from him

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Energy-Keri Hilson