I'm sorry the recent chapter was so short, and this one as well. I'm stuck on writer's block. I'd like to throw bricks at writers block, but that's literally like fighting fire with fire.
Not helpful.
Ugh.
Magnus and Clary are fighting again.
Yes, I mean again. They were giving me a migraine. I'm trying to talk, trying to tell them to shut the hell up, but my throat's clogged up and I'm choking. Clary had come over to me, told me it was okay. That I'd be fine. But even I know I'm not fine. I've been crying myself to sleep the last few weeks, and I feel weak. No one but Clary and Alec and Isabelle have showed that they care at all. Maryes hasn't even said anything to me. I wonder how long it's been since Sebastian took me. I wonder if I still have the scars. I wonder if Clary's seen the scars. But she isn't here right now. She's at Simon's. What if Sebastian comes back? What if he hurts me?
I'm scared. I want my Clary.
-Jace
I can still feel the bruises.
It still hurts. I can still feel Sebastian standing over me with a knife, threatening me. I can still feel his boot colliding with my ribcage. I can still hear myself scream. I can still hear myself begging him to stop. He had said, "There are worse things than death, Herondale." I hadn't cared. But I know I should have. He was kicking me, punching me. I've been beat up before. But not every day for what—two months?- He had laughed every time I tried to get up. He had laughed every time I talked back at him. Every time I didn't respond to his question, he'd do something to me. I remember him harshly drawing a rune on my arm, making me feel like my insides were being torn out. I had screamed so loud, writhing on the floor trying to get away. Why was he doing this? Yeah, I killed him, but he came back to life. He ought to be grateful. Not everyone gets to be like Jesus and raise from the dead.
And yet it still hurts.
-Jace
August 4
I went to check on Jace today. He seems to be coming back. He makes small sounds, and it's like he's telling me, 'yes, I'm alive. But No, I'm not okay.' When I went to check on him today, Church followed me in. The stupid fat cat. Jace looked at me, as if he were shocked to see me. I can't blame him; I've been at Simon's the past week, because I just couldn't take Jace anymore. Simon was my escape now. Anyway, Jace was staring at me, and then Church. Jace scowled. He scowled. I know that's not a good thing, but he hasn't been showing any emotion for the past two months, and now he scowls. At a cat.
Only Jace scowls at a cat.
My Jace.
~Clary
August 10
Jace has been processing what I say. He's been trying, I can tell. When I say something to him, he tries to understand. I know he does. It's slow, and sometimes it takes half an hour for him to answer, but he tries. I asked him if he wanted something to eat today; a few minutes later he shook his head no. I've tried to spend more time around him, but he probably hates me. Anyway, I'm not afraid anymore. I guess Clary's been making progress. I want to tell Jace that I'm sorry. I'm sorry for not doing anything when he needed me.
I'm sorry.
~Isabelle
August 15
So Isabelle told me to go see Jace today. I can't say I didn't want to. Another episode of 'Housewives of New Jersey' is going to kill me. And Magnus keeps trying to get me high! Anyway… I went to see Jace today. He was looking bored out of his mind, even though he's not… better yet. He saw me go into his room, and he just ignored me. I guess that's what I get for pretending he didn't exist ever since we found him. I'm sorry. I really am. Will he forgive me? I really hope he does.
After all, he's my parabatai.
-Alec
August 18
I came back to the Institute today after visiting Simon. I went to see Jace, and he smiled when I went to his room. Isabelle says she and Alec have been keeping an eye on him, and Jace seemed to be annoyed by that. But anyway, he's been getting better. I got him to sit up, and he didn't protest. He looks pale, though. I want him to go outside for a bit, but he won't listen. I just ended up opening all the windows in his room and letting in as much air as possible. Jace seemed pretty amused by the sight of me running around in my pajamas opening all the windows in his room. Jerk. But I'm laughing as I write this. Jace is healing. He's much better.
My hopes are getting higher.
~Clary
August 20 , 9:30 pm
I haven't checked on Jace since Magnus and Alec brought him home. I don't know why, maybe it's because the Jace I knew was always so strong, and never let anything get to him, and now… I'm devasted by the sight of how broken he is. My son. My blond haired, self-centered, teenage son has been broken.
Broken.
I swear, by the Angel,
That I, Maryes Lightwood, will do anything possible to kill Sebastian.
August 20 , 10:00 pm
Well, well. I see that Jace is doing well. Can't have that, can we? I think I'll pay them a little visit soon. Hmm…
Very, very, soon.
Review and I'll post soon :)