August 24

I don't know. I really don't. I thought Jace was finally going to be okay. I thought he was going to be back on his feet and walking and laughing and being an annoying ass again. But he isn't. Just yesterday he was lying in bed, and I left for just a little bit. When I came back… I saw him, you know. He was there. Lying in a pool of blood. I thought he was gone. I don't know what to do, I'm so afraid. That bastard Sebastian found him. He found us, and he attacked Jace. I swear on the Angel that when I find Sebastian, I'm going to kill him. No mercy. Only death. He can't do this to us. No. I won't let him leave us like this.

I'm going to stop writing now.

This letter has too many tear stains on it.

-Clary

August 28

Why is this happening?

WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!

I'VE LOST IT. I've lost it, haven't I? I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! I wish Jace would just do something. I wish he'd just react. I yelled at him today. I just got so frustrated. I was talking to him, and I was trying to get him to react to a memory. I was telling him how I felt the first time we kissed. I still remember. After all this time, I do still remember. It's been so long since that day. That one day that changed my life forever. I think change can be good though, you know? Some change is nice. Like the change that should happen now is Jace's healing.

I just wish that this change would happen sooner.

-Clary

September 4

So basically I've broken up with Magnus, had to hunt with Isabelle and taste her cooking for a week, and I've been parabatai-less for about a year now. My life sucks. Just putting that out there. I hate everything. What am I supposed to do? Hunting isn't the same without a condescending jerk daring you to get yourself killed. It's just more boring. I miss Jace a lot, and I don't mean that kind of miss like, oh Jace, I love you! No. It's that kind of yearning you have for a really close friend when you haven't seen them all summer, you know? I wish you understood. But with Magnus— I loved him. I made a mistake. A stupid mistake that I should have never done. I'm so stupid. This isn't fair.

But then again, life is never fair. I'll try to get on with my life.

I won't tell anyone about my cutting.

I'll hide it.

-Alec

September 16

I tried to get Jace to talk to me today. I tried so hard. I stroked his hair, fed him whatever. Nothing worked. But on the bright side, he reacts to me now. When he sees me, he really sees me. Like, he smiles a little. I don't want to think he's getting better though, because that last time I said he was better, and that ended up with Magnus healing a broken ribcage and me cleaning blood off a mattress and sheets. Anyway, on a different subject, I'm starting to get really moody. It's like I'm going bipolar. Also, I've been noticing that Alec stopped talking. He isn't really eating much either. I never really liked him, but I hope he's okay. I don't want him to turn into a broken mess like Jace has. A broken mess. It sounds so crude, but it's the truth. Jace is a broken mess, and maybe he won't ever be repaired.

I hope that doesn't happen

-Clary

September 20

Clary's been really upset the past few days, and I guess I know why. I look at her and I think, 'that's pathetic. She cares so much about someone who might not even make it.' But I guess that's what true love is. When you love someone, you do anything for them, and you'd burn down a world for them, thinking that it was good, because when you love someone you're brain just blocks out everything that's wrong about them and sort of just directs you to that place where you just know. You just know that you want them to be happy, and those thoughts make you do stupid things. It's that danger that your parents warned you about as a kid. It just engulfs you in something that you can't explain.

Why am I talking about this?

Because I have nothing else to talk about. Because Simon and I aren't in love. Because Alec isn't in love anymore, and I know he's going into depression. Because of every single thing that has happened so far in this past year, and it's just too fucking much. I can't take it anymore. I can't take not having a brother anymore. This isn't what's supposed to happen.

I don't want to live like this.

-Isabelle

I think it's June, or maybe it's September. Or October. I don't know.

I've been trying to do something with my nerve system. Make it do something like FUCKING REACT TO CLARY BECAUSE SHE IS TALKING TO ME, but NOTHING IS HAPPENNING. I'm just frustrated. I ended up crying into her shoulder yesterday because I broke again. I don't want her to see me like this, so weak and almost dead. This isn't me. I don't want to be like this. I want to et better.

I'm trying to get better.

-Jace

September 22

I spent the entire day with Jace today. I just sat next to him, watched him sleep. He's peaceful when he's asleep. That's good, because he's hardly ever okay when he's awake. He just thrashes around and screams until he can't, or he just lies there. I can't bear the thought of losing him. I love him. I love him more than he knows.

We need a miracle.

A big one.

-Clary

So yeah, I finally decided to update, because of Katey, thanks. Writer's block has gone away. The next chapter will be at least have 1k words.

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