Below the salt

She hasn't looked at me once. Not once. I should be over the hills, knowing that she's just ignoring me instead of making my life a living hell. But I'm not. By not looking at me, it makes it impossible for me to know if her hatred for me has increased or not.

That night has still not been acknowledged.

I wish I could explain myself, tell her how it was all an act to help her, not use her.

My voice is still intact, but when it comes to her, I can't seem to make it work.

I need to see her eyes first. I need her to give me an opening, some kinda emotion, but she's not giving it to me. I don't know how to approach her when I don't know how she feels.

I don't even know if she remembers.

She wasn't around when me and Glen came back that night. I never saw her the day after, both of us residing in our own separate rooms. Me in mine because of pure fright, her in hers because of a hangover. I wish it was the other way around.

That's the first and probably the last time I'll ever envy a hangover, but the knot in my stomach that day felt so much worse. I wished for a headache, I wished for nausea, anything to occupy my mind, anything.

The next day wasn't better. We were both forced out of our rooms, forced to meet one another.

Sunday dinner.

I used to love them, I still do, but that particular Sunday was horrific. Not because something happened, but because it didn't. Nothing. She never glanced my way, she never glared, never grumbled, never nothing. She just sat there like I wasn't there. Like I wasn't a part of the family. Like I didn't exist.

I still don't seem to exist.

This morning, on our way to school, Spencer actually acted civil. There were no glares, not even directed at Glen which is usually the norm.

It was like I wasn't there.

"So, Spence, I heard Madison is throwing a huge party tonight, are you going?"

Glen's looking in the rear-view mirror, trying to gain his sister's
attention. I can't see her expression, but her voice seems tired, but friendly.

"Like I have a choice, Mads will go crazy if I don't show up. I swear that girl is like, in love with me or something. Ew, no, I did not say that...!"

Glen is laughing, and I wish I could see Spencer's face, see the grimace on her face as she utters that last line. I don't laugh with them, knowing it's not appropriate. I'm not a part of their banter, and therefore I'm not supposed to impose.

"Anyway, yeah I'm going, I'm supposed to hang with Brendan, he's been stomping after me for months, and Mads just won't stop her match-making before I at least try him out."

Spencer mutters the last part of her sentence sarcastically, and I'm not sure if there's a smirk or a cringe on her face. Just like I'm not sure what expression is mirrored on mine.

"God, Spence, isn't it about time you just pick one already, I hate being the brother of the slut...! And Brendan's on the team, I really

really don't want the details of yournight with him...!"

Glen is making the most ridiculous disgusted face, and although I know I'm breaking the unwritten rules of this conversation, I can't help but giggle.

"Gleeen!" is said exasperatedly from the backseat, as the owner of the voice just ignores my entry to the conversation, followed by a hand smacking him across the back of his head.

It's the first real proof of their relation to each other.

It's the first time I've seen them banter like real siblings,

and it's the first time I realize that maybe it's been this way all along, that maybe

Iam the reason they seemed so distant.

That

Iam the obstacle keeping them apart, keeping them always at an arms length away from each other.

Maybe Spencer wasn't the trigger of the tension in the house.

Maybe it was me all along.

I'm under my bed.

Yes.

Under my bed.

Glen's trying to locate me, and we're not playing hide and seek.

I'm hiding from him, and his stupid invitation to the party tonight.

Oh, who am I kidding?

It's not the stupid party I'm afraid of, it's the fact that Glen and
Spencer is going together. As siblings. And my previous revelations is keeping me from joining them.

And let's not forget the fact that it's Spencer going too.

Because of my fright of Spencer, mixed with the eerie feeling I have of me destroying their relationship, I'm content on staying under this bed until they leave.

No suck luck.

"Ashley! Why the hell are you under your bed? Don't even think that you're getting out of your obligation to assist me to this party! I have no date! I can't show up with just Spencer, she's my sister!"

He's dragging me by my feet out from under the bed, I at first desperately try to hold onto something, but unfortunately, my nails aren't sharp enough to dig into the floor.

I turn around on my back when he's got me fully out, and give him the best scowl I can muster.

"Have you just suddenly forgotten that I'm your sister too, hm?"

He's looking at me weirdly, before ignoring my comment for the time being.

"Look who's suddenly become one feisty young woman here, I don't remember her moving in just a few months ago...!"

He's grinning at me, while reaching out to help me up from the floor. He continues,

"I like it though, make you more...interesting"

He winks at me, and drags me completely up to his level, a little too close to him.

I stumble backwards, not wanting to invade his personal space (or mine), and sit down gruffly on the bed, crossing my arms.

He looks at me, grin replaced by concern, and I have to do something to not make him worry. I know I can't tell him what's really bothering me, he's gonna feel guilty, I know it. And not just that, he's gonna try even more to unite us all as a family, and I don't want that, I don't want anything to be forced.

So I do my best at overplaying annoyance, blowing the loose strands of hair out of my sight, and muttering something about 'not having anything to wear'.

It doesn't take more than 5 seconds before he's sitting down beside me, an arm comfortingly around my shoulder, he knows there's something up. Surprisingly, he doesn't verbally acknowledge it, probably hoping some shown affection will do more good. I smile, 'cause he just seem to know me, he gets me.

"It's not a prom, Ash, it's just a stupid party, we're all gonna be so drunk that no one is gonna notice what you wear anyway! Just loose those sweatpants you're wearing and get some jeans on, it's not gonna take more than that."

I search my mind for another excuse not to go, and as I'm about to voice the best one I can think of, I turn and look at him. His blue eyes emits such warmth that I can't help but oblige.

And I can't help but regret it 1 minute later, when Glen has left the room to let me change.