Can Of Worms
I'm back at hiding. I'm back at avoiding the girl who's settled down inside my mind and refuses to leave. It might have not been that unpleasant if the version of her inside my head didn't constantly tell me she doesn't like me, that I don't have a chance in hell. That I'm merely a bug, something annoying that she barely endures the presence of. This constant reminder of my unrequited affection is tearing at my insides, is weighing me down.
All the confusing actions, the contradicting reactions should not make me crave her, should not make me want her even more. But it does, the evil that seems to lie within her luring me in with its call of seduction, its torment on my senses.
I'm hurting. I'm aching for her, aching because of her. Maybe if she never showed me those twinkles of a good side inside her, then maybe it never would have happened. Maybe I would've still been totally oblivious to her beauty, maybe I would've still been happy and not constantly wondering where she is, what she's doing, who she's doing it with.
It's like a never-ending punishment, whenever I seem to shake the thought of her from my mind, something happens, something is seen, something to send me rocket-fast right back into this sea of tar that is biting at me. This sea of things that remind me of her.
It is especially those moments where she shows that sharp, selfish side of her that kicks me so much harder than anything else. How can I pine, crave, long for someone with such a harsh and unsympathetic side of themselves? I wish I could blame some childhood memory, some complex forged by my more or less harsh past, but that's to put the blame on something but myself. That would be to give credit to my past, to make me weaker than what I've encountered in this life. And I know I'm not.
I know I'm stronger than the vicious forces of life. I know I'm stronger than to be subdued by what surrounds me more than to what lies within me.
All the punishment sent my way for those actions who were created within me instead of those outside of me will not bring me down, will not kill me. I'm in its chokehold, but I'm not letting it steal my breath.
Sure, I've had weak moments. Moments where I promised to not only give my first born but also myself just for the sake of not feeling this hurt inside me anymore.
But the promises have all been broken, I've still not thrown myself away, I still haven't killed the spirit within me.
And I don't think I ever will.
However much morals and expectations tell me to not like this person of foulness, I can't help but feel within me that this isn't who she is. That this person she's projecting to us on the outside is not the same she's living with inside of her.
--
I thought I had given up. I wish I had given up by now, that I could believe
those deceiving voices inhabiting my head telling me that she is what she projects. But I can't shake off the feeling of being lied to, that I'm gonna miss out on something unmissable if I let these voices win me over.
It doesn't help that I'm watching this girl in question huff and groan in exertion as she's dragging her cheerleading bag after her into the driveway before plopping down on the porch in over-dramatized weariness. It's fun to watch, cause there's evidently no one watching her but me, and she still hasn't spotted me. It is when she lifts her head up and leans her body backwards on her elbows that she takes a glance in my direction, where I'm swinging back and forth lightly on the swing in the garden. When she spots me, I can't help but look down, avoid her gaze.
But when I look up at her again, she's the one to let her gaze down.
And I'm intrigued.
I thought I was the only one who got nervous, I thought I was the only one who blushed in shame at the lingering gazes being thrown around. But then again, I know I'm making assumptions, I know it's all wishful thinking, it's all imagined. The look she threw my way was nothing but a curious one, a shallow, 'who's on the swing' kinda way without any deep meaning or reason. I'm merely imagining that she could ever look at me for a tad longer than what is normal, that she could also get nervous and embarrassed when our eyes meet.
And this is the reason why I leave this situation, this faraway interaction with a girl that is anything but healthy for me.
--
It wasn't easy to pull this off. To leave the house without being spotted, without any question being asked why I was going to the gym without Glen by my side.
Usually, I would've thrown hints around the house that I wanted to go to the gym. Maybe lingered a bit in Glen's doorway, maybe casually fingered his boxing equipment in the corner of his room. Since I still haven't gotten over the whole 'afraid to ask someone for something' syndrome, I've become a master at giving hints, small actions for people to pick up on and act on. I sometimes waited till Glen would walk past me before tying my jogging shoes, knowing that he would probably join in with me, which would later lead to him asking if I wanted to go to the gym with him. In the beginning, these actions were nerve-wrecking, the thought of my hints being overlooked, ignored. Then they became a pattern, something that would become a special gesture between the two of us, the silent understanding that bound us together.
This last week though, I haven't been participating in these actions that I once treasured.
I know he's noticed, he's been more quiet, more reserved than he used to be. He's not as happy-go-lucky anymore, his inclusion of me having slowly wavered. I know it's not his fault, I know he doesn't want to exclude me from anything, he's just doing what he does best; read me. He knows when he's not welcomed, and lately, I've been projecting a weird vibe whenever he's been around and he's been picking up on it.
We still eat lunch together by the jocks table, he still banters with me in the car on our way to school, he still puts in my favorite TV game when I choose to join him. The most prominent difference though, is that he's not as touchy anymore. He doesn't hug me or lean on me like he often did, his affections have stopped occurring in situations where they were usually present.
I still haven't blown off our kick boxing workouts though, so when I today chose to not include him on one, I had to be stealth, to not make anyone suspicious. Thankfully, I didn't encounter anyone on my way out the door, and when I'm around the first block towards the gym, I finally release the shaky breath that's been residing in me since I left my room.
When I finally enter the gym, I'm filled with a mix of emotions, one being relief at finally getting the chance to be here by myself, and the second being an agonizing fear of Glen finding out I'm here without him. Guilt washes over me, but I instantly choose to dig it down, to burn the air that is filled with it. I'm finally here, I'm finally on my own so I'm not gonna ruin it all by unwelcomed thoughts.
--
He's been looking at me with a smile in his eyes, his expression one of softness, of charm. It's not the first time I've seen him around here, he's a regular just like me and Glen. He's never approached us before though, so I'm surprised when he knocks himself down on the bench I'm readjusting my gloves on.
"Hey girl, you do know you're not going to be able to tighten your left glove once you're finished with your right, right?"
His smile is playful, the cockiness one I've seen present in Glen on several occasions. I choose to just give him a slight smile before I continue the task at hand.
"You know you can just ask me to tighten it for you, you know, there's no need to act like you're not struggling."
His laughter finally releases itself, only increasing when he sees the annoyed and concentrated look on my face. I'm totally failing at exactly what he told me I would fail at, and I'm not too keen on letting him be right about me.
"Okey, then I'll just let you do it on your own..!"
His smile is still present on that smug face of his, arms stretching on the back of the bench. I will not give him the satisfaction of being right, I will not-...
"Okey, guy, will you please help me with it?"
It surprises me how much venom that fills my voice, never one to show any harsh emotion to anyone. His face doesn't show any surprise though, as he probably expected such a response to his teasing.
"It's Aiden, and who is this feisty little girl?"
That whole sentence shouts non-romantical motives behind his approach, and the tense feeling he invoked in me disappears. Not only is it a sentence with the word 'little girl' in it – a word I hope no one calls their love interest – but it's also pronounced with such teasing qualities that it could just not be a sentence meant to woo anyone.
"Ashley", is all I say before the glove is properly attached to my left hand after Aiden's lame attempt at helping me. It ended up with me giving it a last try and managing it without his help. It didn't seem to unphase him though, as he walks over to his side of the gym in a proud way without saying anything more.
I go back to the punching bag, feeling oddly intrigued by the guy several feet away from me. It's nothing like the intrigue that fills me whenever I look at Spencer, the tremor that runs through my veins whenever the mere thought of her takes me over. It's more a curious intrigue, completely devoid of affection and fascination. It's the fact that he made me act like I wanted to. I never thought I would actually speak with venom even though I sure would've thought it. And it's the uncertainness of it being him or just the setting that made me act out the annoyance I felt.
Therefore, I'm on a mission when I let my eyes wander into his corner every now and then, never seeing him meet my eyes even once. My regular approach will not be enough this time – shy glances and pathetic hints will not make him approach me again, will not make him do everything I want him to. He's challenging me, daring me to do something I do my best to avoid. He's like the complete opposite of Glen, and in this moment in time, I couldn't be more thankful.
Glen is nice. He's supportive, helpful, always there at my command. His pace is similar to my own, he never pushes me, never challenges me. I don't need to force something out of me when I'm around him, there's no trace of dare present in his questions, he's understanding, he's safe.
He's exactly what I should never have.
I'm not blaming him for anything. He's not at fault for my weakened resolve, his understanding nature has helped me feel safe, feel comfortable.
But it hasn't helped me grow.
His kind nature has made me more at ease than I've ever been before, and I'm forever thankful for that. It is the fact that he makes me feel stiff, unmoving mentally that is the problem. The safe haven he provides doesn't make me thrive, doesn't make me change into a more confident person.
And that's exactly what Aiden's challenging me to become.
The eleventh time my eyes glance in his direction, he finally meets my gaze, a
wee smirk present on a smug face. I could've blinked and missed it, but I didn't, I saw his awareness of my attempts in the way his lips quirked slightly upwards, the stake being raised higher.
And I finally act.
--
I should've used the shower at the gym, I should've been changed and unsuspecting when I got home to the Carlin's, but I somehow forgot it. I forgot to be careful, to think ahead of time. I wanna blame Aiden for dragging me with him on a jog home, but I can't. 'Cause he wasn't the one to ask.
"You're good."
"I know."
"How long have you done this?"
"For years."
"Why?"
"'Cause I like it."
"You should."
"I know."
Silence.
"We should, uhm, maybe train together sometime. Since we're both here regularly."
"Glen's not enough for you?"
Silence.
"We should."
Breath finally releasing from within me.
"Anyway, I need to run, late for work."
"Where do you live?"
"High Street."
"Can I tag along?"
"Ofcourse."
--
The way back in without getting caught wasn't easy. Nor successful. Breath
hitching louder and faster than normal – feet hitting every squeak present in this house – I should've expected to be seen, to be caught. Still, it surprised me when Glen's frame appeared in the living room doorway, his eyes filled with shock, disappointment, anguish. No words could ever explain to him why I left without him, why I excluded him from something we always used to share. So I broke the stare between us, cast my gaze to the stairs before trudging shamefully up the remainder of them.
The process of undressing is filled with these memories, of what this day has had in store for me. There's a sad mixture of pride and shame filling this bathroom I'm soon to be standing naked in.
With every garment that leaves my body, I feel more and more emotionally stripped. With only my undies left to be taken off, I feel wetness filling my eyes but I push it back, I push the tears that's threatening to appear back inside where they came from.
I'm not even sure what I would be crying for.
Therefore, I suck it up while I strip myself of the last clothing on this fragile body of mine. Entering the shower seems harder than usual, the gush of water not as comforting as it usually feels. My body feels heavy, worn out, and I wish it was only from exertion. I wish it was just physically, just a normal weariness after a heavy workout.
But it isn't.
It's a constant reminder of the events of this day, of how this day has played out before me. Of these personal steps forward that only sent me several steps backward with Glen.
I don't know how to fix this.
And the voices being heard from the room next door doesn't help me in my vain attempt at finding a cure, a something that will repair the broken bond between two people that seemed to need eachother. Two people that happens to be me and Glen.
"She's just... being really weird lately, and I don't know what to do about it."
There's no trace of doubt in my mind that that voice belongs to Glen, the light, squeaky nature of it telling me he's visibly upset.
I happen to miss the reply to his sentence, and feeling curiosity seep into my every pore, I gently lay my head into the wall, close my eyes, listen.
"I don't want her to push me away, today she even went to the gym without me..! She's never done that!"
"Maybe it's healthy that she does things on her own. You know, she can't always rely on you, it's not healthy for either one of you."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"You're practically smothering her, Glen! She's not some lamb that you can just
pet and take care of, let her be her own person for God's sake.."
"...when did you suddenly start defending her?"
"I'm not defending her."
"Oh, so speaking up for her on Sunday wasn't you defending her? Please.."
"I wasn't!"
"What's up with you two lately anyway, I thought you hated eachother?!"
"Nothing's up with us, what are you talking about?"
"You used to loathe her and suddenly now you're speaking up for her?"
"That's because you asked me to!"
"I asked you to be nicer to her, not suddenly her protector!"
"Oh, so you're afraid your being replaced, huh? Afraid of losing the power you have over her-.."
"Now you're being ridiculous..."
"You're obviously in love with her!!"
There's a deafening silence overtaking not only the room next door, but also the shower I'm residing in, my ears burning after the words hit them.
"...what?"
"I see the way you look at her..."
"I'm not-..."
"Sure Glen, keep telling yourself that, cause you're the only one believing yourself."
The voices have calmed down, and I can only faintly hear them, my mind working so fast that the words being spoken are almost missed.
"Look, Glen, I know, okey? And I don't care, love her for all you want, just know that you can't act on it. She's supposed to be our sister, how do you think mom and dad are gonna react?"
"Well, if she's supposed to be our sister, then why are you being the biggest bitch to her?"
"We've already had this discussion-..."
"Yeah, and what answer did you have? Please Spence, I've heard your stupid
excuses too many times, save it for someone who believes them."
And with that, the door slams shut, the house turns silent, and we're all suddenly alone. Alone with our thoughts, alone with our confusion, alone like the day we left our mother's womb.