Cuddles to all who review, now and at a later date. If anyone's wondering, it is meant to alternate between first person and third person. First person for the present, third for the past. This is mainly because Jahar feels so detached from the past that it's like she's watching another andalite doing those things, whereas everything in the present feels far more real and immediate. I always thought Jahar had one of the saddest stories in K. A. Applegate's universe, so that is why I'm writing this.

Chapter 3

After having actually made the decision to go to Earth I could have found enough things to prevent me to last a lifetime. I had no ship, no crew, no idea of how to get there and no plan once I did. There was no way the Andalite command was ever, ever going to sanction what was most likely a suicide mission, so I could not use official channels to get anything I needed. Which was a little difficult, considering the fact that all my friends and connections who might have been able to help had gradually melted away over the years. To be honest, the only thing left to me was immediate family, the one set of people who could not disown me.

It was tempting to give up almost immediately. I had spent years and years in inactivity and lassitude, waiting for events to happen without lifting a finger to aid them. Coaxing myself to life took effort, but now that I had reached my resolution the knowledge of it burned like a glowing ember inside me, activating me, forcing energy into my limbs. I barely slept that night, and in the morning was so full of nervous energy that after completing the morning rituals, I had to extend my usual gallop.

I tackled Farling first, my son. He was staying at home, on 'extended leave'. It had now been extended for three seasons. He was duelling a hologram when I returned from my morning gallop, but switched it off when he saw me.

Good morning mother. Dull, formal. An uninterested Andalite stuck in an uninteresting life in an uninteresting scoop. I hesitated, unsure how he would react, but then, pushed on with the direct approach.

Farling, I have come to a decision. I have discovered that your father is currently being kept on Earth and I have decided to go to this planet and attempt to free him. The words came in a rush, tumbling from my clumsy, agitated mind. Farling looked shocked. See, we never talk about his father. He probably hadn't even heard Alloran's name for five seasons.

Are you sure, mother? he asked. Earth is a very long way away, and this will never be officially sanctioned. Was I sure? Yes, yes I was. I should have gone to him years ago.

I have reached this decision after much thought, Farling. The Andalite army has abandoned your father. I paused, then placed the barb. As they have abandoned you. Was it unethical to provoke him like that? I needed my son to come to Earth with me, and he was old enough to know the truth. Farling jerked as if struck.

There was no need for that, mother. His voice was reproachful. I would have come with you anyway, even without you goading me. I smiled, the weak triumph flitting across my eyes.

Forgive me, Farling. I have almost given up on Andalites as a whole. I will remember in future that I can rely on you. He rose and walked over to me, arching his tail blade forwards. I touched it with mine – an Andalite warrior greeting.

Of course I will come, mother, he said. I believe we should have gone years ago. We will fight for him, even if no one else will. Triumph and misery battled in me, at the thought that this aristh was so willing to follow me to almost certain death.

Thank you, I whispered. I reached down and stroked his cheek affectionately, and he leaned in for the brief kiss.

With the knowledge that Farling was with me I felt braver, and stronger. He left me, to talk with some of his friends, other arisths who were brave enough to speak to him despite his disgrace. I didn't know what he could truly achieve, but left him to it. I'm coming, love, I'm coming. How far could thought speak travel? No one truly knew, but maybe, just maybe, far, far away my mate would hear the whisper. I closed all four eyes as the wind blew grass scents across the fields and tried to picture him, tried to remember him, not just see the holofilms I had but to really remember him. I remembered a sunny day, so many years ago, when he had caught me in the pink blossoms…

Mother? Have I offended you? I jerked out of my reverie and cursed. It would not do to be caught unawares on such a perilous mission! Turning around, I was faced with my only daughter. It always made my hearts break to see her, forever slumping, forever empty, forever without pride. When was the last time my daughter had smiled?

No of course you haven't. Why do you believe I have? She took a step forward, and there was real anger in her voice.

You asked Farling to go with you to Earth. You're taking him, mother, and yet you never asked me. Why not? Why do you not want me to go? I hesitated, struggling. Why had I not thought to ask her? Because she was a female? But then, so was I… It is very difficult for Andalites to apologise, but I forced myself to.

I apologise, Tirdellan. I should have asked you at the same time I did your brother. It was simply that I did not know if you would wish to risk your life.

I have nothing to lose, she said simply. Her eyes were dull again, the animating spark of anger gone. You are going to Earth to fight Visser Three, aren't you? You'll need whoever you can find to help you. There won't be many willing.

I am aware of that, I said quietly. She stepped forward.

You'll need a ship too. And clearance to leave the home planet. Where are we to get those, mother?

Get your brother, I ordered her. Both of you, come to the main scoop, and we'll see what can be done.

Maybe we weren't as bereft of aid as I had allowed myself to believe in my self pity. When Farling came he brought with him two other arisths, both about his size.

This is Lortif Annalan Gendar and Medrar Peritur Shorness, he said, indicating each one. They have agreed to help us.

You told others about what we were doing? Tirdellan asked angrily. How many others? You'll get us in trouble with the high command, you fool.

I only told friends I trust, snapped Farling, stung. I stepped forwards to intervene.

How many others Farling?

Just these two, he replied sulkily. And I trust them. Lortif is my shorm. Tirdellan kicked her hoof in derision, but I chose to ignore it. I smiled a welcome at the two arisths, Lortif standing proudly beside my son's side, Medrar looking more wary.

Then you are both welcome.I paused, uncertain. I didn't want to lie to these young warriors, but also didn't wish to frighten them away. In the end I settled for the truth. I assume that you are both aware that we are going to the planet Earth to liberate Farling's father. I warn you now, the path we have chosen is not the road to glory. You may face disgrace or death, lost on a hostile planet. You will be called deserters, as you will have to leave your current crews and come away with no explanation. The two of them shifted uncomfortably, and then Farling touched Lortif's shoulder with his tail blade very gently.

I will go with Farling to the end of the galaxies, Lortif said bravely, and I almost laughed at the ridiculousness of this puffed up aristh, but then did that make me ridiculous since these were my only allies?

Medrar? I prompted.

I am the second son, and my brother earns enough glory to satiate my family, Medrar said quietly. I will aid Farling for as long as he wishes me to.

Then you both have my thanks, I said. Tirdellan sniffed crossly, but didn't say anything.

Now that Lortif and Medrar were with us the meeting felt more like a war council than a family discussion, and so I felt happier giving commands and dividing up duties. Tirdellan was always a very capable morpher, so I ordered her to go out and acquire as many morphs as she could within the next few days, so that we would have a range of options for stealth approaches. Moreover, as a female, she had never been trained in combat, and I far preferred to assign her the role of spy than fighter. Lortif, Medrar and Farling I sent to acquire shredders and other weapons. And I myself set out to find us a ship.

I had rarely spoken to my brother-in-law Arbat since our last terrible disagreement so many years ago, so it was with trepidation that I set out for his lands. He lived a fair way away, so I took our small ship (only designed for journeys within the home planet's atmosphere), and our initial meeting did not happen in person but over the intercom as I requested permission to land. Arbat's face filled my communications screen, his eyes wide with shock.

Jahar? This is a most unexpected surprise.

May I have permission to land? I asked again, refusing to say too much before I was physically before him. He hesitated, then acquiesced.

Yes, certainly. The field with the Cairderl trees in the top corner. As I located the field and set the ship down I saw him come trotting out of his scoop. He took less time to reach the ship than I thought he would, so when the door slid open I jumped slightly to see him right in front of me.

Welcome back to my lands, Jahar, Arbat said by way of greeting, holding out his left hand to me. I took it and stepped down, out of the ship, tasting his grass with my hooves. It was very sweet, just as I remembered it.

Thank you for your welcome, Arbat. It has been too long since we last saw each other.

Indeed, he replied, and his eyes scanned my face a little too closely for comfort. The years have not treated you well, my dear Jahar. Subconsciously I raised my free hand to my face, and he laughed. No, no, you are as beautiful as ever, I'm sure. I speak of your sufferings and misery. I pulled back, uncomfortable, withdrawing my hand from his grip.

That is the reason I am here, Arbat. He frowned an andalite frown, his eyes darkening a little.

Not just to talk about old times then? I winced as he continued, his thought speak bitter. Perhaps that would not make such pleasant conversation.

I am sorry we parted on bad terms, Arbat. I would like it if we could consider each other friends now. I waited, uncertain, and then Arbat relaxed and executed a small mock bow.

As always, my dear Jahar, we shall do it your way. I shall be civil, on the condition you tell me why you are here. I took a few deep breaths, to try and relax and work myself up to asking such a large favour from one who clearly had not forgiven my past behaviour, but when he saw I was having difficulties he gestured for me to follow, and picked up a slow trot across the field. I felt better, running by his side, and the pleasure of running with a male again was a surprise to me. How I'd missed this: the company, the sound of another pair of hooves drumming the ground beside me, instead of my own lonely hoof beats echoing across the meadows. Arbat moderated his pace to suit my own, speeding up to keep easy time beside me.

Now, Jahar, what was it you wanted? There is really very little I can actually give you. After all, I am only an old scientist fiddling in his labs. I laughed a little at that.

A highly successful scientist whom the andalite high command keeps regular tabs on, Arbat. And one whom I hear has been offered on multiple times the position of Intelligence Advisor. He inclined his head modestly.

Perhaps. But flying off and fighting is not for me. I prefer the purity of science. Some of my latest projects have been of interest to the high command, but I'm still looking for a way to leave my name in history.

Just be careful it's not in the same way your brother has, I whispered, but I don't think he heard me. I turned to face him, and for a second a vision of what might have been flashed before me. I could have stayed with Arbat, and as my mate, he would never have left me. I'd have him around every day, instead of the years of emptiness. There would have been no glory, as there had been at the dazzling start to Alloran's promising career, but also no fall, and no shame. It would have been very peaceful. Crossly I shook the clouds of 'what if' out of my head and slowed down to an ambling walk.

Arbat, do you still have that old ship you acquired from your father? Arbat looked surprised, but drew himself up a little.

The Starwave is no 'old ship', Jahar. I have converted her so that she either equals or surpasses any other ship you can find, and can outfly most of them. I smiled a little at his indignation, but also a wave of sadness rocked me as I remembered Alloran and Arbat comparing their ships when they were still young. Alloran had named his The Jahar to infuriate Arbat, whilst I was still meant to marry him, but Arbat's ego was soothed when they raced them twice around the home planet and his Starwave won easily.

Tell me, what would it take for me to be able to borrow her? I asked cautiously. Arbat tilted his head curiously.

To fly to the moons, or on a slightly longer trip? I paused, and then replied.

To fly to Earth.

To Alloran, he finished, understanding instantly. We stood there in silence, under the Cairderl trees with the breeze lifting their branches and their whispering filling the air. I left him, and stepped forward, placing my hand on the bark of the nearest tree. It was warm to my touch, and for just a second I allowed a drop of my frustration and misery to flow from me into that reassuring wood. Arbat's touch on my shoulder interrupted me, and I spun around to face him. He scrutinised my face again, but less piercingly than before, and more as if he was searching for something that was no longer there. Oh Jahar, he whispered. Even after these years I still feel you could bring me to my knees. I tensed, wanting to break away, but managed to stay still through a supreme effort of self control. I had forgotten how intense Arbat could be, when he wasn't mocking the world or waxing lyrical about his latest experiment. In a rare moment of openness, he lifted his hand as if to stroke my cheek in a kiss, but then let it drop again and heaved a very deep sigh, which shook him so much I wondered if he really would fall to his knees. Finally he spoke: I would come with you if you asked, but I know you will not. Take the Starwave. Instantly I clasped his hand in mine.

Thank you Arbat. Thank you so much. He brought his free hand over my top one, covering it, and lifting it to his cheek, brought it against the soft fur of his face. This is goodbye, I suppose, I said, a little awkwardly. A soft, sad smile spread across Arbat's face as he released me and stepped away.

It has been goodbye for a very long time Jahar.