Author's Note: Hello All and Welcome Back To I Can Feel You :D Sorry that it has been so long, but I think that the break was well worth it. I have missed writing this story though, so it seems insomnia serves its purpose. Obviously, I am not Stephanie Meyer, so I Do Not Own the Beauty that Is Twilight or its characters. But I DO Own ICFY :D So Ana and Jade are mine all mine, though I dont mind sharing at all. Anyways, Hope that You all enjoy this chapter. As Always, Read, Enjoy, and Review :D
Chapter 31: The First Of Every Tear I'm Going To Cry
I have been pacing the floor of my room for hours. If pacing were an Olympic sport, I would be a gold medalist. It should have been beautifully romantic, Jasper showing up on my door step after telling me he loves me in the airport. I should have swooned and wept and thrown myself into his arms, only I didn't. Instead I stared at him numbly, before introducing him to my mother, who expertly showed him to the guest room, on the other side of the house. Strategic move on her part. Countless times I have walked to my door, ready to go to him and figure this all out, and every time I have stopped myself. In order to get to Jasper, I would have to pass my moms room, and she would be, undoubtedly watching the hall like a hawk watches its prey. I finally sit in front of my bedroom window, watching as the sun rises slowly over the surrounding hills. I hold my phone tightly in my hand and dial Jade's number. It rings. Once. Twice. Three times.
" Hello," Jade's sleepy voice groans through the phone.
" You know, you could have given me a heads up that Jasper was coming," I hiss into the phone.
" Ana, you of all people should know better than anyone, not to wake me up this early," she hisses back. I cant help but to smile smugly to myself.
" Yeah, well we will just call this payback," I say, twirling a strand of hair around my finger.
" I thought you would be happy," she says, sounding more alert with every word.
" I am, I think. I don't know, its just, he said he loved me, and then left. It threw me for a loop, and then he just shows up on my door step in the middle of the night, right after I told my mother about me and him sleeping together," I say, groaning at the messy situation I have found myself in.
" Wait you told your mom? Why?" she asks, her voice curious.
" Come on now Jade, you know me. I cant keep anything from her if my life depended on it," I say, throwing my hair over my shoulder.
" True, the ever moralistic Ana," she whispers and I laugh involuntarily at that.
" Sorry, listen go back to bed. Give everyone my love. I guess we will see you in a few days," I say, hanging up the phone. I stare at the oncoming sun and decide that now is as good of a time as any to find out just what Jasper Hale is thinking.
With a renewed sense of resolve I walk carefully down the stairs. I can hear the hushed voices of in the kitchen and I cringe inwardly as I walk into the kitchen, fixing a smile on my face.
" Good morning sweet heart," my mom says, a bright smile beaming at me.
" Morning," I say, reaching for a mug from the cabinet.
" Hey," Jasper says, staring at me deeply.
" Hey," I say, making my voice sound up beat and happy.
" Jasper and I have been up for a while now, we were wondering when you were going to get your sleepy bum out of bed," my mom says, closing the oven door behind her.
" Oh, well, I've been up for awhile, I was talking to Jade for awhile," I say, sipping hot coffee from my mug.
" Aww. How is Jade doing?" she asks, and I smile at her.
" Great, she is enjoying her time with Edward," I say, setting the mug on the counter. " Is there anything you need help with?"
" No, I have it under control here. I actually have everything under control this morning, so I figured you could show Jasper around town," she says and I smile, silently thanking her for giving me the opportunity to some privacy when it comes to this issue.
" Oh okay, so Jasper, can you be ready in twenty minutes?" I ask, turning to look at him. He smiles slowly nodding his head, remaining quiet.
" Good, see you in twenty then," I say, walking out of the kitchen heading back to my room to get dressed.
Twenty minutes later I pull out of my mothers driveway with Jasper sitting in the passenger seat for once. Its quiet for awhile, the only noise coming from the stereo playing lowly in the background.
" This isn't what I necessarily imagined California to be like," Jasper says at length and I look at him from the corner of my eye.
" What were you expecting?" I ask, smiling as I turn down a familiar road.
" I don't know, more glitz, more glamour, more Hollywood" he says, and I laugh loudly at this.
" Not everywhere in California is like Hollywood Jasper, and even Hollywood isn't all that its cracked up to be," I say, settling easily into my seat and into the conversation.
" So where are we going?" he asks, shifting nervously in his seat.
" The park," I say, stopping my car at a red light.
" Oh," he says and once again silence falls in the car.
I push out of the car and smile at the park that lay in front of me. Lane Park was somewhere that Jade I frequented when we were in high school. Summer nights of playing on the toys like little kids, or school days when we just didn't feel like going to classes, sometimes I wonder how she and I managed to graduate at all. I laugh at the thought and Jasper throws me a curious look.
" This place must mean something to you," he says, walking behind me as I lead the way towards a table.
" It does, Jade and I spent a lot of time here," I say, smiling as I run my fingers over one of the wooden tables. I search the hundreds of names that had been carved into the wood, beaming wildly when I find mine and Jade's. " See."
Jasper looks down and smiles when he sees our names. I push myself up on the table and sit, turned towards him. We stare at each other for a while, a soft but cold wind blowing over us, rustling our hair.
" What are you doing here Jasper?" I ask, shoving my hands into the pockets of my sweater. He stares at me blankly before taking a deep breath.
" I couldn't leave things the way that I left them yesterday," he says running a hand through his hair, " Walking out of that airport was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I was miserable. And I felt like I had to explain."
" Jasper, a phone call would have done the job," I say, smiling nervously.
" No it wouldn't have. I didn't want you to think that the only reason that I told you I love you is because of what happened the other night, because it isn't. Don't get me wrong, the other night was incredible, but I should have told you a long time ago how I felt, and I just never did, and there is no way that I can apologize enough for tha," he says in a rush, and I act on impulse. I grab him by the front of his sweater, bunching my hand in the material, and kiss him. I can feel the shock radiating off of him before he kisses back. I pull away smiling.
" What was that for?" he asks, and I smile brightly.
" That was because I love you, and I don't care how you told me, I'm just glad that you told me. I cant tell you how happy I am that you and I are going to be together now. I honestly didn't think that you were ever going to come around Jasper," I say hugging him. I feel him tense and pull away slowly to look at him. " What, did I say something wrong?" I look at him. And he stares at me his eyes blank.
" Ana, slow down. I don't think that we should be together," he says slowly. In that instant everything shatters and falls away.
" What do you mean we shouldn't be together? Why the hell not?" I ask, my voice raising as I get up to pace over the green grass of the park.
" Look, Ana. I love you, I do. I'm just not ready for another relationship, I'm not ready to take that step," he says, walking towards me. I back away instinctively. I raise my hands in front of me shaking my head like I am trying to shake away his words.
" That's bullshit Jasper and you know it. You aren't ready for a relationship, but your ready to tell me you love me?" I ask accusingly. He shoves his slim hands into his pocket and nods his head. " Okay, look, Jasper. I love you. I have loved you from the moment that I saw you. I have ridden on this rollercoaster of emotions without you, waiting for you to step up and get on the ride so to speak. I have experienced every single conceivable emotion that I can think of because of you, and still at the angriest I have been at you there has been this voice in the back of my head that has told me to keep fighting, because we could make this last. So here it is Jasper. Here I am. Just a girl, who is terrified of being alone. I hate waking up alone every single day knowing that you are just across the hall. I hate pretending that everything is okay when inside I am dying because you cant just take the leap. I have been nothing but patient waiting for you, but not anymore. You have two choices Jasper, take me as I am right now, and know that I love you more than anything in this world and that it can be enough, or walk away. But I can assure you that if you walk away, you wont get another chance. I will move on with my life, and as much as it will hurt I will forget about you somehow, I will learn to not feel excited every time I see you, and I will reign in the butterflies you bring to life in me every time you look my way. SO what are you going to do?" I ask, breathless from my tirade.
" That isn't fair Ana," Jasper says, anger raising in his voice as he stands staring at me with stormy eyes.
" Well you know what, its about time that I start being the one who isn't fair," I say, glaring at him. " So what is it going to be?"
" I'm sorry Ana," he says and I close my eyes. The tears well up and I don't fight them. There is no point in fighting the inevitable. I open my eyes and look at him.
" It's fine," I say, pushing past him walking as fast as I can towards the car.
" Ana, wait," Jasper calls after me. I stop and turn to look at him.
" I'm done waiting Jasper, I cant do it anymore," I say, turning back around, sliding into the car.
I walk into the house dropping my bag with a small thud.
" Honey, I'm home," I yell out in sing song voice. I hear the rushing of footsteps coming down the stairs, and cant fight the smile. I see Emmett's huge form rushing down the stairs first and he grabs me up in a hug that has me squealing.
" Your home, yay, my Ana-banana is home," Emmett says spinning me in a million dizzying circles. He sets me down and I smile hugely.
" Aww, I missed you Emmy," I say, pinching his cheek lovingly. I smile to myself at the blush that paints his cheeks. Jade grabs me in a tight hug next and I smile into her hair, feeling my hold on control slip only slightly.
" Where's Jasper?" Edward asks, looking curiously around for him. I feel my smile falter.
" Yeah where is my brother? I have an earful to give him from my parents. They weren't angry about him not being there for Thanksgiving, they were upset that it's taken him so long to open his eyes and realize what a catch that you are," Rosalie says, smiling her beautiful smile. I feel my smile shake just slightly, I have yet to confide in anyone what happened between me and Jasper that day in the park. I suffered in silence through Thanksgiving dinner, my mother talking excitedly thinking that her little girl finally got her man. I didn't have the heart to tell her that once again, I wasn't enough.
" He should be coming soon," I say, grabbing my bag from the floor. " Well guys, I will come catch up with you all soon, I'm just going to run upstairs and put this stuff away." I walk slowly up the stairs and open my bedroom door, just to see half of Jade's things missing. What the hell is going on? I toss my bag on the bed and turn when I hear someone behind me. Jade stands against the door smiling at me.
" Where is your stuff?" I ask sitting on the edge of my bed.
" Oh, well. I don't want you to freak out or anything, but I am going to be moving into Edward's room," Jade says, her smile so big and happy that I don't have the heart to rain on her parade.
" Aww, Jade, that's awesome," I say, hugging her tightly. I hold onto the hug for longer than I intended too. Perfect timing, just when everything in my world was moving towards perfection, Jasper shatters that, and now my best friend was moving into her boyfriends room leaving me undeniably alone.
" Ana, what's the matter?" Jade asks, pulling away from my tight hug. I blink at the tears furiously.
" Nothing, I'm just happy that your happy, you deserve it," I say, squeezing her arm reassuringly.
" Well thank you, but your lying," she says, sitting me down on my bed. She sits across from me her eyes searching mine. " Did something happen in California?" I just nod my head sadly not wanting to meet her knowing glance. " Talk to me."
" I took Jasper to the park to talk to him. I asked him why he was there. He said he came because he couldn't leave things the way they were. He needed to tell me how he felt. He told me he loved me, and I saw it, in that one moment. What I have wanted for months was right there, at my fingertips. I said that I was happy that we were going to be together. that's when he informed me that we couldn't be together. He isn't ready for a relationship. He was ready to tell me he loves me, but not ready to do something about it. I laid it all out for him Jade, told him how I felt, and I gave him the choice, either swallow his pride and take the leap or walk away from any chance that he might have. He walked away," I say, choking out the last bit of the sentence, sorrow taking my whole being. I cover my face with my hands and cry out my shattered heart. " I told him that I could forget what I feel for him Jade. I told him I would move on and let it go, but I was lying. How am I ever going to forget?"
" I don't know, what I do know is that I'm going to move my stuff back in here," she whispers into my hair.
" What? No you cant," I say, pulling away to look at her through watery eyes.
" I am not going to leave my best friend alone with a broken heart, I'm sorry girl, but that just isn't going to happen," she says sternly.
" Listen to me Jade, I love you for that, I do. But you deserve to have this with Edward, and I will be okay. I know its going to hurt for a while, but what is love without a little bit of pain. Besides its time I start being a big girl, and dealing with the shit life throws at me on my own," I say, wiping my face furiously.
" Fine, but if ever you need me, I'm just downstairs, you can always climb in bed with me and Edward," she says laughing. I shake with my own laughter.
" Yeah, because I am sure that wouldn't be awkward at all," I say, hugging her tightly.
" It's going to be okay Ana," she whispers and I just nod my head into her shoulder. It is going to be okay, it has to be, right?
JASPER'S POV
The plane ride from California to Washington was a short, but painful one. I don't know what my problem is, but I have to take the medal for the stupidest man in this world. I sat the whole time, watching Ana. She sat the whole time poised and reserved, just as she did through out Thanksgiving dinner. Why, oh why didn't I just give her what she wanted, and what I wanted so desperately myself. I tried talking to her a few times, but her putting her I-pod on securely told me she was in no mood to talk to me anytime soon. She rushed out ahead of when the plane landed and I couldn't even catch up to her when she got her luggage. The real slap in the face was when she got into a taxi instead of getting into my car. Not that I don't deserve it. Just what the hell was I thinking? I sit looking at the house and dread walking in. By now, Ana has probably already spilled everything to Jade. I groan and shudder inwardly. Hell hath no fury like Jade scorned. I open the car door and push out, walking slowly towards the front door. I take a deep breath reaching for the door knob, turning it slowly I peer inside and see no one in sight. I thank whatever luck I have on my side as I slide in, and quietly close the door behind me. I creep up the stairs and pause in front of Jade and Ana's room. I listen as Ana's sad, and tear filled voice rings through the door.
" I told him that I could forget what I feel for him Jade. I told him I would move on and let it go, but I was lying. How am I ever going to forget?" Ana says, and my heart shudders inside my chest. I open my door and close it behind me, sliding against the door. I put my head in my hands and try and breathe. Its an impossibility. Breathing when the woman that I love more than anything is crying her eyes out of my stupidity isn't possible. I slam my head back against the bedroom door and close my eyes, the first of what I know is going to be many tears fall down my cheeks as I realize that I just ruined the one chance at true happiness that I had.